Poll : How Were You Introduced To My Work?
You had the misfortune to be entangled with our kind, but then you had the fortune to access my work and either achieve freedom or set yourself on the path to the same. It is a source of considerable pride to me as I read the hundreds of e-mails I receive thanking me for the outcomes achieved from my work – be it the articles, YouTube videos and/or through consultations. Nobody will deliver you such accuracy, insight and most of all such deliverance from the pain and constraint of entanglement with our kind than me. The many, many plaudits and messages of thanks bear testament to the impact my work has had on hundreds of thousands of people. Yet there is so much more to do. So much more for me to convey to you, so much more I can and will provide to assist you and so many other people to reach.
You, as a loyal reader have an integral role to play in the dissemination of my work. I know many of you refer others to my work, share it on social media platforms, recommend it to professionals, contact media outlets and more – all of this is appreciated and required.
In order to help me better understand where my readership has come from and thus target my endeavours with greater precision to reach others, I seek your help in understanding how you came across my work. Where did you first find me? Did someone point you in my direction or did you go down the rabbit hole about narcissism or relationships and whilst on that journey have the fortune to find my work? I look forward to learning more.
Thank you for participating.
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It appeared on FB news feed. (smirk). I was not wrong about some of those posts I made !! I recall which article & what date I commented on that platform too ! One hell of a journey it has been since. Thank you for your work HG x
To begin with, I wanted to know about this strange behavior I had encounter. Therefore, I started googling and came up with nothing, probably because I did not know the name .😃 I decided to login on Facebook and post. The first thing I saw on my news feed was your page,(didn’t realize what I was reading nor knew your page was exactly what I was searching for , weird huh 😂 I started reading into it, bam! Hit liked and started following you. You had described my ex , word to word and the behavior. Because if this,I was shocked and relieved at the same time reading your page. Also, you had given a name which I was unfamiliar with. Now,I had a name (because of you)to go with this weird insane behavior. Although, I never commented;I read your page faithfully and learned from you. That was 6 years ago. Later, I started following your blog, videos, and purchased your books.Your teachings are very unique,.To add, who can tell/ help me understand a narc but a narcissist himself…. Your work will not go unnoticed. For this reason, I will always share because you shared with me .As a result, I was helped enormously by you.. hopefully others can become aware of this behavior as well. H.G. thank you so much, you are life saver.
Wishing you all the best!
Guess this is old now. Still, a while ago now your name popped up in an article I came across in a google (I think) search on the subject of narcissists. I think at some point I might have also noticed mention of you on Quora before that (but forgot about it for some time till I came across this).
Getting out of abusive relationship, a book review came across my Facebook as I looked for resources
Desperation
Cute gravatar, Nika!
Awe, this is sweet of you. ♥️ Thank you, dearly, Windstorm. I like your gravatar, too. ♥️
When my husband’s narcissism became evident I was quickly referred to Quora for more information. I briefly peaked (by means of a google search) at Quora the other day and noticed some unflattering commentary of you/your work. One women had some “nice credentials” displayed and suggested you were robbing people! I did reply of course. I’m not sure how continuing to offer free information on this blog is robbery—or returning numerous email inquiries?? And books are the cost of a Wendy’s salad and drink? Unbelievable. I would put some emphasis there rebutting some of the lack of luster expressed by some commenting that have ill formed opinions as it could drive well meaning people away from the work. Just a suggestion. Sick some lieutenants on it!
The more my readers support and compliment my work, the more ill-informed jealous individuals such as this person are shown for what they are. She is unlikely to have read the work but formed a prejudicial opinion based on what I am. Thankfully, these types are very few in number and of course often are Mid Range Narcissists themselves.
Hello Bubbles, 🙂
I hope you are doing well.
It makes me laugh when you write The Weasel 😀
If he does not want to tell you, he is either not seeing anyone or he does have a psychiatrist but he has not been diagnosed with a PTSD.
I think that only narcissists or highly narcissistic people would brag about such a serious condition. I look out for red flags. If somebody is not genuine and need to fake certain emotions, if they do not want to be held accountable for their actions and use The Twin Lines of Defence when confronted with something they did, if they often victimize themselves to get attention, among other things, then there is more than PTSD.
”Sadly, “real” military PTSD sufferers these days (the young ones) are more likely to commit suicide”
It is sad that they do not get any help once they were ‘used and discarded’. I have read that more veterans die from suicide than killed in a war.
EB
It is very sad. I think some of them might enter into it with the expectation that it is like some of the video games they’ve grown up with and are proficient at, only to find a very different reality. They should be provided the very best we have to offer in the health care field (mental and physical) with no financial effect to them upon their return.
NA,
Exactly. Years ago I saw a documentary about the military recruiting soldiers for Iraq and Afghanistan. They used to target young people from low-income families or vulnerable communities. False promises, advantages are exaggerated and dangers are minimized. If PTSD is mentioned, young people are still not interested in it. When they get PTSD or another mental illness, they are considered ‘damage goods’. They did not know that a mental illness can be devastating and ruin their life.
Dear K, Indy n E.B.,
Extremely interesting and valid points you all raise
K… your para
“I know several midrangers who went to therapy and am sure they spoke how they were cruelly victimized and everyone’s else is the abuser”
I believe that was the weasel’s defence
I mentioned to the weasel he was suffering NPD not PTSD …. his whole demeanour was that of a narc ….. of course, all I got back, was a blank narc stare
He brags to everyone about his PTSD, sees his psych every 3 months (so he says) …. he would never tell me his name or where he went
He made a big song n dance about being near “an exit” whenever he went out … I believe that was to race out and answer his phone on silent for fuel
His brother was in the same war conflict …. no signs of PTSD
I know a young military lad (misogynist) who started pleading PTSD for disrespecting his women superiors …he was booted out …. dishonourably…..(he’s studying psychology specialising in ……. guess what ….. PTSD) 😱
He’s a non conformist and blows his own whistle …. narc ? Hell yes!
Arrogant, manipulative, disrespectful …. you name it ( throw in a touch of Aspergers) just to spice it up
Unfortunately, mental disorders are on the rise and only going to get worse
Sadly, “real” military PTSD sufferers these days (the young ones) are more likely to commit suicide 😥
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear K,
You’re detailed summary of the weasel was amazing …. could you please summarise my mum and the rest of my life🤣 …. I can’t see for looking sometimes, even when I do wear my glasses 🤓
Thank you K …. I really appreciated your comment
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Bubbles
Ha ha ha…I would love to summerize your mum and the rest of your life.
Your comment was a veritable smorgasbord of narcissism and I couldn’t resist dissecting it.
You are welcome and I really appreciated your comment, too!
Love K xoxo
Your question is easy for me to answer but I have thoughts.. So, you came up in a narcissistic support group on Facebook. Your name popped up a few times. Finally I googled you and knew immediately I was on the right track. HG—this was after my husband moved out. I just stumbled into a divorce support group on Facebook and the word narcissism came up and that is how I ended up ultimately in the narc support group. I’d still be a befuddled freaking disaster trying to figure this out otherwise. (I’m still figuring it out but I’m on the right road.)
The madness? I have years of experience in mental health/have managed social workers/nurses/worked with the very best educated etc… I have the credentials to educate and be relevant on the topic. BUT not a freaking clue until you came along. And the same is true for so many of the colleagues I’ve had and do have.
I finally broke down and went to see a professional for the purpose of just processing this “crap” today. Finally think I have found precisely the right person for the task, but I mention this because you came up as my “epiphany” and she has heard of you. Clients have mentioned you. (This is a former domestic violence specialist so her experience is saturated with those of us who would run across your work.)
Anyway, she wants to read some of your books but was surprised you write under a pseudonym. I didn’t get into it but you get the picture. My quandary as a professional (and this will be hers) is that from a mainstream perspective I struggle with the professional element of referring your material within my professional capacity due to the expectation of suggesting mainstream material. You could be providing the exact material but if you were a licensed psychologist or (especially) psychiatrist you would be much more readily accepted into the mainstream. I guarantee if I discussed you with 3/4 of my psych doc/Psy.D., etc. acquaintances they would just be polite and think I’d found some “feel good” material and would be happy for me but think I was probably kinda weird.
You have no psych experience yet you are light years ahead of the field. It’s crazy, and you readily admit no formal didactics on the subject! It’s hilarious actually. Fucking hilarious.
What I will say is most popular among those in the support groups online seem to be YouTube. They devour YouTube so keep that strong. I personally prefer reading but that’s just me.
Elsa Ronningstam, Ph. D., author of: Identifying and Understanding The Narcissistic Personality and Associate Professor of Psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at McLean Hospital wrote in her book under Corrective Life Events, page 185.
“Interpersonal relationships-those that involved a commitment to a long-term, intimate connection with another person-also reduced pathological narcissism.”
She is incorrect. Pathological narcissism is a fixed condition that cannot be altered or reduced. Narcissists are incapable of intimacy, Whole Object Relations* and Object Constancy, which is why they engage in objectification and split thinking.
E. Ronningstam further states: “Within the context of such a relationship, the narcissistic sense of specialness and superior isolation was replaced by the experience of mutual specialness and engagement, with diminished feelings of contempt and devaluation and less entitled and exploitative behavior.”
Actually, the narcissist is engaged with his Intimate Partner Primary Source and is either in the seduction golden period or a respite phase. There is no reciprocity or mutual specialness, it is all about the fuel (the emotional response generated by the narcissist).
Elsa’s coda: “The capacity to maintain a close, mutual relationship turned out to be crucial for sustained change . It involved a test of the person’s tolerance of affects, and closeness may activate unbearable feelings such as pain, rage, resentment, envy, and/or shame, which can make continuing commitment impossible.”
Wrong again Elsa. The narcissist’s ability to target, seduce and keep his IPPS in situ as part of his fuel matrix allows him to thrive in his false reality. Wounding and low fuel activates unbearable feelings of pain, resentment, rage and shame and continuing commitment only becomes impossible when an appliance fails to provide the Prime Aims: Fuel, character traits and residual benefits at which point the narcissist disengages.
*Whole Object: Another person who is recognized as having rights, feelings, needs, hopes, strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities just like one’s own.
Elsa Ronningstam has been studying and treating people with narcissism for over 25 years and she is clueless.
K, she should just let it go if she hasn’t figured it out in all this time! (I quite enjoyed your analysis.)
Thank you MB
I agree. Her lack of understanding is astounding and her book is peppered with inaccuracies and that was just a brief example.
Perhaps, she should retire.
There may be a vacant ice castle she can retire to!
Seriously though, HG IS in a league of his own. I’m pulling for him everyday to get that big break and bust the NPD community wide open. (Although I’ll be sad for us to lose him.)
You won’t lose me.
“You won’t lose me.” That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside HG.
As long as you haven’t wet yourself MB, we’re all good!
That’s only when I laugh, HG! Er did you mean…
Every time she laughs, she wees! Roll up! Roll up!
Only when I get really tickled. The tears run down my legs haha! Two big ol babies will do that to a girl. The struggle is real. Be glad you’re a guy!
MB
There are 7.7 billion people on earth and there is only ONE expert on NPD and that individual is HG. It is no surprise that he wants to be fired into space and watch the world recede as he draws his last breath remaining above all that is below.
Ha ha ha…we won’t lose HG; the narcissistic relationship is forever.
Fucking A to both paragraphs!
Ha ha ha…damn straight HG!
K, what a compliment! I do agree though. Did he really say that about being fired into space?
MB
Ha ha ha…Oh, yes he did!
HG Tudor
AUGUST 10, 2017 AT 16:34
Hello Paula, no I am not. It will come to everyone. When I die it will be when my legacy is secured. I have felt death’s scythe swish by several times and if it happens, it happens. No point fearing it and no point worrying when it does as it will be over.
If he does not come for me until I much, much older, I will be fired into space in a space suit and watch the world recede as I breath my last, knowing I remain above all that is below me.
https://narcsite.com/2017/08/07/violator-3/
K, Only an epic exit would be appropriate for such a fascinating man. Thank you for sharing the link. I hadn’t seen that.
You are welcome MB
HG is epic so it would be a fitting exit.
K, this Dirty John is HGTU textbook! I have so much anxiety listening to it. I want to scream at them to wake up! Cases like this are real proof HG speaks truth. It’s in his textbooks for God’s sake!
MB
Yeah, the whole drama is mind-blowing. The series just goes to show how dangerous narcissists are and how ignorant society is, as a whole, about the dynamic. Just wait till the last podcast with Terra, Let me know when you listen to her interview and tell me what you think.
I will K! I just want to scream! I’m at the part where she went back to him. Even the journalist struggles to understand the insanity. It is crystal clear to me why she went back, thanks to HG taking off my blinders. I want everybody to be privy to this information!
MB
Ok good, you see it too. I am leaning towards Mid range narcissist, not CoD.
When you are done, email Christopher Goffard.
I will do so K.
Thank you MB!
Agreed on Dirty John on Bravo. The first episode had me feeling very uncomfortable, especially knowing it’s a true story and seeing how right away he started isolating Debra from her daughters.
Within 8 weeks they are married?!?!?! Talk about whirlwind love bombing phase.
Ticking all of HG’s boxes.
Clarece, Dirty John is a shining example indeed. I am unable to watch the made for TV version on Bravo but have listened to the entire podcast. Chilling!
MB
No dice. We’re his for life lol.
Good!
K, i found “Dirty John” as a podcast. Is that what you and Clarece were talking about? The podcast? Or was there a TV show? Sorry, I wasn’t paying close enough attention.
MB
I listened to the podcast and Clarece watched the first episode on Bravo.
Thank you K
Yup, 2nd episode of “Dirty John” is on my DVR. You just reminded me to pull it up and watch tonight or tomorrow night. It was already uncomfortably tense in the first episode. It is on Bravo and you can get it on Demand.
Thank you Clarece.
Wow K! Elsa Ronningstam basically has the “Love Conquers All” theory to cure narcissism.
Emotional Thinking hijacking the Love Devotee Trait.
HG
Noted. And thanks for answering Indy (I made a note of that too). Based on my experience, I think my narcissists fake PTS, however, my view may be incorrect.
Clarece
That was the 2015 edition and she has absolutely no understanding whatsoever regarding the narcissistic dynamic. Zero, zilch, nada, nothing. She is no expert.
I’ll stick with Elsa from “Frozen” who knows how to “Let it Go”. lol
Hi HG, K, Bubbles, Clarece, and those in the discussion on PTSD,
I have a question for you about trauma and and narcissism that was sparked by this discussion.
So, in the discussion, it was brought up about those with NPD that use diagnoses to get fuel. I have a few questions about this phenomenon that I know does happen…it just fascinates me.
1.) I know, fuel is the rule. However, wouldn’t pretending to have a disorder (i.e. PTSD) or disease to get sympathy be in contradiction with the need to be seen as superior? I know, “victim” narcissists are likely to do this, it just seems more like a “Factitious disorder”, formerly known as Munchausen syndrome, which often goes along with a PD, ironically.
2.) So, one of the theories on the development of NPD and other Cluster B diagnoses is that of early childhood trauma mixed with genetics can lead to a complex-PTSD type of presentation that can also leads to attachment based disorders that ultimately in adulthood presents as a PD.
Wouldn’t it be ironic, then, if someone with NPD “fake” PTSD for fuel when they ultimately and unbeknownst to themselves actually have a form of developmental PTSD?
Hi Indy,
1. No. As you identify, the Victim Cadre would do this readily. Furthermore, in an answer on another thread I have explained how Mid Range Narcissists (in particular) will use a condition as part of blame-shifting and the lack of accountability.
2. If one subscribes to the view that narcissism is a form of PTSD then yes, there is indeed an irony in the narcissist claiming to have PTSD in order to avoid accountability and/or draw fuel.
Indy,
Great questions!
Hi Indy!
I see where HG answered your questions about the using PTSD as a condition for gaining fuel but you thinking that is going against their stance of being superior. Also, the question if narcissism is truly created by experiencing PTSD, isn’t that then irony if the narcissist is using that condition as a fuel source.
I can just add that as HG says, lessers and mid-range Narcs act instinctively without awareness. Just as they really think they experience love with their partners (not just loving their fuel), they probably also think they are truly experiencing all these other conditions such as alcoholism, addiction, PTSD, etc. That is why they are so convincing sitting in the therapist’s chair.
With regard to PTSD actually creating the narcissism, I believe that is something Sam Vaknin is using in his Cold Therapy treatment. He has a recent video with Richard Grannon where he says that narcissism should not be treated as a personality disorder anymore but rather as PTSD in a child. At that level.
Just throwing that in.
Thanks for asking the other day how I’ve been. A series of some good weeks that were followed by a small, blip of stress that is now resolved. Just preparing for a calm, nice, holiday season with my daughter and family. It was a good sign not hearing from JN for the first Thanksgiving in 3 years. I expect Christmas and New Year’s will follow. His new girlfriend will obviously be getting that glorious, magical first Christmas with him and his family, so I should stay off the radar.
Always enjoy our talks and your input here!
Clarece
I question your putting alcoholism in here. Narcs really can have alcoholism. But then I’m sure some really have PTSD. Perhaps you meant that many pretend to have alcoholism.
Hi WS! Let me clarify my comment. Absolutely Narcs can really be alcoholics. My best friend was in a 5 year relationship with a raging alcoholic who died last year at the age of 47. She got away from him about 2 years prior. While I was learning about JN here, I was also having a-ha moments about him and sharing those with her. He was definitely a Lesser. Like HG’s article about coming to work with a barrage of nasty voicemails, he did that. Then when she’d ignore that, he’d change back to whining and begging her to take him back. That was the Narc in him coming out. Doesn’t change the alcoholic in him would start drinking about an hour after he got up each day. He could acknowledge he had a drinking problem and was an alcoholic. Ask him if he was narcissist, hell no. He had a degree in psychology and would proceed to lecture you how wrong you were. The sense of superiority kicks in for their defense mechanism. There’s tangible evidence for an alcoholic with empty bottles and their inebriated state.
The Narcs can have these vices, afflictions and legit disorders, and as HG has said, they are unaware of their narc traits that enable these things even worse
Hi Indy,
Re “1.) I know, fuel is the rule. However, wouldn’t pretending to have a disorder (i.e. PTSD) or disease to get sympathy be in contradiction with the need to be seen as superior?”
It depends on the cadre they belong to. I understood that their sense of superiority has to do with feeling more important than others. It is also about their feelings of entitlement. Their needs come first.
I have not met any LN or MRN who feels superior than everybody else *at ALL levels*. That is, health + looks + career + intelligence + money + social status and so on.
There are somatic LNs and MRNs who are aware that they are less successful (e.g. intellectually) than others. Cerebral MRNs know if they are not good looking or if they are not financially successful as other people in their social circles.
Somatic narcissists who give a lot of importance to their bodies will not want to admit they have some illness or condition (a weakness). A 30-year-old somatic MRN told me proudly: “The only time I was in hospital was when I was born”. When a somatic MR relative of mine got cancer, she did not tell anyone about her illness. We learnt about it when she died. I believe she did not want anybody to see her looking pale or ill (weak).
Victim LN and MRNs are different. They use (real or fake) mental and physical illnesses and conditions to get fuel and also different residual benefits (!). They feel superior to others in a sense that they expect other people to be at their beck and call. They come first. Family members and friends should stop anything they are doing and assist them or take care of them in one way or another.
As for Greaters, there are no GN of the Victim kind.
EB
That’s probably why I didn’t recognize midrangers as narcs for most of my life, and just thought they were hateful jerks. I thought all narcissists thought they were better than everyone else. If they werent as smart or financially successful, they just considered those things less important than whatever area in which they excelled.
Indy,
re No. 2., although symptoms of (C)-PTSD and narcissism overlap, NPD is more than just PTSD.
Since some behaviours may be similar *on the surface*, there are other factors to consider such as the motives behind their behaviour, their (lack of) empathy and remorse, their feelings of superiority and entitlement, their ability or capacity to change. It reminds me of the difference between a cold and the flu. 🙂
I actually can’t temember. Sorry about that HG.
General Studies in narcissism would probably have been how.
I first researched my behavior – crying when he cancels, feel like dying, etc. and read comments on forums giving relationship advice. I started following that advice. The result- fury from him. What? I was following the advice to a t. Brad Browning said to begin with ‘I want… ‘ because men like to fulfill wishes; it allows them to be dominant. When i said ‘I want to see you’ he got angry. ‘Don’t try to control me’ he said. Back to square one. Hot and cold behavior. Always kind and polite, being a cowardly MMRN, but hot and cold (silence) behavior. There was also lying, creating jealousy (he told me straight out i wanted to make you jealous), cancelling etc. I googled ‘nice then mean’ and first found bipolar. Nah, he’s not bipolar. Next, npd. Hmmm, npd means they lack emotions? I know it means grandiose, etc. but it means they lack emotions? Why is this not listed as the number 1 symptom? He had told me he does not have emotions once, after deval had started. I started doing more research and only found sad victim stories. I wanted to read frm a narc himself. So i googled narc author or something like that. I found a book on amazon called ‘no contact’ by hg tudor. I went to youtube and entered narc interview and found one out of the box interview. They gave a link to the blog. So begins my healing frm that moment onwards! I entered the blog. The artcle was ‘parasite’. What is this? Who is the parasite? What? Did the author copy and paste the same paragraph twice by mistake? I reread. Omg the author did this on purpose. This is interesting. I must read more articles. Omg, these articles are spot on! Then i see a box ‘leave a comment’. Should I? I have never particpated in online communities before. If I have to make an account and password, then just forget it. I wrote my question, hit send, and it went through! Easy!
About a week later, I received a detailed reply. I was so happy! A famous author is actually talking to me? I don’t believe this! And he actually has the answers to my questions?! Omg! Article after article, everything spot on! I read comments to see if anyone’s situation matches mine so that i can get more answers. Most situations were quite the same. All these narcs are the same. Yuck! Ever since, I have been here, received tons of help, had audio consults, and enjoy the joking around too! Extremely therapeutic! 4 yrs of hell and now i am free! God bless you HG Tudor!
Hi Jenna, 🙂
Nice to see you here commenting! How have you been lately?
Hi EB,
Thanks for reaching out to me! I am well thank you. After disengagement, I was doing very poorly, but I continued to consult with HG, and now I am very well! I am finally free! When you are in a fog, you just can’t see beyond it. Well, no more fog! I am at peace, and I owe it all to HG, his books, the blog, the lovely pple here, and some soul searching! How are you EB?
Hi Jenna,
Great to hear from you again! 🙂 Thank you for your reply. I had not seen you for a while and wondered how you were doing. It is good to hear that you are finally free and out of the fog. I hope you were able to find some kind of closure and that you have enough energy for yourself now that you do not have to worry about your ex.
Some days are good and others are not so good, thank you for asking. Every now and then I find some new information but it feels like finding a needle in a haystack. I will not give up, though.
Just wanted to let you know in case you have not received an email notification: HG has published a new book called Narc Tales 🙂
Hi EB,
I am sorry you have some good days and some not so good days, but your attitude and drive to not give up is admirable! As long as we are here, we can get through this in one piece! Yes I have gotten the closure I needed, thank you. I have not purchased ‘narc tales’ but read some of the articles on the blog that hg posted. Hillarious! I thoroughly enjoyed them!
I was reading a blog about narcissism and another one of the readers mentioned you
I stumbled across HG’s work in the course of researching narcissism generally.
When I first “discovered” narcissism, it was from reading articles on psychology that described the traits of narcissists and sociopaths. These articles were great at listing the general indicators and general consequences of narcissistic abuse, but I found myself repeatedly searching for real practical solutions that would help me understand how to respond to, or deal with, these kinds of people effectively.
The descriptive psychology articles didn’t do that. They stopped at diagnosing the symptoms but didn’t go further to offer a “cure” or solution. Or, they provided copious amounts of confusing and ambiguous scientific results from research studies conducted to try and pinpoint how and why the condition occurs.
After reading psychological studies, I researched narcissism on social media to try and get a more practical, solutions-based handle on the topic. I also wanted to know how widespread the knowledge was in a public, “everyday” socially understood kind of way. I recognised that many people I knew or worked with were definitely narcissistic and it surprised me that I had never come across the knowledge that narcissism was the cause of their toxic, selfish and emotionally abusive behaviours.
Twitter was one of the social media platforms I looked at. I found quite a few twitter accounts that aimed to expose narcissistic behaviours and to warn people of the red flags and signs of abuse and the effects of the abuse and how to protect yourself against it.
HG Tudor’s twitter account was amongst them. When I started to read HG’s articles, it all started to fall into place. HG was the only one who made it easy to understand and offered real and easy solutions that worked. His advice is clear, direct and the practical solutions are defined in a concrete way that’s easy to adopt and use. The practical advice and knowledge builds on itself so that you can slowly but surely start to see positive results.
And the relief!!! Oh my, it was a blessing! Finally. Finally, I could see what was happening in minute detail (and why) and how I was adding to my own distress myself. HG Tudor’s help is the best! Finally I learned how to stop doing the things that kept me in the emotional sea and I progressively learned everyday solutions on how to resist the madness. And the solutions actually worked. Thank you HG!
You are welcome.
I initially went to ‘A secure base’ by John Bowlby on attachment theories – a book I had left over from Uni. I knew his childhood was not good, I felt like he just couldn’t connect at times, and was affectionless.
During the silent treatments I read and explored and immersed myself in google searches, reading pysch forums, anything!
If I remember correctly, I wasn’t searching for anything related to Narcissism. My search terms where more relationship based so asking ‘why has he disappeared when it’s going so well’, or ‘signs he’s cheating because he doesn’t seem interested anymore’ etc
I found your youtube videos and I spent months falling asleep listening to them, exploring the site. I visited here a lot and read before I contributed. before I knew it, I realized who he was and cried and cried and cried.
13 months later, still here, still reading using this place as my AA. I fear leaving this site i’ll relapse so for now here I am.
Re-sending this because the first time I got a ‘unable to post comment message’ – sorry if it comes through twice!
——————-
I wasn’t researching narcissism, at first. I didn’t connect my ex’s behaviours to any definition of narcissist I knew of…I was just trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him.
I was googling things like “paranoia”…”my spouse thinks I’m sabotaging his life” (and other random things.) I certainly came across search results on narcissism but *none* of the typical descriptions fit him.
I listened to random youtube videos (not HG’s; I had not found him yet) – because I didn’t always have time to actually do intense reading – hoping something would strike me but the information in them was not particular helpful.
When I finally stumbled upon the flaming heart with the word ‘Evil’ – I was like: wth…? The burning heart thing came off as a little…um…I’m lacking the right word…not tacky…but closer to ‘contrived’ – and it actually deterred me from reading for a bit… (Sorry HG, just being honest. You did ask for honesty and input…and I think the majority would agree that your sexy new design is much more stylish and classy.) But curiosity brought me back to the heart (and lack of a satisfactory ‘diagnosis’ elsewhere) and I started reading in earnest…everything started falling into place.
I still didn’t feel like I had the full picture of exactly what he was and still had doubts about whether or not my ex was a narcissist. But it was the best match for explaining and making sense of soooo many of his behaviours. Elements of ‘victim narcissist’ suited him to a ‘T’ but I could not find a full description in any one article that completed the picture…in fact, I think I remember bombarding HG with questions about victim narcs and Greaters and complaining that there appeared to be a dirth of information on ‘victim narcs’ in particular – thank-you for your patience with those particular inquiries HG!
I also recall – once I realized that my ex *had* to be a narc (even if school & cadre were undetermined) I started reading incessantly (because I couldn’t afford a consult at the time) but I was determined to nail down *exactly* what sort he was…
In learning what a narcissist truly is – I couldn’t help feeling really stupid – and kind of miffed because I have studied psychology and…I kept thinking; did I skip a lecture I shouldn’t have?…did I take a bathroom break at the most inopportune time?? Because I sure as hell don’t recall this being covered in ‘abnormal psych’ and I even took “The Psychology of Evil” hahaha – and I don’t recall the subject of ‘narcissism’ coming up…(was a fascinating course btw). There is a serious knowledge gap on narcissism – just waiting to be filled – in the formal academic world, HG – but I’m sure you’re aware of that. And I think the way you’re going about educating people is a much better angle because anything truly useful that I learned (other than how to analytically sift through a wealth of information and organize it in a particular fashion) was never learned in formal circles…even art..I also formally studied art at one of the most recognized institutions around in these parts but learned *so* much more from actual practicing artists *after* I dropped out of art school…
Now I’ve learned so much from an actual ‘practicing narcissist’ – what better teacher on Narcissism is there?
I had previously read articles about narcissism but they were boring and full of medical jargon, so I started googling things like: I want to speak/talk to an actual narcissist, interview with a real narcissist, and get to know a narcissist etc. Got tons of crap of course and tried SV (almost gave up after that cadavers talk) but then I stumbled on Knowing The Narcissist and saw the flames. Entered with a cynical mind and low expectation but was blown away by the accuracy and confirmation in relation to my experiences Stayed up all night reading and have been here ever since. No need to go anywhere else. My motto is:
Start with the best and fuck the rest.
I’ll say it then…Fucking A Narc Angel!
NA, Can i ask, was there someone specific that set you on the path to learn more or was it general exposure to narcissist throughout your life?
Hi Mercy
It was StepNarc originally, but I noticed over time that there were many that were abusive but more refined in their tactics and disguised them better. It was rampant in my workplace also. I also started seeing more articles with young people talking about ghosting and breadcrumbing etc. They acted like this was a new thing and original to their generation which enraged me because I knew it was an age old problem just magnified by social media. I wanted to know more about this section of society and their different factions. Not from the medical community but from their own mouths. I thought my search was futile but I found HG and he has delivered in spades. Now I want everyone to know.
NA, Thanks for your response. Ghosting was the word that led me to narcissism. It was during my first silent treatment and I was desperate for answers. Silent treatment lead to ghosting lead to narcissist. Unfortunately everything was so generic. After reading several articals I felt like I could have written them myself. I remember reading and literally thinking blah, blah, blah next.
Interesting that you searched wanting to hear from a narcs prospective. I never would have thought of that as I was so desperate for a way to recover so my results lead me to victims telling their experiences. I’m lucky that one if HGs readers posted his link in the comment section on FB.
Hi NA!
“I also started seeing more articles with young people talking about ghosting and breadcrumbing etc. They acted like this was a new thing and original to their generation.”
All of these modern dating terms have been done for centuries, but can now be so heightened and done simultaneously to many people thanks to all of these people hiding behind their phones or laptops and avoiding real human interaction.
It is highly agitating for me how common the terminology is because it is behavior so rampant now.
Hi clarece and HG,
I have not read through this thread completely, so if I am being reduntant, I apologize. HG, a reader said she found the blog by googling ‘why won’t he answer my text messages’ and found your article by that name. For her, it was a direct hit! I think if you name some of your articles in more general terms, people might find the blog more easily. For example, ‘why does he blow hot and cold?’ instead of ‘why does the narc blow hot and cold?’ Of course, at the beginning of the article, you would indicate that it is referring to narcs. Your ingenious mind will link the two together in your article. And as clarece just pointed out ‘ghosting’- ‘why does he ghost’ or ‘he ghosted on me’ or something like that. I know that these titles are very colloquial sounding, but I think pple would find the blog more easily.
In ‘promiscuous boy’ there was a discussion about jim carrey. I did not know of this story. When i read about it, my heart sank for the poor girl. Someone mentioned that if had she found the blog, she may have been alive today, and I agree. Hg’s writing is saving lives. I read the last text exchange she had with jim was 4 days before her suicide. I read some of those horrible texts. She wanted to know how he was doing at least and he said it’s too stressful for him. I suspect he blocked her following that. ‘Why does he block me?’ ‘Why is he not talking to me?’ or something like this might be a fitting title for an article. That is what someone in her situation may look up. Or ‘he gave me STD’s’
Just some ideas because she unneccessarily lost her precious life after someone who does not even care, except for the loss of some hoover fuel from a broken appliance.
Hi Jenna,
That was me who Googled ‘why won’t he answer my messages’ and I was indeed very lucky. I had been searching forever.
For two years I had known that something was wrong with MRN (initially because of watching a program about a serial killer called The Fall) and had found Vaknin and one semi-useful blog.
Thinking back, I believe I had seen HG’s name but I think the ‘Tudor’ put me off (Henry VIII – Henry the Greater?) as did the flames. I must have thought it over the top and not serious. HG, how and why did you choose that name?
Hi SMH,
Thank you for identifying yourself. I could not remember who it was that found hg in the manner I described. His article by the words you searched should get many hits. Other readers stated they googled ‘crazy making’, ‘serial cheater’, and more key words like this. I do hope he names more of his articles generally, in order to help more pple.
Thanks, Jenna. I think the first thing I ever Googled was hot/cold. No one had ever done that to me before and I had no idea what it meant. I think that led me to emotionally unavailable, and so on and so forth.
I’m guessing most people will not know they are dealing with narcissism and so HG’s site won’t be among the first to come up. If you Google hot/cold behavior, HG’s site is not even on the first page of results even though he has an article with those words.
HG, maybe you need a tech person to help with search results.
That appears to be the case.
SMH,
Glad you landed here!
Thanks, Jenna! I am too!
Agreed Jenna! HG’s name needs to get attached with the ridiculous love lingo out there like “ghosting”, “breadcrumbing”, “love kernals”, ” benching” (in lieu of HG’s ‘shelving’), “submarining”…
Sucks but it’s for the greater good to market his material and get him more mainstream.
Clarece,
‘Benching’
‘Submarining’
Lol! I did not know of these! 😂
All you need to know about submarining – lol
https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/submarining-is-latest-dating-woe-to-baffle-romantics
I also discovered a new one I had not known:
GATSBYING
“When you post something — say, a snapshot of your travels abroad, or a particularly sexy selfie — just so your crush will see it, according to model Matilda Dods, who coined the term. In other words, when you throw a party on the ‘gram.”
There are new terms daily it seems!
Triangulation.
Have you been triangulating by “Gatsbying” on your recent travels HG to target any exes with thought fuel that they’d wish they were with you? Lol
I do not Gatsby – ridiculous term.
Indeed it is ridiculous and yet the millennials will buy into this crazy terminology and then it’s like it becomes sanctioned to behave that way more.
Clarece
Yes. Like I’ve said previously – they act like it’s something new and only happening to this generation. Like they’re participating in a cool new trend instead of an age old abuse.
Hi NA! I think every one of Pat Benetar’s songs (circa 1980) incorporates all of this millennial dating lingo. At least I can rock out to her songs and relate. lol
Clarece,
Thanks for the link! As per article, submarining “is when a person you’ve been seeing disappears without reason, and then reappears without reason, as if they’d been simply lurking below the surface of your romantic interest…
…if you’re the victim of submarining, your former flame actually gives you the power upon their return” (https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/submarining-is-latest-dating-woe-to-baffle-romantics)
These definitions are so misleading. Thank god we know better! Hg, it gives pple hope. There is no hope! Narcs are disordered and will leave again (see ‘But I Can Change’ by HG Tudor readers!). Hg, pls do something! Your articles need to pop up when pple search this nonsesnse! And I am sure you noticed the dreaded ” … is when… ” at the beginning of the definition, not to mention yet another noun becomes a verb, which I know is not something you fancy😂
I agree Jenna! Great idea. (Although HG probably has the article 3/4 finished by now!) An article with the term that is being used. Gatsbying, ghosting, etc Followed by the explanation of what it really is and what is behind it. I bet we will see that one soon.
Jenna,
I agree these dating terms are actually cringeworthy to read. I am always astounded at what seems these terms are getting traction because it is so prevelant and the masses can relate because it is either being done to them or they are the doer (of submarining, ghosting, doling out bread crumbs, etc).
There is such a lack of people being able to sustain intimacy for this to be so rampant.
Oh, another new dating term…”Rebating”.
This scenario is you go on a date, pay, for it but it doesn’t go as well as expected (possibly both parties agreeing to this?), so you contact the person you treated to the date and ask for them to pay back their share of the date.
I mean…no words…
Who do you think is more likely to engage in this ‘rebating’?
It should be spelled Re-baiting to be accurate to the activity.
I thought the same NA
If I go by what just pops first in my head… a real A**HOLE. lol That’s who.
I think it’s pretty obvious what type of person would want a date “rebate.” What I wonder is are they smart enough to know to keep targeting someone who actually gives them the money back.
Indeed, albeit securing repayment would actually be incidental.
Clarece, you have GOT to be effing kidding me? “Rebating” Chivalry IS dead!
What’s wrong with going half and half?
I’m old school HG. The man pays during early dating. Then we can start taking turns. This half and half stuff is for the birds!
And you ladies demand equality eh?
Us Maple Leaf Folk rubbing off on you HG, eh?
Not I, Sir. I may be in the minority and not very popular, but I am of the fairer sex and enjoy being treated like a lady. But if you order the lobster when it’s my turn to pay, I expect you to put out! Ha ha
Well at least you are honest about it.
I live in the south. Most men still have manners here. Paying for dinner when you take a lady out is a sign of good manners.
You do know he isn’t really paying for dinner don’t you?
I suppose my lack of (read non-existent) dating experience is showing! Of course he’s paying for dinner. That’s good manners. And, if he’s nice, he might get a good night kiss.
You big floozy!
I might be a dirty empath, but a girl has got to have standards! Paying for dinner doesn’t automatically entitle a man to pudding.
It does where we are concerned. I require pudding and dessert.
Right, and I bet you get it too. There IS that pesky issue of entitlement that you’ve been teaching.
Of course, every gateaux is eaten before it’s ever thought of
You made me look that up!
MB
Oh? You prefer the other currency to pay for dinner?
NarcAngel
Ha ha ha…that was good.
He will get his money’s worth, NA. I take care of those that take care of me. 😉
MB,
I’m of the opinion that half and half is just fine…no sense of ‘entitlement’ either way then 😉
WhoCares
Glad you happened along……
I agree about each paying half, but what I REALLY wanted to tell you was that you inspired me to try lentil stew.
Well…it was lentil soup, …and I added chopped rib-eye steak, …and extra tomatoes, and topped it with sour cream and chopped green onion, …
WHATEVER! It had lentils in it.
NA!
Glad to inspire new culinary endeavors…yummy, right? Although – yours sounds like the deluxe version of lentil soup 🙂
Just one question before HG cuts the food talk short – red, green or black?
WhoCares
Who knows – couldn’t see them for the steak and add-ons.
Red.
Ooh, festive…
I LOVE lentils. I am now making a lentil soup. .
Lou – nice!
All this talk and I may just have to make some too…you guys have given me a craving and it’s only got colder in these parts since I last made lentil soup…think it’s gonna be looong winter…
Very hot where I am, though hell usually is. So good to be home.
HG, “Very hot where I am“ Luckyyyy!
Can we have a “Where in the world is HG” game? And hell has already been guessed.
I’m picturing a beach, very little clothes and deep tan and a drink on the rocks. That’s not my guess. I’m just picturing it.
That’s my kind of vacation too Mercy! I was going to guess Portugal since HG was there getting wine out of the cellar, but it’s not hot there this time of the year. I’m thinking somewhere in the Caribbean?
Oh yeah…*rubs hands together* …I can feel that heat from here…just came back in from outdoors and my frozen fingertips say thanks!
Seriously though – I’m done with narc hell – this month marks nearly a year of GOSO from any narcs in my personal life… and sure as hell won’t be ‘sharing the warmth’ with others, nope.
HG, your virtual Narcsite flames will be the closest I’ll get to cozying up to any narc this winter…and in the foreseeable future.
Congratulations WhoCares! 🎉
Thank-you MB 🙂
HG, could you please tell Satan I am ready to sell my soul if he helps me find what I am looking for? And say hello to my mother if you see her having cocktails with him.
He’s an appointment with me in an hour. He’s having trouble with the dictators in camp 3 and needs some guidance, so I’ll mention you to him.
Thanks HG., that is very generous of you. However, it may not be a good idea to offer him my little soul now when he is dealing with Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot, Hussein, and I guess many others. I have the feeling I would get a very bad deal for my little soul at this moment and I really suck at bargaining. No, I think I will wait.
Thanks anyway.
PS: I would love to visit Camp 3 one day though; see what it is like.
WC, taking turns is fine once dating is established. Absolutely! I have my own money and I do my part financially. Its not entitlement, it’s good old fashioned gentlemanly manners. Like opening the door. Literally splitting the check in halves just seems chintzy to me.
MB – oh, I get the “good, old fashioned gentlemanly manners” and have an appreciation of such…to be fully honest; I think the person who asked for the date (first date) should cover dinner…then again it’s kind of a moot point for me….haven’t dated in forever and can’t see doing it the distant – if ever again – future. And if I do, it’ll be so far in the future protocol will likely have changed!
WC – ha ha I haven’t dated in a long time either. Back then, he paid. It was an insult to his masculinity otherwise.
Nothing is wrong with going Dutch on a date. It’s usually decided ahead of date or at time check is brought out.
I’ve always pulled my wallet out on a first date to offer my portion or at least chip in towards tip. I don’t feel like feeling I owe somebody over a meal. Two men were surprised and really nice saying they appreciated the gesture but they were happy to pay. Clearly trying to “rebate” the next day would be ignored.
I’m floored when I hear women go on dating apps just to line up first dates to get free dinners since men still usually pay in the beginning. One of my best friend’s daughters who was a model for a period of time would do that. My brain doesn’t even operate that way.
It’s like media is turning traditional dating into a complete and utter mockery and joke.
I’m sorry that you will eventually have to get back out there Clarece. I still think there are some gentleman out there. You will find one to treat you like the lady that you are.
His work is cut out for him MB. He’s going to have to yank and pull me out. I’m not just venturing out there. lol
Oh come on Clarece! Just a little peek out the door? Have the trap door installed on your porch just in case though.
I think I’m still too hyper-sensitive and can easily fall back into overthinking and getting paranoid from my experience with JN. No need to subject someone to that. I’d prefer that someone who’s known me over time and if their situation changes, then great, there is a friendship as a foundation. But out of the gate, dating online having never met the person before…nope. Not doing it. lol
I can’t say that I blame you Clarece. Re online dating. Kinda sounds like you might have your eye on somebody 😉. At least you have HG in your arsenal this time.
MB, Instead of a Disney Damsel stuck in a high tower, I’m stuck in a Midwestern College town surrounded by corn and soybean fields with a major University that has a bunch of frat boys looking for the “cougar” experience or the major insurance employer headquartered in our town has a bunch of middle aged married men looking for side excitement from their dull marriages and cubicle life. Needless to say the selection pool is basically dried up.
Clarece, that does sound pretty dismal. I didn’t realize the “cougar” experience was a thing. I thought MILFS were just for 90’s movies! I’m learning so much on narcsite today. I really should get out more. I do remember you saying you would be relocating to Florida at some point. Surely the prospects are better there. Just steer clear of the retirement communities!
Clarece,
Omg ‘rebating’ – no words is right! I wonder how that conversation would go😂
Hi Jenna,
I’m sure the “rebating” conversation would happen over text along the lines of, “I think we both realize last night did not meet expectations. Can you wire me back your share from dinner on my Snapchat account?”
Can it get any more basic? lolll
My reply would be a pic of my ass. Accounts settled. Delete.
NA, That my Love would be a priceless view and a lucky recipient!!
Clarece,
Lol!
I think the hot – cold behaviour was something, I had researched, too …
Rebating?…thats a new one for me mind you im not on the dating scene lol good luck with trying to get your money back 🤣 i think youd get a click and dead silence on the other line.
As far as half and half i think thats fair in the beginning stages of dating but as things develop i feel the man should pay but then im very old fashioned in that way. Maybe its wrong but i just feel that way. I guess it depends on a lot of different things.
I do think half and half is the best for the first few dates while youre estanlishing where the relationship is going.
Should the other person always pay? No i dont think so its nice to treat the other person as well.
Rebating, haha no flipping way. My rule is I buy first drinks before dinner and I always offer the tip if it’s not awkward. If he ask me out I assume he’s paying. If I ask I always say “my treat”. If he refuses to let me pay I say “at least let me get the tip.” You rebate me you get laughed at if your lucky. If your not lucky, throat punch 👊
Is Throat Punch that new grappa I’ve been hearing about?!
Haha no but a little grappa could lead to some grappling…if he’s lucky
Punny, HG.
Let’s look on the bright side y’all. At least if they ask for a rebate on the date, it’s better than “ghosting”. Then you know for sure he’s a douche bag. You don’t have to wonder. Next…
Mercy
Careful. I see where “my treat” could muddy things.
In regards to rebatjng this reminded me if a funny memory my grandma told me of her and her sister when they were in their early 20s. They went on a double date and werent feeling the vibe so when they were almost done with the meal excused thrmselves and crawled out a window in the restaurant bathroom and vanished 🤣
Hi Chihuahuamum! The original ghosting done before electronics! lol
I think you could take turns w/ dating. I cook him dinner, if he likes it/me, he’ll put out.
Teasing, of course. I’m pretty sure now I’d have to be comfortable with the person invading my space.
So far, sex/dating has been a no go. I had a house guest too long with nothing doing.
Then a friends 28 y.o. stepson inquired about me, I said YES! but told him he’d have to tell him my age first. (He was from my hometown, we could at least talk about that.)
Never heard from him.I guess I messed that up, too much with the honesty.
I think I best be happy with B.O.B.
Batteries are cheap. No lobster for him.
But I gotta get my own drinks.
Perse
Perse new batteries are like a new boyfriend. Bring the excitement back to the bedroom!
FIPerse
Eventually you’re getting your own drinks anyway so youre better off with energized BOB.
Dearest NarcAngel,
Thank you beautiful …. I had to share that one with Mr T… seeing as he’s holding one …. phone that is …. 🤣🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
from Kristen Milstead’s site fairytaleshadows.com
I moved 450 kms to move in with my narc (someone I had known for 21 years but had never previously dated) on June 16th of this year, and was cruelly discarded on Oct 15th.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to ‘fix it’ then decided to start researching narcissists because this word had been thrown around alot about him. I don’t know why I didn’t google it sooner but the Universe has their own master plan for us all.
By the 20th of Oct, I had learnt that a typical narcissist relationship lasts about 4 months (count them….June to Oct), and that the moment he had ‘locked me in’ (moved 450 kms and was now solely dependent upon him) the devaluation stage had begun. I clearly remember the exact moment of complete and utter shock when I went to ‘kiss him good bye for work’ in the morning and him literally, violently striking my arms outwards when I put my hands on his face to give him a ‘kiss like you mean it’ passionate kiss! You couldn’t have hurt me more if you had thrown me on the floor and started violently kicking me with steel toed boots!
My summer was nothing but a roller coaster ride (happy to say the roller coaster has now been parked and preventative maintenance is heavily being done on it) and I believe the reason I survived it is because I’m a Military Vet and I have a great support group in the form of a couple other Mitary Vet friends. One was ‘with me’ every step of the way in the relationship (we have named him my bullshit filter like a coffee filter); every time the narc would do something under the devaluation that made no sense to me, I would talk it out and run it thru my bullshit filter. The narc once told me that I was never the same after I spoke to my filter; how right he was! He would do something to toss me out of the roller coaster car, and my friend would lean out, grab me by the back of the pants and haul me back in! The narc was never able to get me too emotionally upset in order to feed from because my support group shored me up and prevented me from falling! Our downfall during the summer, was that we thought we were dealing with a normal person who had simply been hurt too much over the course of his life so needed patience and kid gloves (54 years old and ALL his ex’s has cheated on him, he’s never cheated on anybody)! Boy, were we wrong!
I was able to force my narc to move out on November 15th so my healing could begin in earnest. Though, I wasn’t shocked when he chose to ‘leave something here’ for pickup later (knowledge is key, thank you HG).
I have more than 100 tabs currently open on my phone, I’ve probably read more than 200 articles and then some. I read…day, night, afternoon, morning, in the middle of the night when I wake up and can no longer sleep, all the time and anytime I may feel as if I am slipping or wavering.
His belongings were ‘delivered’ to his front doorstep yesterday (that’s an ‘in your face’ by me because I heard him tell his new gf that I won’t know where he lives, I’ll never know, I’ll never be allowed to go there blah blah blah).
Today NO CONTACT begins in earnest because I had to get rid of his stuff first. Him, all his minions and flying monkeys are all blocked on social media, all phone numbers are blocked so he can’t call my cell using a friend’s phone and I’ve changed my home number!
There is an app called “BREAKUP FREEDOM” that I downloaded and am making use of. My no contact started from the day I moved his ass out the door; as of today, the count is 12 days where I have not initiated contact with him, of those, he has bothered me 6 days.
Thank you HG for the invaluable knowledge and information here.
I am now friends with the ‘crazy ex’ I replaced as well as the ‘crazy ex wife’. The one I replaced is good, she has effectively moved on. The ex wife is constantly being hoovered and love bombed, I think she falls under dirty little secret. She’s a wonderful person and I value the friendship we have acquired as a result of crossing paths with the narc. I share articles with her from your site when they really hit home. I would love to see her free of him too.
My reply wasn’t supposed to be this long but when you’ve read as much as I have in the past month, there comes a point where a person would like to say something.
As horrible as the experience is/was, it’s nice to know that we are neither crazy nor alone; just a brightly shining empath that attracted a narc.
Thank you again
Googled ‘How to respond to the silent treatment’ and found HG’s answer on Quora (February 2018).
Life changing moment.
I was led to your site by God. I had begun a 3 week fast and at the beginning of it I asked God to show me something about my marriage which I had struggled in for 20+ years.
Boy o boy did I find out. I couldnt believe all I was reading. It was as if you had lived in ny home and written about what you saw during all those years. My eyes were opened and I realized all my efforts to please my wife and satisfy her were like filling a bucket with water that had a 1000 holes drilled into it.
That was about 6 months ago. Today, I am 3 months into seperation and have been ‘vomiting ‘ all the venom and toxins I took in. With that, I am struggling with a new wave of emotions and am easily overwhelmed by them. I want to move forward with my life but I feel as if this wave keeps knocking me down and i am grabbing sand ti keep from being pulled out to sea.
What resources or articles can you recommend for the post-escape healing process?
Thank you
Trey, I am glad God provided you what you needed to see by bringing you here after your fast! You are not alone in the emotional fight; the readers on this site have been there and, for me, their postings and comments to each other help.
Some reading recommendations: read older comments as well as the current (I can’t read all but try to read the ones for the articles that hit home at that moment); the books “Escape” and “Manipulated” were great resources; and the articles about the emotional sea are great resources. As I don’t know all that you endured, I will say that based on my experience, the articles that reminded me of what I went through helped as it spurred a “oh heck no” instead of what I was feeling before reading – maybe rereading those will help you during the hardest of those times.
Although it is not exactly reading, consulting with HG may be what you need. I know I don’t have to tell you how important praying will be during these times.
Please don’t get discouraged and be patient with yourself. You will get there. It will take time; it will take a roller coaster ride of ups and downs but know God got you to this site and He won’t let you go now.
Thank you for the encouragement and suggestions!
Hello Trey
Here are the links for the articles that Getting There recommended.
https://narcsite.com/2018/11/21/the-emotional-sea-the-post-disengagement-escape-battle-part-one-2/
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/09/crossing-the-emotional-sea-post-disengagementescape-battle-part-two/
https://narcsite.com/2018/11/24/the-emotional-battle-part-three-5/
Thank you so much, K!
You are welcome, Getting There!
Great recommendations BTW.
Thank you!
My pleasure Trey Woody
Enjoy the reading.
Thank you, K, I appreciate that!
Welcome Trey
Pull up seat, there’s a lot to read.
I was doing an academic research about narcissism. The reason for my research was to understand the behavior of the person that I was involved with. I started researching in 2014. Unfortunately, HG Tudor was not available at that time. I have finished my whole research in 2016. The knowledge of Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon and Ross Rosenberg helped me a lot during that time. After that, I was wondering, is Sam Vaknin the only narcissist in the world who is speaking about his condition. So, I started researching things like, ( am a narcissist, books written by a narcissist), I laughed at the second choice because I knew that a narcissist will never” say hey am a narcissist and I wrote this book.” Then, I found a book called Fury, and I said “Oh My God”, there was a person called HG Tudor and he described how a narcissist feel.
I said “what the hell !, is this real!” The knowledge were delivered differently than Sam Vaknin and the words were easier to understand.
After that, I found HG Tudor’s website, And I have read. Hello am HG Tudor and am a narcissist, I said, No, No. But let me continue. . .
After that I went away from HG Tudor’s knowledge and all the knowledge of narcissism because I wanted to fix my relationship with the “unfixable narcissist”. And I regret the time of going back. I wish if I spent that time learning from HG Tudor, instead.
From all the knowledge that I came across about narcissism. All of them were helpful to some extent. But the knowledge of HG Tudor’s was the one that made me break the magical spell that was caused by a narcissist. The reason is, HG Tudor will answer your questions and will be available when you need help. For example, other authors will deliver the knowledge and leave. On the other hand, HG Tudor will stay until you achieve freedom, because he fully understand how much we find “No Contact” difficult and he is there to stop us from going back.
And this is not a courtesy, it is the truth!
May God bless HG Tudor.
Thank you.
I had stopped researching I wasn’t finding the answers to my questions, then one day HG found me. His book was left anonymously, the moment I touched I knew I had the answers. I read the book that evening as the sunset, then watched the moonrise thinking about what I had read. I messaged HG the next day and was surprised when he messaged back saying he would answer my questions. He has been the only one to answer two questions no one has ever been able to.
I actually found you here on WordPress. I have had a terrible problem with a Sociopathic Narcissist that I would have seen coming had I found you sooner. I recently got another one of your books From the Mouth of The Narcissist which is amazing. It was a very powerful read.
Thank you.
I was watching a Kim Wilson video and she mentioned you, HG Tudor and I then did a YouTube search.
Someone posted your website name in the comments of a blog about narcissist. I wrote it down and googled it. Here I am now for two years or longer. I can’t remember the date I started reading your blog. I must say I have wised up thanks to your personal endeavor.
I was introduced to your work in the course of my job. I was contracted to teach Professional Dev inside the prison walls. One of my students asked me if I heard of you and he had one of your books. I decided to look you up and order the book so I could talk to them about it. After that I started reading more of your articles because they were very insightful and helped me understand the prison population better.
I ended up learning a lot, which also helped me teaching my on-campus classes and dealing with narcissist individuals Thank for the valuable information
You are welcome TRA.
🤣🤣🤣 A vision of course! 🤣🤣🤣
I became involved with my MMRN in September of 2015 around the same time you started this blog. I found you by April of 2016. I began looking at different blogs on narcissism and googling narcissistic traits. I’ve been following you since. You’ve helped me in so many ways.
I pick up on things I would’ve either ignored or excused before. Sometimes it makes me sad to see so many red flags so often in random people. It makes me wonder where the line between normal and disorder is because it seems to be the majority and not the minority.
And sometimes I miss the chaos; the chase. I haven’t dated in a few months. I don’t trust myself yet.
And I still wonder sometimes if I was often just as bad as he was after reading everything you’ve written because I often find myself and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
You’ve literally been a god send. Thank you. ❤️
You are welcome.
I wish I could say that you came to me in a vision, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Google all the way. Usually I say fk you google, but in this case I say thanks.
You are welcome.
Hi 1JADED1
Nice to hear from you. Still rockin that red dress?
Hi NarcAngel. Good to see you. Not so much rockin the red dress. I do still wear the green sweater.