6 Silent Soul Destroyers
The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.
1. My silence is always meaningful
You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence. We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silent that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.
2. Absence makes the silence longer
The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silent treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.
3. The silent gesture
Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how you mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hoovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday, creating a gap which ought to have been filled stands out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.
4. The silent presence
By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.
5. Suffer in silence
You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.
6. I speak, you stay silent
Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem it necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.
101 thoughts on “6 Silent Soul Destroyers”
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Silent treatment is what got me googling trying to understand what was going on, was it my fault, whether I could prevent it…. This led me onto narcissism, a revelation to me. I’d had silent treatments, absent and present for up to 4 days in his country. Alone, without phone or internet for a few years. Apparently caused by me being m drunk and problematic (I honestly now believe I was asleep and he was bullshitting all along). I was constantly apologising. Apparently I am trouble. Even our miscarriage was worse for him than for me. In the end my 26 year old son told him to fuck off, resulting I imagine in an injury more major than anything he’s ever experienced. I’m now blocked on all social media and he is back in his land, we never will meet again.
Im kind of glad but I feel bad. I don’t understand why or what the hell happened. Now I am drinking too much. Any advice would be appreciated .
Hi Abrokenwing
I am missing some comments so just happened upon your response to me now. My question was one of curiosity not judgement, so thank you for explaining it so well. It’s true you would not know what to expect going in and although you see it has run it’s course with her, you are not yet where you are putting yourself ahead of others. I can see that. Thank you for responding.
Dearest abrokenwing,
Your last sentence made me laugh …. “more issues than vogue” thats so “in” ….. haha
I dont do groupies either….. lol
Imagine me saying …. Hi, I’m Bubbles ….. I’d crack up laughing 😂
I believe the best advice and therapy is right here …. at your fingertips
You know the ol saying …”if you have any issues, go straight to the top”
You are a good, beautiful, worthwhile and very loving person … that’s why you’re here my precious ….. think about it….no more self doubting young lady
Hugs to you my sweet
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you lovely X
HG, do narcissists use silent treatment during the Golden Period with IPPS or Candidate IPSS?
I don’t mean a silent treatment when they drop you to engage with other prospects but a silent treatment when they don’t contact you, but sit and watch what will you do with this silence. They watch you and if you do nothing they start some passive hoovers like posting on their social media something you posted on your social media the day before. So they use this passive mirroring to see if you notice that and if you react – contact them.
If you do not contact them they try it a few times – they will post a song they know you like for example. You on the other hand sit and wonder why the hell this guy uses this strange game of passive hoovers instead of taking a phone and giving you a call. He used to call you so it is not a big deal but strangely he prefer to play this silly game now.
At some point you begin to understand the rules – he won’t contact you first. He will play hide and seek but won’t call if you do nothing. So you break and contact him or if you still have some pride you mirror him – for example post his favourite song so he can notice your reaction and that’s when he can contact you and end this game.
This is something I noticed myself. Very strange thing. It was done in the beginning of realtionship, I think it was a golden period but also for me it was a huge red flag so our relationship lasted maybe 3 months – this person loved these kind of games and I didn’t like it, no matter how kind and loving he was after this, I just felt he is brainwashing me and training like an animal so very soon I started confronting him about this and I think my “assertiveness” prompted the devaluation.
Any thoughts about this HG? Do narcissists use these games to test how much in control they are and what will you do to keep them? Is it possible they do it in Golden Period?
Yes. There might for instance be a failure to call you back for an hour if we missed your call (when usually we would call back straight away). This is not done to punish, but is done to test (and it is an instinctive response) the extent of control over you. If you contact us after ten minutes, ringing again when we have not called you back, we know that control is good. If an hour passes and you have not called, so we then call, we know more control is needed. It is not done to derail the seduction but is done to ascertain the control and gain fuel. This is more likely to occur with the Candidate IPSS.
This happens a lot with my narc. If he feels im too content or im absorbed in some aspect of my life he will not get back to me for longer than usual in hopes i either inquire as to why or try harder to give him attention. Also im sure to make me insecure. It all boils down to the need to control. The need to see if he matters enough to still cause a reaction in me. I try not to react but it still bothers me why? Because im insecure but at least i admit it to myself and try to break down my thought processes so i think more rationally and not become obsessive or upset.
abrokenwing
That was awful to read. I am so sorry that you went through that unfortunate experience with your therapist. I would rather be gaslighted then go to her, gaslighting makes more sense than that load of malarkey.
I am a beautiful person in and out…25x…WTF!?! …that is ridiculous and pointless. And she got paid for that shit!
more issues than Vogue ‘…that was funny! thanks for the laugh.
Dont worry hg you wouldn’t have caught me sleeping….while I was reading this the part got me when you said you begin to shiver…reminded me of Vincent price on the “thriller” when the clouds came in I new this victim was screwed…never again
Coincidentally (or not), this piece on the silent treatment reminds me of the visual media that has accompanied “Enjoy the Silence” on recent DM concerts. I attended one last year and didn’t think much about the video then, only the claustrophobia it transmits, but now I interpret it in a totally different manner. This image sums up my feelings of what it was being given the silent treatment as well as other psychological forms of abuse without understanding. Now that I know better after finding your blog, HG, I actually enjoy the silence post-escape and NC. And I hope all of these beautiful, caring people who read your blog can enjoy that silence too and get free from the abuse.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/nbhap.com/blog/depeche-mode-enjoy-the-silence-berlin/amp
I saw a quote, not sure whom to give credit – “Never f*ck with someone who is not afraid to be alone. You will lose every single time.” Empaths find strength in being alone. Sadly, narcs do not have this luxury. Stay strong. And thank you HG for giving us this insight into your world.
Thanks for this
Funny thing. My narc ex liked to say, “I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship,” and that was his nice way of letting me know that I was an optional addition to his life, depending on my compliance.
I violated #5 all summer. lol Boy, was he upset, especially when he eventually put spyware on my phone and was getting copies of all my conversations! If you can’t deal with what is being said about you, maybe you shouldn’t be eavesdropping on the conversation; “some things, once heard, cannot be unheard!”
They really are soul destroyers. I remember when I was constantly getting present silent treatments and silent gestures from my sister and stepdaughters while I was trying to ingratiate myself to them. It really depleted my self esteem. Probably more than my Lesser matrinarc’s vitriolic eruptions. I was so used to being ignored, I was starting to doubt other people when they show that they like me, especially when I didn’t do anything for them to earn it. Eventually I realized I was just wasting time and money on the wrong people.
Mommypino
that behaviour is so cruel. It speaks volumes about them, and actually says nothing at all about you.
Glad you realised you were wasting your time and emotional energy, let alone money. I imagine you were prepared to put everything into a supportive, respectful, and close relationship with your step daughters and your sister.
What a heartache.
Ns always have to do it the hard and painful way.
You didn’t deserve that treatment.
Thank you Caroline. The stepdaughters were really cruel and spiteful. I used to buy them signature dresses and jewelry (with my money, not their dad’s), and they would get excited trying it on and then a day after they wouldn’t talk to me again, if they did, it would be a hurtful remark. The one that really got me was when my first child was born, he was one month old when they visited and the oldest stepdaughter was so grossed out with my baby and didn’t want to hold him even though her dad kept asking her to hold her baby brother. She then said, “He doesn’t look like us. He has a Filipino nose.” Then she commented about me mixed feeding because I wasn’t blessed with enough milk or my technique sucked so I had to supplement with formula when the baby was still hungry after I breastfeed. She said that all of her mom friends breastfeed. And then she was also judgmental about my c-section. I was planning on a normal delivery but I wasn’t dilating and the baby’s heart slowed down so the doctor decided to do the c-section. But she thinks I’m lame because I didn’t push. That’s just a one day of encounter with her and her sister though. They are like that for years, and we have been married for 8 years now. And together for almost 11 years. So many ruined holidays with them and birthdays. The older sister told their dad that the bipolar one was planning on ruining or wedding ceremony in the Phils. as well by making a scene so their dad decided not to take them. They thought it was going to be funny. Those girls are just total brats and probably narcs as well.
Mommypino
Your eldest step daughter doesn’t know what she’s talking about regarding your son’s birth.
The day you were in labour with your little boy, your body was doing it’s best to give birth to him. It was your first time, so you were feeling your way, as any new mother does.
I know that once your little boy was going into foetal distress, as measured by his slowing heart rate, steps would have been taken to get him out IMMEDIATELY. Seconds count with newborns.
It sounds like you were in good hands in the hospital.
BTW, I remembered that they made a slow-tv film about the Ghan. I hope you can find it online (SBS or ABC i-view). I watched the shorter version and enjoyed it. Your son might enjoy it too, being the train-mad normal boy he is.
Wow thank you! I will look that up. We watch all kinds of YouTube train videos and the ones from Amazon Prime. I have never known so much about trains until my boy became obsessed with it. I’m forced to read books about trains. It is pretty cool though because he’s indirectly learning geography and history through his obsession with trains. 😊
Mommypino, my oldest was a train OBSESSIVE too! I was so glad when he was old enough to put his wrecked toy trains back on the track for himself. I would put them back, then there would be a matchbox car at the crossing for dramatic effect and here we go again and again. Those were the days… Enjoy it while it lasts.
MB
My 4 year old grandson loves trains, too. Other kids sleep with stuffed animals – he sleeps with his trains!
Careful he doesn’t go off the rails
Ha, ha, HG! There are rails on his bed!
Hopefully the train won’t take him to Narcville! Is he the one with narcissistic tendencies WS?
MB
No. That is his older brother. He’s a little empath.
MB
I am impressed, too! I watched Thomas with my son and youngest daughter. I loved it.
The Monkees – Last Train To Narcsville 1966
WS, boys and their trains are so sweet. My son still has his Lionel locomotive from when he was little.
MB
I don’t see the appeal. I was terrified of locomotives when I was a child. They were so large, powerful and seemingly alive while at the same time they gave off no emotions. I didn’t understand them, but i knew instinctively that they could kill me. I still feel that terror whenever I have to get close to any really large machine that could kill me. Seeing a model train reminds me of this terror I feel around real trains.
I think it must be that they don’t give off emotions, yet they seem alive – they move, are dangerous and make sounds. I’ve been around elephants. They’re big and scary and could kill me, but they give off emotions so I wasnt afraid – only filled with sadness because these elephants were obviously bored and unhappy and forced to work in a circus.
WS, now that is a different perspective. I haven’t considered that before about trains.
Elephants have a special place in my heart too. I saw one painting in a clip on the Internet one time and I’ve wanted a painting by an elephant ever since. Is that a real thing you can get or a hoax? I’m asking you because you’re a worldly woman.
I can paint for you with my ‘trunk’ if you like?
Ha ha HG! I’m pleased you’re still full of spit and vinegar today. That’s an interesting visual. I knew you were ambidextrous, but…what do you call that?
Cockiness
“Cockiness”
Ha, ha, ha! First real laugh of the morning! Thanks you, HG!
Hahaha!
I’ll be watching for the personalized painting option in the menu bar.
Well, there’s a Narcsite merchandise opportunity if I ever heard one; ‘personlized’ paintings by HG – can’t pass that job off to the minions, eh?
That’s one for the master of the house
But, of course.
Another HG talent. “Trunk” painting.
Do you take requests? Or do you choose based on what you think the person should have?
Clarece
I want to know what size canvas he can cover.
Think billboard
HG
Hahaha billboard. You never fail to bring it with your humor and make me laugh Mr Tudor. An excellent trait indeed.
Ha ha ha….
Do canvases come in a Magnum size? 😉
Nebuchadnezzar
Oh, you jumped all over that one quick. Like white on rice. Hahaha
Clarece & NA, I wondered where you ladies were on the trunk painting thread!
I came a little late to the party, but I’m here now!
MB
I’ve seen a documentary about an elephant who painted pictures and watched her paint. They’re very abstract.
So maybe there’s only one that can do it. (Besides HG of course.)
Windstorm
Interesting. I remember standing very close to passing trains and inching forward to the curb when a transport truck would pass. The noise and rumbling power was very scary but exhilarating at the same time. My mother would pull me back saying they could cause a vacumn that could suck me under them to my death. I didn’t really believe her but I did hear her in my head say that when I would do it (alone and often). Looking at that now it seems to foreshadow my need for adrenaline and demonstrates my defiance.
Totally with you on the elephants though. I touched one and remember I was surprised that it felt so coarse. So big and so powerful, and yet I looked at its eye and I felt overwhelming sadness. I feel a heaviness in my chest right now just thinking about it.
NarcAngel
Scary is not exhilarating to me. It makes me want to run back to my bunny hole and hide! 😄
I did often do things that my mother would say would kill me or be devastating in some way. Like you, I didn’t believe her. I’d figured out early that only about one out of every four things she said was true. Seemed more efficient to just ignore it all and come to my own conclusions.
Makes me wonder…do you think maybe one reason we didn’t end up being codependent “good girls” is that we could see that what our mothers told us was stupid or at least suspect? Consequently we went our own ways instead of trying to please and do what we were told. Escape was always my priority- not trying to fix things. Just a thought.
Windstorm
Probably a lot to that. Hard to believe her and be scared of a truck or train when the real and ongoing danger is right in your own home. I used to think: Is she blind or retarded? My eye was always on escape also. I knew there was no fixing them, but I did turn into saviour mode for myself and the other kids. I hate it but that remained ingrained.
NarcAngel
I didn’t have anyone else to save. If I’d had a sister or brother, I’d have sure wanted them to try to save me! Probably wouldn’t have happened though. I always felt instinctively that if there had been another child, they would have been the golden child and my life would have been much worse. Especially if I’d had a brother. Then being the scapegoat would have been my only purpose in the family.
Har har har HG.
MB and Windstorm, it is so fun. Kid’s have so much sense of wonder and I love watching him enjoy his trains.
MB, he loves wrecking his trains too! His godfather got him an electric train set and he loves wrecking it with his police car, but unfortunately he’s only four so he needs help putting the trains back on the track. I think the scale is HO so sometimes I want to shoot the godfather for gifting such a small electric train to my four year old.
I feel your pain Mommypino! HO is difficult to get on the track for adults. A four year old…forget it. Boys love to wreck and destroy things. My son used to take his toys apart. It made my husband so angry! It never bothered me. He was playing with his toys and that’s what they were meant for. Just because he played with them differently than they were intended did not concern me. He’s now a very well paid jet engine mechanic. I’m no narcissist, but I do take a little credit for not squashing the exploration of his natural ability.
My narc father let us all play with him with his model trains once a year, around christmas or so, he then would set it all up, with lots of miniature houses, tiny people, etc.
So, I was allowed to press a button while he was watching and maybe even touch a few figurines, when he was with us.
He then passed his collection of model trains on to my nephew – because he is a boy. Even though he was never interested in the trains.
Wow MB that is impressive!! You totally deserve the credit! We first need to take things apart before we learn to put things together. You’re son’s success definitely has a lot to do with your empathic motherly traits, encouraging him to explore the things he is interested in.
I totally agree with you, that is why I normally buy my kids’ toys from yard sales. On FB there’s a local group in our country where parents sell used children’s toys and clothes and that’s where I get 80% of their stuff. If they break it, it only cost me $2. Even their cribs and changing table was from there. For their birthdays and Christmas I get new stuff though.
Thank you Mommypino. Yes, I am very proud of the man he has become. He was always good at taking things apart to find out how they work. He’s much better at getting stuff back together now!
MB
Was your son in the military? Wondered how he got interested in jet engines.
WS, he was always interested in mighty machines from the time he was in diapers. Trains, bulldozers, trucks, jets. He considered the military after high school, but “there was this girl”. We have a school not too far away that is known for their a & p mechanic program so that’s what he did and was able to stay home. That is until he finished school and started a job far, far away and took the girl with him. I’m proud but God how I miss them both!
MB
I just wondered. My middle son always took things apart, too. He joined the Marines and was in charge of the weapons and ordinance for a flight of fighter jets. After he came home he got his engineering degree.
WS, Like my son, yours had a natural curiosity to know how things work. I consider curiosity vital in the learning process. I’ve always encouraged it. Once we stop being curious, we stop living!
Ava101, a lot of narcissists are chauvinistic. Are you still into trains? My husband loved trains when he was little but he couldn’t afford to own one so now he has a few Lionel trains that he bought. Someday when he retires he will turn one of our sheds into a train room.
Windstorm, is your 4 year old train lover grandson the baby in your profile picture before? How many grandkids do you have?
MommyPino
No, he’s not that grandchild. That’s his littlest sister in the pic. I have 8 and 4/5ths grandchildren (one coming in February).
4/5 ths. I love it!
Wow congratulations WS! Nine grandkids sounds a lot of fun!
Thank you, MommyPino! It’s is! Wonderful after growing up alone on a farm!
WS, if someone raised by a matrinarc is a goody two shoes, is that a sign that she’s a codependent?
MommyPino
I wouldn’t want to risk answering that. From what I’ve learned you are a codependent if you feel compelled to stay with the narc because you want to take care of them and fix their problems. You feel it’s essential to take care of them because they can’t take care of themselves. You can’t be happy if you don’t have someone to be taking care of. You feel a need to be in control. Read Lori’s comments. She describes codependents well.
No matter what relationship you had with your mother as a child, if you are living apart from her – living your own life, separate from hers – I doubt you are a codependent. We all feel an obligation to take care of elderly parents. That’s not codependency. Based on what you’ve said, if you’re leaving her in the Philippines, I doubt you are codependent.
Thank you WS! That’s a really clear explanation. You have a really good way with words. I get it now.
Poor elephants. 🙁
I used to have an adopted (as in: sponsorship) baby elephant in Kenya.
But I never saw one in the wild. 🙁 Only touched one in captivity, too.
My son loves trains and always has from a young age! He still wants to watch them and watches utube vids on trains. Ironically my gr grandfather was a train conducter.
my son loved thomas the train id sing the theme song to him. He had the track table and all the trains.
Gordon was always the bad ass
I’m impressed by your Thomas The Train knowledge HG! Nephews I presume?
HG, I like Gordon. I love it when he says, “Oh the indignity!”
Outstanding
Chihuahuamum, how old is your son? My son loves Thomas too. I thought it was creepy because only their eyes move. But he totally loves it. When he gets sick I let him have Thomas marathons.
Bust my buffers! Almost missed all the train talk!
You need to stay on track!
Cinders and ashes – you’re right!
James and diesil were my favorite. I was and still am a full fledged wiggles groupie! My kids no longer want to go to concerts sadly. I know the words to all their original songs. Hot potato hot potato and fruit salad my favs 😁 i think ill borrow someones kid and sneak off to their next concert lol
Hi mommypino…my sons a teen now but i kept all the kids thomas and wiggles dvds and cds. The years go by too fast!!
I liked Gina – there’s something dirty about her
Hey gorgeous women!
I’m enjoying this thread so much. Your little boys, your big boys and grandsons sound utterly delightful. I can tell how proud you are of them.
I love playing on the floor with my nephews, laughing at their creative scenarios, the voices of all the characters, the injokes, the silliness. I love the way their minds work, and seeing their personalities unfold. I love the clever questions they come up with, and the discussions we have. I love their masculine energy, running and jumping for the sheer pleasure of it, and their love of wheels and engines. I love gazing at all the highlights in their hair as it gleams in the sunshine, and how it fluffs out when they’ve had a bath and are in new jarmies. (Pyjamas) and their beautiful smiling faces when you’re reading them a bedtime story, and snuggling them and it’s “goodnight, I love you so much my little darling” time.
Oh it feels good!
They have shown a couple of Nordic train slow-tv documentaries here, and the Ghan is shown on ‘SBS On Demand’. I haven’t checked if it’s on YouTube.
Hope you find it interesting.
HG
Are we now getting teased by views of your ‘southern necessities’ (in Victorian parlance)? And views of some parts that the minions kiss?
Your feet, obviously.
Indeed
Can it be ?!? Flip flops 😳
No. Flip. Flops. Ever.
Are we going to see those blue eyes in the near future?
I forgot to mention when we’ve finished playing on the floor with trains, then we sit up at the table and DRAW trains. Or cars.
Or sing songs about trains and cars.
The Wiggles are very catchy.
Damn hg I have been subjected to this shit…well not anymore
I had another session with my therapist today.
She is not very good at her job I have to say… bless her… To be fair she really good natured, full of good intentions and committed to help me… And I trust her . That’s important.
So today she come up with this ridiculous idea that if I say at loud 25 times “ I am a beautiful person in and out” I will suddenly start loving myself ..?! Just repeat after me she said . ‘ No , I’m not saying that ‘ I said . ‘Why not? ‘ she asked? ‘
‘Because I don’t believe in this being a truth ‘ I replied.
She also wants me to join a codependents meeting once a week. ‘ Thank you but no thank you’ I said. I’m not seeing myself sitting in a circle in front of strangers ( this is how I picture this to myself) saying “ Hi , I’m Abw and I have ‘ more issues than Vogue ‘ sort of thing. No.
Abw, if your therapist isn’t good at her job, and her techniques dont resonate with you, then find another therapist. It isn’t a matter of trust.
LOL, abrokenwing, that’s funny. Did she actually say that using this type of mantra will help you change your feelings about yourself? I don’t buy it either.
However, there is merit in trying to say it – it can be in your mind – once (every so often perhaps) and paying attention to your body while you do it. Does your chest tighten up when you say it? Maybe it’s your throat, or maybe you feel empty or hot or… you get the idea. By doing this excercise, you access your body memory – the memory of your body feeling a certain way in certain situations. Over time, this can lead you to identifying/remembering these situations, making it possible to heal the (psychological) wounds.
Also, you may want to simplify the sentence to “I am a beautiful person”. Or try “I am a good person” (personally, that one gets my hackles all up). You can play around with different affirmations and see how they make you feel.
As long as this remains an investigative device – meaning your goal and focus is on establishing how a certain affirmation makes you react and where this reaction is rooted – you can go for the negatives, too. “I am a bad person” makes me want to barf, for example, and makes me panic because I so don’t want it to be true yet fear it is…
This way, you can map your inner beliefs. It would, of course, be best to talk it over with your therapist and work in tandem with her. Staying safe should is a priority to avoid unintentionally opening a wound you can’t handle on your own yet.
Hi Morning Sun,
Thank you for your comment. It resonates with me what you saying.
Yes , my chest tightened up and the words she wanted me to say got stuck in my throat.I also explained to her that she doesn’t know enough about me to make such a statement as I have done things in the past which I am ashamed of.
We have been trying to re word some sentences to make it sound right for me so I can identify with them more.
I understand that using affirmations is a practice of changing my thoughts into positive once.
However, for example- I have deep seeded belief in me that I don’t deserve to be loved and I don’t think saying “I am worthy of love”, “ I accept myself with all my imperfections “ etc while looking in the mirror will change it….or maybe I’m just too sceptical and not committed enough.
Abrokenwing
My therapist has suggested me saying those kind of affirmative statements, too. Years ago I felt like you do about myself. Now I agree with the statements, but saying things like that to myself just doesn’t fit with my personality maybe. I don’t say them either.
There are many different things like that though that your therapist might suggest. You should at least try each one. You may happen across one that actually meshes with your personality. The ones that work best for me are energy related.
One that works for me is to imagine each time that I walk thru a doorway that an energy field wipes out all my negative feelings. I even tied bright yellow strings to hang from my door frames at home to remind me of this as they brush against me.
The other is when I am outside to pull positive energy down from the sky and air and send it thru my body, flushing all my fears and negativity deep into the ground where it can dissipate harmlessly. This one is a big help to me.
Both of those may sound ridiculous to you as well, but my point is that there are simple techniques that can help each of us. We just have to sort thru them to find which ones fit for us. Don’t give up on looking. ❤️
Abrokenwing
Why do you continue to see her if she is not effective for you?
For the same reason I stayed in a relationship with narcissist even though I knew it wasn’t good for me I suppose…
Because of finding difficult to assert myself, saying ‘ No’, taking just what I get etc.
She is nice and trying to help me . I’m seeing her for some months now and it’s not just like cutting off the dentist.
I don’t want to make her feel bad…I don’t want to be ungrateful…I don’t want to disappoint people who helped me during the difficult time I went through 6 months ago.
I’ve never been in therapy before so I wasn’t sure what to expect.I can not compare it to the different experience so I’m just assuming it supposed to be like that.
It’s just… crisis was the catalyst that brought me to therapy and although I was in a very vulnerable state at the time I was also well aware and very clear about the goals I wanted to achieve.
As I started feeling better now and my confidence is returning I feel that I won’t be able to reach my goals with her as at this point she don’t seem to have much more to offer or she doesn’t have a necessary tools.
P.S.
ABW, if you trust and like her, then that is all that matters.
Two people tried to get me to do platitudes and I thought they were silly.