No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
16 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Well, when the Ativan ( for panic attacks) and HG were not having the desired response I FINALLY went on antidepressants!! Saved my life LITERALLY!!!! Never taken them before, but finally I am truly happy and do not give a rats ass if it is because I am on mind altering drugs! It works and I am at peace, happy– so yes sometimes you need them! Talking and talking, thinking and thinking about them?? Really time to STOP thinking and talking about THEM!!!
Empress1, agreed! Sometimes antidepressants are necessary. They do save lives.
So sick of having to run what used to be my normal happy life according to a narcopaths malignant mental defects. Even no contact I must now follow rigid rules dictated by his psychosis or I continue to pay. Pay for what? Oh, for giving unconditional love to the wrong man. For that I now have my whole life a continuing practice of how I must behave to be allowed to survive mentally emotionally spiritually physically and try to regain ‘me’. Even this good self help effort exists because of him. Blast it !! How I wish I had NEVER met him!!!
Great site HG wish none of us had need of all this . Most pain ever. Arg!
I think someone is lucky if they are allowed to go no contact . Some narcopaths will force you to break it just to get the continued high . When you realize you will never be let out of this nightmare – you find yourself worse than dead . HG , no contact implemented – children are being hurt to get a reaction . Over my head -he needs to be stopped . I think this greater would make you proud and you would be chums and have a good laugh . But just to show your acumen , maybe you could offer the mortal wound .
HG and readers–To what extent do you think processing N abuse with a therapist or counselor crosses into the dangerous territory of cultivating ever-presence? I have found the process extremely helpful, but I am at the point now where I wonder if talking about it all the time is getting less helpful. Any thoughts or opinions appreciated.
I haven’t been to see a therapist, but I was constantly thinking it through, talking about it here, using methods to resolve stuff and PTSD, etc., for a whole year here, daily. Then I felt I needed to focus on positive things, live again, and not remind myself of any of this at all anymore. But then there are phases when new issues pop up, or I’m not doing well, also new experiences, or I want to look at other aspects.
So, I would go with your own feelings about what you need. Sounds like you might want to try a break from therapy. Looking back of course takes energy, and focus, and you need to look at new, positive things and need your resources for that. Like that story about turning around and freezing into a pillar of salt.
J
That sounds to me like the time to either move on to other problems with your therapist or stop going to see them. A therapist is like a doctor, but for your mind. You go to them when you’re sick and stop when you’re better.
J
I never saw a therapist, all I did was vent here, read and establish low contact (we have a daughter) and the golden period and ever presence just fizzled out and I stopped thinking about it. It took about a year for me to get better.
Now, I am just focusing on the dynamic and maintenance.
K, this is the best therapy! (And free to boot!) The Boss is very generous to provide such a wonderful place for us. Therapy is expensive and not very effective. (From my experience.) Thank you HG!
MB
Honestly, I think most therapy is a waste of time and money. If you don’t have accurate information, you can’t effectively move forward, learn to recognize them and defend yourself or prevent another ensnarement. You are doomed to keep repeating the cycle.
J,
I agree with Windstorm on her comment.
I am in therapy and it has helped me significantly, as well as HG and this site. I have spent a lot of our sessions processing my two relationships to include the “latest and greatest” situation with one or another. I understand that is healthy. What is not becoming healthy is when that topic becomes the distraction from exploring other topics, other layers of the onion that is me. I don’t know if I do it to keep protecting myself or if it is to keep connected to those relationships. Thankfully my therapist is starting to challenge me more.
If that is not similar as you are finding for yourself, then maybe ava101’s and Windstorm’s advice of potentially being ready to step away from therapy can be the healthiest choice. It is good to be able to say “that was good and did what I needed it to but now is time for the next step.”
Thanks, All. Very helpful and great to hear from folks who have “been there.”
J
your comment about therapy has got me thinking….
I find it is best done in ‘bites’, in small stages that I can intensely think about, and then have space where it is being worked out in the subconscious realm. It’s still in process but my conscious mind is on other things to give my emotions a break. This results in productivity for me.
Our mind and body have their own natural rhythm, and once we become attuned to it, and work with it, and love ourselves with it, we are in the zone. It’s easier.
I could, for example, plan to process upsetting things on a certain day, but if I can’t stomach it, of it makes me overwhelmed, then I do something else instead. The therapy fits around that basic structure. My therapists all work this way too. I spread the therapy appointments out as needed.
(I have seen a few that were not helpful, so didn’t continue with them).
It’s the only way for me to tackle everpresence, it doesn’t contribute to everpresence.
There is no sentimental brooding or psychic flagellation of the self; it is the business of restoring order to the shattered, and healing to the trampled and abused parts. It slowly wears down the ‘pointy end’ of everpresence, I find. What once was like an acid burn on your heart becomes uncomfortable and unwanted, but it doesn’t sting acutely anymore. This is a long, slow process, and is made slower when shame is triggered.
It’s the clean up after the cyclone has been through initially, and then it becomes infrastructure maintenance and reinforcement.
Doing something for ourselves, being proactive, is better than feeling victimized. I’ve been reading for understanding, inner strength, healing and personal growth since I was 17, in retrospect. Visits to psychologists came much later, and were occasional until recently. I reference narcsite articles in my discussions with them now, as well as respected published authors/therapists.
HG,
have you heard of the murderer (and rapist, and torturer) David Dobson?
He murdered (over 35 years ago) brutally a young girl and then went and made phone calls, and wrote letters & sent evidence to the police, contacted the media, left evidence lying around, etc., all in such a stupid way, that he was caught right away.
That is cleary narcissistic & sadistic & sociopathic ….
… but why ?? would he be so stupid?! Can someone be that delusional?
And what kind of narc is that??
Am I right that you wouldn’t feel challenged, if you didn’t bring a victim under control mentally?
I do not know of him and cannot categorise him without knowing more about him.
Thanks 🙏 HG