Birthday Blues

birthday

They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

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39 thoughts on “Birthday Blues”

  1. Dearest K and NarcAngel,
    Yeah … we were trippin eh….all those chemicals 🤣
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. Dearest Windstorm,
    I believe it is a hillbilly word
    The Brits would probably think it was a new hat (you know, wear the hootenanny or the fox hat) 🤣
    I’ve been around the maypole a bit ..so it could’ve been from watching either Danny Kaye, Ma n Pa Kettle, The Beverly hillbillies, Greenacres, 7 Brides for 7 Brothers, Oklahoma, Clamity Jane …. the list is endless …. movies n tv are very educational……my kids keep reminding me
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. So do I, NarcAngel! My favorite was the Be early Hillbillies followed by Ma n Pa Kettle and Greenacres. What was your favorite?

      2. NarcAngel
        Yeah, I’m old enough to actually remember people like all the characters from these shows. Ha, ha! It’s like my middle son likes to say, “It’s funny because it’s true!”

      3. Dear NarcAngel,
        Good times weren’t they …. no wonder we can relate .. haha
        I’m a bit of an “old movie” addict ….Nelson Eddy Jeanette McDonald, GWTW type of gal
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Dear Windstorm … that’s so gorgeous
        My mum told me lot of young lasses married G.I.Joes from America only to find back home they were hillbillies ..big shock
        Turned around packed bags and came back home
        Probably got scared when the saw their huge alligators 🤣🤣🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. Lovely Bubbles
        Alligators….think you’re mixing your areas. No alligators in the hills. They live in flat, southern coastal areas or swamps.

      3. Dear Windstorm,
        Back then in the olden days … we just thought they were all the same …. we just believed what was in tv ( the ones on the hill were rich) haha
        I believe there called rednecks or swamp people … is that right.
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. I was wondering this morning about my mother’s words for a change, haha.
    But I would like to know your thoughts.
    I know that noone can know for sure, I just wonder what you think.

    Till I was about 14, my mother used to hit me for small things (like a slap in the face, or neck) and regularly over lunch, standing there with a spoon as a warning, till I had eaten up.
    So, she said back then (never at a later time, because she acts as if that had never happened over many years) that she had to do this to make sure I would eat, that I was too thin, wouldn’t eat, etc.
    (She complained about my eldest sister that she was too fat.)
    (It’s true that I didn’t like to eat to eat her lunch a lot, but judging from today’s perspective, I was totally right, it was neither healthy in any way, nor …. very good.)
    I actually think that it is a miracle that I didn’t develop an eating disorder.

    She justified it by saying that I had been a premature birth, and hadn’t drunk her milk in the first months, I had only slept (what a surprise … ….. ). So, she had to feed me, but I had never eaten enough since then. Well, judging from baby pictures, she did manage to feed me, I looked a few months later like a normal, very well fed, healthy baby … ….

    So, this lead me to think about my premature birth. My mother said that she had had a persistent cough and that is why I had arrived a full month early.
    (And that my father wasn’t there, at 7 a.m., because he was working in hospital as a social worker … doesn’t really add up either, but maybe it was one of his many different jobs. Will never know.)

    When I tried to find information on this (cough & premature birth); it seems it is a rare possibility but not very likely, that instead she should have stayed in bed.
    So, I was wondering if she neglected going to the doctor, as the symptoms would have been there, or if she took medicine which she shouldn’t have taken …
    She said she had to call an ambulance that night then.
    Yes, I know you can’t know, I just wondered if she might be lying about the circumstances; or leaving something out, like not really taking care enough, or maybe even wanting a premature birth, is something like that possible?

    Because at birth I wasn’t kept away from my mother, like … if she had been ill, wouldn’t I have had to be kept away from her as a premature child, so not to catch her illness?
    All I know is that I didn’t go into a special premature incubator (haha, is that the right word??) / bed, but a normal baby bed, and that I didn’t stay with my mother, only for being fed, she said that had been normal back then. And I got to go home with her soon in a normal way.

    1. Ava101
      Haha. So your mother claims she coughed you out? Hmm…you weren’t born 8 months after marriage were you? I can see someone trying to pull that then.

      On a serious note though…that was horrible treatment of you while eating and its a wonder that you didn’t develop a disorder.

      1. Hi, NarcAngel, thank you!

        Yes, she literally said that.

        It is a little weird, right?

        Haha, no, I am the third child of their marriage … Probably unplanned, 5 years after the last child … but everything fine on the outside for my Christian parents. 😉

    2. Ava 101,
      My mom had her own nutty stories like that about me and my sister’s birth. She claims in the 80’s doctors didn’t think you could become pregnant if you breast fed, and birth control pills back then made her sick as can be. Therefore, everyone except the eldest (golden child) was a surprise. The truth is, she has strong borderline traits, and loved everything about getting knocked up. My eldest sister was actually a preemie, but my mom emphasized that fact too much to a point it laid down her own dynamic of everything. Hardly anyone talks about it, but Narcissist and Borderlines have a weird relationship with food. My mother’s borderline traits have mellowed out a lot, but the food thing is one she has never been able to shake. She has an eating disorder herself, and tries to constantly sabotage other peoples diets and healthy eating habits.

  4. Ahhhh I see it now. Nice job NA! Ironic that I spell HaPpY BiRtHdAy like that when wishing someone a happy bday.

  5. Stupid off-topic question, but after wondering each time this pictures gets posted … – is there a reason behing the squares around the letters? And the second one is wrong??

      1. Hey luuuvable K,
        I was just reminiscing reading the 4th May comments….. .what a hilarious birthday hootenanny bash we had ….arrrrrhhhhhh, the good ol days…
        No wonder I luv you gals
        Mwah
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. Bubbles
        You all say “hootenanny” in Britain? I thought that was just a hillbilly word.

      3. Dearest Bubbles
        Ha ha ha…I was thinking the same thing and I almost posted the link for ava101. That was a funny thread, great memories.

        Luv K xoxo

  6. My husband, me, my older stepdaughter and my stepson’s birthdays are all around the same month. My husband decided to do group birthdays so that it’s easy for my stepdaughter since she lives an hour away from us. So whenever we have birthdays, the stepdaughters would forget to bring their cards and gifts for me and it would take about a month before I get them. But they didn’t forget the cards and gifts for their dad and brother. The gifts that they give me are usually general housekeeping stuff like dish towels and aprons, while I really tried to get then stuff that they use and will like.

    1. Mimmypino, I stopped giving gifts to BS when I figured out it wasn’t appreciated. The gifts meant more to me than him. He would talk up a dirty sock that someone gave him rather than acknowledge what I gave him. I have slowly cut off any privileges. He blocked me on social media one to many times and now he is not allowed back, no more $ here $ there, if he needs a ride I come up with an excuse. He asked me to pick up bread for him while I was at the store yesterday, I told him I had already left, no sex. Soooo I expect him to disappear anytime. I no longer serve a need.

      Are the stepdaughters both Narcs? It’s hard enough to be a stepmom but obvious disrespect would make it worse.

      1. Way to go Mercy! I’m happy for you that you are taking these actions and prioritizing what is best for you.

        I believe that at least the oldest one is. She seems like the description of a covert narc, in this blog, a mid-range elite I think. She’s only four years younger than me. The youngest stepdaughter, she’s around 26 right now and was diagnosed bipolar, so maybe her narcissistic behavior was just from her experiencing bipolar grandiosity. The oldest is the most dangerous one. She’s a psychology graduate but she’s a stay at home mom right now. My husband and I believe that she has been manipulating her younger sister. Both girls like to tell us that they are the most beautiful girls in our county. There is some truth to it, they can easily join Miss Universe but they never will because they are too narcissistic to risk losing. The oldest at least has all of narcissistic traits except for the sleeping around part. She’s been married to the same guy for 7 years. And she’s too high status in her mind to sleep around. He can be described as an enabler. Although they have exhibitionism trait, they both worked at Hooters and she modelled in suggestive and implicit nude photography. She also has fake boobs, the younger one doesn’t. I think having plastic surgery might be another red flag.

      2. Mommypino, wow that sounds like alot to deal with especially since you’re so close in age. Sounds like they feel a little threatened. Are they the reason you came to this site? I don’t think plastic surgery alone is a red flag but it sounds like you are picking up on narcissistic traits from them.

      3. Just reread my comment and realized that I gratuitously went on and on. Sorry Mercy. It must be full moon or something.

      4. Mommypino, aww I don’t mind. I like hearing other people’s stories. Ramble on, it helps to talk things out.

      5. Hi Mercy, sorry for the late reply, I didn’t see your reply earlier. No they are not the reason that I came to this site. There was a Somatic handyman who worked at our house who tried to seduce me. I ended up having a very intense attraction to him and even though I never acknowledge it to him, I know that he knew because I’m one of those people cursed with a very transparent facial expressions. I was having a hard time forgetting him although I never had sex with him, never admitted to him mybintense feelings, and never contacted him. I even lost appetite with food when his work was done. I was seriously going through withdrawal. But I was also left feelibg suspended in confusion with his behaviors while he was seducing me so I googled his behaviors. At first I thought he might be a player or a pick up artist but other behaviors still disn’t add up. Then I discovered narcissism and then HG’s blog which totally explained everything. Then through this blog I discovered that my mom and half sisters are also narcs. And my stepdaughters are highly narcissistic as well. And I also found out that I am attracted to narcs but I am fortunately married to a carrier super empath who is highly narcissistic and empathic at the same time. And that my stepkids’ mom is a victim narc who ensnared my carrier super empath husband. Thankfully also with the help of this blog, I don’t have an infatuation to the Somatic handyman anymore.

  7. Wow, I was just discussing my bday with BS today. The discussion started with loyalty .he was trying to explain to me that he has loyalty to me. He used my daughter’s as an example. He said he would have no problems hitting on anyone else’s daughters but because he’s loyal to me he never has hit on mine…I said “remember 2 years ago on my bday you were giving me the silent treatment and I was heart broke? Do you remember you text my daughter that day and asked if she would model t-shirts for you? Go fuck your loyalty”

      1. Mommypino, yep he sure is. I find it amusing that he still tries to convince me he’s a good guy.

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