In The End It Has To Hurt
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
27 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt”
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Hg
What about when family members or family friends comes to visit once a month and every time the guests leave the family narc females sit and talk negative about them. Anything to what they were wearing to how they ate would be mentioned after they leave. But being super nice to their face. Is that considered negative fuel towards the guest only the guest doesn’t know it after they leave?
Assuming the guest is not a narcissist, it is not negative fuel because they do not need fuel. What the narcissists are doing is smearing the guest or guests to provoke a response in the listener, that response being the provision of fuel.
HG,
I know what are devaluation triggers when it comes to the way we interact with you. But what about external circumstances? I am talking about the mid range narcissist.
For example:
1. A narcissist is successful at work – will it lenghten the golden period with IPPS? Because he can lash out at other people, he has many people who supply him?
2. What if narcissist doesn’t work and doesn’t have many friends – will it lengthten the golden periods with IPPS (he needs her to supply her really badly) or will it shorten the GP (he doesn’t have the energy to keep the mask at the place for a long time and is frustrated with his situation so lashes out at the IPPS)
3. What if his job requires many delegations so there are some days of separation with the IPPS during every month. Will it lenghten the golden period?
4. What if narcissist has a lot of money and can afford some status toys and gadgets he loves. He can buy a car he always wanted. Does it lenghten the Golden Period? What if he can’t afford it? Does this cause a frustration he puts on the IPPS?
5. Will lesser give the shortest honey moon phase and the greater the longest “in theory”?
6. Does living together and seeing each other every day lenghten or shorten the golden period? From one point of view it should shorten – boredom, familiarity. But on the other hand the inability to see his IPPS every day can cause the feeling his needs are not met, the fuel provision is not enough.
1. No. The golden period is dictated to by the fuel performance of the IPPS.
2. No.
3. Potentially because it is less likely to become as stale HOWEVER the IPPS could be viewed as not providing fuel frequently or as fulsome as required and thus devaluation begins.
4. No.
5. Yes.
6. Invariably the IPPS and the narcissist will live together (or see each other every day) as that is the nature of the IPPS and thus contributes to the staleness which is one of the triggers for devaluation of there IPPS.
I fully understand positive fuel. I believe we all like it, we want to be loved, admired, thanked, complimented, etc. It boosts the ego. You just need continuous boosting. This article explains pretty well why you won’t simply leave us when the fuel gets stale to hunt down fresh new fuel, but what I don’t understand is why negative fuel is just as good if not better? I read your book FUEL but still don’t get that part. I don’t understand the creature either. Much as I enjoy ego boosting fuel, I would absolutely hate negative fuel. Why do you derive fuel from our upset? Does making a woman cry really make you feel powerful? That’s my understanding but surely it has to be more than that?
Being able to generate negative fuel is the embodiment of real power.
HG
Is that because negative fuel is evidence that you have caused someone to be affected in a way that they did NOT want to be? That everyone likes to be admired and complimented so there is no power (to your mind) in that? Is that close?
Correct NA. It is easier to make someone smile, but to cause someone upset and have them still remain ensnared, that is power and thus the fuel that flows from negative fuel is more fulfilling. That is not to say that positive fuel should be overlooked, it is important also.
Hi HG! I guess I still get confused though why the law of diminishing returns doesn’t kick in with the negative fuel. Okay, so you provoke a nasty fight and draw out the hurt and tears in your partner. You have said though, that on a continued basis you are doing it if they are in the devaluation stage which means you are bored, annoyed and agitated with them and looking for positive fuel elsewhere. If they are such a hindrance how can it feel that powerful to still be interacting with them to get negative fuel? I don’t how there can be this addictive rush of power, when you are also bored, shut-down or aggravated by the intimate partner. Isn’t it natural to keep putting more distance between the two of you and limiting the interactions?
No.
I cannot bear for someone to be upset with me. It is very foreign that it could be edifying, but I do understand the concept. So counterintuitive and I never would have learned it if not for HGT.
“Being able to generate negative fuel is the embodiment of real power.”
I’m not sure I agree with this one, HG. We all of us can generate negative fuel in others. I’m usually always aware of what I could do or say that would cause negative fuel to pour from whoever I’m with. The difference is I’m careful not to do or say those things so I won’t hurt someone else – even if they have hurt me. Often this is very difficult. I’m more inclined to think refusing to generate negative fuel shows real power – power over oneself.
The difference is WS you do not need negative fuel and you care about the effect of generating a negative response from someone. We require negative fuel and we do not care about the impact of obtaining it. Hence our perceptions of it amounting to power are bound to differ as we are approaching it from different standpoints.
I can understand that point, HG. I was not looking at it from your perspective. One necessarily values very highly the ability to obtain what is believed essential. True power to any one person will always be control of what that individual considers most valuable. Thank you very much for responding.
You are welcome WS.
Omg this is why a Narc tells you he is involved with someone else isn’t it? To get negative fuel and yet that you are still entangled causes him to feel power?
Doesn’t this have diminishing returns as the victim just says ok he’s with someone else and I have no choice but to move on so she just stops contacting the narc ?
It seems to me it’s the negative fuel that is short lived with diminishing returns ?
Thank you, HG, got it.
HG
Is the boredom that you feel when doing a tedious unchallenging activity the same boredom that you feel when you are accustomed to your target’s adoration-fuel?
It seems perhaps that there is still a pleasure to be gained by the anticipation of future emotional responses from your target so the ‘boredom’ feeling has a different quality. Does the threshold of tolerance increase so you can stay with the target, compared with a tedious task that you cannot do for one more day and is irritating?
No.
Clarece and Lori
Good points.
The Law of Diminishing Returns IS at work from the target’s perspective. The N is shooting himself in the foot for fuel provision at some point with those actions of acquiring negative fuel.
It’s like a built-in obsolescence.
The N triggers the start of his own devaluation, at some point, unless he’s with a masochist.
That brings us back to the ‘Five Howling Wildernesses’, & ‘why it will never work with a N’. And the article above.
I love having the big picture, and the microcosms within my grasp.
Very satisfying mind food HG.
Great point! We’re asking about the laws of diminishing returns because it definitely applies from our perspective. Makes me think of the articles about how to tell if you are with a narcissist and one item will say are you constantly feeling like you have to explain how to act with courtesy and decency to a grown up acting like a child. The constant provoking for negative fuel often leads to the dreaded circular, word salad conversations or fights.
Thank you for replying HG.
Anybody can generate an unwelcome emotion/feeling in the recipient by provoking them, irritating them , aggravating them, vexing them, rile, and so on and so forth, how that would make a nar c feel powerful, ominpotent and goldike is beyond explanation ..it is a false power a false strength under a facade of strength,,how can somebody truly sincerely feel powerful over the emotions of others is to me inferior ,,,they are susceptible to weaknesses and vulnerabilities that’s why they deflect that on to you well you’re the one who actually in fact is weak and vulnerable and gullible by furnishing us with so much “information” about yourself which is untrue on my part at least,,,that’s what one of their many aims are,,,so just think how horrible an individual would have to be to attack the very thing that makes you , you and how you interact with other people,,,I’m not going to be this that and the other thing because it offends your immoral nature. .
Sounds like a child…
I think you should reprise the role of Dracula replacing Bella Lugosi from the original 1931 film
I just realized I gave my narc that experience of opening the strawberry ice cream and expecting it to be delicious but inside it’s got freezer burn. hahahaha I know I have to reinstate no contact but I admit I got some satisfaction out of that.