What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
32 thoughts on “What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?”
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Egads. No more hoping for the best. I need a plan.
I exposed my narc’s lies to him, traveling that for several weeks I had been pretending I did not know while I gathered research. He characteristically denied lying, then withdrew for a time, I think to strategize, before writing a letter that said,” I will ruin your reputation and career if you let anyone know sbout my lying,” outling exactly how he could do that. I did not respond because I knew any response or no response were both success for him. What he does not know is that I am calculating whether I care about his threats. He underestimated me because I am very empathetic. So much so that the only reason I do not out him is because I feel it is wrong to destroy for revenge. But he underestimated that I could put the pieces together and that I know that in the end I stronger than he is. I know that I must cross paths with him again professionally. I do not want to engage with him. I do not care who he is with.
Not traveling – revealing. Damn these phones.
Dear HG, what is the difference between a greater narcissist and a psychopath?
What I can’t grasp at at times is if the lessers and mid-rangers act from instinct, don’t know why they act as they do.. how come it’s not to everyone ? They seem to be able to control themselves in front of certain people? They still have a choice in how they act? They must know what they are doing..how can they keep a facade up and be a bastard at the same time? Which book may clear this up for me? How can they purposely know how to and do wind people up but not know how they they are doing it and that they are doing it? Thanks
flutterbymorpho
It depends on where an individual is in the narcissistic cycle (are you painted black or white), what type of appliance you are and the school of narcissist you are dealing with.
This statement below is facade maintenance:
They seem to be able to control themselves in front of certain people?
They act on instinct and don’t have a choice. They are driven by their need for fuel.
You may find these articles helpful.
https://narcsite.com/2018/09/01/do-narcissists-know-what-they-are-doing-the-mid-ranger/
https://narcsite.com/2018/08/31/do-narcissists-know-what-they-are-doing-the-lesser/#comments
https://narcsite.com/2015/12/12/born-to-be-riled/
I heard my mid-range..lesser narc say , to a man that I was dating ( after my escape ), that he “earned the right “ to call me whatever he wants to call me ..such as stupid bitch. He was yelling these comments at this man while in my driveway at my rental home. This was my first tip off …that he felt he owned me .I had never heard anyone say something like that ……never had he said that about how he perceived his rights of entitlement before in the past 11 years . I often wondered if it was just repeating a friend of his ?
My narc would often say,”Some men think they own women.” Of course at the time I did not rralize he was a narcissist. He was trying to get my guard down. (He never said,”It is wrong for men to own women.”) Basically everything he was he denied in advance before I had any idea of what he really was. “I am unusually honest. I never watch porn. I am the perfect gentleman. I am so trustworthy. ” I Now I have a radar for that. During the devaluation stage, either he tried to scare ne by insinuating that he might be a serial rapist and killer or he actually is one. The ultimate outing would be if I could lead the police to investigate him without him finding out that I did that. Otherwise, I would soon be dead, too.
I had a discussion with my greater this week. i was getting tired and wanted to expose him. He wants me to believe that he, a high politician, had no power over X that his office did to me…
As I was discussing, I realized how fucking manipulative and scary he was. he had orchestrated his office, his office to attack me, and now was playing a victim. It clicked how manipualtive he was. I remembered this article. I stopped. I did not expose. I apologized.
I know better now. Thank you HG. Great analysis.
Good tan on the legs!
Thank you and thank you.
“Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done.”
The narcissist thought that her vicious campaign of photos posted to social media and texted to me, her texts telling me “the truth” about my husband, her threats to send me all of his texts to her would be my undoing. She thought that I’d crumble into a heartbroken pile of tears, or explode into a rage at my husband and cause the end of our marriage.
She didn’t anticipate that I don’t give a good damn what anyone else thinks about me. I’m a formidable opponent and she was totally unprepared for me to be so very confident in who I am. The first night I reappeared at one of my husband’s performances, she sat five feet behind me all night, staring at both of us. She may have thought to intimidate or embarrass us but she made a fool of herself instead.
She continues to do so, nearly three years later. She will never win but apparently she’ll never give up her foolish pursuit, either.
very inspiring. congrats
Have you considered the possibility that your husband is the narcissist? No offense, just curious…
I’m not offended, just curious why you’d ask.
No, he’s not a narcissist. I’m probably more narcissistic than he is, but I’m not one either. I wouldn’t have married a narcissist, my father was one and I learned to ignore my attraction to them before I met my husband. Plus I have no capacity for endless misery, if someone treats me badly and they don’t change that behavior I’m out. I would say over the course of our marriage that I’ve treated him worse than he’s treated me with the exception of infidelity. I don’t consider affairs to be worse than other ways people hurt each other unless it’s a way of life.
“I recall that he was very angry at me, which was shocking because who was the one crushed and betrayed here? At one point, he yelled “Why do you even care what I do?!?” and that hurt so bad because I knew it was my own fault that he felt that way. I knew how much of my disregard and inattention he’d endured over the last few years, that he would feel that way. We had talked about this a month or so prior. I had, for the first time in too long, listened to him with my whole heart. I’d apologized profusely and I still don’t think he believed me then, but I was determined to work on our marriage and myself. I am not saying that the affair was my fault, because it wasn’t. I was unhappy, too, but I didn’t choose to get involved with someone else. I chose therapy and trying to make things better between us. Just…maybe I waited too long.”
First let me say that I 100% relate to your situation. Your writing is both excellent and devastating, as in the above passage on your blog. But how can you write this and not see that you are dealing with a narcissist? I wonder what HG would think…
Yes I exposed a greater the punishment I got was extremely bad he pushed me to the point of wanting to die I lost 15 kg through stress I was severely underweight I couldn’t hold down food some days even water The longest I could sleep at a time was an hour and a half for 12 months.
I believe he wanted to kill me I personally wouldn’t advise it either I got smart started recording Conversations that I was having with him or his minions After three years of this he has finally retreated and is leaving me alone there is a part of me that thinks that he will come back again he knows I won I really hope I don’t seem again.
I didn’t wanna take the chance of him doing it to someone weaker and considering I am the strongest person I know that pretty much meant everyone anyone My mother was a greater so I knew what I was in for I have to admit though he outdid her she doesn’t have his staying power but I do and I didn’t need to use maligned negative vindictive things to do it
So good that you broke free, Veronique Jones. Best wishes on staying strong. 💪
haha I sense an empath here BurntKrispy Kenn 😉
Thanks 🙏
what was he doing? congrats on winning. keep fighting!
He is my doctor I thought we had a good relationship until he started to get to interested in my personal life I didn’t think that was appropriate so he humiliated me in a very personal way I confronted him and then the malignant hoovering started he would glare at me with hatred I was getting phone calls saying if I wanted treatment I could go interstate because I wasn’t going to get it here I have had a lung transplant and he is the only doctor who can treat me in this state also legally obligated to I was getting the silent treatment from his entire team he even got people from the ombudsman’s office to cover it all up
I got cance and he refused to do anything about it for three years I was refused any type of testing for things I needed checked on several occasions psychiatrists were sent my house or called me personal details about my life were discussed with the entire hospital including patients I knew he was getting them to give him all the information on my life he is on the board of the hospital so my complaint would not go past him mostly he would get his minions to do his dirty work after 12 months I overdosed I felt completely alone and no one was going to help me eventually I started recording conversations and went to the premiere and she made them investigate it his fury was definitely ignited and he got really hateful it took two more years of abuse gaslighting evil stares the present and absent silent treatment but eventually he was reprimanded for his behaviour last time I saw him he walked past me with his tail between his legs I knew he was spent but things have improved in the sense that I see a colleague of his he has gone into hiding and I’m getting the relevant tests and medications
Veronique
You poor darling!
What incredible strength you’ve had to have to get through that!
N-doctors and N-surgeons are in a special class of shite. They hide behind legal loopholes.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You have my admiration and respect. I wish peace, rest and healing for you, and better things for the new year.
Thanks Caroline and your welcome if my story helps others people it’s all worth it
Knowing he will never get away with it again has a comfort I exposed him badly enough to know he cannot risk another similar situation without risking his career
I don’t know how many times he has gotten away with it before me he was very confident he would beat me and if I wasn’t aware of what he is and thought it was just me I would have been more concerned with about my actions and if they would hurt him but it’s never personal with narcissists they treat everyone the same and because their wounds can come from things that most people would not understand I knew it was only a matter of time before it was someone else I have had narcissists in my life all of it I couldn’t bare the thought of him doing to someone who didn’t know what he is I truly believe that the worst kind of evil is when a good person turns a blind eye to the actions of a bad person leaving victims to suffer
Veronique Jones thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong woman. Wow I had never considered having a narc doctor. That must have been so hard. I am very sorry. You are almost out. How is your health now? You are an inspiration. You are very strong. Thank you for this story. it was very motivating
Someone who I was knowing told me that I shouldn’t trust anyone, neither him because every one has a dark side. He was also trying to make me believe that I have it too. When I told him he was manipulative, he admited it as if it were something to be proud of. Obviously I escaped. Would a narcissist admite that he/her is manipulative?
It’s better when you just talk and don’t try to re-traumatise us or blatantly suck us for fuel.
Leslie
Are you able to share some details of your life with us? Your story? Your experience?
You seem to be in a lot of pain, and maybe we could offer some support or comfort.
In a healthy relationship, if you make it known you are being hurt, the other person will alter their behaviour in a way that demonstrates care and respect for your wellbeing. This is done reciprocally by both parties in the relationship.
In a relationship with a narc, only the non-narc makes adjustments, first as an act of care then as self preservation.
There is no point to trying to prove anything to a narc. They are not going to accept responsibility or be accountable.
So prove it to yourself and get the hell out before he kills you (and maybe the children as well). He will still try to kill you so never let your guard down.
Narcs are fear based creatures that see everyone and everything as threat / exploitable resource. They will destroy whatever they find threatening (which ends up being pretty much everything).
great advice.
So true
Leslie, everything true. And it was no exaggeration, when you said, Narcs are an emotional holocaust . (or something like that) They are. Of course, HG made it ridiculous and of course he had his followers, who helped him (his emotional army).
Fear is why we stay.
It maybe the fear of being alone, rejected, looked down upon (shame based), loss of financial and/or home ( who wants to live in the street not being able to provide for ones children), loss of life.
Even in childhood for both sides fear is what is layer upon us to be accepted and fit in. I believe either consciously or subconsciously HGs kind understand they are not connected, if it is not recognized in the child they learn to depend only on themselves, abuse twists things even with empaths.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Doesn’t matter what side you are on, if it appears real to you it will have an effect on you. Most react instinctively (Empath and Narcissist), few response to situations.