Jettison
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.
We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.
Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.
This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.
We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.
This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.
35 thoughts on “Jettison”
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Lovely post image too.
Not sure whether I grasp what it has to do with jettisoning, bul looks great.
Dear Mr Tudor,
It totally came out of left field …..talking normally the day before then next min
The weasel said …..
“I don’t want you both to come to my house any more” ….”I need time to myself and be by myself” “I’m destined to be on my own”
BUT
“I will let you to text me twice a day ….no more than twice, only every other day, just for now”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My mother did the same ….talking to her one minute then “poof” she was gone …..moved house, no forwarding address
Your article describes it to perfection Mr Tudor
Congratulations on a brilliantly written description
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear HG: so jettison/disengagement is always bound to occur?? In each and every case it is just a question of time?
Almost always, sometimes the disengagement trigger does not occur, but that is rare.
Thank you for clarifying HG, appreciate your input. Based on ex-UMRN’s pattern of behaviour, jettison will be inevitable – as a former IPPS, it happened to me at least 3 times. NC now.
Confused. Narcs stay in long term relationships (lifelong marriages) all the time right? How can it then be rare? I think of devaluation as the ultimate predictable behavior—not necessarily a jettison. Help!
FGS,
That is one of my Dirty Empathic traits. Pick a drug, and I have done it. I have always done well careerwise, and healthwise, but you can bet I have bounced from drug to drug, from alcohol to drugs. I have always been empathic, and after taking care of people all week long, it kind of feels good to do a line, and drink champagne on a Friday, and The Narcissist I have had romantic relationships with exploited this in every which way. The Gaslighting and manipulations from Narcissist becomes more intense and frequent. They use your weaknesses and “sins” against you. She is not in a good place being with a Narcissist with vulnerabilities, even if it appears that way.
I stopped partying as soon as I found out i was pregnant with my ex narcs baby- it was getting old anyways. It took a while to undo some of the brainwashing the narc did while i was with him. He stripped those boundaries and made me think i deserved to be cheated on.
I also understand why you keep track of your ex’s relationships. I did that a lot after i split with the narc, and i continued to do it, because i wanted to be able to predict when I would be more prone to the awful Malign Hoovers. This time of the year, the hoovers can be intense.
I hope you get to a point, where your heart is full of compassion, love, and forgiveness.
ANM, I’ll take indifferent and immune when it comes to him (and whomever he is involved with) over compassion, forgiveness and love which he doesn’t deserve.
For the moment, I occasionally lapse in to abuse amnesia in which I think that it didn’t really happen, he really couldn’t have been as bad as I thought, etc, etc, etc so for clarification purposes that I’m not wrong, I’m looking forward to his first discard after me. Discard to the one that he was involved with the entire time he was with me and I’m sure, even before me. Just a little confirmation goes a long way.
Her damage, her healing; that’s on her. Not my monkeys, not my circus as they say.
Dear HG,
May I ask?
What time limit, broadly speaking, does the (non somatic) MMRN allow himself, prime aims etc considered, to make up his mind as to whether the IPSS he is courting is to replace the current IPPS?
Alice
He does not actively make up his mind, it is a matter of instinct.
Thank you for your reply HG. Your explanations are unfailingly illuminating.
Alice
You are welcome.
Are you ever amused watching them sniff around like hungry dogs?
Need to watch MIB 1 and reframe the situation. Reframing is an excellent way to take back your personal power.
Narcs frame situations to take power all to themselves. It’s all about power. The dramatic emotive wording provides fuel responses.
HG has been very clear his primary goal in life is gathering fuel (power). Run the dramatic writing through that mental filter then cut it down to the essentials and reframe.
K or any of you if you can… do you recall the article HG Writes about your replacement being nothing like you?
I’ve used the search function but I can’t find anything, most likely my search terms are just not accurate enough.
Cut this addiction once and for all!
Thanks in advance ladies and gents 😘
Have You Seen Who He Is With?
Presque Vu
When I can’t remember the name of an article, I use a phrase from the article to pull it up. Panic pick, skanky individual or two-bob skank whore will pull up Have You Seen Who He is With?
Type orgasmic bliss into the search bar and read that article. That’s a good one.
Thanks for the tip K, I don’t see the new partner like that so couldn’t think of terms.
Orgasmic bliss I’ve just read for the first time, I’m sure some of these articles aren’t appearing when you go back over the blog as I have previously read all of 2016.
The blog started in 2015.
My pleasure Presque Vu
Ha ha ha…two-bob skank whore isn’t how we usually see people. 2015 is awesome, when you have a chance read those, you will love them.
To try and say I escaped, unscathed from my time with the narc would be a lie. I readily agree that he did damage and caused harm. My strength comes partially from my support group whom he was never able to isolate me from, as well as my history (that he was unaware of). I agree, there has been pain BUT I have survived worse and thus I will survive this. This is minor in comparison to some things I have already went thru in life (none of which he knew because if he did, perhaps he would not have chosen to engage with me).
At this point in time, I read HG, I absorb, I see what was going on, I understand and thus I maintain no contact and have no desire to return to him, no desire to even ever be ‘friends’ again.
There is a part of me though, that is standing on the sidelines, quietly observing, paying attention and waiting for my replacement to get jettisoned. WHEN this occurs, because HG says it WILL happen, I will raise a drink in silent toast, nod my head and continue to carry on. She had over a year, living in close proximity, to pay attention to what he was like and has failed to see the signs. If I had had that, I would not have gotten involved thus, in my opinion, she deserves her comeupance when it arrives. She watched the women go thru the revolving doors of his condo as she lived directly beneath him. She was one of many he was having sex with at the same time. As a supposed recovered cocaine addict, I initially wanted to protect her from the fall. Now, I mostly feel sorry for her because as addict, it’s likely going to hit her harder and do more damage to her. When he told me he had a ‘girlfriend’, I laughed and told him to give her my sympathies because in 6 months or less, she will likely be joining the ranks of the rest of his crazy ex’s, who have ALL cheated on him! What was funny was that I don’t think he realized he said that he didn’t think it was even going to last that long.
The relationship bulletins have been posting a lot over this holiday season. His Christmas Day photo of the 2 of them was in fact, a picture of 4 peope; him, her, me as represented by the ball cap he wore, and the one before me as represented by the dress shirt he wore! I sense a jettison in the near future!! All I can say is….bring it on!
FGS
Her comeuppance will be that she will not have the knowledge you now have and will likely switch addiction and turn back to cocaine. That is not your concern but a sad reality. Glad you are out.
That was one of the reasons that I was initially in the mindset of wanting to warn her BUT from reading here, not only is that not my job, she wouldn’t believe me anyways as she has drank his koolaide (and I’m the crazy ex, which if I’m seen around, will have the police called on me because I’m so sooooo mentally unstable). If she’s lucky, her support group from her weekly addiction meetings will catch her, if not, as you say, not my concern.
In my humble opinion I will not raise a glass when my soon to be ex-husband de-values his current love interest. It does nothing for me to see someone else confused or in pain.. I don’t need affirmation that he is what he is to see him “discard” another person. I know what happened in our household for 15 long years–and if it never happens to another person I will be grateful for it. Certainly she is not as educated, attractive, classy or whatever as I think of myself to be and I’ve had many laughs over her online antics but I’ve come full circle (thankfully) on any feelings of contempt. I’m aiming for emotional maturity in this matter because harboring any anger or anything less than a forensic view of his behavior is not helpful anymore.
Now THAT is logical thinking.
I look forward to getting there soon.
And one day, may I be as emotionally removed. Until then, what goes around, comes around. She had the time to understand what she was getting in to, I did not, therefore she has made more of a mistake than I did. And being in recovery for cocaine, should have a better handle on addictions and what they can do to you, of any type. It will be a nod of deference though (more directed at HG than either of them) as opposed to a celebration drink, if that makes any difference.
I’ve actually had to work on “cognitive empathy” for his girlfriend. She’s so repulsive (not a nice word) that it is sad. I couldn’t be angry anymore—it was consuming me and felt corrosive. Also, I wouldn’t be angry at a stranger on the street suffering from obvious alcoholism would I? She is no different and she is clueless what she is latched onto. Of course she deserves the same sympathy I would feel for anyone else. I take care of addicts in my work daily and their plight is one that (at times) strains my emotional bandwidth. The reality at the end of the day is that she is very nice to my children. Also, at the end of the day his propensity for abuse will surface and no one deserves abuse.
Why is she nice to your children? What’s the motive? What damage is she doing? Influenced by him and his comments (potentially bad mouthing you and turning your own children against you)?
I don’t trust easily and I wouldn’t trust either in your situation. I definitely should not have trusted in my situation, how easily it was exploited!
She is nice because she is not a monster. She is probably an empathic woman caught up in alcoholism. They do not talk about me to the children but certainly talk about me to one another. Both of us are far too polished to rely on endlessly smearing one another in front of the children. In fact, I surmise she actually “coaches him” to be healthier in his attitude toward me! It’s part of his mid-range victim persona. His nonsense is so predictable by means of what HG has taught me..
My 11-year-old just came in the door from school. She’s simply beautiful. All of my kids are. If I had to endure years of mental torture to have them it was worth every second. He’ll never ever have that positive emotion toward the kids. He isn’t capable. Now that is what is truly sad. I actually feel sorry for him from a distance.
Kathy0720
Its sounds that you are in a healthier place than you were before and your kids will definitely benefit from that as well.
Thx! Hell yes. I was in a fog for months p
I almost lost my freaking mind. I was in a fog—I wouldn’t wish it on a soul.
She is nice because she is not a monster. She is probably an empathic woman caught up horribly in the throws of alcoholism. They do not talk about me to the children but certainly talk about me to one another. If this is the second reply—I apologize. I thought I sent a reply and maybe not. Anyway, I suspect she is empathic and as a result of her lower echelon lifestyle is well accustomed to divorce. (Her friends are all middle aged women with kids and no current spouses—hence, they’ve all been down the rocky road and probably have had counseling for their woes.) She’ll happily spread her “knowledge” onto the mister and he’ll rein in his behavior as he sees it suits her and he being a mid-ranger will be absolved of all consequence and just feel bad my poor kids have such a bad mom.. Awe. The irony. It’s actually amusing when viewed as he sees his position in life. They’ll lament over firelight to the booze she requires as they convalesce his battered soul.. Beautiful right!
“the revolving doors of his condo”
Yikes. That just brought back memories of my narc’s apartment when I first met him. Without going into detail, i always had a weird feeling about his lady neighbor across the way, that maybe he had flirted or slept with her or was sleeping with her. But I would tell myself I’m being paranoid/silly/jealous for nothing. I’d suppress my intuition.
Now that I’ve been reading here on this blog for about a month, I can now say it was highly possible that he had her over, and maybe other women as well, too.
Proof or no proof, I would not put it past him.
That intuition is a strong thing. I always felt something was off with her and him. The way she would wait for him to come home from work, hang over her balcony and talk to him, hanging on every word, hunt him down, come use the laundry facilities on his floor, the way she questioned me when I moved in, and when we moved out, how much she blew up his phone and texted him the weekend right after we moved out (and him saying he had no idea how she got his cell number). A mere 2 weeks later was when I came across the messaging history on his iPad; he had invited her to move in here with us, I was ‘just a roommate’, he wanted to get to know her better, she didn’t have to wear a mask for him, please be vulnerable, the messages he sent asking her to pick him up from casinos when he was too drunk to drive home, inviting her to go camping and quadding (ah, I was IPPS, she was going to sleep where??), she just loved all the conversations they had, it was always something different blah blah blah make me puke. All that crap and their own body language; once you’ve slept with someone, how you silently interact changes and my radar was pinging long before I had the messages to back it up!!