Heavy Lies The Narcissist’s Crown
Heavy lies the crown that sits atop my head as I look out upon my kingdom. Inside my gilded tower I remain, behind those fearsome double doors that are locked four times and triple-barred. I sit on my throne which has been fashioned from the souls that I have stolen and bound to this edifice of dark steel and jagged glass. I hear the low moan of their captivity as I sit and regard my lands which stretch away north, east, south and west. From this vantage point I see all things and I am seen by all, reminding them of who I am and why I am their better. I am chosen to lead and rule and they must always exhibit suitable respect and loyalty to me or suffer the same fate of those who know provide my seat. I know there are pretenders out there who would seek, through their perfidious ways to storm my citadel and unseat me. I know their plans. I know their schemes of treason, their seditious whispers come my way, carried to me by my ever loyal crows that flit hither and thither spreading my dark message and feeding me the responses which I greedily feed on by way of much needed sustenance.
I know too well that there are those who would come like a thief in the night and seek with malicious aforethought to slit my throat and leave me bleeding to death, my life leaking from me from their numerous puncture wounds and thus I must maintain my defences and seek out these disloyal foes. I know their game and I have them in my eye. They cannot reach me here though. My dedicated Lieutenants guard the route to this citadel and they will reject all those who approach me with false intentions. I know they will not swerve from protecting their master for I fashioned them in my own image in order to enable them to fulfil their roles. Equipped with blackened weapons that slice and tear they will cut down any who dare to cause me harm. None are able to land that fatal blow against me though. I am wise to their plans of harm and assassination and I scent their scandalous treachery dripping like ichor from them as easily as I might detect the aroma of the lily or the honeysuckle.
Heavy lies the crown that rests upon my head for I bear the burden of many about me. It is not easy guiding and corralling those souls that look to me for protection and enlightenment. How they flock to my citadel when I stand at my balcony and allow them the grace of my golden rule. They bow down before me by their thousands their admiration and gratitude palpable and allowing me to drink deep of their worship. In return I ensure that these dedicated subjects experience a golden era, an epoch of bounty and elation and so they continue to gather beneath me on bended knee hoping for a glance of their most excellent ruler. It is no role for those of a faint heart. Those who lack fortitude cannot sit on this throne for only the mighty and the blessed are capable of seizing the hopes of a thousand thousand followers and allowing them their time in the sun. Only he who is venerated and of such elevation can provide such succour to the many who clamour for that guidance in such dark times. My bounty allows them to flourish as they tend to these fertile lands. My leadership provides them with the reason to till the land, sow their seeds and gather the fruits of the kingdom in my name. It is only through my benevolence that such a period of plenty can flourish.
Often I must consign some of them to shadow, snuffing out the golden shaft of light which illuminated their world. I do so with a heavy heart for they showed me some service but now they offer me little and as such they must understand that such grace and beauty is within my gift and as I grant it, I can deny it. Their wails and howls of pain and protest always confirm my decision was the right one and I take great sustenance from their misery. Still, such is the mighty attraction of one like me that they do not depart or slink away to far flung lands but instead they remain, bearing the torture and calling out to me, begging for my forgiveness and pleading for the restitution of my golden reign. I am not an evil man, though many spread such lies that I am and as such I will, from time to time, allow that life-giving and benevolent golden light to grace their lives once again and their relief and gratitude is most edifying.
Each and every day I must sit on this throne atop my mountain-dwelling citadel and ensure the welfare and good order of my subjects to ensure that the daily harvest is strong, plentiful and potent. Few can do this with the effectiveness that I can. I have yet to meet them but I know they exist, governing lands far from my own in a manner that is so similar to my own. Each and every day I must consign some subjects to shadow and shame, each and every day I must return others to the fold. They cannot exist without me and I cannot exist without them. I am their king, I and the land are one.
Today heavy lies the crown atop my head but I know that come tomorrow the harvest will be even greater and thus recharged I will alleviate the weight and lift my head to allow my eyes both golden and black to look each and every one of my subjects in the eye as if to ask them what will they do for me today. Heavy lies the burden that they will carry for their king. Heavy lies their obligation to their monarch. Heavy lies the invisible yoke about their necks and the chains which I shall yank in order to ensure that tomorrow this heavy weight will be heavy no more.
113 thoughts on “Heavy Lies The Narcissist’s Crown”
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Please don’t try to locate me. I’m here for my own sanity. I need a sanctuary. I don’t need more risk. My husband is a well known person here.
»»Please put your energies into bringing the words of HG to the world. I’m working in my small way to start the same here.
I didn’t and I won’t. Please, take care of yourself. I hope to continue to read you here. You write beautifully, Leslie.
HG
Reposting due to WordPress gremlins.
“Often I must consign some of them to shadow, snuffing out the golden shaft of light which illuminated their world. I do so with a heavy heart for they showed me some service but now they offer me little and as such they must understand that such grace and beauty is within my gift and as I grant it, I can deny it.”
HG.. by the reference to a “heavy heart” do you mean disappointed?
Because although it is beautifully written and matches all the flow of the piece you do not do heavy heart routines do you?
Or do you?
Further, does the wording on the following sentences about you knowing you made the right decision to cast some into the Shadows mean that it is a fuel exercise if you do that, and that because they deliver such information as to prove how miserable they are, it proves then that it was purely an exercise, effective in the garnering of fuel.
If then it does mean that it was the right decision to have cast some to the Shadows in order to gain the fuel then why would you say it is with a heavy heart that you do it?
Would it not be more appropriate to say that “it is with an excited heart rubbing its metaphorical hands together in glee with anticipation” of the expected fuel which would inevitably occur.
I am sure you will correct me if I have misunderstood.
I hope you will be able to answer all the things I’ve asked here.
Thanks in advance.
1. Yes it is disappointment/annoyance as opposed to any feeling of regret.
2. Correct.
3. Because originally one expected more from them – but they failed me. As they always do.
Many thanks HG.
Always so interesting to ponder it all and fit the pieces and the mindset together… or at least attempt to.. to learn to understand as best I can.
My confusion steams from the fact you have become exactly like the one person you hate the most. You see how destructive it was to you. Why would you turn around and emulate it?
Why not? It works for me.
What has been the longest length of time one has gone before failing you?
What is the ‘one’ you are referring to?
Person, romantic relationship
HG,
Re: the end of your reply comment to NA (above):
“You are confusing the applicability of logic to empathic victims with applying it to me. I am a completely different beast altogether and those considerations are not applicable to me. It is erroneous and dangerous to compare the situation for an empathic victims with the situation for me, as an ultra-aware narcissistic psychopath.”
Lighting bolt, to ME.
What kind of empath thinks/feels they are completely safe in trying to get an Upper Echelon Narcissist (still showing signs of infatuation/obsession) into therapy?
Me – that’s who. For the first time, I’m a little scared.
I needed that. Time to re-think some things. Thank you.
P.S. NA: Everything you said, above, was everything I had thought too.
Strange to read this tonight after finding myself your defender in a Facebook group whose admins voted to ban you and Sam Vaknin (who I don’t know and didn’t defend.) It was quite the brouhaha, and rather enraging. I have no doubt I’ll be tossed out by tomorrow, but it just made me so angry as those who admitted to not even knowing anything about you or your work popped in with derogatory comments. But all the while I was aware of feeling a bit weird defending you. Might someone else call your lieutenants enablers?
Thank you for defending me. Doubtless a place operated either by thick, misguided idiots (who might at least engage with my work before reaching a verdict) or operated by narcissists a la Support Forum Frauds. No points telling them of course because they cannot see it.
Lots of your writings have been both eye opening and terrifying. I switch from warm feeling and admiration to total disgust and dismay. That’s the point though I suppose.
You’re welcome, anytime.
I am thankful that your heart and shoulders are strong enough to carry your burden.
Masterfully written HG.
The Narcissist’s Crown done of Lies?
“Heavy Lies- the crown that sits atop my head”
P.S.
This text make me think of Muscat (Oman)
Dear Mr Tudor,
Before your blog …. did you “write” in other capacities ?
You certainly are naturally gifted and I too was very transfixed back (along with Presque Vu) into the castle of King Edward (Longshanks) from Braveheart
I feel I can relate … in as much … we also carry heavy burdens ….the difference being …. our emotional thinking
Thank you for this lovely piece of writing, it was a pleasure to read
Luv Bubbles 😘
I have done some other writing previously, yes, for myself and for others in a limited capacity i.e. not widely published.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thank you for replying
Apart from “narcissism” books..will you expand into other genres of writing?
I can envisage quite a list of category’s which would appeal to your captivated readers … under a different name again I would gather and become another type of JK Rowling … rich, famous and have a bigger legacy …..the “word” is certainly your oyster
Kindly
Bubbles xx 😘
Yes, I intend to expand into other genres, as ever time is the issue.
I will never forget when he solemnly said ” I trust you. You are equal to me. We both can rule over all others.” That was the point, when I saw, that his narcissism is partly dominated by mental illness too. He was so proud at that moment and I was completely shocked. Although I see it as a huge compliment from his narcissistic view (he wanted to share his thrown!!!!),
I never wanted to be a queen of darkness and mental illness.
This was the second time he said something like that, but at the first time I misunderstood it as a bad joke.
But, what if she dies, first?
If who dies first?
I always wondered about that Henry the Fourth quote. If wearing the crown with all the responsibilities it entails feels uneasy/heavy, take it off. But of course, you must be willing to.
It’s all legal for my husband to do here. There is no such thing as a women’s shelter. Legally, the children and I are his property. I am a resource and so are they.
HG speaks the truth. I don’t know or care why. I don’t like the callous way he lives, but I am truly grateful for one narc in the world to acknowledge reality. He gave me mental freedom.
I will continue to speak my truth and I want HG to continue to speak his.
Leslie, I am very sorry for the situation you are in! It is hard enough to to be looked upon as someone’s property in there eyes! I can not imagine what it must be like to be seen as someone’s property in the Country that you live in! To be pushed around and belittled in front others who will not say anything because they are afraid of the fury being unleashed on them is nothing in comparison to having others watch and say nothing because that is there way of life also is absolutely horrid! Please continue to write about your truth. Perhaps more people will understand what they or others are truly dealing with! Thank you for sharing your truths. 🤗😘
Leslie, apologize for the typos and missed words in my last reply. When I find a comment as moving as yours I do not look at what I’m writing. I just feel it and write from my heart. 🌷
Leslie,
“It’s all legal for my husband to do here. There is no such thing as a women’s shelter. Legally, the children and I are his property. I am a resource and so are they.”
It sounds as though you live in a situation where your safety is very tenuous and there are very few options for you and your children.
Many of the readers here, regardless of the reasons why they stay in abuse situations, do have the choice to make use of social resources such as shelters and support for domestic abuse. I cannot fathom being in such a situation and not at least having that option (even if it is a last resort.)
“HG speaks the truth. I don’t know or care why. I don’t like the callous way he lives, but I am truly grateful for one narc in the world to acknowledge reality. He gave me mental freedom.”
I hope this “mental freedom” that you’ve found here – that many of us have – leads you to a place of empowerment and eventual safety.
Leslie, is there a way for you to leave your country? From the poem that you shared I’m making a guess that you’re in Japan. I’m crying for you. I know how horrible and it can be over there for women with abusive husbands. It’s a very different society from us. I hope and pray that you can find a way to escape.
Mommypino. Google the complete sentence and add ‘translate’. Google gives: Hausa. I read Hausa and Igbo (Nigerian languages) have a lot of similarities with Japanese.
That doesn’t mean Leslie couldn’t be in Japan, but they certainly have women shelters in Japan.
And I just checked.. in Nigeria there are some as well. Leslie should google and contact them.. that is if she is in Nigeria. If she can reply to this weblog with her secret phone, she must be able to contact a women shelter as well I guess.
Heavier still lies another chain. One that is wrapped around the leg of that throne and tethered to your mother. Your throne sits in her larger shadow, and no amount of your supposed power or offered up slaughtered souls that have only tried to bring you comfort has been able to unseat her. That is where the real power lies still. You must face that power to be considered to have any yourself. She has the same power over you that you believe you have over your victims. None. Only that which you and we allow.
Nonsense, she has no power over me now and has not for some considerable time and her fall will come.
Actually NA has more than a valid point, your mother is the one keeping you in jail.
Which jail is that then? I do as I please, whenever I please and howsoever I choose.
The only chain I see you have chained yourself to is your need for Fuel, not your mother.
You know because of your awareness and because of logic that that is the narcissism speaking. She had enough control over you that you were forced into therapy and it has resulted in this blog (although she is not responsible for the huge success of it), she holds your thoughts in the plans and manipulations you have in store for her eventual downfall and exposure despite the fact that you advise revenge is useless. You still have contact (albeit limited) with her despite advising no contact. You say this contact is necessary to your Grand Design, but if we were to maintain that about our decisions to stay with a narcissist you would offer that we were being controlled by emotional thinking. You are beholden to her to ensure your inheritance. You are big on logic. Logic dictates that is not you having power, but your limited and negative emotional thinking allowing that it is in order to remain in control.
1. I entered into therapy to serve my own agenda.
2. She does not hold my thoughts, she is a cog in the Grand Design which will bring down the whole edifice on all of them.
3. Revenge for empaths is not useless, but it is something which must be undertaken only after extensive and total no contact and even then it is not for everyone. I am not an empath, therefore the considerations concerning revenge do not apply to me.
4. No contact is necessary for empathic individuals, it is not necessary for me. I find her attempts to manipulate me transparent, risible and pathetic. Empathic victims MUST impose no contact for a variety of reasons – you are not able to handle contact with a narcissist and it is not in your best interests. I can handle the contact, indeed it proves advantageous to me.
5. I am not beholden to her to secure my inheritance.
6. The benefit of the Grand Design utterly outweighs the negligible downside of limited contact with her. I can handle such contact because of what I am, empathic individuals contact, hence you must impose no contact.
You are confusing the applicablity of logic to empathic victims with applying it to me. I am a completely different beast altogether and those considerations are not applicable to me. It is erroneous and dangerous to compare the situation for an empathic victims with the situation for me, as an ultra-aware narcissistic psychopath.
HG
1. I have understood from reading that you entered (were forced?) into therapy by your family (at the very least your mother and your uncle) to ensure your inheritance and to avoid certain charges/allegations that you have expressed are false. You may have agreed and therefore can say “entered into therapy to serve my own agenda”, but it was not something you sought for yourself or would have done otherwise.
2. Your mother is a driving force behind the Grand Design and therefore does hold your thoughts as long you still have plans to effect it. It wouldn’t be much of a “Grand” design without much plotting and preparation driven by revenge, and she is one of the targets of your revenge. I understand the revenge and have no issue with your plan, but to say she (they) do not hold your thoughts does not seem reasonable or accurate.
3. Point taken. I was looking at it as she being a narcissist, but she has no awareness and you are not affected in the same way an empath would be.
4. Point taken. Again, I wondered what would be the purpose of contact with her when you can easily disengage/dispose so easily of others, but I accept it may be necessary (to your mind) if there is an element of surprise in your Grand Design.
5. Back to number 1. I understood it to be a condition to secure your inheritance that you attend therapy.
6. I understand as it relates to 3 and 4, and absolutely agree that empaths MUST impose no contact because they are not equipped with the same constitution.
7. Logic is logic. I understand your perspective that it does not apply to you because you are equipped differently, but I remain unconvinced that that is not the narcissism allowing you an out. It is my view that you recognized her power and adopted her methods to the detriment of others because you were never been able to face her, and that remains unchanged. You are aware, so you could apply logic by facing her, cutting all contact with her (and the others), and walking away, but your desire for revenge and adherence to your plans for the Grand Design keeps them in your thoughts, drives your behaviour, and overshadows the brilliance you otherwise demonstrate. Your legacy is tainted by it.
You have expressed previously that you are also here to learn (although you did not state with regard to what), and that you enjoy discussion and other points of view. My comments were not intended to provoke you, but rather to give some observations and thought from elsewhere on the spectrum, aside from my obvious admiration and gratitude for your work. I understand that more will become clear as additional materials and books are made available and I look forward to them. Until then, this allowing of my thoughts, and a glimpse into yours with your patient responses has helped me to understand and has me remaining with great interest. Thank you. I appreciate you.
NA
1. I was not forced into therapy. I was offered a choice. I made a choice which I also made because it served my agenda (something she did not and does not know).
2. She does not hold my thoughts. I make the decisions. She (and others) are the subjects of the GD but they do not hold my thoughts, I am free to think as I do.
3. Noted.
4. You will see.
5. See 1.
6. Noted.
7. I became what I am, in part because of her. I was a child and no option to go no contact (assuming I even knew what that was back then) I could not face her back then and win, but I can now. There is no need for no contact because I am not empathic.
I do not regard your comments as provocative, purely stimulating discussion which as you know, I always encourage and therefore I have enjoyed the exchange. You also do not have (as you acknowledge) the full picture and when that does become available to you and all the readers (as it will in due course) it will also make more ‘sense’ to you all.
HG
Thank you for the discussion. It was of benefit to me and I enjoyed it as well.
I picture the Grand Design as the Grand Master’s Opus Magnum. The ultimate Machiavellian victory. All the cogs turning, the strings jerking, for years. No awareness by those that are in the game until…CHECKMATE BITCHES!
Again, I could be wrong. I just hope I’m around when it all unfolds.
I enjoyed that debate. The best I’ve read here so far. HG you have to admit your student did well.
She did, but the King remains wearing his crown.
Of course
I guess the reason why you spend Christmas with your mother is only to make sure you’ll get the inheritance. No Contact would mean no inheritance, that’s probably the only kind of power she still has, is that right HG?
I do not need to impose a no contact regime in the way that empathic individuals must do so. My attendance at Christmas is not related to the issue of inheritance, 2SF, I attend to see other family members when we gather at Taliban Headquarters.
That made me laugh 🙂
(also the fact that you very narcishly ‘get around’ what I was saying, you know what I meant… you’re so clever)
Ah, he protests. She is the queen of your unconscious, ruling your days and nights, the Jezebel of your past, present and future. You may topple the external mother but the internal one is unfortunately unconquerable.
Nonsense.
HG, I read the ‘Hiding From Yourself’ piece that is linked to this article. Although I am sure I have read it before, it did not resonate like it did with me this morning. I felt a fool a while back when I couldn’t articulate my “creature”. I put it aside and decided that I must be crazy.
Although I can’t describe it like you do, and it is a different animal for me, I feel it. I know without a doubt exactly what it is and that it IS real. Fuck no I don’t want to confront it. Fuck therapy. It will come to no good for me. Why would I ever want to peel back the layers and see THAT is all that is left? It is nothing. It has no worth. I am better off with it hidden from the light of day forever. Damn this article for making me look again. HG, I just wanted to say, I hear you and I get it.
Good.
Will your demons become less powerful when she passes away HG?
I do not have demons.
HG, I would never say anything to belittle or undermine you in anyway shape or form, I hope you know that? You write revenge is not the answer. Yes I realize with you it is different because you can seek revenge and win, however isn’t holding your inheritance over you another way of Matri Narc still having control over you? You say GOSO, wouldn’t it be better if you used what she has done to you to succeed and to show the world the truth about her and others like her? To not need or want that inheritance. To be better then her in spite of what she has done to you? Would that not give you the success and peace that you seek? You have helped so many! So many care about you and what happens to you! We would like to help you the same way you have helped us! I don’t pretend to have the answers or wisdom to do that, I am still trying to fix myself. I am just trying to help someone who has helped me. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say in this comment? I am not and never will be a great writer as yourself! I will never have the intellect or schooling as some on this blog. I just have those empathetic feelings of mine that come from the heart, which by the way you will always have special place in. 🌺
Good Lord, leave the poor woman alone. She never starved you or beat you to death. As for the forced therapy you needed it! I think she’s likely a fine narcissist!
How do you know about the former? Evidently the latter did not occur as I am here. You will change your tune when you read MatriNarc.
As an upper mid-ranger per your description of her it would not be within her dynamic to have been excessively physical/starve you, correct? I’m not saying she is all that and a bag of chips. At all. I just know other people that have lower lesser parents and they don’t harbor such a need for vengeance. They were molested, infrequently fed, dressed in dirty clothes.. My own parents were never emotionally available. My dad was sexually inappropriate although he never touched me. I don’t know what the F was wrong with them.. It’s just a waste of energy to be so driven by a need to have revenge. As a mid-ranger she is incapable of knowing she is wrong right? My asshat of a husband thinks he’s a great guy—I’ll never change that facade. If he gets hit by a truck it is a bonus but not a pursuit of mine. I still appreciate everything about your work, etc. It’s just my humble opinion.
A UMR may use physical violence but it is infrequent or they direct another (say a codependent spouse) to mete out physical punishment in order to discipline thus creating (in the mind of the narcissist) a clear gap between them and the act (He did it, not me).
Just be nice to the elderly. That’s all. She doesn’t know she’s disordered.
Spoken like an empath, Kathy0720, but remember I do as I choose, not as I am told or asked.
Well then trip her on her walker down a flight of 20 stairs.. Into an abyss of a poverty stricken nursing home..
I react negatively to comments such as Kathy’s. I can see they are people who probably did not have narcissistic parents and do not get it.
As for people who write here that HG has mummy issues because he writes about his mother’s abuse, I just think how sexist those comments are too. It is as if it is easy to shame and blame a guy for writing about it, for showing how that affected him. Mind you, I am not talking about the comments where readers encourage him to forget about his revenge.
NA, I am also not referring to your comments above.
‘Heavy lies the crown that sits atop my head as I look out upon my kingdom. Inside my gilded tower I remain, behind those fearsome double doors that are locked four times and triple-barred.’
The jail of fear to let anybody in.
The jail of ultimate control and perfectionism
The jail of terror, of losing it all
The jail of grandiosity
The jail of containing the beast
It sounds like a jail, you are descriptive in narrative as quoted above. I’ve read your words, everything is locked out. You are impenetrable. That is a jail within oneself.
I know you will correct me
I come and go as I please. I do whatever I wish to do.
The world is your playground
HG
If you come and go as you please and do as you wish to do, can we assume then that applies to your ongoing therapy? That it is no longer required of you but is your choice?
I attend when I choose because I now travel so much.
Were you in Basque country/ Spain?
No.
Okay, thank you 😘
Wise words, NarcAngel
It’s not the same. It’s like apples and oranges. That was then, this is now. The being she had control over is no more. Anything bringing her down is just punishment/revenge at this point. It isn’t about taking his power back. He did that long ago. Now, it is just keeping it in place so that nobody ever has control again.
I may be way off base, but it’s just how it looks to me on this particular day.
NarcAngel, a beautiful comment.
Dear NarcAngel,
Great comment … . that’s the impression I thought Mr Tudor was portraying as well … guess we got it totally wrong
In all the movies I’ve seen … the kings mother is always telling them what to do ..haha
My first quick glance at the piccie … I thought it was mans first prototype of a chastity belt ….🤣 (Reminder tip to Bubbles …. must wear glasses 🤓)
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
This reminds me of Longshanks, you are him I swear. Well in the article at least. But inside William Wallace? You amass your audience and followers through popularity and fighting the same cause together. I see you.
Of course, I regularly defenestrate my son’s gay lovers!
That didn’t happen in reality, only in the film. Don’t slag off Braveheart ’tis my favourite film.
I can and will, it is so detached from the reality as to be an insult.
I’ve often wondered if you are Scottish! 🤔
I take it you have listened to me speaking BU123?
Yes, I have…I know you do not have a regional accent…its a number of things..how you say certain words…and some of the things you’ve written about..I don’t know, just a “feeling”. You can be Scottish, but educated in England, and that’s what I eventually decided upon for my fantasy back story for you. Its all a bit Skyfall 😂 I know you can’t admit either way, but there’s my explanation.
Thank you for expanding, now where’s ma kilt, och aye!?
Lol!!! Don’t go there….it will start the inevitable “what’s under there” conversation!!!
Fair point, Kilts, Woad, Princess he never met, and he wasn’t a pauper.
I know not much else.
I’m not a Historian, are you? 😉
‘Ye kin take ma life but ye cannae take ma freedom’
Scottish v’s English we will always be victorious otherwise you would have won our lands. They are making a new Mary Queen of Scots film, did you know?
HG
Beautifully written.
Evoking.
Thank you.
Your welcome HG.
Sometimes I wish your writings didn’t stir images of things I am trying to forget.
Beautifully written. It is very enlightening how well you describe your role in this world from your perspective.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
I do not like you anymore Mr Tudor. Too dark sir, too dark.
I stand so silent, his knife pressed against my throat, his hands knotted in my hair. The bruises throb and i wonder if this time he will truly finish the job. I wonder what will happen to my children.
I become zero. I’m really good at being zero. No tears, no anger, no pain, no joy. He hates zero but it’s how i survive.
He explains in intense detail what a piece of worthless shit i am. The knife isn’t cutting deeper. Maybe i will live to have to do the laundry. His brothers and family ignore everything.
He finally throws me down, kicking me viciously. My kidneys scream in pain but i stay silent. The jagged glass of his words cut deep where the knife couldn’t reach.
He tires of the exercise beating and belittling me and goes for cigarettes. I crawl to the bed. I allow myself the luxury of some tears. I think of the words in a poem he wrote, ase haghost ghan niyaw nuku tsur, dagashiya oon, nespalu akher. I looked in the meadow of my heart and i could not find myself but I found you.
Leslie, so true. They all hate zero! I have been zero also so many times. No sign of emotion, no tears, no words, nothing. 🌷😪
Wow…😔
Hello Leslie,
Your post left me speechless. Freeze is your survival strategy. He is repulsive and despicable. You must be very strong to survive such a brutal treatment. It seems to be worse than what many prisoners subjected to bestial treatment go through. Is there any women’s shelter in your area where you and your children can find protection?
Wow Leslie.What a worthless piece of shit HE is. Run. Run for your and your children’s lives.
Leslie, is there no possibility to flee to another country? Maybe, you can plan it and if it takes years. As far as I see, you seem to be a very well educated woman and your husband seems to be someone with a lot of power.
Is there no one else, who has power and who could protect you?
I understand, that you are in a very bad and powerless situation, but – please – never give up.
You know who you are. Please do not forget that. Do not let him break you and your soul.
And if you have to freeze for all your life, then freeze, when he is near to you. I hope, he finds another play toy and you are put on a shelf.
I know- you know better, how to survive in that environment.
I am with you – in my thoughts.
Leslie, it is so unfair that you were born in a place that condones such treatment. I pray for the safety of you and your children.
Leslie, My heart breaks for you. I hope you find safety and sanctuary very, very soon. By the way, there is no meadow, or any trace of you in his heart. His heart is just a biological appliance that keeps him alive. You and your children will never enter there.
Leslie, I have no words. My utmost respect to you for surviving.
❤️
Leslie, if he would google his own poem now, or at least that sentence (is what I did), he’ll find this weblog with your comment. You said you had a secret phone and if that is the case you better watch what you write as well. Perhaps HG can remove the comment (if you’d wish).
Leslie, I see that your language is spoken by Hausa people, most living in Nigeria or some other African countries. Since you are well educated, I guess you live in a town. Are you from Daura? I think I was right guessing you are in a Muslim family? Please stay safe Leslie, I hope you will find a way out of this life-threatening situation.
I can’t stop thinking about Leslie and her children. You’re right, the words are Arabic. I thought they were Japanese. And I also think it’s safest to remove her comment with the poem if she wants. HG has removed one comment of mine before after I asked him.
I noticed Leslie spoke Russian today. She doesn’t seem to worry about that comment. She never answers to commenters either, so I guess Leslie prefers to be a bit mysterious.
I agree 2SF. I think it’s a smart strategy to stay mysterious especially since she mentioned that her husband is powerful. The different languages would be agood way to throw people that were monitoring her off. I’m happy that she found this blog to draw strength and knowledge to fight her battle. She has all of us here for support. 💕
Leslie, I can’t stop thinking about you. I know we are far from you and the cultural systems are different and the support against gender-based violence may be non-existent in your city, but there must be a way. What can we do to assist? I can’t stand quiet while a sister is being subjected to this torture. I am so so sorry and I so wish I could fly you and your children away from there 💔
Leslie, that left me horrified. Is this your life? Where are you and can we help you and your children escape?
Hi Leslie,
I know you can read the comments, so I’m offering my thoughts.
Have you considered starting your own blog? You could do it completely anonymous, apart from here.
It sounds as if ‘help’ may be limited. This could be therapeutic, in the least. Something to think about.
Always remember..
You survived another day xx
As I read this I wept