Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery
This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.
This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.
The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.
Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.
It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.
It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.
Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.
Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.
That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.
My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.
You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-
“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”
“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”
“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”
“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”
But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.
You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?
You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?
You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.
You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.
Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.
It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.
Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.
I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.
Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.
Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.
There is just nothing there.
Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.
45 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”
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This moment, miserable because of attachment, and because of the damnable hardwired need for attachment that exists in most humans, and particularly in me it seems, I must say you are correct Sir. You have a gift and an advantage. For once, I envy you.
According to attachment theory, when a baby interacts with its primary caregiver, it seeks attunement through appropriate responses to its nonverbal communication to obtain love and care. When attunement is either absent (as would be the case with a Matrinarc) or inconsistent (for a variety of reasons), the child experiences pain and fear. This affects the child’s attachment style (or lack thereof) and the child develops psychological defenses to adapt to its environment. There are numerous studies that demonstrate how strong the human and primate need for love is over food and other needs during this critical development period.
In your case, given the family history you have described, it is no wonder you experienced pain and developed strong defenses–and as an adult see no logical, useful purpose for any attachment to others. Further, the narcissistic need for control preempts attachment as it requires vulnerability.
It is not so much that you cannot experience attachment or love, but to do so would require vulnerability and trust (two things that proved very unreliable for you) and would trigger significant fears and challenge your defenses. Hence your very heartbreaking statement, “I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.” But the creature is so very wrong. You are good (well beyond your intellect, appearance and works) and were always worthy of unconditional love.
Thank you for sharing your observations, GB.
I’m deeply grateful for all you do here. You deserve to know your feared creature (created from pain to protect against further pain) is loved even if it changes nothing. If I had any clue how to heal that depth of pain I would surly share it. And it’s encouraging you are attempting to alter your methods to see if you can meet your needs with less fallout. Please do keep us all posted on what you experience with this effort. Thank you.
You are welcome.
No, he literally can’t. His brain wired itself during these experiences in response to his environment, and he can not form attachment. The neural pathways aren’t there and his amygdala is stunted and his reward circuitry is different than normal peoples’. There is no rehabilitation for these people. They will be predators til they expire.
I wonder what HG thinks of this comment.
It accords with what I have consistently explained.
Thought so.
Attachment can be painful but the ability to attach is a healthy quality if its a nondysfunctional attachment. Healthy love is being able to let go. Codependancy is attaching and not out of love but a need.
I think narcissists had their most vital attachments severed early in life with a parent/s and they are the most extreme emotional compartmentalists. They are able to subconsciously shove that away as a defense mechanism for survival to the point they can no longer tap into that humam quality nor do they want to.
Borderlines i think are a mix of this. They have fear of abandonment(as do narcs) but they overdo it trying to please and attach only to push away and compartmentalize the feelings out of fear. Its ironic theyre afraid of abandonment so they themselves try severing attachments formed as a defense mechanism.
Then theres empaths and we have a hard time not forming attachments and have to learn the skill of letting go of ones that are not good for us. Yes its painful but guess what life is painful. Once you come into this world you will experience painful moments does that mean you compartmentalize to avoid them? No thats stunting emotional growth. Do you stay in a bad attachment out of fear of pain? No you face the fear and the pain and grow from it.
An analogy but if every woman feared the pain of childbirth wed be in trouble as a human race. Thats physical pain but the same goes for emotional to grow you must feel and sometimes you feel pain and that can come from attachments but thats life. Its unhealthy to put yourself in a compartmentalization bubble to avoid the pain life can bring.
This is true. My attachments do indeed cause the most pain. In fact it is the attachments or fact of being attached to something that causes all the strife in life. “Joy and sorrow are inseperable..” As Kahlil Gibran said in his book ‘The Prophet ‘ ” when you are sorrowful look again into your heart, you will see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight” oh to be detached and carefree..
Oh you are 100% correct attachment more than not leads to pain rejectionI put you in a situation where your Venerable to hurt And yes I guess you’re being spared from that but you’re denying yourself something so much better but I guess in your case ignorance is bliss
What I find interesting is that non-attachment is something people attempt or succeed to achieve by meditation. Behind it there is, of course, not the desire to become a narcissist but rather the idea that you rid yourself of the need to control your environment, of all kinds of expectations, of confusing your idea of the world with the actual world. Negative emotions will not longer grind you down because nothing forces you to accept them as part of yourself. (Maybe people who are more familiar with meditation than I am would find better fitting words to explain it.)
My ex-narcissist once told me that meditation would make him so relaxed. It sounded like bullshit, I think his train of thought was as follows:
She is probably into meditation, therefore I will tell her that I meditate regularly, she will approve of that, and as a consequence she will like me even more.
I’d say that narcissists do not really meditate but that they may well pretend to do it.
HG, do you have an opinion or any insight about narcissists and meditation?
Kind regards
DF
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ha ha
… Shanti Shanti Shanti
He likes a nice chianti,
But he doesn’t like his auntie,
And sometimes he drinks brandy,
But then that makes him randy,
So he has to use his handy.
Ahhh fank yooo!
Dear HG
This gem of contemporary poetry of yours sounds somewhat tipsy.
But you said you need to be in control at all times. How does that go together?
In German, “handy” means “cellphone”.
:-))
‘He likes a nice chianti,
But he doesn’t like his auntie,
And sometimes he drinks brandy,
But then that makes him randy,
So he has to use his handy.
Ahhh fank yooo!’
Scottish?
I hear it as Scottish in my head 😆
DF,
I think of attachment and addiction in this vein. Addiction is unhealthy attachment. It has to do with the need to control reality more than contribute to. I see it as related to relationships, money, drugs, shallow values, jealousy, consumerism, vanity.
I don’t know a lot about it, it’s only some concepts that became connected to me. Ego is part of our anchor to this reality and detaching or letting go is scary. In this way I believe most people are unconscious addicts.
I have my vices, but am trying to learn to navigate them and at least balance them with awareness.
Just wanted to say I liked your train of thought.
The only time attachment brought me misery and pain was when I had a relationship with the narc I knew, because I realized what emptiness means. The rest of my relationships have always left me with lots of good feelings, knowledge, experience and much more, even the painful ones.
What a waste of energy to go thinking all the time on how to attach people to ones life in the terms described in the article. It is interesting that you, Mr. Tudor, see things the other way around! I told the narc in my life once I only needed to feel secure and loved in the relationship. His face was one of total perplexity and his answer was “O.K., fine but how do I do that?” For me that answer was yet another sign that I was dealing with a different kind of human. He wasn’t evil, he just didn’t know what I was talking about.
I recently notice that it has been almost 3 months of NC with him but it feels like years have gone by. Is there someone else experiencing this?
Dude I’m with you on this one
And you’re right about kids- I’m super empathically intertwined and now that they’re older unattaching in a healthy way so they can live their own lives without me internally suffering at every little pain of life they have, is something I’m learning — and I’m not keen to feel strong attachment like that again for ANYbody. Friggin’ exhausting.
Hi HG,
This article is very thought-provoking.
Do you think that people who date someone who they deem beneath themselves have low self-esteem? Or are they only wanting to date someone who they have no respect for, so that they do not form an attachment?
Do you think it is a conscious choice to date someone that a Narcissist deems beneath him or herself?
Do Narcissists avoid being with someone who they respect and admire, if so, is this just to always remain superior?
Or is it that the Narcissist respects and admires no one but him or herself and everyone is deemed beneath him or her?
Have you ever dated someone who you respect and admire?
Thank you for answering!
1. No.
2. No.
3. No.
4. No.
5. That depends on whether that person is viewed black or white.
Hi HG,
Thank you for your reply!
A light bulb may have gone on in my head as far as all of those confusing (to me) questions (a Traumatic Brain Injury causes some delays in some thought processes). One more question, please.
Is this the whole point of engaging with people for the Narcissist – “This person going to do ______ for me” ?
Thank you for clarifying further..
Essentially, yes.
I loved this article.
HG? Because if I’m empathetic I think the same as you? Since I remember I have had problems with attachment, I see how others do it … I have experienced it, but what kind of empathy am I? I apparently am and I feel normal but the reality is that most of the time I’m just using my head not emotions.
That is a matter for detailed discussion through a consultation.
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
Well, what’s wrong with you, Tudor? I see it serious, you say you do not know?
Have you tried hard ?
I think not, because you do not spend energy so. What have you tried?
To the easy and to the usual, so that more…
But I do, I understand, being united to someone can cause pain and suffering but that’s life. From what I see, you don’t live life, you survive in the life that is something else. And that is regrettable, but very regrettable. We have suffered because we have truly loved our chimeras, our reflections, our vain illusions.
But you don’t even know how to do that. Now I see why and how easily you do what you do. The discard and leave on the shelf.
If there is no link you can say more, if you do not feel or suffer that you can offer. If I could use you as objects, I would use you as absolute vacuum machines, to preserve food.
But do not forget Tudor that your greatest fear is oblivion.
And this is just as easy for the empathic to do. You know this happens when the empath devalues his narcissist, and I can tell you that. When you see that you have deified someone who is the narcissist and you return to reality, they are as easy as for the narcissist. You just have to understand everything you say, and realize that it was all a chimera.
And that’s why the narcissist only wants and intends to link you to him, so that you don’t forget him and he can continue surviving…
The difference between you and us is that we live and you survive and that’s why you envy us, hate us, because you will never be like us.
And I understand you, being like that is a fucking thing. I don’t even want to imagine it.
Tudor spoke in the first person, but it is nothing that I have against you personally, I simply write and this comes out, do not take it as a personal attack.
There is nothing wrong with me JG, I function brilliantly, but I know that others consider some of what I do to be wrong and thus state that there is something wrong with me.
You say you work brilliantly. But all of you are limitations.
You don’t love
You don’t feel happiness
You don’t feel happy.
You don’t feel joy.
You don’t feel compassion.
You don’t feel empathy.
Do not feel pain.
You don’t feel anything.
You have no character of your own you steal these to adorn yourself and have something more to offer.
24 h Thinking about fuel.
24 h triangulating with people you don’t really want.
You don’t enjoy sex I’ve read the book and that’s not enjoy, that’s dirty. hahahaha.
Well I lie–
jealousy, send, domination, power, gone into a lie with the fear that it will not be discovered, because if this lie is discovered there is collapse and inevitably oblivion.
I think you work wonderfully well as a narcissist. If perfectly I have nothing to object to. But as a normal person you are a pure disaster, forgive me if I say so.
But here everything has to be said, who is normal you, me, the others.
In this world from what I see we are all crazy and we don’t even know… jajajajajja.
HG
Don’t take this the wrong way. I am not trying to be hurtful here just realistic and factual. I’m grateful for all you have taught me. The reality is that there is in fact something wrong with you. I do not say that with any sort of judgement. It is not a matter of perspective yours or mine. It Is a matter of science. You have a disorder that is not normal amongst human beings. You developed it through a genetic predisposition and an abusive mother. I understand far more about perspective now and how you see things and I have you to thank for that, but perspective doesn’t not change the clinical facts that you have a disorder that keeps you from experiencing life as most humans do. I do see how it seems normal to you but that doesn’t change that if isn’t
“I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support.” This was without a doubt my online narc. The first time we sexted, he REQUESTED that I tell him I love him. Shortly after, I said “not many guys would request to hear that.” (They wouldn’t because sexting is cheap and fun, not romantic.) He commented “Was that a bad thing? I like to hear it and I don’t mind you getting emotionally attached.” That was definite manufactured intimacy.
Hi Mary,
Your online narc requesting that you say you “love him” during sexting is, to me, the same as requesting that you say something dirty to him. It is only about power, not about sex or initimacy. And his statement “I like to hear it and I don’t mind you getting emotionally attached” reveals the awareness (at some level) that empaths attach sex and love. Too bad he is not smart enough to realize that demanding a canned response not only *DOESN’T* generate real feelings on your part but in fact makes you think ‘that was a little odd’.
To me that would have set off feelings of wariness – being asked to say something dirty would have been a better cover!
WhoCares,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You are right on point that this was about control.
As ridiculous as this is going to sound though, even with the awareness of what he said being unusual, I wanted to think he was one of the rare guys who attach emotions and love with sex. But apparently, he said it KNOWING I would make that connection in my mind. I was projecting my own feelings of love/sex onto him, because he appeared to understand the language at times during our entanglement.
Mary,
It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all to those of us who have been through it.
I could make a list, I’m sure, of all the little odd things my narc did – only in my case I attributed many of those things to cultural differences. And in hindsight, they definitely were red flags.
And re: projecting your own feelings of love/sex onto him…yes, narcissists aren’t the only ones project.
*who project
The creature had all of that and can keep it. HG is the creature you, before you became what you are now? Is the creature the one that is that sweet beautiful boy with feelings, emotions, and love? The creature is not bad! You keep it at bay because you do not want those feelings and emotions to come back to you! You do not want to feel that hurt and rejection again. Is this true?
It is true isn’t it! How many times have I read this and did not see it! Oh HG. At this time I have no words. 😪
The book will explain.
If so, the rise of The Creature would likely drive him mad. I mean, for the abuse to have been so significant to bury the pain as a creature- it sudden breaking into conscious awareness would likely be more than any psyche could take .
W, other people faced their own creature too and they survived it.
It is not acceptable, that there are other rules for him.
And, a lot of people face their creature each day, when they get into close contact with a narc.
Mona
Who are you to judge?
Rules are made up, like rights.
Anyhow, my narcs – (and then the last year studying not only HG but everything I could get my hands on re narcissism and sociopathy) opened my eyes to sooooo much that is happening around us all that the majority of ppl are totally asleep to. His worldview just “clicked in” – intellectually enough to be able to percoeve, if I want, as close to how HG and other narcs do as an empath can .Once seen it can’t be unseen – and it’s brilliant!
Im now of the potential theory that the narcs and sociopaths serve a vital function in this world – one that actually elevates us empaths and helps us EVOLVE .
So what if he won’t face his creature? Who’s to say his creature surfacing WOULDNT drive him mad and into the depths of hell? There really is only so much a human psyche can withstand.
I dare say any empath’s creature ‘tis but an ugly muppet compared to his.