How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)
There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?
- It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
- We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
- We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
- We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
- Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
- The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
- Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
- We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
- We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
- There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.
Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.
- Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
- The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
- We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
- Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
- The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
- Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
- The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
- Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
- You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
- It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.
It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.
The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.
34 thoughts on “How We Get Away With It (And What You Can Do About It)”
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Thanks HG this article really helps me understand what I should do with my narcissist😍😍
I have been thinking about this most of the night. With Valentines Day being this week, it would the perfect opportunity.
Where can I read about revenge?
The book of the same name. Feel free to read Butterfly but in order to assist you, you can read and learn but it is too early for you to apply its principles.
Thank you H.G.! I’m just curious…how do you know it’s too early? Which will be the right moment?
Your emotional thinking is too high. Do understand that is not a criticism, it is a fact and a common one. Revenge is not for everybody and can only be done effectively following a sustained period of total no contact so the ET is at a very low level.
Thank you for answering…I don’t agree, but thanks anyway.
HG if you can be around an ex for an extended period of time without emotion, do you think that person is then ready to execute her plan of revenge?
Define extended period of time.
Working side by side for a few weeks? With months to go.
How long has the prior no contact been in place and was it total?
It has been years HG. Although I had just recently seen him at a mutual friends funeral.
The total absence of engagement with the narcissist will mean your ET will have been low. How often and for how long have you now been interacting with the narcissist and how does this interaction manifest?
For over a week now. The interaction is at work, which is where it all started in the first place.
If you apply the principles of revenge now and do so as explained the book of the same name you may be able to do so whilst your ET remains below the danger threshold. However, since you are clearly having some physical proximate interaction with the narcissist, your ET is rising and this may well result in your not applying a revenge campaign in the correct manner. I would suggest you are on the cusp at present.
HG, I really believe I can do this. I was waiting for some other information that might of helped me a little more, but even without that information I believe I will be ok. I will however reread revenge just to make sure. Plan, prepare, execute! Thank you!
Yes it was total. At first he tried a few Hoover attempts, I didn’t fall into them. I had found you and your work soon ( within weeks) after the disengagement.
HG I feel I can do this! I don’t want to miss this opportunity, I may not get another. Its time for me to do this.
Good luck, foolmetime! I hope we hear good news from you.
This is one of, if not my favorite article on this blog.. Every point is hit as far as explaining why it appears the narcissist gets away with it, and exactly how we can reconcile those reasons in our minds and in our actions/reactions.. This is so relevant in my life now, in my current state.. He has completely gotten off scott-free, it seems, living life as if he’s not a parent and that he does not have a child on the way.. No one knows about my pregnancy and he has forbidden me to contact his family members ever again, so I cannot tell them.. But why would I want to? Number 6 discusses this perfectly.. And I now realize his life is just an appearance and every time he tries to hoover, this is reinforced for me.. I do absolutely nothing to present in a sphere of influence: I have a social media blackout; we don’t just happen to see each other in town; I don’t talk to any mutual people we know; I don’t contact him.. Absolutely nothing.. However, he has contacted me recently, probably because I entered the sixth sphere of influence.. If life was really all that great for him in his new life, why would he still reach out to me? If he was getting all that he needed from all of his many sources, I wouldn’t be a factor in this.. But he’s not and he never will be fulfilled.. That is comforting to know and to apply to my life, each and every day..
Thank you Bekah.
Absolutely..
Hello Bekah,
I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with your pregnancy alone. It must be hard. I hope you have good friends or family to support you when your baby is born.
You do not need your ex’s family. It is highly likely they are dysfunctional and abusive, just like him.
His life is not as great as he wants you to believe.
Wishing you all the best, EB
Thank you, EB.. I appreciate your kind words.. And you’re right, I definitely do not need his family that consists of a Matrinarc and two older brothers, one of which is a bully, physically, to women..
I pray that I will have support when my baby is born..
Bekah B,
Exactly, you do not need them at all. Pregnancy can make you look vulnerable to narcissists like his Matrinarc and bully brother. This is not what you are but how narcissists perceive others. They would take advantage of you and could make you emotionally, psychologically and physically sick. Protecting yourself by staying away and not letting them come near you, even after your baby is born is the best you can do.
I have heard about local support groups for single parents/mothers who are alone. Sometimes they are safer than friends and family passing information about you behind your back. Maybe other readers have some good advice for you.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
This is an appearance. Again it is another illusion, for they are the masters in the game of mirrors.
Here the one who laughs first does not win and these are always the narcissists.
Here the winner is always the one who laughs last… As the saying goes.
Although this may seem contradictory to the naked eye.
And obviously in the end the winner of all this, is always and will be the victim.
Lately this happens to me a lot. I laugh very often, at myself, at my narcissist, at the time I spent torturing him, at the circumstances and the manipulations, at my absurd suffering for something unreal etc…
The sense of humor from the understanding and acceptance of the subject is really healing. Then you laugh, because you definitively heal your wounds, you stop clinging and you see that the narcissistic problem is not your problem. By understanding the narcissistic theme, you finally devalue your narcissist and there’s not much left of him.
Every time I read and learn something new that I can apply or see myself reflected in my life with the narcissist, it brings me a smile and a laugh as I come to understand the behavior and reasoning of the narcissist and how skillfully he manipulated.
The victim always wins because it is left or discarded by the narcissist. And it can learn, heal its wounds, remake its life.
On the contrary the narcissist is always condemned to repeat and repeat the process to be able to survive, working constantly, insatiably and without rest his shekel the seduction, devaluation and the discard again and again, in his shekel without end. Some will be intelligent enough as H.G. Tudor to continue to find fuel. On the other hand, they will end up in alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide, in the most absolute solitude as H.G.’s uncle. A sad end for a star in decline. And this is his end and his condemnation.
We win again, because we simply must learn from the lived experience, understand it and accept it and you discover that there was never really anything, it was just smoke in your life. And with compression, we open the windows of our lives and the narcissistic smoke disappears. It’s time to ventilate our lives… And this can only be done by learning and reading H.G.Tudor, thank you for everything.
But you lose …
It seems that at the end of all the video game machine sends you the message the correct answer of the narcissistic game with its machines.
By the way H.G.Tudor with this comment
I feel like an Arcade machine of Capcom or ATARI, I remember the game Street Fighter 1987 and its legends…
You lose.
Play again.
Joanne, I love your comment.
Well, I used to think I was better off than him. That he was a miserable, empty shell. But now I think – he’s never known any other way. And this works for him, it works well. So while I sit here and waste time feeling sad and confused and all messed up, having lost sleep and looking like I’ve aged 10 years in five months, he’s just off living life without skipping a beat and on to the next one and the next 😠
I need your opinion Mr Tudor. I just finished sitting target and it has me thinking. There has been a white,sporty looking Mercedes parked outside my job alot lately. Employees are not permitted to park store front. I swear I saw a similar car drive past my street the other day. Then day before yesterday a guy comes in saying he is the new security manager and just wanted to introduce himself and see how we were doing. But he only introduced himself to me and asked me personal questions. The other night my boss said to me as she was leaving to be careful walking out that night cause some weird guy in a white car is parked out front looking into the window. We have a new owner of the mall. I have only met him once when he was considering buying the mall. Could It be a possible targeting or just paranoia ?
This may well be targeting, exercise vigilance but do not operate from a place of fear as fear is counter-productive.
Sometimes I feel like in point #1, narcs do this because they have to. I do not, so that makes me the winner. But then again, this is who he is, who he’s always been. He knows no other way of being, so to him, he’s winning. After all, who doesn’t love to be in control all the time? Calling all the shots in the relationship. Who doesn’t love the honeymoon phase? Imagine just getting to recreate this every time you get bored. Sometimes, that doesn’t sound like too bad of an arrangement 😠
I needed this. Thank you Mr Tudor 💋
You are welcome.
“It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.
The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.”
But they believe it right?
I think the part about maintaining your own perspective is the most important.