Prayer For The Victim

 

embrace-your-passion

 

“I will pray for you because I know that you seek redemption at my loving hand. It is understandable. You are a lost soul. I know, hush, you need not speak for restoration hangs from my lips. Listen and allow my words to grant you the salvation that you are so desperate for. I know what you are. I know because I am everywhere, I am everyone and I am everything. I understand what has happened to you. I know how you have been let down. I know how disappointment followed you like an unshakeable shadow, no matter how you applied yourself. Oh I know beneath the sin you are a good person. Your acts and your words are like beams of white light that have punctured through the dark firmament that has wrapped itself around you, cloaking you in the venom that was placed over you so long ago. Others think that they know you, but they do not. They think that this person who moves through life, never seeking to offend or hurt, never wanting to wound or injure, a person who wishes to bring calm, bring healing and bring solace to this world, they think that this person becomes weighed down by the misery, the chaos and the injustice which rises like some ever encroaching tide. They think that it is this which causes those pure tears to trickle down that unblemished skin. They think that it is all of those things which coil like rusty chains about you, dragging you down, hauling you into the quagmire of human misery and dejection. They are mistaken. You can readily with those outrageous slings and arrows. You are made of stern stuff. The insults only spur you on to succeed. The recalcitrance is but a signal to you to keep trying. The rejections just symptomatic of those you wish to help not understanding their own pain. Yes, it is trying, but you are able to rise above all of this. The woes of this world are not designed to weigh heavy on one such as you. I know this. The others do not. I understand that you were sent to bring light and love to the unloved, the broken, the hurt and the despairing. No matter how poisonous the world you will breathe your purity out, ever giving and ever resourceful until you have pushed aside those toxic clouds, dissipated the polluted fogs and brought restorative blue skies and dazzling sunshine. You are someone who is able to right the wrongs of this world. I recognise all of this.

I also know that it is not these external troubles which mean that I must pray for you. It is the burden that lies deep within you. Few know of it do they? Just you and perhaps him oh and them as well but they do not want to talk about it do they? They did not back then. They did not listen and you must be heard, isn’t that right? I listen to you. The difference is though I actually hear you. I hear that silent tortured scream which emanates from you regularly. That howling wilderness that exists inside someone who appears to be so wholesome. The rest of them are too eager to avail themselves of your goodness so that they fail to notice the wounds which are riddled throughout you. The weeping sores, the festering wounds all caused by him so long ago. None of them recognise these things but I do. I am trained to do so. I am attuned to scent your agony which you mask so well but it is that pain which acts like a siren’s call to me because I am the only one that can save you. Those fools that mill about you, all they wish to do is take from you and you allow that to happen because you regard that as your role. It is admirable in the extreme. The extent of your serenity when they might sorely test you is quite the thing to behold. Yet, there is no solace for you is there? Where is your tranquillity, your place of sanctuary? That has always been denied to you has it not? Well, no longer, for I have been sent in order to redeem you. I am the bottomless receptacle into which you must pour yourself. Alleviate yourself of the leaden weight of despair and with such excellent proclamation, cast it into me. I shall absorb it all. Everything that has plagued you, pained you and seared through you with terrible agony can now be poured into me. I am your saviour. All I ask is that you allow your every emotion to be exhibited and exposed and in return I will be the one that finally cures you of those entrenched woes. Nobody understands what you have endured, but I do. I did not see what happened to you but I know what happened to you. It is etched across you, in the way you smile, the way you move, the way you love. Only I can recognise this and in turn that is why it is only me that can be your salvation. Nobody else can achieve that for you. You do not even know it but that is why you are drawn to me in this manner, with such intensity. You think that you know what I am. You do not. You will come to think that you must repair me and make me good once again. But it is you that must be mended. There is something very wrong with you, something that happened so long ago that often you forget what it is, but it will not forget you. I am the redeemer. I am your salvation. Kneel before me and with my anointed hand, let me place it on your wretched head and in so doing I shall cleanse you. You have found me now and you shall never be parted from me, for now it is only I that can save you.”

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79 Comments

  1. That’s the problem: the desire for healing and salvation. On both sides. And it gets really bad because the salvation seems so real – at least for an hour or an evening. And the brain (at least my brain) refuses to erase the memory of it.

  2. I liked the flow, the words, the narrative, descriptive to allow the worded images to form in my head. Until you used the word wretched. Which definition of wretched do you mean?

  3. TW, I felt and at times still feel this way! That he was the only one that knew the real me! He understood me and I thought I understood him. But then your blindsided and everything falls apart! Please don’t think you can help him overcome anything. You can’t sweetie and he won’t change. The only you can do is help yourself by moving on. It’s not easy to do. But you can do it!

    1. Thanks FM1T. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. We only knew each other for a few months. We never even talked about our childhoods or anything with depth. It’s just something I felt from being around him. The feeling of not being good enough brought me to my knees. He reminded me of everything about my past that I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to heal from. I thought I was making head way over the years and now I’m almost 40 and I feel like I’m starting all over again. Maybe this healing will be much more substantial this time. No more scratching the surface. It’s a lot of pain to work through and I wish I could just retreat and deal with it but life goes on, so I put on my brave face and offer loving kindness to those around me.

      I know it could never happen, but I just wish I could tell him that I never meant to hurt him and that I understand now why he has to do what he does. I just want to make peace with him. It wasn’t just a fling. It may have been the most significant and transformative “relationship” of my life. I want to tell him he is loveable and deserving of love, I could see beyond the insecurities and hatefulness. Sometimes I wonder if the hate is the facade. I worry about his well being. I guess I care enough for the both of us.💔

      1. TW I could of just written all of this. You are good enough! He is not! Even with you knowing what he is and what he needs. That is not going to change him. You didn’t hurt him! He was hurt along time ago! This is not about him! It’s about you! I was told once by someone these words. “ Be you, for you are wonderful and loved. Turn to the ones that matter. Turn to your family” I didn’t want to hear those words! But something in hearing them touched me. I had to find another way so for me in my needed up mind, I changed that to “ turn to the ones that I matter to” we are all on a path of healing here. Some more then others. You have to find what works for you to get through this. You my dear need very much to consult with HG. You also if you haven’t already done so, need to read chained. I spent last night alone in my room with a bottle of wine, rereading this book. This book will give you answers that you are looking for if you let it. Stay here on the blog. Please consult with HG. He will not let you fail! You have a long life ahead of you! You will find a much happier and peaceful life if you do these things. My heart is with you on this path. I and so many others will be here to help you. You can do this! I believe in you! 😪❤️

      2. TW I can’t say this enough. Although at times it may seem that on the blog. People argue or torment HG ( not I, I would never do that!) we truly are all here to get answers and to heal. Some of us are here to help others that are like us, so that maybe they can move on from all of this and truly love themselves! HG spends countless hours giving us this knowledge. Although he would argue with me on this, he truly is a good man! A good man who has done some bad things, but haven’t we all! Seek him for the answers that you so desperately need.

      3. Thanks FM1T I will be consulting with HG as soon as it’s feasible for me to do so.
        It’s my top priority.
        I’m trusting that I’m here for a reason. As hard as it is to read these things and face the hard truth, I know that I’m doing some major purging and healing. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end though. There was just so much abuse in my life.
        My favourite part about narcsite is that I can talk about things that some of my closest friends don’t even know about. It helps me not feel so alone.
        I really appreciate your caring support. I look forward to getting to a place where I can help others but I feel like I’m still in the trenches at this point in time.
        How long have you been no contact? How long have you been on this site?
        Thanks❤️❤️❤️

      4. FM1T I told myself I wasn’t going to cry today!!! At least these tears are coming from a good place.
        Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your kind words and support to me. It means everything right now.
        And thanks for the recommendation for Chained. Some wine might be nice too🥰
        I’m gonna pull myself up and better myself today.
        Take care💐

  4. I’m reading this in a restaurant over lunch and the Tears are pouring down uncontrollably. It’s like you’re looking into my soul. It’s eerie.
    This is what’s keeping me stuck. I feel like he would be the only person who could understand me. Or that I could help him overcome it and find a more meaningful life the way I did. I feel sick to my stomach. I have some work to do.

  5. When I read this I can see many part where it’s hard to tell if a Codependent or Narcissist wrote this. I does become obvious that it’s a Narcisstic perspective but it reminds me how there are so many similarities between the two

  6. This is my first read.
    Fuck wow.
    Powerful and perceptive.
    Yes I have a hidden wound that very few see.

    But

    I’ve healed that wound.
    Now, I am my own salvation.
    That is the only way to be truly free of a narcissists influence.

    Thank you for all you do.
    I wouldn’t be free if it weren’t for you

  7. Dearest HG. I was reading one of your articles and, I do not understand why you say: Remember, it is an appearance that the narc has moved on. When, he has actually moved on! I mean, how can it be an appearance when it has actually happened?

    1. Because you still belong to us in our minds. Thus, although we may be with someone else and we many not be interacting with you, there remains that ‘hold’ on you which will be called upon at a later stage.

      1. Ah……now I understand why my husband still thinks that all of his exes still ‘belong’ to him……..thanks for explaining that Mr. Tudor.
        I must admit that it was something that was puzzling me.
        In fact I even asked him when we were in the early stages of our relationship if he still loved any of these exes and he laughed and said, ‘don’t be daft, of course I don’t’.
        I now realize that it was one of the rare occasions he was telling the truth.

      2. Oh my goodness. I understand. At least I have a prediction up in this interaction, for a change. I have been playing the lagging role all the way, thus far. I had not considered this, because those NOW hollow eyes that are watching me, suggested to me that my complete death/disappearance/permanent removal from his department and this planet is what he secretly desires, since I have started being admired as an up and comer. Yesterday, in the corporate cafeteria, 3 ladies physically pulled me to sit where I usually sat, close to where he sat usually with his clients or other worthies. It was unreal. I wish you could have seen this inelegant activity, Dearest HG. It reminded me of a quiet kidnapping like in those movies, where they hide the gun pointed in your back and tell you to act normal, or they will kill you. I had decided for the first time to move towards the back of the area to continue the work on my dis-engagement. I had a couple of fashion magazines to pour over as my prop. He watched. I had to laugh to the women and say, I was just trying to sit near the window for sunlight, as I walked back to my usual place with them, as they chastised me about company familyhood. He could hear. I thought to myself, why doesn’t everyone else leave me alone. I have desolate work to do to save my life, right now. This is not childsplay. They treated me like a prop that had to stay in the same place every day, just for their comfort and security and stability. I never had noticed where anyone sat in there, other than where he sat. But, even to these women, everything is part of a big chess game, I guess. (I just recently learned how to play chess). ~~ It is odd playing this game of chess where one has to think of what your opponent is thinking during every move, and the opponent thinking ahead of that move, and your move, as they figure out what you must be thinking, about what they must be thinking. The chess tutor told me that it is very difficult for adult beginners in chess, and many become frustrated and give up, and he told me he much respect for me for learning how to play. Whew.

  8. I am dis-engaging. He, of course feels nothing (his self-survival well-honed mechanism) as he has seen this countless times, for sure. I deceived myself in this narc interaction… I hurt so much last night that my teeth were chattering as I tried to fall asleep. Painful tears came out of my eyes. I guess the chattering was withdrawal pain? Teeth chattering. I never heard of such a thing. I wondered if I could have a heart attack. I never want to go through this again. My heart went somewhere that was out of my league. It happened before the eyes of so many people, but no one could see I was in danger. Including myself.

  9. Mr. Tudor, this has resonated with me in a way that I never thought possible. Please correct me if I am wrong, but the gist of what you are saying is that both the Narcissist and his Empathic ‘Twin’ are two sides of the same coin. Both have been through indescribable hurt and pain, but both have dealt with their pain in very different ways.
    The Narcissist coped with his pain by ‘creating’ the monster within and the Empath copes with her pain [or HIS pain because there are plenty of male empaths too] by giving love and healing to those who need it…..but always there is this common thread that runs between the two of them…..the Narcissist and the Empath……that common thread being pain and heartache.
    An excellent post and a very moving one too. Thank you.

    1. Are you thinking Shieldmaiden might be a hand model, MB, and that HG pulled that image off of a lotion ad of hers… or even better, that’s a photo from their personal collection, and she was holding the shaft of HG’s Stars Wars umbrella but he photoshopped in the cool flames?

      Now you got me all curious, MB.
      (Or am I mistaken in that those are even female hands? They don’t look like HG’s, but I’d have to get a better view of the knuckles to know for sure. But I’m pretty sure – not HG’s hands, but it is very likely he started that fire.🔥)

      1. BKK, HG absolutely started that fire! My truth seeking self will just have to be content with the answer of no answer as to the hands. I’m used to mystery at this point. It doesn’t bother me like it once did. Narcs relish leaving you wondering. They can’t help themselves.

      2. Shoot, MB, are you preparing me for the possibility that we might not get any new Gravatar puzzle pieces?

        I better stop; I am starting to wonder if HG didn’t cancel our Bourbon Trail trip because he was trying to protect y’all from my nastiness? But now I’m comforted to know that this truth seeking is normal empathic behavior. Yep… pretty sure that’s been the driving force behind my campaign.

      3. I agree, Wounded. Pretty sure those are female hands. But they are a bit ambiguous.
        Still, I think I can recognize HG’s hands now, especially if I can get a glance at the 2nd and 4th knuckles. Plus, the nail beds here don’t match his at all… no hair on the wrists. I think that MB and I decided the only thing that’s his is the flames.

      4. BKK definatley not his hands then. Possibly the now unshackled hands of the Empath fanning the flames. I’ll trust you to spot him in a crowd then, with an extinguisher close by.

      1. HG, you are truly God- Sent, whether you consented to it or not. We all need your help right now, and probably a lot of us prayed to God for help, and it’s you. Your work is ultimately helping good-minded people understand how to overcome the evil of narcissism and keep goodness in the world.

      2. “Are you willing to cut it down to god-like, instead of a god HG?” – Cindy

        “No, Cindy.” HG Tudor

        😃😃😃
        Mr. HG Tudor, you are a stinker.
        But I won’t pass judgment because I’ve been a bit of a tart myself today.

      3. Dearest HG. It is good to hear your words of insight on your videos and to read your words: The words of a Master. I have always admired very intelligent people. And due to some odd and unusual circumstances, I have been around many extremely intelligent men, most of my adult life, but You are a Phenomenon. One of the last in this present era. The only one in my sphere for so many years now. I am pleased that it pleases you to arm us to fight for our survival. To tell us exactly and explicitly what we are fighting, and teaching us to be a few steps ahead, and even to have some skill in the struggle. Like 2 of my favorite movies; (1) Fight Club, and (2) Red Belt. The struggle is to the death and the struggle is real. Thank you very much.

  10. You are talking to your inner child. You associate us (victims) with the frightened child that is caught up inside of you. You are doing us the same thing the “monster” is doing to you. At the end you must be mean with us, bacause we are your child…sad

    1. Kellie,
      Do not blame yourself for any of it! Of course you feel as though you want him back, that is only your emotions running wild! Trust me on that one. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Read to yourself what you have just written. Now, has he made any effort to apologize to you? Even if he has it is all a lie. That is all they no how to do. You didn’t wound him dear, someone else did that along time ago. Shake it off and use logic! You will get through this.🌷

    2. I feel the same way Kellie. If I knew anything about this condition I would never have been so hurtful. I have to fight myself everyday not to reach out and make sure he’s ok.

      I keep in check by reminding myself how valuable I am and how my children need me at my best and that he takes all the good from me.
      In my phone contacts under his # I actually have a photo of my kids and I replaced his name with “You are a valuable gift of infinite love.” He’s blocked but sometimes I have weak moments and unblock him. Then I read that and see my beautiful smiling kids. This was my therapist’s idea. I’m so lucky she understand Narcisstic abuse.

      The content on this site is literally saving lives. Thank you HG.

      1. Twisted Heart
        The NPD ensures that he is ok. He does not need you. You are what ensures your children are ok. They DO need you. Your time is better spent attending to the needs of your children.

  11. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    Today I released myself, and I couldn’t sleep.
    Today I saw clearly my mistakes and my guilt and his insane lesson. And I couldn’t sleep, because I was terrified.
    I broke his illusions, his hopes, his expectations, his heart.
    And in the end, his love or falling in love became the most desolating fury..
    And he dedicated himself out of spite to break, break, tear apart, disrupt, undo, destroy, destroy, crack, burst, fragment. Split or divide, cut, separate, cut, sever, truncate, chop. humiliate, trample, mistreat, run over, denigrate, outrage, belittle, grind, crush, mine.
    He repeated the scene like a rite for years, week by week and day by day, I don’t give up and I don’t rest until I learn the lesson. And understand what he felt, what he suffered because he is my mirror.
    Perhaps your prayers and prayers have set me free.
    Although I believe that his information does it rather.
    It’s so simple and so clear that I couldn’t see.
    But now I see.

  12. I have read this so many times. But yet I have never felt it like I just have. To deny that so much of it is true would be a lie! I believe there is a connection between a narcissist and an empath that draws us together. We each have something the other wants and needs. Be it a void or a hurt that goes back many years that changed us from what we should of been to what we now are. It was as if we were twins separated, and with that separation each took something that the other didn’t have. And so we go searching for what we have lost, hoping each time that this will be the one to return us to are wholeness once again. HG this post has touched me in away that none of you others have ever come close to! It is an amazing piece! 😪

    1. Good Morning FM1T

      Hope you are well.

      Just waking to the land of the living and I read this article. I wasn’t going to comment until I read yours.

      I like what you said about being twins and one being gone. He is gone and I am learning to live again with out him even thou I still feel his presence.

      Twilight

      1. Good Morning Twilight,
        I am well. Thank you for asking. Thank you for understanding what I had written. I was not going to post it for fear of it being to off the wall for some to understand. I am also trying to live again without him. I think with this one however his presence I will feel for a lifetime. 😪😘

      2. Thank you Twilight and FM1T. I was afraid to admit this because I didn’t know if others would understand and it’s is not logical at all. We even looked very similar. It was a short relationship but it hurts like no other and brought up so many childhood memories. At times I felt like I couldn’t differentiate between his pain and mine.
        I’m scared that we are destined to meet again, not because of what HG has taught us about Hoover’s but because I have a strong feeling that we have unfinished business. He’s very scary to me. I hope I can stay strong enough. I started this life with abuse, I don’t want to end it that way.

        1. Twisted Heart, You don’t have to be afraid on here. Yes there are some that may not understand what some of us feel. But for the most part everyone on here is very supportive. I will admit it was and is very hard for me at times to write about certain things. This comment I had uncertainty about posting. But now if I start to have doubt because of feeling know one will understand, I hit send really fast and it’s gone! Lol. You can stay strong! Stay here with us, ask questions, consult with HG, read read and then read again. You can do this! We will be here to help! 🌷

      3. Everyone is so understanding and kind here. I feel like I’m going crazy. I just want my normal life back, when my biggest worry was if I was getting enough leafy greens. I’m finding it very hard to get back on track.
        And I’m worried that I’m addicted to this blog and this pain. I should be over this by now. I was nothing to him and he stills holds this much power over me.

        1. Twisted Heart
          Don’t be worried that you are addicted to this blog. Consider it Narc methadone if it helps. Being here reading and interacting over time will have you feeling differently about your situation and you’ll be back to worrying about enough leafy greens again.

  13. :Nobody understands what you have endured, but I do. I did not see what happened to you but I know what happened to you. It is etched across you, in the way you smile, the way you move, the way you love. Only I can recognise this and in turn that is why it is only me that can be your salvation.”

    So basically, the narc is a trauma hound.

  14. This has always been my favorite because there is so much truth mixed with delusion, wrapped in seductive comforting death of the original pain. The thing that makes opium so addictive, being “comfortably numb”.

    1. Indy,
      I like your comment and it describes how I feel about the article too.

      Your comment made me realise something about how I feel when reading words like the ones in HG’s article. He uses words and phrases which are very emotive, but difficult to define in concrete terms. Phrases such as “seek redemption at my loving hand” and “you are a lost soul” and “nobody understands what you have endured, but I do”.

      From an emotional perspective, these phrases can be like food to the starving, like an oasis in the desert to those who want (or crave) to believe in them. They are like words from some saviour who can somehow make dreams come true. It makes me think that this is how religions, cults and other types of “magical thinking” organisations can affect those who want to believe.

      From a logical perspective, these words and phrases actually are very difficult to “define” and to get some real and reliable meaning from. They could mean anything and cannot be proven. In fact, they don’t really mean anything, except that the listener is seduced into believing what he/she ‘wants’ to believe.

      But they “feel” so good, and the “promise” of dreams coming true is so enticing, just like opium even though the addiction can kill you.

      It makes me realise why I enjoy romance and sometimes putting on rose-coloured glasses and believing in beautiful literature or poetry or films simply because they are beautiful. I enjoy these things, but I also feel a nagging sense (or warning) in the back of my mind of how unreal and unreliable, and ultimately unsatisfying, they are. They are delusions.

      1. Wisernow
        Yes. Another useful tool in their kit. Being vague and leaving things open for us to apply our empathic interpretation to.

        1. NarcAngel,
          So true, and being honest and decent, the empathic person can’t conceive that the romantic words are lies and a trap. Even if the sentiment is vague, they can’t see or suspect the deceit and darkness in it.

    1. I think the flames are great too, K. It’s an eye-catching graphic. Gifs are a good way for HG to add an image to his articles.

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