Poll : What Will Valentine’s Day Bring For You?
It is Valentine’s Day.
Is it a day of excitement, cards from mystery admirers, a new chapter with a loving empathic person or is it a day of regret, hurt feelings over the now departed narcissist? Perhaps you are bracing yourself for unpleasant behaviours or anticipating the narcissist hoovering you with sugary embrace? Then again perhaps you are being left alone and you are grateful for it. Alternatively you might be giving your own V sign to V day and refusing to bow to commercial pressures.
Whatever it might be, please do take the poll and choose all applicable answers and expand as always in the comments section.
Now, how do I get out of my house with all these cards blocking the front door…..
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Oh happy day! My vulnerable, but fully NPD bonified girlfriend gave me the Best Valentine ever! The gift of her incarceration for robbery! The newspaper article had a bewildered picture of her as well as the face tattooed career criminal dipshit accomplice. After a long belly laugh I had to write her in jail to thank her properly. Baby, you’re the Best!
When I was very young, easily four or five, I discovered Valentine’s Day was the worst holiday based on the quality of the candy you could buy in stores. I didn’t understand any real differences between Christmas, Halloween, Easter or Valentine’s Day at that age, but I remember the packaging for each holiday, and how bitter and stale the candy was. People could just go to a grocery store and pick up excellent candy on other holidays, but everything on Val-Day just tasted stale.
I moved 730 miles away on new year’s eve. Completely have him blocked and a new number for me.
Well done.
investing *in snowshoes.
No options seemed accurate to my situation, so I didn’t select any. And I was happily avoiding thoughts of my ex (at least with regard to Valentine’s Day) on the 14th.
But I did indulge commercialization of this day by gifting some Valentine treats to those close to me and who have been very supportive while I pick up the pieces of my life. Also, made sure my son had valentines to give out to his friends (it irks me that school’s are supportive of this ‘holiday’ by sending home a list of names of classmates so that no one is missed – but weighing that against my son feeling left out of the whole valentine giving thing…oh well…)
So then, the next day, I decided to treat myself. After shoveling – which seemed purposeless because there is no where to put the snow – and it just keeps falling – I braved the Canadian blizzard and went to the store (I had other errands too).
I actually had no idea how to treat myself. I stood there in the store and thought “What would I buy if I was not going through what I am right now and I felt normal?” Then it came to me; olives. I would normally splurge on quality olives, so I did. And then I thought: what better to accompany olives than some fancy cheese, right? So I bought some double brie…and then red seedless grapes. And then I thought; crackers? No….
Baguette. Yes, that’s what I would have normally bought in the past if I didn’t have to think about what I was spending. So I went to the bakery section; the baguettes were still warm! So I selected a french baguette.
A few other random things…no time for coffee…grabbed the bus back. Yes, bus (needless to say the baguette was not so warm by the time I got home in the blowing snow.)
Finally, at home, I was prepping my plate of goodies for lunch (that I would eat while still attempting to sort papers)…slicing the baguette etc., and then it hit me (BurntKrispyKeen will totally appreciate this) – I was having a visual memory of my narc’s hands while slicing baguette. (Up until this moment I was doing so good!). I froze and tried to think of something else in relation to the baguette…all I could come up with was a live performance, years ago, of Colm Feore as Mercutio (in Romeo and Juliet) running after the nurse with a baguette in his hand! So much better…yes, think about Colm Feore…
That was a lot of energy expended to just avoid thinking about my narc…I would have been better off investing snowshoes…
Ha! 😄 WhoCares, I very much enjoyed that glimpse into your life… your errands… your thought processes… and of course, those random visuals that just 💥pop💥 into your head. ✋ HG, you are the master of your craft, but I think we might have another “Roald Dahl” on our hands. I always enjoy your writings WhoCares. And please … treat yourself to those little “goodies of life” as often as you can.
🍡🍞🍪
You more than deserve it! ❤
BurntKrispyKeen,
I enjoy the glimpses into your life as well…I left some responses to some of your comments to me on “What has Narcissism Cost You…” Not sure if you saw…no worries if not. I just know I haven’t been getting all my notifications so I might have missed comments directed at me. Some of the threads are quirky – that’s for sure.
And I don’t about Roald Dahl…but thank-you for your compliments!
And yes, thank-you, I’ve been trying to.be kinder to myself as of late.
Thank you, WhoCares… I will check it out.
Dearest WhoCares,
My son is over in your neck of the woods, you could’ve shared your baguette 🥖 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,
That is a kind thought…but after I wrangled that baguette home through the blowing snow – I was not in a sharing mood.
But thank-you ♡
Dear WhoCares,
Haha…. I was being silly
He’s been ploughing thru snow as well … skiing 🎿
I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless 🥖
Thanks lovely 😊
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,
I know the spirit with which you made the comment! ♡♡
And yes, this winter has been most excellent for skiers and the like…I used to do a lot of cross-country skiing when I was much younger but find it hard to fit such activities in lately…unless it’s going to help me get to the store faster when I’m in dire need of a baguette – then I might consider it!
Dear WhoCares,
Thanks gorgeous ..haha …sorry for the delay
He’s home now … just missed the avalanche
No you…hehe … the real avalanche
Where I’m from, we’ve been sweltering in 47c …. phew !!! 🔥
I’d appreciate some snow right now and a baguette 🥖
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,
47c!!!!
I think I would go into climate shock if I experienced that right now.
Hope your son enjoyed the snow – ours is now being capped off with wet snow, ice pellets and rain…woohoo!
Dear WhoCares,
Going from extreme cold to extreme heat …. ’tis a bit of a shock to the ol system …however, he loved it
Thank you lovely one and for the chit chat
Mwah 💋
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
(I don’t have a “like” button)
Thank-YOU Bubbles. ♡
This year brought the flu but I will take that over a narc any day. Also I celebrated 10 years with my husband on the 13th (going out the weekend prior). Love devotee? Without a doubt. He also made a sweet card with construction paper and twine.
Narcs are nasty little boogers when we’d readily take the flu over their shenanigans! Glad you are feeling better, Wounded. The flu has been wicked over the past few years… but as you imply, not nearly as wicked as … 😈
(Homemade cards are the best.)
Congratulations on 10 years! 🎉
That link was cute NB. My husband is not big on Valentine’s Day either but I am. I think that he might be an introvert too even though he is way more socially adept than I am (He was not cooped up at home by a matrinarc). I’m just a really unapologetically cheesy person and he is more on the practical side. We don’t like going out and we don’t spend much except for little cheap gifts and candies. I don’t mind Valentine’s Day but the holiday that makes me dreadful every year is Mother’s Day. Mostly because of my matrinarc. I don’t like going to my social media pages because I see everyone’s gratitude and love for their mom and it makes me feel bad that I can’t honestly feel grateful to my mom. So I just stay away from social media on Mother’s Day. That day is always torture for me.
MommyPino
Mother’s Day was always hard for me, too. Pretzel refused to ever do anything special, get me a gift or help the children get me a gift. His reasoning was, “You’re not my mother.” Sometimes my MIL or sister in law would take my kids to get me a card or a gift when my children got up to school age. But once they were old enough to drive, they expected the kids to get me something on their own, which they did not.
Finally I got tired of hoping and being disappointed and began to get my own card and my own gift that I wanted. I began to do that for my birthday and Christmas as well. Then it didn’t bother me anymore. I could look forward to getting what I wanted for my special occasion.
Windstorm
That reminded me that my mother once asked SN why she never got anything for Mothers Day. He looked at her like she had 3 heads and said because you’re not my mother! I told him another time that kids at school got stuff for passing grade and asked how come I didn’t get anything. He replied that I would get a boot in the ass if I didn’t. Birthdays nothing. Christmas nothing. So like you I vowed never to wait on anyone else to provide any pleasure/reward. I buy what I want when I want.
NarcAngel
I had a friend who got a dollar for every “A” She got on her grade card. When I asked my mother if I could have a dollar for A’s she said, “No. You make too many. It’d just be wasted money.”
WS & NA, same here! My parents weren’t Narcs, but A’s were run of the mill amongst my siblings and me. They were expected and not out of the ordinary. We would have broken them up if they’d paid us for them. On the flip side though, we were not punished for grades less than A’s. Another perk to having non-Narc parents I presume.
MB
The ONLY thing I had going for me was my grades and respect from teachers/other students at school. That was my reinforcement that I was not the loser disappointment my mother constantly alluded to in her sarcasm. I have no doubt she would have ridiculed anything less than an A, but that was not the point. I needed those excellent grades for my own reassurance. They were my proof that SHE was really the crazy one.
WS, It’s wonderful that you were able to have that outside reinforcement. Not many things are more cruel than making a child believe they are worthless. Parents don’t realize the impact they have on their children for the rest of their lives.
MB
True. And we often don’t realize how our small, everyday actions affect our children longtime
Windstorm,
“When I asked my mother if I could have a dollar for A’s she said, “No. You make too many. It’d just be wasted money.”
That’s horrible Windstorm.
And I can see from your contributions here that you would definitely have excelled in school…any mom should have been proud of you. Narcs are so messed up.
I realize now throwing myself into school, books and art was my haven from family stress when I was young. To keep me in line my mother used the threat that I would not be allowed to go to school – I loved school, so I’d behave.
When my son and I were with her, for a while, she tried that same type of discipline with my son. I told her “Don’t you dare threaten him with something you can’t follow through on. He will be going to school.”
She said, “Why not? It worked with you – and you turned out fine.”
WhoCares, you turned out to be an amazing person because of you. It is frustrating when N parents make growing up so hard and then take credit for us turning out fine IN SPITE of them.
mommypino,
Thank-you.
I was reading your conversation with FYC on V-Day about your past experience with your mother – and I have to say that you turned pretty darn A-OK yourself 😉
The way you convey yourself and your opinions demonstrates just how amazing – and feisty, I might add – that you are!
Aww thank you WhoCares, you’re too kind. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
mommypino – love the avatar!!!♡♡♡
Thank you WhoCares 💗. It’s a 7 yr. old pic before I had my sweet little ones who gave me eye bags 😁.
You look so pretty, I love your eyes, mommypino.
Thank you Sweetest Perfection. 💗. It’s amazing what makeup can do lol.
Mommypino,
“It’s a 7 yr. old pic before I had my sweet little ones who gave me eye bags.”
*Sigh* Narcs & little ones…not sure which has the most affect on a person’s looks, lol. Regardless, MP – you’re a beauty!
P.S. My pic is from 12 or 13 years ago!
WhoCares Wow! That is you? I love your gravitar. I thought that it is a stock photo of a model. You’re very attractive!
Aw, thanks MP, it is me…but as I said it was a long time ago; pre-narc & pre-motherhood. ♡
NA, it must be a ‘Lesser thing’ to not celebrate anything. My matrinarc was the same. Nothing for birthdays or Christmas. One time I tried to hang a sock for Christmas and nothing was there. That’s probably why now I have a tendency to be so cheesy and overboard with holidays. Now that I’m in control of my own family we’re definitely going festive. And I don’t use gift bags. I box and wrap everything and even put pleats on my wrapping and bows and curly ribbons 🎀.
Dearest Windstorm and NarcAngel,
That is so very very sad 😭
“Not being my mother” is the biggest cop out …..how about “To the most amazing n beautiful mother of our children”
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Windstorm I love that you took charge of your own happiness! Expecting something from someone is like surrendering the control of our happiness to someone else. We’re giving them the power that our happiness depends on whether they will meet our expectations and we give them the power to disappoint us when they don’t meet it.
Also Windstorm, as a child I realized that we never celebrated Mother’s Day at home. So I made a card for my mom and got her a gift from saving the changes from my lunch money and thought that maybe we could start a tradition. I was probably about ten. She laughed at the card and the gift like she was laughing at how silly and naive I was and told me in a scolding way that I should not have wasted money on the gift because she didn’t need it. Then just threw the card away. That was the first and last Mother’s Day at our house lol.
This breaks my heart. I am sorry that your mother was unable to open up and accept your very sweet gesture. It hurts to know that some people are unable to allow themselves to feel vulnerable to love… especiallyfrom an innocent child. No doubt, Mommypino, these experiences have helped you to become the kind, open and loving woman that you are today… and beautiful. Both yours and WhoCares’ images are lovely.
Thank you BKK, you’re very sweet!
WS your story is reminding me of how I was always good in school and my mother was constantly grounding me at home. One time she extended it to an academic school field trip and refused to sign the permission slip. I had a teacher actually call her to change her mind and come to me to apologize because she couldn’t agree with denying an educational opportunity and I had done nothing wrong at school and she couldn’t talk sense into her. It was understood I would spend the day in detention, which I did. I’m sure it was confusing to her that one of her more socially awkward, best behaved, A earning students was in detention while everyone else left.
At home I would repeatedly sneak out of the house while grounded though, so I still felt bad.
Nunya Biz
Sneaking out of the house….. Brings back so many memories. When I turned 16, I had a car waiting for me and unlimited gasoline (we kept a big tank for farm use). My curfew was 10, so I’d go to bed and wait till both parents were asleep. Then I’d open my window, take out the screen, climb down the fence and sneak off in my car. I was adept at driving very slowly with the headlights off and never touching the breaks till I got to the road. I was always back in bed by daylight and they never knew.
I never felt bad, though. Mama had told me I had to be home by 10 because otherwise she would worry and not be able to sleep. I understood that and made sure she never worried. 😄
Windstorm and NunyaBiz, I wasn’t able to sneak out because it was impossible with the way houses or apartments are designed over there. Also my curfew was 30 minutes after school, around 5:30 or 6pm, depending on what day. But one of my favorite memories were when classes were suspended. We didn’t have a phone at home so my mom never knew. I went to one of my friends’ house, she had a really big yard and she lived in a subdivision where there were hardly any traffic so we were able to play on the road. She taught me how to ride a bicycle, play and do tricks with butterfly knives or balisong and even gave me one of her collections, she had doves and she showed me how they would always return to her with her whistle when she lets them fly, and we also stole and drank her dad’s brandy which was disgusting.
We were 13 at that time. 😊
That sounds like a lovely memory Mommypino – especially the doves.
Thank you WhoCares. It really was. Every time our classes get cancelled I was so excited to go with her to her house. She’s an engineer now and I still keep in touch with them on Facebook. I call her mom tita (aunt) and she sends me chain messages on Facebook all the time lol.
Mommypino,
I could see why you would look forward to class cancellations! And that’s nice that you stay in touch…’ugh’ on the FB chain messages, never liked those on social media, lol.
NB, it does suck to be left out from school field trips. We don’t have detention in the Phils. so i just stay home with my matrinarc when there are field trips.
Ha, WS. I didn’t have a car in high school. Wow unlimited gas!
Teenager’s dream.
I had moved across the country into my dad’s place by then because I couldn’t take being constantly yelled at anymore and I then I lived too far from things to get a job. Several times I snuck out but it required walking very far in the dark and then back by dawn. Probably not safe.
I had to break grounding with my mom in middle school, I was constantly in trouble with no positive reinforcement. She wasn’t home when I did it and it usually just involved me walking out into broad daylight and hoping to get home before she did.
I guess my younger sister adapted by being “the good one”. I don’t think I remember her being grounded to the house. It amazes me looking back at how inept my mother was at having a simple loving conversation that might involve questions about my thoughts and feelings.
So far it’s been smooth with my kids and rules, but there is a long ways to go and temptations increase every year. I just talk to them as much as possible.
Hmm…interesting to think about stuff.
Your comment came up in a very weird spot that time, MP.
Yeah, I was thinking what is my favorite thing is the gesture of someone making sure I feel ok. Good even. People being withholding of love and affection when it could easily be the other way around bothers me greatly. Especially when I love to share, support, give and I also find most people don’t mind asking for things. It’s odd to me because I seem to be wired the other way around. And people really don’t mind asking for things.
I know exactly what you mean about mother’s day. I hope your husband is very nice to you for it. I don’t love holidays in general, so to me someone close being aware of that kind of thing is about the best thing I could think of. Extra hug maybe, a phone call or something, but things between two people have their own meaning with nothing to do with anyone/anything else. I think that people are supposed to be there for what each other need REALLY, not whatever people imagine or go through the motions of. Communication between two people can be its own language and it isn’t best made out of being self-centered, defensive blocking, lowering the bar, covering the bases, or making a point.
I usually forget what day it is and kept forgetting it was vday unless reminded. I do like the holidays for the kids more than adults, but that’s probably because I think giving things to the kids just comes easy and they like it. If you are cheesy about it like you said in your other post then that makes me think you are good at enjoying it.
I had an unhealthy expectation with V Day before which made me not enjoy it for a few years. My husband is my first and only relationship because my matrinarc didn’t allow me to date in the Phils. So all these years that I have been seeing my girlfriends and every other woman around me get roses and candies on V Day made me build up an expectation that someday my future love of my life will shower me with love on V Day. My husband is so incredibly similar to you as you describe your attitude about V Day and holidays in general. Especially V Day for him is a manufactured holiday he said and he believes that our anniversary is wayyyy more important than V Day because it’s only about the two of us while V Day is just a Hallmark holiday to sell cards. He’s absolutely right but does it hurt him to celebrate both? No. There was even one year when he said fine we’ll go out on V Day and he took me to In-N-Out Burger. I was hoping that I was going to be at least taken to a real restaurant. Instead we were spending Valentines at In-N-Out. But now we meet in the middle. We celebrate it but I don’t expect an Uber romantic celebration. I realized that I was making him make up for what I didn’t have while I was under my matrinarc’s control and it isn’t fair to him and also it is an illusion that I have built up in my mind that would make me happy but in reality a loving and supportive relationship on a daily basis is much more important for my happiness. I was also spoiled by the narc that I dated in the Phils before I left because of the fancy dates that he took me to when we were not even in a relationship yet at that time. I left the country after our fourth date. So that added to the build up of false expectations.
He is good about Mother’s Day to me. He takes the kids to get something for me and plans an activity. One time he had set aside a corner in our yard as a Mother’s Day garden where each year he would take the kids to pick a flower to plant in it. For the first year my son picked a Hydrangea. Unfortunately it died because I kept forgetting to water it so we didn’t do that again the year after. It was a cool concept but it just didn’t work out.
I think that it’s great that you have a more realistic attitude about V Day and holidays. You sound very much like my husband in terms of that. It’s not coming from a place of insecurity or need but instead you know exactly what you want and what matters most in a relationship and spending holidays together.
“Especially when I love to share, support, give and I also find most people don’t mind asking for things. It’s odd to me because I seem to be wired the other way around. And people really don’t mind asking for things.”
You’re absolutely right with that observation. It’s amazing how differently we are wired compared to the Normals. I used to find myself getting frustrated and buffled at that same observation and now I know that it’s because I’m an empath. We’re just all different. I have found myself respecting that difference. I cannot change the way that God made them but I am now trying to be more disciplined with the way that I provide support. Like recently my narcy ex friend who didn’t want to share birthdays with me gave birth to a baby with a birth defect. My heart wants to give her more support than what is logical or fair. She was never there for me unless there is something that she was getting from it, mostly monetary. I sent her congratulations and told her how beautiful her baby is. I was selling a baby carrier that I used for a great price and in perfect condition. She commented on my post selling it that she wish that she had $80 because she really really needed and wanted it. All I did was Like her comment. Prior to that I would have literally given it to her because I feel for her baby and she is struggling financially. Before she did the same thing with the used maternity clothes that I was selling and I gave them to her for free because I wanted her to have nice maternity clothes. So I think if Inam able to stay disciplined then I shouldn’t be taken advantage as much as I used to. I didn’t even sign up for the meal train for her.
MP,
You sound like you are very good at being introspective, accountable and considerate. That is great. I’ve had some of the same issues with unrealistic expectations but then they are negated too much by my desire not to be a selfish bitch : p
The whole thing is a double edged sword where I feel uncomfortable being selfish, but some selfishness is a great idea. I find in most cases the outcome is that I am less self interested than I should be and I struggle with it and I am also vulnerable to being taken advantage of as in your ex birthday friend.
And by the way your husband’s garden idea sounded awesome.
I think all of these internal conflicts should be relatable and understandable to any empathetic person who knows your history. A good romantic partner would have some awareness and good contributions.
Yeah MP, I think you are all good on the baby carrier thing : )
She’s obviously pressuring you because it has worked. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but it seems odd that she would make that comment. Well, not really considering her history with you. It’s good that you know the behavior patterns and can take care of yourself. Caring about something and feeling responsible to fix it are two different things. Sometimes you can do both, sometimes one, sometimes neither. I try to do an internal check what I feel ok with and then respect my feelings.
Oh and mommypino what is your MB type?
ENFP most of the time. Sometimes my results were ENTP. I just did the free tests online.
Hi Nunya, some of your comments didn’t show up in my WordPress. You’re right about her. Her style is she never directly asks for anything, she just puts the idea in your head. I noticed that that way, she’s not obliged to be grateful because it was voluntary on the giver’s part. It’s always a cycle where I feel good with the thought of her being helped then I feel bad with the lack of reciprocity or appreciation that is beyond lip service. She is an expert with that though. People keep giving her free stuff. Especially the people in her church. She’s super religious; always posting Bible verses on her FB and yet she told me and our other coworker that she and her mom are praying for her brother’s girlfriend to have a miscarriage. For the life of me I don’t know how that is acceptable.
Yeah, still similar typing MP.
I may take it again and see where my sliding scales end up again, I’m curious. I was interested in that other test people were talking about and never got around to it, I forget what it was called now. I’ll look for it later.
I think it’s the enneagram test. I haven’t done that yet and I don’t really understand it. There is also a Helen Fisher temperament test. My temperament is a Negotiator which is a perfect match for my husband who is a Director. He’s very Alpha and I’m a Beta so we do not clash. There are also Explorers and Builders.
Oh, thank you, MP. Yes the enneagram I want to take. I will look at Helen Fisher also.
Nunya biz and mommypino
I love any tests, regardless of their validity. 😉
Hadn’t heard of the Fisher test till you all mentioned it. According to it I am primarily a negotiator with my secondary being director. Don’t know if that means I’m a negotiating director or a directing negotiator!
Windstorm, the way that I understand it is that the primary is our general temperament and the secondary is our way of thinking. So your primary is a Negotiator like me, most empaths fall under Negotiators. It means that your temperament is more rules by the hormone Estrogen and your temperament is more closer to the oxytocin which is the warm and cuddly hormone. You are social, open-minded, trusting and generous. Your secondary is a Director which means you’re super smart. You’re a systems thinker. People with Director sunsets are usually scientists (I think I have read somewhere that you were a science teacher), and engineers. Mine is a Negotiator and Builder. Builder subsets like facts instead of theories. We are prudent and principles and are not risk takers. Which is probably why I ended up being an accountant lol.
Me too, WS! Have you done empath thingy with HG? I’ll look at the other ones later and post comment.
Nunya biz
Do you mean have I asked HG which type of empath I am? That wasnt necessary. Mine is obvious. I could be a poster child for contagion. lol!
Ha, that’s what I thought you’d say, windstorm! I had wandered around here noticing I related to several different things so I finally did.
I have strong Contagion traits, not Contagion majority according to HG (and I was irritated after because I answered a question wrong to my experience, but I am informed nonetheless). I think my contagion traits come out in extreme sometimes though and I can feel them. I was surprised to see very strong Carrier tendencies, though not majority, just very strong. I was not surprised to see strong Savior tendencies, I’d guessed that. Definitely Super.
It ended up making good sense to me in balance. Everything informs everything else, so I think the consult is good for more than finding majority school. I figured out the source of some of my frustrations with relationships and it is helping me attempt to alter some behavior and maybe enhance others, though I am in the middle of that process and nowhere near figured it out. I have a hard time reminding myself not to do certain things.