Sins of the Empath : Positivity
Positivity. Positive outlook. Optimism. The empathic individual which is the target for our kind is blessed with positivity. This ingrained positivity allows them to see the good in people, it enables them to find the silver lining in the gathered storm clouds and grants a motivating factor. By adopting a positive outlook in their life, the empathic individual is inspired to achieve more, to dispel the bad and seize on whatever goodness they can identify, even if it is the merest kernel. This trait enables the empathic individual to cast their optimistic eyes over the bleakest of scenarios and see that there is something good which can be learned from the experience, something decent which is in the pipeline and something to be cherished. In its purest form it manifests as a blind optimism and this powers the empathic individual so they are able to overcome what might be regarded as insurmountable by lesser individuals.
This empathic trait causes the relevant person to reflect on what they have learned from an experience, how the occasion was good for them in testing them, causing them to utilise their resources and to work out a way forward when faced with a problem. Whilst a normal individual might bemoan the situation that has befallen them (and indeed our kind would address it by blaming everybody else and leaving them to pick up the pieces), the empathic individual’s innate positivity causes them to see an opportunity. They see the chance to enrich their own experience, to grow as a person and to demonstrate that with positive thought, positive action and positive attitude no problem is too great, no issue is incapable of resolution and no setback is forever.
Whilst being imbued with this sense of positivity allows an empathic individual to demonstrate fortitude, pragmatism and optimism in their lives and thus they bring with them the capacity to enrich the lives of others, the trait of positivity also generates problems when dealing with our kind.
The positivity invariably blinds the empathic person to what they are actually dealing with. The false positivity which we radiated through our love bombing and the golden period convinces the empathic person that we are indeed a ‘good’ person. Thus, when the monster appears during devaluation, rather than see it for what it is, the manipulations and machinations of a twisted and abusive person, the positive empath strives to harness the good which once existed again. This creates a near indefatigable spirit which in turn causes the empathic person to remain in our grip for far longer than is good for them.
Naturally, this is of no concern to us since we want you to remain in our grip. We want you bound to us and your unrelenting belief that the goodness that you have seen can be brought to the fore again is a weakness of this positivity and invariably puts you at risk. When others would retreat in the face of the eroding and savage manipulations, the empathic individual remains positive. Not only do they wish to sweep away the darkness and find the good in us once again, they regard it as a test of their resolve and therefore increase their positive outlook in order to cater with the slings and arrows which are sent their way.
This positivity lend itself to the making of excuses. Rather than realise that they have been entangled by a deceitful, manipulative abuser, the empathic individual will look to environmental factors – such as the fact that we are tired, stressed or over-worked since that must be what it is that is clouding our innate and once seen inner goodness. If those external factors continue to fail to explain our behaviours, the empathic individual will become introspective and consider that the problem has arisen as a consequence of some failing on their part. They consider that they have not shown us enough love, not asked us how our days has gone, not been supportive enough when we have faced a challenge, not cooked our steak correctly and ever more trivial and meaningless excuses which are trotted out in order to maintain a positive outlook and not give in.
By adopting positivity, the empathic individual places stock in the fact that with the right effort and application things will be worked out and once more will be good again. When a respite period is granted by us during the devaluation, the empathic individual will seize on this as evidence of how their positive outlook has reaped rewards. By hanging in there, never giving up and remaining upbeat they have allowed their positivity to shine through and this has saved the day. Once again however, this dedication to remaining positive has caused the empathic person to fail to notice that this is all part of the ongoing manipulation and is just a brief and passing restoration of the illusion that is the golden period and is done to exploit this belief in remaining positive.
Positivity causes the empath to misguidedly believe that we can be fixed and healed. This positive outlook means that when an objective third party points out the reality of the situation to the empath, they smile and thank them for their observation but find an excuse and point to how remaining true to being positive will once again resolve the issues. The viewpoint is one of if you want something enough then the universe will provide it to you and those with a positive outlook do not waste time wondering why things do not happen as they wish, but rather they do something to bring about what they want and to change things. This attitude may be appropriate to securing a promotion at work, saving to purchase your dream home or being thought of as a kind person by your friends, but it only serves to blind you to what you have been entangled with when it comes to our kind.
It means you are enmeshed with us for longer than you ought to be. It means you suffer the devaluation and all of its awful outcomes to a greater degree than you should. It means that you remain highly susceptible to being hoovered post discard because you believe that we will ultimately see the error of our ways and that we will recognise we have done wrong so that we return to the wonderful, loving and charming person that once seduced you.
Those with this empathic trait in intense amounts will not countenance the manifestation of negativity. They will fight down their anger and replace it with concern. They will dissolve their frustration and exhibit caring instead. This sublimation of emotions only serves to encourage our devaluation as we strive to shatter the positivity and see the tears, the hurt and the despair. Your rejection of negativity means you will not hear ill spoken of us, you will not blame us for what we do and rather than take heed of the negative thoughts which will and do manifest in your mind, you try to force them to one side by engaging in your trait of positivity.
This is a dangerous path to tread. Not only does it blind you to what we are and bind us to you for longer, it means that ultimately you are setting yourself up for devastating disappointment. When the full force of our machinations have been unleashed against you and your considerable coping abilities have been stretched beyond endurance, once this all comes crashing down, the height from which you maintained your positivity means that your fall is all the harder, longer and more painful.
When that discard takes you by surprise, you plummet from your perch of positivity and crash into the dirt, bewildered, exhausted and drained. Yet, it does not take long for this positive trait to re-appear as you soon begin to apply it again, making excuses for why we disappeared, making plans for how matters can be resolved if we just sit down and have a constructive conversation together and how it was good for you to experience this despair, because now you know more than you once did and you can apply this learned experience to your and our advantage by winning us back and helping us with our problems. You can tease out that inner goodness because you will not allow yourself to think it does not exist. To do so offends your sense of positivity.
Negative thoughts however can serve a positive purpose for you, if only you would listen to them. Negative thoughts such as fear manifest to tell you to protect yourself, to defend yourself and to get away from the danger. You however remain in the firing line because you reject the negative and embrace the positive. A negative thought such as feeling unappreciated, lonely or hurt should be recognised as a warning and acted upon, however, the strength of your positivity will invariably override this until it is too late. Indeed, there are those whose degree of positivity is so great that they have become deluded as to what we are and how dangerous we are to you. They are blinded and no matter how often we dole out our cruel treatments, no matter how often others point out the harm that is being caused, they cannot see it because of the effect of their innate positivity.
To do so is indeed a sin in the context of being ensnared with our kind.
The positivity which you should embrace ought to be applied to yourself; that your encounter with us should cause you to learn what we are and how to avoid and evade us in the future.
21 thoughts on “Sins of the Empath : Positivity”
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If I didn’t have positivity, I wouldn’t have survived half the crap that I went through in life. I am so proud of my strength. Positivity is my strength. It did become a liability in the ways that you described and I have learned from it now. I will never invest anything on anyone or anything that doesn’t honor my goodwill or kindness. It’s just that simple. The moment that it starts becoming unhealthy, one-sided or toxic, I’m gone.
Laurie you are not alone. I have had it from childhood also. I never and still don’t feel as if I belong anywhere. Many times I find myself sitting on my patio alone, looking up at the night sky and saying I just want to go home. Why can’t I just go home.
I don’t have the feeling of wanting to “go home”. But I have always had a feeling that something was missing. That there is something more that I need to find to be fulfilled. An emptiness inside. I almost always feel like I want to “run away” and find it. The holy grail of pure joy, happiness, and contentment. Not really that I don’t belong where I am, but that I’m not whole.
This is slightly going off of the subject a little bit [my apologies Mr. Tudor] but I was wondering, do other Empaths ever feel as I do, which is an overwhelming feeling of wanting to ‘Go Home’?
I DO NOT mean in a suicidal sense…….absolutely not…..but in a sense of not quite belonging on this planet.
Yes I know it sounds weird, but I feel so completely different from other people…..am I alone in this or are there others who feel the same?
And I must also stress that it is NOT because of my experience of being married to a Narcissist that has made me feel this way…..I have actually felt like this since childhood.
I felt like I didn’t belong in my family…..I didn’t fit in at school…….I just feel so DIFFERENT to everyone else………and please don’t get me wrong…..I am not saying that I feel different in a superior sense…..but just different as in not really belonging here.
Laurie, I’ve always felt like this too ….. but for me, having discovered narcissism a few years back, I now believe it to be “codependency” –
a void of sorts that exists within, due to being raised by narcissists. But I’m still working on this one…. but yeah definitely different.
HG, may I ask, if, and only if, things don’t work out between you and the SM, how will you know if it is your narcissism at play or if she generally just wasn’t the one for you.
What if your Amanda awaits you 3 girlfriends in (so to speak)… will you push on with this new dynamic and with that in mind, given that you are a Greater and have previously stated that Greaters can go longer without an IPPS, would it not have been better to try the new dynamic out with IPSSs, friends, colleagues etc first, for say a year, before jumping into a full blown “intimate” relationship.
That way you could have monitored required fuel levels better and saved yourself some money into the bargain (joke!).x
Laurie, I don’t know if this is what you are talking about but once in a while I get that alien feeling. It feels like I’m homesick but not knowing where home is. It doesn’t overwhelm me or last very long but it’s very uncomfortable. It hard to explain. Kind of like hitting your funny bone, eww it’s icky feeling but then it’s gone.
Hello Mercy, yes you have got it right…..feeling like an alien who is homesick but who doesn’t know where ‘Home’ is.
Laurie, it use to be frequent when I was young. As an adult it doesn’t happen often but enough that I can identify it. It happened the other day in a place where I’m very comfortable and familiar so homesick isn’t quite the word but it’s very similar. I remember trying to explain it to a good friend and she was confused. I just figured it was me.
Laurie
Narcsite is the only place in the world where people speak empathy fluently. Since childhood, I perceived the world differently from my family. When I was little, I thought I was superior to my mother and the rest of my family, because they couldn’t “see” my POV, so I thought they were all idiots or crazy. Now, I realize that they are narcissists and our realities clashed. This place feels like home.
Laurie
I understand this feeling.
I have always felt this sense of not belonging.
Your not alone.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. I have searched for someone like me for a long time. Someone that could understand how I see the world. The last person was my mentor and she died when I was 11.
There is no doubt in mind you are a Contagion.
Laurie
I have always felt that way. I’m inclined to think our life here is to better our spirit in some way, that it serves a purpose. But I’ve always wanted to just cease existing. To go back to energy and not be a person anymore. The idea of being doomed to live forever in heaven was as horrifying as being doomed to hell. When I learned about reincarnation it terrified me, the idea of having to be born and live again and again and again! I cling to hope that this life might be my last.
Don’t know if this is connected to being an empath, a contagion or just weird, but I’ve never met anyone else who feels this way.
WS, “doomed to live forever in heaven”
Same here, girl, same. Doesn’t sound appealing to me either.
Laurie, most definitely. And I’m glad all of you have answered the same because I am tired of feeling like the weirdo. Oh, that sounds so Radiohead!
I have always felt this way. Like I don’t quite belong here and this is not my home. I Finally found a word for it: saudade. It’s a Portugese word that doesn’t have an equivalent in English.
Yes I have always felt this way also
I did find “Home” once- let’s call it an “enlightenment” experience. If you want to be Home and know you are Home with every fibre of your Being- meditate, read/listen to the “Gurus” as I humourously call them- and , go inward. You’ll return Home upon physical death regardless but if you want to be there in this life, go inward. Make it your one desire.
Home IS you – Your true nature , and it’s available.
It might be a glimpse or an abiding awakening , but it’s available.
DEMBunny
Death brings a freedom one can not imagine. The illusion is shattered.
Laurie,
I could totally relate to that feeling. I love being around people but I just could never fit in anywhere. I can only connect in a shallow level but I find that when I start trusting or really liking someone where I thought my connection is starting to get deeper, it is not the same for that person. And now I am in a foreign country with nobody who knew me when I was growing up. It’s even worse for me. I remember when I was just starting to date my husband (not a narc) and he was expressing his desire to marry me someday. I told him that I’m just not sure is this is my place in this world. And he said that he will make it to be. And he did in so many ways. Now I still don’t fit in, not even here on Narcsite with my fellow empaths. But I feel that I have found a home in my husband and my two little ones. They love the weird me for all I am. 😊💕
Also Laurie, I wanted to ask HG before if Empaths can be Normals but I saw in his article that the empathic traits are wired in our DNA. That makes a lot of sense because I think that my matrinarc’s abuse towards me may have exacerbated my unhealthy empathic traits that narcissists take advantage of, but I have always been more empathic and sensitive than all of my other playmates (cousins) as far as I could remember. I have always been putting myself in other people’s shoes before I was taught about it in school. And even in school, my empathy was much stronger than my classmates. For example, our school has us visit and sleep at the homes of farmers whose land was being taken away from them by greedy wealthy people who helps Spanish titles to them. Our school was trying to teach us empathy and wanting us to see their lifestyle firsthand and we listened to all of their stories about being harassed by the wealthy family. When we went back home, I was still bothered by it and worried about them and wrote letters to the family that I slept with a few months after that whereas my classmates have already moved on. There was nothing that I could do to help them so I actually wished that I could also move on like my classmates because me feeling bad for those farmers was pointless anyway; I couldn’t help them. So yeah, we are aliens here. I also find my home in God. He is, just like me, not of this world. 😊
We both have a positive exterior and an inner turmoil. Empaths feel their turmoil, narc’s evade their turmoil. Ours is from present day and narc’s is from long ago. Ours is from narc’s.
I like the lesson at the end. The whole time I was reading I was thinking that positivity is what gets me through some of the hard stuff. It’s a trait that I like about myself. I still haven’t come up with anything positive from my narc relationship but I have a “positive” attitude that I’ll find something positive to make me feel like I didn’t waste years of my life.
Also it’s the cognitive dissonance. I always remind myself of that.