Tenacious
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
83 thoughts on “Tenacious”
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Just like positivity, tenacity is actually a great character trait. I would love for my kids to have those traits as I think that both of them will help them become resilient in life.
However, these good traits become bad if we exhibit them for the wrong reasons such as trying to hold on or revive a relationship that is toxic, not respectful, and one-sided. We need to apply discernment again with what we are really trying to accomplish and if that is even possible to accomplish when we are being tenacious. The best thing that we need to learn is the character trait of humility that we cannot fix everything and the grace to let go.
Here a bit i of conversation of today, after he startled me badly by unexpectedly knocking at my kichen window..
as i blocked him again after his lying yesterday.
I amost .. i cannot move on.
Me:
i shouldn’t be talking to you anymore.
You know what are you doing..
and it is unacceptable
i feel so sick from your lying and deceit.
its diabolical.
Him :
Ohh, my God!! I want to die!! I am so sorry… I am so sorry!!
It was so wonderful to be together yesterday – I will change, Maria!! I will change – I love you so much!!
Maru
I see a seduction hoover (he is trying to draw you back in), false contrition, pity play (I want to die), future fake (I will change) and he is trying to exploit your love devotee trait: I love you so much!!
Dear Maru,
People don’t change
My weasel said something would happen to him … if I didn’t stay
What a joke ! Talk about guilt trip!
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
What do you think of the term and the concept of “vulnerable” narcissists?
I do not regard it as an applicable concept.
1. Do you think what people mean by that is a kind of “victim narc”
2. or isn’t that kind of person not really a narc at all?
3. Or are people describing someone as “vulnerable” narcissist fooled?
A vulnerable narcissist is a misnomer and has no applicability.
HG
could you fix the typing box for replying to others…. it seems that the writing appears in a single coloumn ..
difficult to read it …
did you spot it ?
I have not seen it as it does not appear that way in the moderation pane but looks normal, although I am not suggesting you are mistaken. Someone else has mentioned it, I shall take a look when I get a moment.
Regarding Maru’s comment on fixing the WordPress typing box:
Can they please put back everyone’s gravatar? Some reason it bothers me seeing blank gray & white boxes with a blank white circle & shoulder figure in it. Anyone who hasn’t changed it from its original WP gravatar to a picture, looks the same as everyone else.
Kel
What do you mean? I see everyone’s pic. Can you not? I’ve asked others and it’s the same for them. You are the only one that looks like a snowman. Hmm…
Thank you for playing gaslight lol.
NarcAngel
Ha, ha, ha! Good real life example!
NA
Grrr. Don’t play with me like that, Lol.
Kel
Haha, sorry. I couldn’t resist teasing and demonstration all in one. You’re a good sport.
Ava101,
I’ve heard of covert narcissists. I’m thinking they are similar to a mid ranger. Narcissists don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable. Who came up with that term?
Sophia:
I have no idea who came up with that term. I hadn’t seen it before, it came up when I googled “narcissist & anxiety / panic attacks” ….
Some seem to think it’s the same as covert narcs, but I never fully understand that term … also “victim” comes up a lot, but also doesn’t quite seem to fit the usual victim narc … It’s confusing.
It’s just … I’m pretty sure by now that my current house mate is a narc, lots of things he does/says remind me of my ex narc, but then again, he is different from others I have known before.
Ava101,
I’d look at the Fuel Matrix posts. You’ll recognize which category your house mate fits into. Once you spot one, you realize how many are around you it seems.
i think that if they are covert narcissists they could fall prey to other narcissists..
perhaps?
Well how about this. I don’t block the narc. It gives him too much pleasure to see me block him. I just ignore him when he gets in touch but he keeps trying. He is now the tenacious one. I started off by replying with no reaction. Then l began criticising and humiliating him each time he gets in touch. It still hasn’t stopped him. This time l have told him directly not to contact me again and that l have no feelings for him. He hasn’t replied so l don’t know if it will work. But why is it that though l have turned on him and cutting him down this time, he doesn’t give up? We seem to get hurt when someone puts us down yet he bounces back each time and has no shame. I thought it would anger him …. So what’s going on here? Any thoughts anyone? Isn’t the narc supposed to be sensitive to criticism ?
So true, all of it. Years wasted trying and trying, blaming myself for each silent treatment. I never got it until I started reading your blog, HG. I am forever grateful.
Not knowing what would upset him, always afraid to rock the boat. His crazy unwarranted jealousy, not even sure if he was jealous or just used that as another control mechanism.
However he is also tenacious. When I pull away he seems to sense it and tries harder. The highs are so high that it’s hard to replicate with anyone else. He is so good at reading me and always acts accordingly.
Hi nfl3…i can relaye to your post 100%!! Intermittent reinforcement. Give and take away. They are masters at it! The highs are really high and whats important to note is its not just psychological its also physiological and there are hormones and chemicals released when we experience those highs. It becomes an addiction. This has helped me go easier on myself when i feel those withdrawals bc i have hope knowing its something thats not just emotional and can be overcome in time. Altho it hurts and is upsetting.
Your point about not knowing if the jealousy was real or a tactic good point. Sometimes theyll throw that into the equation to distract from the real issue much like they do with word salad or to throw you off so you dont really see whats going on in their head.
I blocked him again ..
how many times !!!!!
Yesterday he was lying saying he was on the train to go back to his house ( long story) i sensed a lie.. i asked him to call me on video…
he didn’t of course…
and he had to admit that he wasn’t on the train.. i went really crazy with anger..
not just for that but because after all he was saying that he wasn’t lying !!!!
he does that all the time!
is any of you experiencing the same? that even after they are caught lying they will play the innocent and deny that they are lying?
how????
Why i am still putting up with this hellish deceit??? 😣
HG, why ?
Your emotional thinking is causing you to repeatedly engage to feed your addiction and in turn keep your ET high. This means you are not abiding by logic so you are failing to apply GOSO. You ought to consult with me.
Thank you HG
I need to consult because i am really going insane ..
is just that i am just short of cash at the moment .
Dearest Maru,
He made you luv the “false” him …. that’s why
Hence, why we are all here ….we got sucked in by their lies
It saddens me to hear you are going thru his lying game playing
I caught my “weasel” friend out on his lies … they stand there with the dumbest of looks on their faces, like a 2 year old being caught trying to put their finger in the cats bum hole
They come up with the most ludicrous of excuses
My mother has come up with some classics … you can see them “making it up” on the spot as they go
Please ….read read and reread Mr Tudor….he will set you free
You must ditch him ASAP if not sooner … “letting go” of your “destructive one” is your first step to recovery …. BLOCK HIM
I believe, when you have to question your partner because there’s trust issues ….. it’s over! A real genuine man who loves you, will not give you cause!
You have our full support here precious one …….fire away… until you can afford a consult
It takes time…. as our “emotional thinking” is very strong indeed
Hugs to you lovely one …. you can do this
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you Bubble
i appreciate your words, truly.
I’ve tried to stay away, thinking i had escaped, but i know that inside i was truly wishing that what he was in the first 7 years was the true self…. and that the sudden ugly change was caused by a woman “witch” . etc.. ( i am italian, and we tend to emotionally think those sort of things) .
but i thought that i was the one that he loved (i still have that thought, he planted it into my innermost)
but i am realising now that all that is written about narcissists fits him completely..
He is a greater narc and he is psycologically manipulating me perfectly. He is a master of manipulation.
He is super intelligent and therefore when he acts like a toddler it is all part of his game, to humiliate me, as he knows that i am not stupid, plus i am much much much older than him.
I was married and have grown up kids.
The problem with me is that i am deluded that if i stay in this position and keep on showing him that regardless my knowing what he is( because i’ve told him, and i am challenging him all the time) that he would finally wanted to overcome the traits which are detructive and chose to get on a path which is more constructive.
Its a delusion which i am hanging on.
But i ‘am realising that he will not.
His love bombing it is constant, and the words he uses are very elaborate, to wet my curiosity, and hit the deepest of my soul, as i am a very reflective one.
Its a long story.
He had created a strong bond with me by mirrowing all my beliefs, likes, aspirations, knowledge etc…. like he is me… ( for lack of words right now) and i feel like : how can i break off from myself? Get it?
So when he discarded me ( 4 years ago) he kept me on the shelf with that bond, and that ever presence, which HG talks about.
And it is very difficult to break.
.
He comes to see me when he wants, he hears my preaching, he doesn’t engaged in it as intelligently as i’m expecting, and as we used to do in the first 7 years, he deflects all the time, love bombs me and elaborates in future faking and when i get upset because of that, he gets fuel from it i guess… and has a chance to enraged and blame me, and trample me to the ground.
In doing that he knows that he is keeping me in limbo. And it doesn’t even care that i know, why should he? he keeps me just where he wants me.
He lives with his parents in another city, he has his life, i never know what he is doing or who seeing, he lies to me constantly even about stupid things, and i cannot confronting him with anything of course , he shuts my mouth with saying: i love you, you are my miracle and we will be together.
So i am exasperated with myself that i cannot be strong ( because he knows that in many ways i am stronger than him) and finally say: check mate.
Maru
You may find these articles below helpful. I think your narcissist may be a midrange cerebral, it is unlikely that a Greater would be living at home with his parents, but I could be wrong.
You are in situ and being hoovered. He doesn’t think you are strong; he knows (instinctively) you are an excellent source of fuel and that is why he keeps coming back. Keep reading so you can get your emotional thinking (ET) under control.
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/03/the-golden-rules-of-freedom-no-1-4/
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/14/no-contact-suicide-part-one-9/
Thank you K
Very intetesting what you’ve said .
I will look it on.
Certainly he is very cerebral.
You are welcome Maru
When you have the time, use the search function on the upper right and type: greater or midrange into the search bar and scroll through the articles and read them at your leisure.
Thank you K
You are welcome Maru
It took me a while to figure out which schools my narcissists belonged in, however, there is a Narc Detector consult if you would like a faster result.
Dearest Maru,
Thank you lovely for your kind response
Arhhhhh ….. the irresistible Italian charmer (same with the French)
(I know it well) and a “greater” to boot ….my oh my, Maru
He still lives with his parents ? …interesting ….for a “greater” (how old is this Casanova) ?
Living in another city very rarely works for a starter…you have to work twice as hard
I understand if you’re in it for the sex only, but generally, we females have emotions first, then sex ….not just sex alone (that’s more of a male trait )
They like to boast the bigger the harem, the more macho he is …. I’d say the more poxxed he’s likely to be 🤣
Your emotional attachment will keep you being dangled like a puppet on a string and will restrict you moving forward to find a kind decent man
It never ceases to amaze, me how men flippantly say “I love you”
and next minute, right behind your back they are saying “I love you” to another
It depends on how much you are willing to tolerate
Once you let go …. then you will breathe
A bloody sigh of relief ..trust me !
Hugs to you, ” tiraMaru” …get my meaning 😉
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi lovely Bubbles
He is 31.. a real charmer.
He was the one to court me and seduce me.. i totally losted control.
He took me to Italy a few times, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2014.
I felt adored.
I live in England for many years.
I am not in it for the sex
He has never been that sexual.
Our romance was more spuritual/ intellectual
and a lot of fun.
Of course we were also close physically , but he is not so much into the sexual side.
In 2015 i was discarded…and all that it comes with it.
But continues to see me, love bombing me and hoovering me back when i stay away …
And he still verbal abuse me and gets enraged.
When i read what HG says about himself being a greater narc, it is the image of my narc, and because i am psycologically messed up right now, many times i actually think that my narc is HG !
Are there any of you women that had the same thought?
Luv Tira-Maru 😉
I am not him.
Ha ha ha ha
HG : “I am not him”
Of course not
That was funny. 💙
What would you say could be the reason i think that sometimes?
I am baffled.
Maru
Bingo! He is a cerebral. Quite a few bloggers have asked HG if he is their narc.
There is no way in hell that HG would live at home with his MatriNarc.
Wow K
Thank you
Is it that true HG?
But perhaps if the mother is not a narc maybe even a greater would?
Maru
The fact my ex spoke of his perspective in a way that is similar to HGs left me emotionally thinking he could possibly be in the beginning….almost 3 years ago. HG thou doesn’t “feel” like my ex nor does he sound like him.
The behaviors that make my ex not only a narcissist yet a Greater are similar to HGs, I recognize these as triggers to why I felt he possibly could be (HG) be my ex.
Greaters are unique to the others schools in the way they hold all the traits of each school and why many mistaken the ones they have been entangled with as Greaters…..once a person have experience being with a Greater they stand out from all the others and one can see how aware vs being unaware.
Twilight
Yes precisely
The unique similarity with HG is a trigger and makes me think that way.
Dearest Maru,
Thank you so much for your reply, lovely one, regarding your Greater
My experience was with a mid ranger and we were just friends (that was bad enough)
You will find here, many have endured your pain with a greater as well and can offer huge advice and support
You’re not alone being psychologically messed up
Hang in there beautiful, it takes time, knowledge and discussions…… you have just begun
Mr Tudor will help you
Heartfelt Hugs “Tira- Maru” 🤗
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, “like a 2 year old being caught trying to put their finger in the cats bum hole”: Now THAT’s a simile I’ve never heard before! You’re a riot and a sweetheart. I always enjoy your comments.
Dearest MB,
Awe … thank you beautiful one, that’s so sweet of you to say
There’s never a dull moment in the Bubble household, that’s for sure 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Mr Tudor,
Why thank you
You’re on the ball ⚽️ 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
MB
That was wicked funny! I had a good laugh at Bubble’s comment.
Dear K,
My little munchkin, at the time, actually tried to do it … the look on her face was the “caught in the act, gotcha look”….bit like a narcs 😳
The cat was not impressed 🙀
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles
Ha ha ha…don’t you just love children! Some of my narcissists had that face, too.
Luv K xoxo
K
And by “that face” you mean the cat’s bum I presume.
NarcAngel
Ha ha ha…well since you put it that way, they always did have a shit- eating grin on their faces.
Dearest K,
Isn’t that a narcs permanent look ? 😳
You should hear the story about the poo…. 🤣
Another time perhaps
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Bubbles
Ha ha ha….either that or a Cheshire Cat Grin look.
Looking forward to the Poo story!
Luv K xoxo
Dear K,
I also have an hilarious “football” story
Mr Tudor would get a kick out of it 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Kick out of it – I see what you did there.
No this is the last time!
Grrr! I’m not tenacious. I’m going to stop checking soon.
I really am this time.
X
I consider myself a highly tenacious person. I dont give up easily and can be quite stubborn. I think its important to realise that waiting around for someone to change is futile. You either accept them the way they are and deal with it or you leave. If you stay you keep in mind that at any point you are dispensible and those with npd might as well be from a different planet bc they think wayyyy differently from a normal or empath. Their way of being is so very different and their perspective on life.
I witnessed this today as a huge slap in the face reminder of the magnitude of how different a narcissist operates. It wasnt directly towards me but someone else. They disposed of them and there was no emotion no nothing 🙁 my heart broke for this individual. They were like a piece of trash crumpled and tossed away. The narcissist had no issue at all. It scares me how these sorts are so detached and it makes it so you have to tip toe around them bc they could decide youre no longer valuable to them and you are dragging them down or they want a “change” and youre part of that clean up. Wow.
HG i do hope you start writing more about npd in the workplace and strategies to work around narcissists etc. I know your writings do teach a lot about this but to see it addressed directly in relation to the workplace would be great. I have been implementing a lot of what ive learned here and its helped me to be aware of who to be ultra careful around and to not be so trusting.
Great suggestion. I would love to read more about workplace narcissism and work-related coping strategies, too.
Test … i don’t receive any notifications anymore from word press tried to set it but does not work
Dear Mr Tudor,
https://twitter.com/btsportfootball/status/1098318957495402502
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Ps .. sorry, I should’ve noted this was related to Mr Tudors instagram post …. day at the soccer with man united …. apparently it was the most exciting part of the first quarter🍺 ⚽️
🤣
Man united won 🎉 ..So …. . someone’s pretty pumped up
Oh dear oh dear oh dear!
Dear Mr Tudor,
I know I know I know ..how terrible of me, sooooo soooo sorry
I looked it up …. it’s Manchester City …oops a daisy….I didn’t know there were two Mans aaaaaannnnd you call it football not soccer ….. correct ? In my part of the world we call it soccer!
At least I’m learning
I’m only a mere empath after all 🤣
Sorry Mr Tudor… forgive me 😰… please don’t punish me 😱
They just won, again , so you’ll be in good form and overflowing with fuel ..yes???
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Mr Tudor,
I seriously wondered why 🤔 they were wearing that pretty blue colour ( I thought it was their “away game” colour ) … I “know” MU wear red …. must’ve been having a “seniors grey hair dementia” moment
How am I doing so far, worming my way out this huge blunder
Oh dear oh dear oh dear
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Ps….. I ain’t never gonna forget this one ….boy oh boy oh boy haha
Put the spade down Bubbles and stop digging!
Dear Bubbles,
I really don’t know much about football but I do know there are two main Manchester football clubs: Manchester City and Manchester United.
I think Mr Tudor’s team is Man City because that’s the club that played last week.
Lol.
Breath Mr Tudor, breath.
Lou
Oxygen was administered. Suggesting that HG is the identical twin of James Cordon might be the only thing worse than suggesting he is a Red Devil.
Oh dear, oh dear, I meant breathe , not breath!
NA, yes, oddly enough, he seems to prefer blue sky, ships and roses instead of red devils.
However, I suspect James Corden is much worse than Man United.
Dear NarcAngel,
Haha
Mr Tudor is fully overflowing right now… soooooo, I’m sure he’ll show me “empathy”
I’ve already flagellated myself ……drowning myself in red wine 🍷 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Fucking Cordon. That Labrador
Dear Lou,
Thank you so kindly for your help and assistance
Just goes to show I know “less” about “football”
I’ve just asked for “His” forgiveness
I hope he will be merciful 🤣
(Thank heavens they won)
I luvved your last line …. Breath Mr Tudor, breath. 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Does anybody like Buffy? We really need a vampire slayer.
How many of you have had their narc ask you, if you thought he was a narcissist??
Ava101, he asked me if I thought he was disordered (no, I did not suggest that to him in any way).
Hi ava…ive never had my narc ask but hes thrown that term out there to gauge my reaction. I without a doubt know he knows hes a narc and in fact knew before we even met. He told me when we first met i was an empath. Very chilling looking back at all the red flags.
Oh, wow!, Chihuahuamum!
shesaw: that’s really interesting.
My housemate asked me …. I will tell him what I think after I have left here … he’s just physically threatened me when I just pointed out that he was contradicting himself, so don’t want to know any of his other reactions.
My MMRN told me he thought he was a sociopath. I said, “no, you’re a mid range narcissist because….” I think he was either looking for compliments or he was checking to see just how nieve I am.
Entirely accurate, Sophia.
Good one H.G.
Over the past so many years, I felt like the Jiminy Cricket to Pinocchio the narcissist. The conscience he never had. The conscience that stops him from a temptation that seems right at the time. It took up most of my time.
That the wooden boy turns into a jackass along the way is apropos. I’m not sure about it, but I think I read that negative fuel for them has something to do with reliving their childhood and reconfirms their narcissism? I think I felt like his best friend because I didn’t kiss up to him, I told him the truth. Anyway, he’ll never be a real boy. Realizing that relieves me of my duties. I didn’t like what I’d become around him, negative, always jokingly, matching wit for wit, but still always negative. Our love/hate relationship, with no love left and no purpose.
Yes very true .. I told mine this too! #Jackass
and the same goes for “The Grinch” his heart will not grow 10x its size
I understand. Your honesty is irresistible. 😁
First I love the word tenacious. It’s fun to say. Second this is one of my favorites. I really identify with what you’ve written. I never tried to get the golden period back (never got one to begin with) but I’ll admit I tried everything to make it work. I went back so many times to try a rewrite the ending but nothing worked. I admit defeat.