Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.

What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?

The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.

The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.

The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.

The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.


157 thoughts on “EverPresence”

  1. The photo you used for this post is very telling. Because the narcissist uses the phone and specifically text as a weapon, the mere sight of your phone or the sound of a of a text message coming in creates ever presence and can induce anxiety. The phone is almost a way of shackeking you to them. It’s the portal that transports you into or expels you from their narcissistic world

    1. Lori
      So true. I also felt like I was living within a world inside my phone during that time. The messaging was nonstop for weeks, back and forth. And when they slowed down, every ping on the phone sent my anxiety soaring.

    1. Dear foolme1time ,
      I noticed MB posted a comment on feb 26th “getting out”
      Where is everyone ? It’s been so quiet !
      I’ve been here since 2017….how tragic is that …. 😭🤣
      I just took a sneak peak at “questioning me” 😱😱whoa !!! 917 comments
      I have to be completely strong and confident before I can set myself free ….. however there’s still so much to learn
      I see narcissism at its peak everywhere and I see red flags everywhere
      Everyone to me is a narc until proven innocent
      I like your dialogue about the horses foolme1time 🐴
      It’s lovely to be on a long journey with you and others …. very reassuring as we grow, learn and exchange together …. best therapy ever 😊
      Keep posting gorgeous …. we luv it
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      Ps ….
      Mr Tudor, do you know the update on Tammy ?
      Mr Tudor, for all us “Old Scholars” …..it would be great to give us a quick school report or progress report ..that would be fun ! 😘

    2. FM1T, awww! It’s so sweet that you’ve missed me. I’m around. (kind of) No contact has me distancing myself from tech. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. Feast or famine. Right now, it’s famine. For me and most importantly for Narc. Ha Ha (Bless his little shriveled heart!)

        1. FM1T, Thank you! Yep, he ignored me two times too many. I’m done! I packed up my toys and left his sandbox. His loss. Next time he reaches for the box labeled MB on the shelf, he will realize it’s EMPTY! Keep on shaking it buddy. You’re blocked! 99 Problems (But a narc ain’t one)

          HG, can you record 99 Probs on YT? Please?

          1. MB Good for you! You are absolutely wonderful and don’t need him! You can do this!! It really is his loss! Given up those narc sprinkles might be tough at first, but hey add some sprinkle to your strawberry and shake things up!! 😘😘

          2. FM1T, thank you! I’m not going to lie though, I miss the sprinkles! It just got to the point that the anxiety price I paid was too high. I guess I reached what HG calls the “tipping point”. I told myself it didn’t bother me. And it didn’t. Until it did.

          3. MB I understand, I wish if I were going to attract narcs like I do. I would at least like for one time to attract one that could actually perform the way he claims that he can! 🤦🏼‍♀️

          4. MB
            I keep telling myself the same although I know it does bother me. Not as much as it did before, only a fraction of that… But I know what you’re saying. At some point you know when you’ve had enough. Good for you for Hang in there girl! <3

        1. Thank you WhoCares! I reached the point of fuck you and the horse you rode in on. No offense to the horse!

  2. What is it with narcs that don’t like to BATHE? I read a lot about that on one of my former support forums. WTH?

      1. I was shocked to see how many women on one of the support forums (wallowing holes) complained about this. And their descriptions of their narcs definitely aligned with that of a lesser. I just can’t believe how common FLITH is with this group! 🤮

        1. I’m more shocked at those who accept the lack of hygiene. They may as well slap a sticker on their forehead that says: I accept very little for myself.

          1. NA
            Yes, that too. As if it’s not bad enough that your partner is treating you terribly, but he’s also dirty and disgusting while doing so.

          2. Joanne
            One of my female lessers weighed about 500 pounds (35 stones) and shit and pissed herself while she was drove. I referred to her car as the mobile latrine.

          3. K
            That is insane. You’ve made me wonder now…my stepfather was definitely a narc. I would think of him as a UMR. Now I’m beginning to wonder if he was actually an UL or at the very least had lesser tendencies. He was a very educated man, had an MBA and a good job (until he no longer could hold a job to due alcoholism). But he was a bit of a hoarder. And he became almost filthy and disgusting as the years went by. He definitely had some very disgusting habits. Definitely never a dull moments with these narcs. Ugh.

          4. Joanne
            That behaviour was considered “normal”. I thought it was mental.

            Any school/cadre is capable of hoarding. It could be shoes, yachts, classic cars, cats, junk mail or garbage.

            If your stepfather was very well educated, had a good job and facade then he was either a(n) MMRN or a(n) UMRN. When he lost his job (wounding), it adversely affected his fuel matrix and he may have experienced a fuel crisis. The hoarding was about his need for control and the fuel it could possibly generate by disgusted/shocked family members and the ensuing battles to clean up the mess. Ha ha ha… never a dull moment with these personalities.

            HG Tudor
            OCTOBER 4, 2016 AT 09:08
            Hello Violet, if our fuel goes too low we enter a depressed state. A restlessness which is akin to anxiety is experienced when fuel stocks start to dwindle.

          5. Hilarious NA. Sad but true. At least all the former narcs were nuts over hygiene!

        2. Joanne
          I grew up in filth and squalor. My mother is a(n) LLN. Hoarding and dirty houses are red flags.

          1. Thank you Joanne.
            And, they trash pick too. Always an adventure with the narcissists.

        3. Joanne,
          Disgusting! Clean is a must. Why on earth did they stay?

          I am so sorry to hear your background. That would be so overwhelming and gross. I envision you as the direct opposite. Strong, smart and of course clean! lol Yikes, I take for granted clean is a given.

          When you say “One of my lessers” do you mean people you know or family? There is no way I would get within 100 miles of a latrine mobile!

          So sorry you dealt with this and hope you no longer do.

          1. Thank you FYC,
            I am the direct opposite of my lesser narcissists and avoid them like the plague.

            Ha ha ha…no one should venture near the Mobile Latrine, if they value their sanity. They were family “friends” (appliances) and the one who drove the ML would pull her car into the driveway for cookouts and have piles of food brought to her because it was very difficult for her to get in and out of her car or go up/down stairs.

            Always an adventure with the narcissists!

          2. K, I have never encountered that level of gross behavior (thank God) and hope I never do. Hearing the story is so repulsive. You certainly are the opposite and I have no idea how you managed to thrive so well. You amaze me. You are too strong, intelligent and self-respecting to be related to those disgusting lessers. Perhaps the hospital mistakenly swapped babies at birth, and some neat, clean family has a slob they will never understand😝

          3. Thank you, FYC
            Ha ha ha…clean family has a slob they will never understand; that was funny…ha ha ha.
            Part of the reason why I thrived so well: instinctively I knew to GTFO of the house and stay on the streets where it was safe AND sane. Sometimes, there are no words to describe them. But now I understand the reasons why.

            My motto: slowly, back away from the lessers, then turn around and run as fast as you can.

    1. Interesting, K!

      I have had the opposite experience. With most.
      Extremely clean and possessed of personal hygiene. One thing I liked about certain individuals in fact.

      1. ava101
        Were they lessers? Some of my higher functioning narcissists have picture perfect houses, attractive cars, pools, manicured lawns, etc. That’s facade maintenance.

        1. Where did the incontinent 500 lb lesser come into play? I’d have to roll that one out the car and over a hill.

          1. Claire
            She would offer my empath sister a ride home!!! Ha ha ha…..my sister always declined.

            Two of my morbidly obese female lessers regularly shit/pissed themselves. One would menstruate all over the living room furniture and walk around with a visible log-o-shit in her pants like it was nothing. That was their normal.

            I am going with: sense of entitlement (it’s my party, and I will shit (myself) if I want to), which is linked to lack of accountability and think of the negative fuel that shitting/pissing/menstruating yourself would generate! The facial expressions….shock, disgust, horror! Pee-yew!

          2. Holy shit K. I work with the lowest of the lowest and this display would be an abhorrent anomaly. I think if people get this bad or out of control with behavior they cease being human.

          3. Claire
            Ha ha ha….holy shit is right! One of them hoarded bags of trash-floor to ceiling-so there was a serious mouse infestation and, when they finally cleaned out her home, the Mouse Tapper caught approx. 400 mice.

            The worst local case that I read about was a woman who hid three dead babies in her House of Horrors. I strongly suspect that she was a lesser.

          4. K

            After reading your comments I need therapy…..that is so disgusting

          5. Twilight
            It is very disturbing.

            Dirty hygiene, lice, scabies, public defecation/pissing, needles (heroin), cocaine, alcohol, hookers, putting cigarette butts out on the carpets or furniture and hoarding was “the norm” for me BUT I didn’t think it was normal. That was my environment.

            This falls under Lack of Control Environment (LOCE).

          6. K

            I understand the environment.

            I have walked on both sides of the law and seen shit many here can only imagine. I have been face to face with men who will put a gun to your head and if you think about flinching well let’s just say you don’t have much to worry about, seen woman who whore themselves out for a 50 rock just to escape the hell they are in yet not recognizing the hell it is keeping them in, men and women who can’t even comprehend they still have needles still in their arms, men who traffic more then drugs and those who will slit another’s throat because they get off on the convulsions the woman’s body has as she bleeds out.

            I have seen some of the most vile atrocities man will do onto another and why we need men like HG.

            I pull a weapon out…..one of us is going to the morgue.

            I am slightly angry and may need a consult with you HG.

          7. I look forward to speaking with you as ever Twilight and shall await to hear from you.

          8. HG

            As soon as I am ready, I have a personal issue to deal with first…..

          9. Twilight
            The brutality is breathtaking. Sometimes, there are no words that can explain what we have been through, so we often remain silent, but HG’s blog has effectively translated the horror that each of us have lived so we can understand with complete clarity and, hopefully, move forward.

            One of us is going to the morgue. I understand that completely. My money is on you making it out alive.

          10. K

            So far I have made it out alive….

            My life is boring now in comparison and I am just fine with that.

          11. Twilight
            Boring is fucking beautiful! The library is beautiful because it is so quiet AND the Art Museum is quiet and peaceful so that place is wonderful, too.

          12. K

            I use to live in the library ( I was such a nerd 🤓) and love the museums!!!!

          13. I for real had to assault a family of mice in my garage awhile back. It was horrible. Then my cat carried a dead one into the house. I paid my daughter $25 to clean it up. I didn’t even know the cat could hunt—spoiled house cat that snuck out. Who knew?

          14. Claire
            Ha ha ha…cats are great hunters. Our cat has brought me two snakes, one small rabbit, several birds, a mouse and a vole. It is like living with Puss in Boots.

          15. He turned up missing for a week awhile back—he sneaks out when he can. It was a pet FBI post, flyers, etc. He probably had the time of his life.

          16. K, all of your descriptions bring back so many memories of my childhood lol. It was so hard to be raised by a single parent narc during puberty. I’m so thankful for teachers who bought me sanitary napkins and deodorant and told my mom that I need to start wearing bras because I have been developing earlier than my classmates and the boys were staring at me. Teachers that care are always a blessing. I love teachers. Anyway, now I drive my husband crazy for being extremely clean. He thinks I’m nuts.

            About 3 years ago when I visited my mom I took her with me to a nice hotel so she gets to experience little luxuries like that. I was shocked to see a yellow liquid in the bathtub as I was about to give my son a bath. She fessed up that she peed in the tub because she didn’t want to get an STD from sitting in a toilet that other people have used. Things like that really drive me insane. I’m shocked sometimes that I have never become violent.

          17. You are incredibly bright and lovely MommyPino to have dealt with this. You should be incredibly proud of who you are. I agree about teachers.

          18. MommyPino
            Puberty is a fiasco with narcissists. Your teachers were very kind and I am happy to read that you had their support during your childhood. It is very sad when children don’t get the support that they need during adolescence and many kind teachers are under appreciated.

            Ha ha ha….I don’t think you are nuts at all. I am the opposite of a hoarder (minimalist) and I went through a clean-freak phase after I moved out of my mother’s house but I am more relaxed about housework now.

            Peeing in the tub is definitely a “lesser move”. She reminds me of my mother. I think her fear of getting an STD from the toilet is indicative of paranoia. My mother was VERY paranoid and pulled stunts similar to your mother’s.

            Violence is interesting because it affects each of us in different ways and this is where GPD and LOCE have the biggest impact. This comment re: violence makes sense to me. Violence is about control.

            HG Tudor
            MAY 9, 2019 AT 16:05
            Bullying is negative fuel, but is Challenge Fuel. The response through violence is an attempt to assert control once again.

          19. Thank you Claire. I was blessed to have other people care about me. It’s an inspiration and a good reason to pay it forward. I don’t know where those people who have been my angels are anymore but I hope that they were also blessed for their kindness.

          20. Twilight, you amaze me. I cannot imagine you working in law enforcement and seeing all of what you have in combination with your massive empath abilities. So incredibly draining!! No wonder you are stressed and stretched to the limit. I hope you segue into a different line of work where you can find more peace and joy. Take care, and thank you for service. Sending you much compassion.

        2. Hi K, WordPress didn’t inform me of your response. Glad I went back here to look.

          My mom does have paranoia aside from NPD. That’s actually one reason why I didn’t think that she had NPD because I diagnosed her with paranoia when I took a semester of business psychology and I learned about personality disorders. I didn’t think that NPD applied to her because my psychology class was just an overview on everything and NPD was described there more like the traditional covert narcissists which was different from her because she’s a Victim Narc. It really is brilliant the way HG classified them in schools and cadres. It was perfect. But yeah, she has paranoia too. It was so hard to live with her. Was your mother a Lower Lesser as well? We may have had similar childhood experiences lol. It’s difficult to live with someone that has paranoia. We had to lock everything in multiple ways every time we left the house. If I forgot to lock something that was supposed to be locked I would get in so much trouble. She also believed that people invade our house when we leave so she locked our shampoo and conditioner and food like salt and ketchup etc. We were always home because it’s always so difficult to go anywhere with her.

          Re violence is to control, I think I have long ago given up in trying to control her lol. She’s like a wrecking ball. That’s one of the things that got me convinced that I’m not a Co-D because they also behave to control and controlling people is just something that I have given up on and no desire for because of my experience with my mom. Nobody can control her. She would always defy even in small ways.

          1. mommypino
            No worries. I have missed comments or responded late, too. It can be difficult to keep track of them. My mother and father were both LLNs and my childhood was very violent and your comments remind me of my mother and my childhood because there are similarities. My mother was paranoid and VERY lazy and she would lock me out of the house sometimes or accuse me of doing things that I didn’t do.

            Lessers are giant wrecking balls that plunder, rape and pillage their way through life. I don’t get the CoD vibe from you at all; I think you are a Standard Empath. Your mother will not be controlled, she will manipulate to assert control or withdraw. GOSO is the only way to go.

          2. Gosh K, we really have so many similarities with our family background. And I never thought that I would ever find someone who would have any idea about my situation growing up. That’s why my friends doesn’t really know my whole story, because I never bothered to confide in them. I knew that they will never understand because it’s so whacked. My friends notice that my mom is weird but they are also very polite to not tell me even though I see their faces cringe when my mom said or did something weird in front of them.
            My mom is also extremely lazy and just wanted to stay home and watch TV with me all day. Right now she is causing all kinds of problems with her tuberculosis fiasco. My mom told me on the phone that she will not get sick again because she will make sure that she stays alive for me. She said that I am the reason why she wants to stay alive. My husband told me to tell her to not bother. 😂. She’s so mean to the relatives who have been trying to help her. She just made my oldest alive aunt cry yesterday because she visited my mom and brought grapes because my mom is recovering from TB only for my mom to scream at her and throw the grapes against the wall. I feel bad for them and I told them about my mom but they insist on helping my mom because my mom helped them financially before when my dad was still sending my mom money to support me. They said that there is something good inside of my mom that’s why she helped them before. It is hard to explain to them about the pathology as a lot of them are illiterate and doesn’t even speak English nor have had enough background knowledge to grasp concepts related to the pathology. They are very sweet and simple farmers.
            If my mom has any other means to live or source of money I would totally GOSO but she doesn’t and it feels hypocritical to donate to other people but allow my mom to starve and live on the streets. I agree with WhoCares to not take other people’s burdens but I’m putting my mom as an exception because of her extremely low cognitive abilities and lack of ability to survive on her own. I also know that still love her but not in an emotional way as I’m not allowing myself to be emotional when it comes to her. It’s a different kind of love. It’s inside me but with barbed wire and concrete fences protecting it lol.

            I am very confused about the schools of empaths. I feel that I have a bit of everything. I can relate to the codependent’s inherent attraction to narcissists and ability to soak up so much abuse except for the part of being unable to function or having to be hospitalized in the end. I have never been to the point where I felt broken. I feel that I have this ability in me to recharge myself fast before I get to the point where I am broken. And also I am still unsure what ‘broken’ or ‘malfunctioning’ really means. Is a broken or malfunctioning empath the angry empath who doesn’t want to put up with crap anymore and will now venture in demanding respect so therefore the narc sees them as broken or malfunctioning in terms of being an appliance even though they are not broken or malfunctioning in other areas of themselves that has nothing to do with the narcissist? Or does broken and malfunctioning mean that the empath is really broken and malfunctioning as a person like extremely depressed and suicidal? If the latter is the case, it has never happened to me so that takes me out of the codependent school. But I believe that I have a tendency to be all out when I give. People in my life have said to me throughout my life that I always go above and beyond. My husband has said to me and to his kids that I have done more things for his kids than anyone else ever has. So in that part, I am similar to the codependent because unlike Super Empaths, I tolerated a lot of the abuse and still stayed or allowed myself to get sucked back in multiple times in hopes of a better outcome instead of bidding for an escape. But also unlike the Standard Empaths, my efforts didn’t decline as time went on, in fact my efforts became larger each time I got hoovered back because I was shooting for a better outcome. So my residual benefits and positive fuel provision have actually increased over time until I just decided to do a complete GOSO on my stepdaughters because I have accepted that they will never change and protecting my little kids from their treatment of them is more important than aiming for the realization of my husband’s dream of everybody getting along and holidays full of happy kids (his kids and grandkids together). Actually he has told me lately that he now thinks it’s a wise decision to separate his two families (us and his previous kids) because there is now no stress anymore. Although they still treat him poorly but he has unconditional love for them so he can take it. I also think that I have a Geyser in me that when I am hit I am really emotional about it but I recover so fast after I have a good cry and sleep. That is probably why my efforts or provision of fuel and residual benefits didn’t decline like Standars Empaths or Codependents were described to do because after I recover, I’m back to normal again and also I am not good at holding grudges because of this. Sometimes I get in a fight with people and after I have said my piece and cried about it, they get surprised that I’m back to talking to them again as if nothing happened which I noticed makes them suspicious of my sincerity. Although I’m not exactly like a Geyser either because I’m not histrionic in person. My personality is more reserved and relaxed although I am extrovert that I love talking to people, I am not loud. In a few months I want to do an Empath Detector. It would be interesting to see what will be the result of my answers to the questions in that test.

          3. Also K, sorry to add to that long response. But something that HG wrote bothers me as well about the Super Empath. He said that Super Empaths have a higher integrity than all the other Empaths. I will admit that it offends me (although not enough to not like HG, I’m still a huge fan). Integrity is a huge part of me.

    1. foolme1time
      When did you start posting on narcsite? I can narrow down the search for that comment by using that as a starting point.

      1. K I don’t know what comment you are talking about? I have been following HG since his first post in 2015, however It took me months before I felt comfortable enough to comment. Even now I still have trouble commenting. It always depends on how or if I’m beating myself up on that day! Some days I think I have it all under control and I’m moving forward, other days I bottom out and take two steps backwards.

        1. foolme1time,

          Wow – that’s a long time to be following the blog…and I’m sorry that is the way you feel about commenting. But I identify with it; it took me a long time as well before I felt comfortable commenting and feel very similar to this:

          “Some day I think I have it all under control and I’m moving forward, other days I bottom out and take two steps backwards.”

          I’m glad you are still commenting. And I’ve often wanted to ask you if the horses in your avatar are yours?

          1. Thank you who cares! Yes I have been with HG and the blog from the beginning. I have seen many come and go. Some who have healed and come back to visit once and awhile. This group that is on here now has become my favorite! The support that everyone offers each other is quite wonderful! Sometimes I just like to follow the discussions. No the horses are wild from Assateague Island in Maryland. That is my favorite place in the world to be no matter what the season. I have always loved and admired horses from a very early age. I think perhaps I have reached a point that I now realize I need professional help. I’m just not sure what type. Thank you for your kind words.

          2. Oh FM1T – I’m so envious that you’ve been there…I was also a horse-crazy little girl and remember absolutely loving the books about the Chincoteague ponies on Assateague island..’Misty of Chincoteague’ etc…yeah, I pretty much exhausted the section on horses at the local library when I was a kid.

            Lucky, lucky you!

            I agree with you regarding the current group here…much support, wisdom and sharing – plus plenty of learning on stimulating topics.

            I hope you find the professional help you’re looking for…and keep commenting (or reading at least – that’s what I do when I cannot comment). To be honest I’ve found more help and healing here than any other professional resource available to me.

          3. WhoCares, Chincoteague Island is on the Virginia side. In July they swim the ponies from Assateague to Chincoteague and round them up for an auction. This plus a birth control shot that they give to mares help keep the herds smaller. If I remember correctly it is the fire department in Chincoteague that handle the round up and auction. My love for horses also started as a child. I honestly don’t know about the professional resources for myself? I also think it will be hard to find any that can help me the way HG and the blog has done. But I believe I may have exhausted HGs resources when it comes to me and my issues, which is quite understandable. Choosing the correct professional is where my problem is. I will shut down, lie and tell them what they want to hear, If I so much as sense something is off with them. If I don’t have that connection or trust it will be a waste of time for all. I probably have said more to you today then I have the whole time I’ve been on the blog! 😂

          4. FM1T,

            Yes, I recall the swimming of the horses and auction from the storybooks. You make me want to read them again ♡

            And yes, on the subject of professionals – I hear you. Choosing is difficult – and potentially damaging if not the correct choice…I actually wanted to get off the blog for a bit and seek counseling etc… (I have a counselor but can’t see her until May) however, just the thought of answering the question: “So? What brings you here?” Or “What seems to be the problem?” is extremely off-putting to say the least…

          5. WC I can’t agree with you enough about professionals causing more damage then helping. That is something that is always on my mind. I don’t think I can handle anymore damage at this time. What ever you decide to do, remember we will be right here when and if you decide to come back.

          6. Thank-you FM1T,

            About the blog; it has been a an internal struggle. I love interacting with people here and feel quite close to some.
            Every time I attempt to invest myself in my outer life it is a bit like my experience with the snow…it’s as if I just start to shovel myself out and the snowbanks themselves start falling in to fill the space where I just shoveled and on top of that, fresh snow keeps falling too.

            I can actually handle simple physical tasks, like shoveling snow, quite easily in comparison to exercising my ’emotional muscles.’ In fact, too much of the latter, and I find myself with my feet swooped out from under me (as if hitting a patch of ice) and landing flat on my ass.

            Physical exertion I can recover from fairly easily; emotional exertion utterly depletes and exhausts me. And then it has cognitive repercussions…

            Here on the blog, there is a lovely ‘give and take’ and I think people see it if they interact long enough.

            I feel badly sometimes when I interact here and can’t always follow through on conversations or follow up in a way that honours my own internal expectations – and perhaps outer expectations too. So sometimes that’s why I limit my conversations here…but I always find myself coming back because it is a very unique place to connect with some very unique people.

            Thanks for sharing about the ponies, foolme1time ♡

          7. WhoCares I understand about the snow! The last two months have been awful for me! I think I have it all under control and then wham! I’m down again! Going away from the blog is something I think of doing often. But that is me giving up all hope ( that awful word) I can’t go away from here! To many on here mean so much to me, they have touched my heart. If I can help just one to heal and move forward and not live the way I do then it all will be worth it. Take care dear one! 😘

          8. Foolme1time,

            I hear you; sometimes just the slightest glimmer of hope can keep us going – even if it’s vicariously through another! Keep having hope.
            Take care FM1T and enjoy those ponies when you get to see them!

          9. FM1T,

            Still thinking about your comment…horses are marvelous creatures; how often do you get to visit Assateague Island?

          10. Assateague is only about 3 hours from my home. I try to visit at least 3 or 4 times a year. In fact it is the only place that I visit alone. Every season is different and beautiful. To stand on the beach alone without no one else around in late fall or early winter truly gives you a sense of just how small we really are. To sit and look at the ocean, to see and hear the waves crashing down and then gently rolling in to touch you as a mother touches a small child is really quite beautiful. To look up and see a horse or a small herd walking along the beach coming towards you Is truly a sight to see. It takes you back to a time when things were so much more simpler. Horses to me are magnificent animals. All of the seasons offers its own unique beauty. The spring is the time for birth of the new colts. Summer offers the sight of horses trying to raid campsites for food. Or baskets that are left on the beach by beach goers who have gone off to swim. Summer is the hardest time for them because of the heat and mosquitoes. You can often see them in the early morning or early evening running into the ocean for some relief. I think I kind of went overboard on this. As you can tell it is a place that I find peace.

          11. Foolmeonetime
            I very much appreciated the mental image your words about the ponies painted – especially them pilfering swimmers baskets on the beach. I was one of those weird girls who never cared for horses, but your description of the island was very appealing. Sounds like a very healing place to visit.

          12. Windstorm Thank you. It means so much to me that you could actually get a mental picture of what I was writing about the ponies. You are not weird for not liking horses. Many do not. I could never get my son to ride with me know matter how hard I tried!

          13. Thanks Foolmeonetime,
            I did feel weird in school, though, when all the other girls were horse nuts. They’re just too big for me. Anything that much bigger than me that could kill or maim me makes me leery. Lol!

            I did get some very clear mental images and am glad you have access to such a calming and unique area.

          14. WS maybe you were the one that was not weird! I’ve never thought of them as bigger and able to kill me! I’ve always thought of them as gentle Giants with great sensitivity. Also when you have that much power and control between your legs nothing else seems to compare! 🤣😘

          15. Foolmeonetime
            I had ponies as a child. They did not like being ridden or being saddled and I could feel this. This ruined any joy of riding for me. I have a good friend who is a horse woman and assured me that most horses enjoy being ridden, but I suspect that’s really as opposed to being confined and not ridden.

            I have been kicked and thrown and bitten and felt such obvious negative emotions from various ponies and horses, I just avoid them. I am very glad that you have had positive experiences

          16. Windstorm It is no wonder then that you do not care for them! There was a place behind my Aunties house when I was growing up that always had horses, I would shimmy under the fences any chance I had to be with them. My Mother finally gave up trying to keep me out of there. As I got older the people that lived there moved and the horses were sold. The new family that moved in had a pony which did not have a very nice temperament. I never really cared for it. One fall a young girl that lived up the street went in there. The pony kicked, knocked her to the ground and trampled her. She didn’t make it. So I understand your feelings of avoidance.

          17. Windstorm,

            I was struck by your words on horses because I do feel a truth in them.

            “I have a good friend who is a horse woman and assured me that most horses enjoyed being ridden, but I suspect that’s really as opposed to being confined and not ridden.”

            I never had a horse or pony when I was young but I did love any contact I could have with them. In fact, one summer I mucked out stalls and groomed horses at a riding stable just so I could be around horses and go on free trail rides. I always felt badly about them being saddled and harnessed, so it seemed only fair that I should attempt to learn to ride bareback; when I was done my “chores” I would sneak off to ride the boarder’s horses in the paddock without any tack (except some wore a halter). I had a favourite one: a small grey/white horse with a blue halter named “Huckleberry” …I could more easily get astride him witbout a saddle …I don’t know if he minded but I would always pick him some of the long, lush green grass that grew outside of the overgrazed paddock that was just out of reach of the horses’ teeth. I thought it was a fair exchange.

            I also understand FM1T’s point of view about how it feels to ride such a large animal and the sense of ‘mastery’ that comes with it – and I don’t that in the sense of dominance – but more cooperation. I also worked briefly for a developmental riding program where physically/mentally challenged kids got to ride ponies; it helped them feel ‘confident’ and capable in ways that even other so-called ‘normal’ children did not have access to. Plus, they got to socialize with animals – and even the rhythm of riding a walking horse was calming to them. Although I felt for the ponies – because they had to be very calm and tolerate kids who acted out etc…once I felt bad because one little boy was acting out physically while riding – the poor pony took it out on the only thing within reach: me, because I was leading her. She lunged out and nearly bit me in my stomach. Because the ponies had to learn tolerance for the sake of the program she could not go back to her stall but instead the director had me ride her for a while around the indoor riding ring. I think she and I both were mortified because we (or at least I) kept catching glimpses in the large mirror of us: me with full length adult legs riding a small pony meant for a child…

            Sadly, this was not meant to be my line of work nor the pony’s.

          18. Windstorm,

            “I did feel weird in school, though, when all the other girls were horse nuts. They’re just too big for me. Anything that much bigger than me that could kill or maim me makes me leery.”

            I’m the opposite to you; I love horses & large breed dogs especially because I can easily read their body language. I am less a fan of small breed dogs and cats – although I have come to love cats and understand them much better (and they actually fit my lifestyle lately better than a dog).

            But I dread – absolutely dread – the day that my son asks me if he can have a hamster…or a guinea pig.
            *They* make me leery. Because they are small, have sharp teeth, move fast and I cannot predict their movements or read their body language.
            Seriously – I have tried to make friends, more than once, with guinea pigs and they weren’t having it! I think it’s partly due to their ability to sense my discomfort but I just cannot get past my nervousness when handling them.
            I could, potentially, compromise on a rabbit. …like maybe one of those over-sized, *very chill* rabbits, lol.

          19. WhoCares
            I think you’re better off with a guinea pig than a rabbit. Guinea pigs are very sweet and gentle. The ones you interacted with were probably very afraid of you. Lots of large animals eat guinea pigs. In fact they were first domesticated in the Andes as a food source.

            I had one in my classroom when I taught middle school foreign language (students could only hold her if they spoke to her in French). She never bit anyone, but they will poop EVERYWHERE!

          20. Windstorm,

            Thank-you, lol – I actually may need this most practical advice very soon! As the topic of pets keeps surfacing with my son!!! (Btw – that’s an interesting reward system for learning French!)

          21. Windstorm – I bet you were.

            And I think you still are…I learn much from reading your posts even if I’m not responding to them.

            Especially on how you deal with emotions…I have been torn on what to do when my son sees me sad (and normally I would be better at hiding it from him – just not lately). So because I don’t want him to decide he needs to fix things when he sees me sad (he is a bit of a ‘fixer’, like me, with interpersonal disputes at school) and because I want to shelter him from the effects of adult conflict – I’ve told him that I was just missing our cat (he died this past summer)…now partly, the pet discussion has come up because one; he wants a pet of his *own* and two, because he believes I would feel better if we had a new pet.

            So I was reading the posts on you and your granddaughter and what you said to her about being sad…in effort to try and be honest with my son but not give him reason to think that *he* needs to do something that will make me feel better…because that is the kind of thing my mother would do.

          22. WhoCares
            Your comment that you were trying to shelter your son made me think of Pretzel’s saying, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

            I always was totally honest with my children and never tried to hide anything. But that is more just my nature than necessarily the best thing to do. I realized decades ago that I just don’t see enough levels deep enough to lie well. And I’ve seen too many people try to manipulate loved ones “for their own good” and it go badly. But I also realize that most people think total honesty (though not hurtful honesty) is too simplistic, it works pretty well for me. It certainly uncomplicates life!

            I’d be upfront with your son about the good and bad aspects of each type of pet and tell him your feelings about rodents. He seems a caring, thoughtful boy. Learning to accept other people’s limitations is an important part of life. If you can find a pet you both want, it will enrich both your lives. Best of luck!

          23. Thank-you for that Windstorm ♡

            My son and I did have a brief talk about the responsibility of having a pet. And he went very quiet; so I know he was paying attention. And that seemed to quell the pet discussions…for now 🙂

            I will definitely take your suggestion to heart for when the topic comes up again!

          24. By the way Windstorm, thank-you for providing a suggestion…for some reason I didn’t want to ask you outright (although it has been on my mind)…but it kind of worked it’s way into the conversation.
            So thank-you ♡

          25. WhoCares
            You’re welcome. Always ask anything you want. I may not have an answer, but I do always have an opinion! My Daddy used to say, “Listen to every fool’s advice, then make up your own mind.” I’ve always found that sound!

          26. Rabbits are not a good pet for small children because they are very fragile (especially their backs). I warned one woman at work and she angrily responded that her child was responsible. Got the rabbit and it was animated and then she said it “absorbed their energy” and became quite “chill”. Didn’t try to get away and would stay right by them when released from it’s cage. Turns out the vet told them the rabbit was “chill” because it had a broken back. Likely from being passed around and handled improperly by small children. It had to be put down.

          27. That’s very sad, NarcAngel. Personally i think the best pet for young children is a large, easygoing dog. The kind they can’t really hurt and will be tolerant and protective of them.

          28. Windstorm
            I agree. And you can learn a lot about the child and what needs to be addressed by obseving how the child treats that dog.

          29. NarcAngel
            Very true! And you can use the dog to teach good behavior for human relationships too

          30. Omg NA – that’s horrible…
            But wise advice with regard to young children.

          31. WhoCares I’ve had rabbits, hamsters, etc. but my favorite was a chinchilla! I absolutely adored him! My kids named him Chilly. Lol. We had a German Shepherd at the time who also adored him and would sleep next to his cage. If the cat would try to get on top of the cage at night my dog would chase her off! 😂

          32. FM1T,

            That’s too funny – especially about your German Shepherd!

            I have ‘pet sat’ a pair of Chinchillas with babies! (The babies were so freakin’ adorable.) Also, I have looked after a hedgehog. So, I’ve ruled out Chinchillas and hedgehogs as future pets!

            I can see your life has been full of love for your furry friends ♡

          33. FM1T
            I’m with you there. Animals never let me down. Even when they bit they had reason.

          34. HG
            I anticipated that would be your perspective (biting being necessary sometimes) and understand that. From my perspective though, my behaviour led to the animal having a predictible result. Not usually so in dealing with a narcissist. A good example of differing perspectives?

          35. NarcAngel
            Different topic, but my little 3 yr old granddaughter is reminding me of you today. She’s spent so much time unrepentant in the naughty corner this morning – if she knew how to carve her name, I’m sure she would have! 😄

          36. Windstorm
            Time outs just give us time to plot revenge lol. Better to assert that we (the unrepentant) are unable to perform a task. We will busy ourselves proving you wrong and you’ve got a chore done. Win/win.

          37. NarcAngel
            Ha, ha!

            “But I don’t want come out! I want stay in time out!!” She may be as formidable as her SE mother when she’s grown, but she’s gonna lose today.

          38. Windstorm
            Me: Omg I love her!!
            Also me: Thank god I didn’t have children!

            Thanks for the laugh.

          39. That should of been I am an animal lover and protector! Not I am an animal!! Although my ex would probably disagree with me on that one! 😉

          40. Foolmeonetime
            I’ve raised chinchillas, too. They are very unique animals and do make good pets. And they are very long-lived too.

            I kept chinchillas in my science room when I taught science, as an example of environmental adaptations. A fellow faculty member’s little girl got into my cage after hours and scared one really bad. When they are frightened and something grabs them, their hair falls out so they can escape. But it never grows back in as thick or long as it was before, so I had a weird looking, half naked chinchilla from then on.

          41. Oh HG! 🦚, NA does not have chimps,( I know you were not referring to us?!😡) silly boy! She has a parrot 🦜. He doesn’t drink tea either, he prefers pellegrino with a splash of lime! 🤣🤣🤣.

          42. NA I’m still laughing! Ha ha and I can’t stop! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why but I can just picture HG in a peacock costume strutting around! Ha ha ha ha ! I can’t take it!! I haven’t laughed like this in forever!! My sides hurt! Thank you NA!

          43. WS Ha Ha That made me laugh!! I can just picture that poor hairless chinchilla! 🤣

          44. WS Your class room would of been my favorite place to be! Who needs recess or lunch when you have a room full of chinchillas! 😊

          45. FM1T,

            Thank-you for the description…you certainly did not go overboard. It sounds perfectly magical. I’m happy for you that you that such a special place to recharge and feel at peace..♡

          46. FM1T

            You did not go over board on your description. I took my granddaughter there and she saw a foal that was less then 24 hrs old. She is just as crazy about them as I am.
            I am getting ready to make a trip there again next month, this time alone.

          47. Aww Twilight!!! It is amazing isn’t it?! Have a wonderful time!! My alone time there is my most special time! 🐴

          48. Thank you FM1T

            It seems I need some time away from everything, to be alone with nature. I didn’t think what I had experienced recently had effected me manner it has. More so I didn’t want to acknowledge it did in fact affect me.

            I found solace when I was on the beach the last time I was there. Nothing more then the wind, sky and ocean.

          49. It’s crazy how we ignore things and pretend they don’t effect us. We actually put on the mask! But at the end of the day when it’s just us and that damn mirror, we realize just how much it did effect us! I have some things to take care of here and then I will be heading that way! It’s funny how going back to nature and the beauty of it helps us heal. It helps me put things in perspective, if only for a little while. Have a wonderful journey. I hope you find some peace. Perhaps even a new colt or two?! 😘🐴

          50. “I took my granddaughter there and she saw a foal that was less than 24 hrs old.”

            Twilight – that’s lovely that both you and your granddaughter got to witness that together.

          51. FM1T
            It sounds wonderful and I’m glad you have that place to feed your soul. We should all have such a place. Perhaps we do but we overlook it.

          52. NarcAngel
            I think you’re on to something there. We may not have access to such a unique place as that island, but I do believe we all have access to special places of natural beauty and calm that can feed and replenish our souls. Even in heavily urban areas, there are pockets of nature that pull me to them. We just have to open ourselves to the world around us and recognize them. If nothing else we can always look up to the wind and sky.

          53. Windstorm
            Exactly. There is opportunity everywhere to appreciate what grounds us and makes us feel peace, but we pass it over for things that feed our ego and empty us instead. I see people sitting in a park but surfing facebook, pushing a stroller and telling the toddler to keep up while talking on their phone, experiencing an entire concert through the phone lens by recording it to show others later instead of enjoying the performance, being exhausted from being on vacation because they tried to cram in all that people deem worthy to post on Instagram instead of choosing to immerse in the couple of things they enjoy most. Those are examples of instances where people could use the time to connect and regenerate but choose ego instead. We are always too busy to enjoy what is right in front of us because we are busy pursuing the next thing that is sure to impress others, ensure our acceptance, and make us feel whole. Nsrcissists are not the only ones with a void or ego.

          54. NA that is so true. Most of the time we don’t appreciate what is right in front of us! Nature seems to be the only thing that can hold my attention and keep my mind from going elsewhere.

          55. WhoCares Its taken me all of this time on the blog to find out HGs premier league team!! 😂

          56. Hahaha!


            Hmmm, I wonder – in 3 or 4 years time – what else we will learn about HG?

        2. foolme1time
          I have some time this weekend to search for this comment if you still want me to and I wasn’t sure when you logged on.

          AUGUST 3, 2018 AT 00:34
          Super Xena, and the rest, wasn’t it HG himself who said he has learned that he does not have to be so hateful and destructive ( I don’t remember the exact words he used, where’s k when you need her? Lol) when dealing with his victims since meeting with the Drs and commenting with us on the blog? Isn’t that change?


        3. foolme1time
          Sometimes, it felt like I took twenty steps back for every two forward. Keep reading and reading and don’t stop. Eventually, you will just go keep going forward.

          If you still want me to look up the comment and, if you have a vague recollection of your first post, let me know.

          1. K Thank you. It seems that I sabotage myself with my steps. I believe I take more backwards then forwards. Thank you again K for all you do on here.😘

    2. FM1T
      Me too. My narc is not a lesser but so much of my ever presence is tied up in MY OWN personal items and ideas that now have associations with him. As HG mentioned, “baking a pie” is now a trigger due to ever presence. I didn’t bake a pie but something along those lines… So aggravating.

      1. As an empath, I have strong sentimental attachments. Even purging items of everpresense does not release the memory, sentiment and hope recorded in my heart and mind. But I have found that “exorcising the ghost” can help. In other words, revisiting places or activities you attach memories to may trigger pain at first, but like facing a fear, it removes its power. It places the former memory squarely in the past. It reinforces you survived the pain/loss. This works especially well if a new experience is created instead that is authentically positive or healing.

        We gave true love. Embrace that fact. Be joyful in knowing you had that to give to him. Unfortunately, it was a gift the narc could not treasure nor reciprocate. Not because he chose to, but because he could not and there could be no other outcome. This last part I learned from HG and it can set you free.

        Now (post grief and empowered by what I have learned here) when I see or feel an everpresense trigger (they still surface), I am thankful for the experience. Thankful I gave truly. Thankful for all I learned from my narc. Deeply thankful for HG’s truth-giving and wisdom. Thankful for how it changed me. Thankful it did not continue since the outcome would eventually, enevitably be the same. I am grateful. I am F.R.E.E. And from the heart, I wish my narc the best in life.

        So when you have one of these everpresense moments, know you are getting a big hug from us and be thankful you had so much to give. You have gained far more than any loss. Wishing you much healing.

      2. P.S. I feel I should add that I did not suffer abuse as some have, so that makes it easier to wish someone well. A long ago different narc was far worse and I neither wish him well nor wish him harm because I do not care about him. The opposite of love is apathy. Sometimes that is healing to achieve as well. I forgive all narcs because they came by their personality disorder honestly and not by choice, but I do not condone or dismiss destructive behavior.

  3. Pingback: EverPresence ⋆ NarcTopia | NarcTopia

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