The 7 Sins of the Empath’s Self-Doubt
In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.
- Is it actually my fault?
We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.
- Did I love him enough?
How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.
- Was I wrong to leave?
This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.
- Should I have given him another chance?
Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.
- What if someone else makes him happy?
Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.
- Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have
There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?
- Did I deserve it?
You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?
31 thoughts on “The 7 Sins of the Empath’s Self-Doubt”
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Hg, I have a baby with a malignant, had threats to kill, he has weapons, he wanted her aborted a week before birth, refused to help when she was in intensive care, wouldn’t drive me & baby home from hospital. After much abuse i got a non molostation order, he filed for custody. He constantly tells all that I did this because I want him, which I don’t, yet he wanted us to have another baby next year.
How angry is he going to be that i’ve got a non molostation order on him, he’s been pushing his mother to make contact, even had her on my doorstep, at neighbours houses looking for me, It’s gone quiet now, but the non mol expires in 4 weeks, a day before her 1st birthday.
Hello Elle, the non-molestation order will wound him. This will ignite his fury. How he responds depends on a number of factors which include what school of narcissist he is, what his fuel matrix looks like, how good your no contact regime is. I recommend as a priority you organise a https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/ and a https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ so I can give you detailed assistance and information on this matter. There is more detail to convey to you than a blog comment will allow.
Your article refers only to “he” and “him”. It appears to imply that narcissists are male. This is obviously not true and weakens your article substantially, also making it appear rather sexist and one sided. In my experience narcissistic abuse is just as common the other way around, and not even or at all necessarily between sexual partners. I have witnessed firsthand narcissistic abuse of myself as a male by a female relative, and of another female relative by a female. Some sort of acknowledgement of this would have been good. Or is it your intention to promote the idea that narcissists are specifically male?
I have made it repeatedly clear that narcissists come in both genders, however, it is cumbersome to keep writing” he or she” “him or her” “himself or herself” every time. It does not weaken the article at all. I recommend that you read far more than you have already done and you will see that reference is made to both genders being narcissists.
I actually find it tedious and a distraction when people feel they have to keep making reference to both. The fact you are a male, HG, creates an obvious fact that most of what you write will be from a male perspective. There are enough smatterings in your work of the combination of male and female references that I don’t think writing from one perspective precludes the other. And having read the ‘Disordered’ series, no one could mistake the reality of your in depth knowledge of the female narcissist as well.
Thank you LET, I agree.
No problem, HG.
At least HG , used he/ him, he could of used IT but that is only for Leslie Ha ha
HG , just used him/he as an example. Focusing on the article is far more important than that.
SH: Read the “Royal Narcissist” series and “A Very Performing Narcissist.” Btw, I have suffered from more female works narcs than male romantic narcs. The information works either way, and as someone who’s taught college English, I’m just grateful HG doesn’t make a constant practice of using “they” as the universal pronoun.
Hi SH,
Some articles that might be of interest to you as a starting point. ‘Hoovering by the parental narcissist.’ ‘A very Royal Narcissist 2’ also ‘Matrinarc Knows Best’ .You’re right, narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, colours and creeds and you will come across lots of articles relating specifically to female narcissists as well as the other articles that could refer to both male and female. As HG says, it would be clunky to refer to him / her throughout every article.
As readers we often refer to the narcissist as ‘him’ as most of us are female and many of us found this site whilst entangled in a romantic relationship with a male narcissist. There is a wealth of material here to help you though I hope you take full benefit of it. It’s nice to have a comment posted from a male reader. Welcome SH.
Sorry SH should have said, ‘most commenters are female’ not readers!
Hello HG, if you escaped mid range narcissist because he wasn’t fully commited, he was flirting with others from the very beginning (probably you were his secondary source or candidate for IPPS) and you went no contact and he still tries to hoover you after a year claiming to love you, apologizing for pain he caused, promising that if you take him back it will be heaven and best relationship ever – does he mean it? Does he feel it? Is it possible that if you take him back at this point it will be better than the 1 time?
He means it in the sense that he thinks he means it (because he does not know what he is) but unconsciously he does not and all he is doing is saying and doing what is best to achieve his aims.
He does not feel love.
It will not be better – he is a narcissist. There might be an appearance of “better” but it is not really.
HG,
have you ever done a consultation with a couple? Would you do it?
Yes I have on several occasions,but only where the couple are dealing with someone else who is a narcissist e.g. husband and wife dealing with an ex-spouse or a family member. I will not conduct a consultation involving a couple where one is suspected to be the narcissist
Interesting.
HG that would be very difficult I would think. First of all narcissists well most do not know what they are. If one would be a greater I would assume that would or could be extremely dangerous for the partner who is not a narcissist. Or it could just be a hoax with one acting out the part of a narcissist. Which you would figure out in a heart beat! Now I’m curious, have any couples approached you about a consult with one supposedly being a narcissist. And if so, do you just say no or do you explain why won’t do it. Oh hell HG, what are your reasons for not doing a consult of this type. That would of probably been easier to ask you in the first place! Oh! I do everything the hard way!
That is a very good question FM1T.
@ all narcs are potentially extremely dangerous given the right circumstances.
Research domestic homocides in your country – most of those would probably fall into the lesser school and then a smaller amount in the Mid-Range school.
HG telling the narc that they are a narc in front of the IPPS is pointless and also will signal a loss of control to the narc increasing the risk of the IPPS receiving a malign manipulation
HG, you said, “I will not conduct a consultation involving a couple where one is suspected to be the narcissist.”
Amazing how many marriage counselors and therapists do that ALL of the time, often without recognizing that one of the couple is a narcissist.
What a great way for them to make money–treat the person who can never heal!
Correct.
Hi Lisk, exactly going with the Narcissist for therapy together would be a waste of time. The Narcissist will probably put on a great show for the therapist ,and of she is a women he will try and flirt with her in front of you.
Sounds like Narcx! I never went with him to a couple’s counselor though I tried. He’d push back and say that he’d “been there done that” with his ex-wife and he knows how that goes.
Of course, when he said that, I backed off because I didn’t want to put him through what his mean, terrible ex-wife put him through.
*Yes, I was duped into believing his ex-wife was mean and terrible.
**Did I mention that their marriage counselor was also a sex counselor that he kept seeing on his own for therapy after his divorce?
What a mess!
Lisk, this sounded like a complete disaster. The wife was 100% right. Sex counselor now that is hilarious. Maybe he needed advice on how to keep up!.
This Narc’s always put up such as show and make people believe that they are they victim.
Is there anything you don’t pick up on? I bet if I were an acquaintance and having a bad hair day you would know it and know that I knew it.
Guilty! I have thought all these and still do apart from number 5 now. If someone else can make him happy good luck and fair play to them.. I would actually be happy myself about that.
Test
Flutterbymorpho, NO ONE is guilty for having been manipulated into doubting oneself. Not even you 🙂
I don’t remember feeling guilty because he blamed me for everything. I remember being pissed off most of the time because he would never admit fault. I knew that it wasn’t always my fault and I let him know it. I was very hurt because he never said sorry. Because of previous bad relationships I had (not with narcs) I learned not to basically beg for anything. Or be a slave for anyone. I stayed with my ex narc because I did love him, or who I thought he was. I gave him endless chances to help better our relationship and better himself. I offered to help him many times. But at the end his true colors really shown thru and I couldn’t forget that. I did feel confused about weather I should go back. But after a lot of thought and help from HG (thank you HG) I didn’t and will never return to that idiot.
I think a lot of narcs really under estimate their victims.
“I think a lot of narc really under estimate their victims.”
*This!!!* Very, very true Candace..