Why The Narcissist Views in Black and White Only
We all like to attach labels to people. People do it instinctively in respect of someone who they have just met, someone they have read about, a person they have known for a long time or someone they have seen on television. It is rare for someone to say that they do not have a view or an opinion about someone. Examples might include: –
“He’s a dependable chap, always there when you need him.”
“He’s a funny looking fellow.”
“She is very catty.”
“She is stunning looking.”
“A complete attention seeker.”
“A genius musician.”
“Really annoys me, I don’t know what it is but he does.”
Those are just classifications based on looks and personality. One can classify somebody by race, religion, birthplace, occupation, gender and so much more. Labels are used all the time as people are placed into boxes and compartments. Our kind do the same, but we differ in a fundamental way. We have an instant classification of people which is very straight forward. We will place people into further categories after this initial categorisation often using labels you would not and then we may well attach additional labels similar to the ones you use. What is this initial categorisation? It is simple.
A person is either good or bad. That person is either with us or against us. They either do what we want or they do not. There are no ifs and maybes about these classifications. There is no grey with us when it comes to deciding into which camp someone should be placed. You are either white or black. You cannot be light grey, mid-grey or dark grey. We do not do the middling; it is one or the other. Let me give you some examples of those around me at the current time.
Julia (my boss) – Good
My mother – Bad
Paul (a lieutenant of longstanding) – Good
Andrea (predecessor primary supply) – Bad
Rachael(sister) – Good
Eric (colleague) – Good
Tania (lieutenant) – Good
Lesley (It Girl) – Bad
Elizabeth (litigious former girlfriend) – Bad
Phillip (lieutenant) – Good
Colin (competitor at work) – Bad
Not one of them am I indifferent to. You should be aware that this categorisation is based on my view of them irrespective of their behaviour towards me. Lesley for instance responded to a hoover a little while back and still messages me with pleasant comments from time to time. I play along as I am a far from finished with her but she is a bad person because of what she has done and moreover I know she will be looking for an opportunity to unseat me and seek some form of revenge over me as a consequence of my repeated thwarting of her ambitions. I know her game.
These categorisations are fluid. In fact, they are extremely fluid with some people, usually our intimate partners, especially the Intimate Partner Primary source, but it will apply to secondary sources also (be they intimate, family, colleagues and/or friends). We will switch in an instant from black to white and to black once again. There is no slow change over time, there is no strand of white amidst the black. If you try to bring up the good things that you have done for us when we are attacking you in some way (as you are now viewed as black) you will be challenging us and therefore our first line of defence ( see The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence ) will kick in and we will deny that you ever did any of those things for us – which only confuses you further and is how the gaslighting occurs. Remember, the Lesser and Mid-Range do this always by instinct and does not see the inconsistency or the contrarian behaviour . The Greater does so with some instinct but also calculation and is aware of the contradictions but we do not care.
You may begin as a good person when I wake-up but by breakfast you are a bad person. Sometimes you will be utterly unaware of why your status has altered and it may appear capricious and arbitrary but it is not; you will have done something or failed to do something which has shifted your classification. Most often it is linked to your failure to provide me with fuel and therefore you will be designated a bad person and subjected to treatment in accordance with such a status; devaluation and denigration. Conversely, one can also move from bad to good in the blink of an eye. You won’t necessarily realise why this is, but we do. It is entirely logical to us.
Your status as either white or black is also affected by other movements in our fuel matrix, often ones you have no idea about. Accordingly, you may be busting a gut to please us, thinking you are doing all of the things that we apparently like, allowing us our own way and being compliant but it is not working – you cannot shift from being viewed as black. This is because when you are painted black, everything you do is viewed through that filter. Whereas once we delighted in your status as a board director at a listed company, we now lambast you saying you think more of your job than you do of us. We once praised your signature dish but now we say it is bland and uninspired. This occurs because you have done or not done something, you have been painted a black and furthermore there is someone else in the fuel matrix who is outshining you, they are seen as white and despite your best endeavours to try to return to our favour, you are failing because that white status is ascribed to someone else.
All of a sudden we treat you favourably and you wonder why this has happened, perhaps you did something right for once. It is more to do with someone else behaving in a way so that they become black and therefore in order to maintain contrast (and with it the freshness of the fuel) you become white once again. The difficulty you have is that you often think this shift is because of something you have done, for instance, you bought us tickets to a particular event. Thus, when you find yourself black, you try a similar move to return to white, but for reasons explained above, it fails and you are left bewildered as to why it did not work this time.
As I mentioned once we have classified you as good or bad, we will classify you further, usually linked to the fuel you provide and how under our control you are. After that we will use similar labels to you – an interesting, handsome person and so on. Thus, take Paul my longstanding side kick. He is naturally a good person but I also regard him as a very good source of fuel, a highly reliable source of fuel and completely under my control, loyal and dedicated. My mother is a bad person. Whilst she is a good source of fuel for her emotional outbursts and temper tantrums, she is only fairly reliable. I have little control over her, she is a traitor and scheming to dethrone me, she has no concept of loyalty and is actively plotting against me. Thus whilst she may provide fuel the other factors cause her to be placed in the bad classification. I do not consider her to be grey just because she provides fuel but cannot really be controlled.
Why do we regard people in this manner? Why is it that we cannot take a holistic view of them? For instance, one might suggest that with the ex-girlfriend Lesley that she at one point was loving, dedicated and did much for me. Yes, she became a broken appliance and let me down, she also caused affront to me for which she must be repeatedly punished. She continues to try to be pleasant to me. Do I not look at this myriad of attributes and factors (plus more besides) and place her on some kind of spectrum between good and bad? No I do not. Why?
In order to drive forward and also to defend ourselves it has to be an all or nothing approach. You are viewed as wonderful, amazing, loyal and functioning – therefore we interact with you in a committed and dedicated manner (for instance the love bombing which occurs with regard to those we seduce intimately) so that we are able to extract the maximum amount of fuel and keep you bound to us through the application of benign behaviours. This applies to all appliances – from spouse to lover to friends. Should you wound or challenge us, our self-defence mechanism which is narcissism must provide an absolute defence. To deploy this you cannot be viewed as grey, you cannot be seen in a wish-washy way, you have become the enemy so that all defences can be mobilised with suitable aggression and application to draw fuel to heal the wound or to quash your challenge and assert our superiority once again. This sudden shift from white to black to white again is a necessary device to enable us to function. We cannot do half-measures for if we did, this would result in indecision, a less than total approach and this would lead to reduced fuel, ineffective healing of wounding and partial suppression of challenges and all of that reduces our effectiveness and diminishes our control on the world around us. This then makes us feel worthless, insignificant and unimportant and returns us to a place where we must not ever go again.
This lack of object constancy, the fact we forget all about the good things you have done for us in an instant as you are painted black is bewildering for those who are ensnared by us, but it is entirely necessary for us to function, thrive and survive. The response must be total, it must be instantaneous and it must give us the maximum prospect of success whilst leaving you confused, stunned, bewildered, providing fuel and remaining under our control.
You should have learned by now that because we look at the world through a different lens to you, there are many things that you will do (which you will not be aware about) which cause us to oscillate from regarding you as good to bad and then back to good, often in the space of an hour or less. This is all based on how we perceive your compliance to be. During our seduction of you, you are only ever a good person because you represent that wonderful potent source of positive fuel which we desire. You represent the prospect of an undimmed source unlike the bad person we are devaluing and about to discard. You always respond positively to our overtures, our love-bombing and you give us what we want. Hence you remain a good person. Those who are in our coterie, our lieutenants and those who form our façade remain good people. Challenge us, defy us or even worse see through us and you are challenging our need for superiority and self-worth and you must automatically be designated as a bad person, irrespective of what may have come before, that would create a more complex view. You failed to do what we want; you are a bad person. You then change and do what we want, you become a good person. It is a simple and necessary classification that we utilise.
Accordingly, everything is either good or bad with our kind. Admittedly, though it usually turns ugly as well….
56 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Views in Black and White Only”
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Are some of our kind painted black quickly? I am attracted to your kind but I do not see the attraction both ways. When I step forward in your direction I am painted black often a lot more hastily than others. Has it got anything to do with my many questions?
Firstly, you may believe you are being painted black when you are not. An appliance can be painted black in a short period of time, yes, although if this is in a romantic context you really had to have gone to town in order to be painted black quickly there.
I am …
HG, could you give examples, when in a romantic context the appliance would be painted black immediately?
Any of these?
a) When they ignore the narc? b) When they kindly tell him he’s a narc? c) When they kindly point out their manipulation tactics and don’t react to them? d) When they are not fond of being controlled? Or what would do it? e) Chatting on dating websites because there is no serious relationship yet, but the narc doesn’t like it? f) Leaving the country? g) manipulating the narc and using him a little?
A. Unlikely – the narcissist is in seduction and therefore ignoring once, whilst wounding, would be overcome by the continuing need to seduce.
B. Unlikely – as per A.
C. Unlikely – as per A.
D. This just does not happen.
E. Unlikely – as per A.
F. Depends on whether the narcissist can remain in contact and how long the departure is for.
G. This is unlikely to happen and if it does this is unlikely to cause the appliance being viewed as black.
You have to keep in mind that during seduction it is extremely rare that the victim would do any of these at all and certainly next to never would they do so intentionally. Even if these events happen, they are invariably one-offs and therefore the needs of the seduction enable the narcissist to ‘power through’ the problem. The most likely narcisisst to paint black in such circumstanches and lash out will be Lesser Narcissists.
Thanks for the feedback. I thought you had done the same given my emails weren’t getting answered, plus my posts on your blog hadn’t been showing up. 😆
I was the appliance in one situation, yes, however that appliance was shown much interest and attention so who knows if something more romantic was supposed to come of it? The escape and devaluation occurred soon after this, in that order.
I guess “going to town” is trying to expose someone even when they know all about it and as your kind are, already have it in the bag? Basically none of it worked but due to my speaking out, that’s what got me painted black.
The other one was asking for what was rightfully mine. Just a request, but I didn’t read your blog beforehand so probably asked and forgot attach the flowers.
Thanks HG for the reply.
With Narc1 I asked for what was rightfully mine (a loan contract to be upheld) but I was then blocked on social media but conversation prior to that seemed amicable. Narc2 I proceeded to inform them of what I and other people’s view of them was and instead of getting any feedback, I got the silent treatment, and then a round of abusive devaluation. Narc3, a possible DLS scenario. I guess this was supposed to steer toward the romantic context, yes. I went to others during the bronze period to ask their opinion and also I dropped some truth bombs of my own. Enter the smear campaign and god only knows what else. Did I go to town????
There’s obviously something that puts people off, and yet I do feel akin to the all the traits of the empath, codependent and also have streaks of super and supernova.
One of our many traits that seem similar but used differently, is super sensitivity!
HG, if the narcissist enjoys sarcastic negative banter with someone and has even said that out loud to others in the room, if he gets a lot of fuel and triangulation, and if this woman turns him on to boot, if he’s said he spends more time with her than anyone, and she also gives him feedback and info in general, is she maybe painted white?
Is the narcissist talking to the ‘she’ , is ‘she’ in the room and being spoken about or is ‘she’ being spoken about in such terms but is not there?
She’s interrupted their conversation briefly, and he’s explaining to the other person, while she’s in the room, to hold on a moment because he enjoys doing this with her – sarcastic negative banter
Enjoys doing what with her?
See, I anticipated you replying with that question of enjoys doing what with her, that’s why I typed in Sarcastic negative banter- at the end of my reply to you.
It seems like a black AND white type of relationship. He enjoys it.
Kel
Your interactions with your boss sound like practically any conversation i ever had with my mother! Lol!
I never could tell “playful banter” from hateful sarcasm.
Windstorm, Lol. I told him a few times throughout the years that he reminded me of my mother. Didn’t bother him at all, I think he already knew I was a product of a narcissist mother.
I think it stops being playful banter when you are not permitted to respond.
Actually HG, I think you’re kind of doing the same things he does with she. Plays with her and doesn’t answer her questions. I mean regarding my question about if he enjoys the negative interaction and is attracted to her and also gets triangulation and other fuel, and general info from their banters. Although it appears black, is it possibly white to him, since he enjoys the challenge?
I’m not doing the same thing, Kel. I am trying to understand what you are asking me so I can give you an accurate answer.
On the basis the individual you are referring to is a narcissist when he is sarcastic towards her, that is provocation and she will be painted black because his response is sarcasm which is designed to draw fuel. If he does not answer her questions, either he does not know the answer (depends what he is being asked) or he is deflecting/rolling out a silent treatment and again she is painted black. He is attracted to the negative fuel, not her per se.
If it is playful banter, she is painted white.
Thank you. I think he switches her from black to white to black again often. And I meant attracted to her as in purely sexually as that’s predominantly what’s on his mind, not to her personally, in that it’s just another reason he enjoyed in engaging with her. I think the negative banter has just become their habitual way of communicating, and an easy way for him to get fuel is to be negative with her,?but he’s not wounded.
I do believe in GOSO. Spending time with narcissist’s ruins the rest of my day as they stay on my mind. I’m goso-ing the office within the year.
Not every narcissist affects me, but even the ones I don’t care for always have something up their sleeves, more reason to completely avoid all of them.
People have always chosen me to hangout with, now I understand the weak qualities I had that attracted them. Cannot wait to see what it’s like to spend my time with non-narcisstic people from now on.
Hi kel….it sounds to me like your boss looks at you as a joke and has no respect for you. He minimizes you to other staff and is never straight with you instead is sarcastic and covert in the abuse.
Well hell Chihuahuamum, that was rough! Jk. He’s got a New York/New Jersey way of talking, rough humor for all. I talk to him the same. I’ve never taken him seriously as he presents it as joking. That’s why I said it was playful sarcasm. After eight years of knowing each other, it’s how we communicate now, joking stabs from me and from him. Like he said before, if someone didn’t know us, they’d think we’re married, because of the way we talk. But it’s just what developed through the years from me getting after him for all the bad things he does. I wouldn’t wonder if I might actually be white at times if he seemed genuinely mean. I know more about him than his lieutenants do, and I say anything in the world to him that I don’t think many others ever would and he doesn’t get mad at me. It’s kind of fun really. But I am going to goso this year, and I don’t care anymore about getting after him, so if I don’t confront him or challenge him, I think we can have a white relationship till I leave.
Kel
Is ‘she’ Kel? Asking for a friend lol.
Yes she is Kel regarding her boss, lol. I just don’t like to call him ‘my’ narc anymore.
I knew this from the very begining….but I didn’t know it was the result of a personality disorder. For me he was a great mistery!. Now he’s not anymore…so I’ve lost all my interest and I guess now I’m black for ever…
Would Andrea always be painted black? If I remember rightly, you said you would never bring her back in to the formal relationship after what she did. Is that because she is painted black right now? If you painted her white again would that view point of the formal relationship change?
She is painted black and will remain so. If she became painted white the formal relationship would not resume as I never go back to the Former IPPS and make them the IPPS again.
HG
Every time I read your response in regards with Andrea, I feel nauseous from what I feel off of you.
In my opinion she didn’t just piss you off….the feeling reminds me of when I witness another like you break another’s spirt in a way they never fully recovered.
I am not saying this out of disrespect yet at the seriousness of an Empath deciding they can take on a Greater, my advice is not to unless they have you as an advisor in handling the situation in a manner that will be beneficial for them.
Twilight that is exactly what I was thinking and trying to comment about in another post. Some seem to think a greater and a super empath is a match made in heaven, which is not the case! There taking HG and SM relationship to a whole different level! Not every ( I’d bet there are none) greater is like HG. This is something he has worked on and has the intelligence to do. It’s actually quite frightening.
For some reason, I get the feeling HG never had to work on being a Greater.
Correct.
I see what you are saying, I was talking about the work he was doing on his dynamic.
HG I have read before that you never bring a former IPPS back into the formal relationship again. Have you ever stated a reason? Is it because the fuel wouldn’t be as potent as it was before?
No, the potency is high because they are a Former IPPS.
I do not bring them back into the formal relationship because I do not need to, my needs are catered for more effectively by hoovering for fuel from them.
Thank you HG.
When you hoovered Andrea recently, was she still painted black or was she white during the hoovering?
I will let you work that one out, it is an easy one!
Hi Mercy,
K will probably beat me to it, but HG is Nomadic. There are Anchors, Ping-Pongs, and Nomads. You could probably do a search and find the information explaining the different types.
Thank you MB, that’ll give me something to read this weekend.
You’re welcome Mercy. Hugs!
What did Andrea do? Lol
Bekah B, have a listen: https://youtu.be/WGyYrZ97NFk
The best I can tell, Andrea escaped and implemented no contact. The real question is, what did HG do to make her want to evade him so badly? Hmmmm.
Type in daffodil in the search bar on this blog. X
OMG. That seems so petty! What did Andrea do other than epic, robust NC?!
So many appliance names to keep track of!!
Bekah B
You can read about Andrea in this article.
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/12/the-narcissist-manipulates-lieutenants-and-trait-corruption/
Hey K..
Yes, I did read that article recently.. I don’t know why I didn’t make the connection when I asked the question.. Very interesting.. HG speaks of her as such a traitorous harlot “just” for escaping and implementing a very strong no contact regimen, including moving residences.. He must have not been done with her or secured her replacement yet when she decided to escape.. (i know he did mention having Kim though).. Just goes to show commencing No Contact and very rigidly will severely wound even the Greater of narcissists.. I feel like my MMRN would not care if I took those steps..
Bekah B
It looks like NC really is the best way to get back at the narcissist and take back control. Don’t dwell too much on what your MMRN would think or feel, just go no contact and work on getting your ET under control. Take one day at a time. Read and post your way through your misery. It is hell but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going forward and don’t stop.
HG
Do you have any former girlfriends who are painted white? Is that not typical for a narc?
I do. They shift between black and white, that is typical to our kind.
I hope this desire to always be painted white ultimately goes away 😞
This is what’s called automatic negative thoughts which are part of a collection of common thought disorders. I’m sure the good doctors have told you.
So HG, first attempt at violence again 2 nights ago. I watch him move through all the weird shit in his head, the ego defences, fact twisting, fabrication, yadda yadda. I’m going to figure out how to escape again. He’s been bragging about all his spies and how he tracked me down. I’m listening closely.
This is very true.. The MMRN in my life has stated repeatedly he hates the concept of “in between”, “a little bit of both”, etc.. It’s either all or nothing, this or that, one or the other with him, always.. And I am currently viewed as black to him.. I don’t see that changing for a while..
I won’t be controlled!! And I think he’s realizing that now..
Same here Beckah, my ex always said he is all or nothing. This is why he does not drink.
Hey Michelle..
Is it because if he drinks, he’s going to ensure he gets completely intoxicated?
Hi Beckah, yeah I think so, he used to drink a lot when we met and stopped when our son was a few months old. He said it’s a “dream killer” and that it’s all or nothing for him. X