The Stare
The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.
Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.
- The Stare in Seduction
It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.
At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.
Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.
The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality
In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.
If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.
This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Malice
This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.
This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.
You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.
The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.
- The Stare in the Discard
This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.
- The Stare in the Hoover
The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.
Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.
The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.
51 thoughts on “The Stare”
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HG, I think Dominic West is a narcissist , is he ? Thanks
HG, do people with BPD or other Cluster B have the dead emotionless eyes or is it just Narcissists and Psycopaths ? Thanks
HG, I apreiciate I always have so many questions for you. And I’m really looking forward to all your new work when it comes out. I still love reading each article again plus your replies to other readers always have little snippets of info which I find very interesting to read too.
Something else just occurred to me. To of the Ns I know 100% N one definitely a mid and had was even sectioned for a period of time (I don’t know the story behind it). The other I suspect to be LGN although I don’t know him well enough but it certainly appears that way according to your info in the fuel matrix.
Anyway, I’ve noticed that their eyes are way beyond that of ‘The Stare’ they actually look completely beyond this. I don’t even know how to articulate and convey what I mean. But they look nuts!
Is there something else going on here? Or could they still just be a regular N. Neither apart from one being sectioned have ever done anything ‘off the wall’ which I know of but at the same time I don’t know huge amounts about them.
I cannot state as you have not been able to articulate what you mean.
Hahahahaha I let myself in for that one really.
The closest I can point to it is eyes like Charles Manson.
The eyes of most serial killers are pretty N like. For example Ted Bundy, his eyes from my perspective are fairly typical of an average narc. You wouldn’t expect him to be a serial killer yet id you know ‘the stare’ you would know he is an N/P.
Anywya back to the two I know. Both have eyes like Charles Manson both are successful professionals. The LGN I know little about his history.
The other was sectioned for a period of time but otherwise appears to lead the typical life of your average MMN.
So when they’re eyes are like that of Charles Manson are they likely to pose more danger than your average N. Or could they still be just a typical N?
I will have to go and take a look. With my eyes.
Hmm okay. I’ll add that to my list of things HG doesn’t know the answer to.
Pfttt.
Oh and I got this stare from his Narc mother as well. At the dinner table. I was wondering wtf she was doing, now I know! It was extremely uncomfortable 🥵
HG: This is the closest thing I can find to the seduction phase stare (link is to Google images):
I can’t find the seduction stare replicated anywhere else online.
This is almost exactly what I saw.
What do you think. Accurate?
Inaccurate, Vendetta.
Can I ask what makes it inaccurate?
It doesn’t come close in intensity to what I saw, but the same general thing: looking down, then up at you, and holding your gaze fixed, almos like Hannibal Lecter, but less malevolent. It was predatory, penetrating eyes, but a blank enough expression that you could interpret its meaning any way you wanted to…am guessing most would mistake it for desire.
So tell me what’s wrong with the above link? Closest thing I could find—unless you know of somewhere else I could find a better example?
It does not accord with The Stare, that is why it is inaccurate. I suspect it is because it is slowed down for the purposes of the clip, so it makes the individual look like they are stoned.
This is the most helpful artice I’ve ever read since, just a few months ago, discovering the name for the people I’ve been in relationships with my whole adult life.
I see the cycle now, the pattern—and finally realize it’s my fault for ignoring my gut feeling, the warmings of others, and slowly letting these people in.
Apart from the common thread of being idealized, then devalued and discarded? That gaze, first at the beginning, and then the bone-chilling gaze when the mask slips and you see the whole person, and realize this person doesn’t love you, they effing hate you.
So thank you for this post.
Now…I want revenge. Badly. Tell us how how we can, legally, hurt you.
Because as much as I thank you for this article (and your youtube channel and books), I’m (figuratively) our for blood with you effing people. What does it take to destroy you?
Thank you, I am pleased it has been of assistance to you.
Seeking our destruction is understandable but at this juncture is neither achievable nor sensible for you owing to your high emotional thinking. I can assist you with overcoming this and then moving to revenge at the optimum time and to that end I invite you to organise an audio consultation with me (see the menu bar).
Can’t resist. Will message you.
My “mother” is a psicopapth and her evil stare to me is the most horrifying memorie I have as a child.
The stare in seduction I’ve never experienced before. Ever. The power he had over me with his stare alone. I would have done anything. He said I belonged to him, he owned me as he took me. At the time I thought it was incredibly erotic and it appealed to my submissive side to be his.
Now I know why he did all of this. I’m thankful for the understanding.
The stare in devaluation/discard was pure evil. He sent me a picture because he was giving me the distant silent treatment, that picture put the fear of god in me. Again, the power to control me reaching out to my family and friends for help kept me bound far longer than I should have been.
Once I knew of the power behind the stare, I started to read, to google his behaviour and the rest is history. It certainly was a really intense period of my life. I’m educated now, I have some power of my own!
Drugs. Pure drugs.
HG, if a mid range victim was on your site believing themselves to be an empath, what are the signs that would eventually be seen by you that makes you realise they are actually unknowingly a narcissist ? Could you give an example of one or two things ? Thank you
That’s a great question.
I can usually sniff out a Narc quickly—you can just feel it, I think. After that, the first dead giveaway is zero boundaries, followed by a long list of things you observe and sense.
But I do wonder how they identify us? Do they “sense” us too, the way we do them?
I’m inclined to think that they do it through observation and conversation. Even those of us with strong boundaries who don’t engage can have their boundaries slowly eroded. My guess is they just have to find a vulnerability, and they’re in. Creating a way for you to feel sorry for them seems like another way…
Conjecture though.
HG?
Read Sitting Target
The thing is though, we can’t ‘sense’ it (online) – that’s why we’re here. There’s a definite ‘gut feeling’ in person, but our empathicness chooses to ignore it, because we’re truth seekers and we don’t want to judge people because deep down we refuse to believe anyone can be that evil. And tend to have the notion that we’re all pretty similarly built, emotionally. I’m addicted to criminal psychology documentaries, because of my curious thirst of the ‘unknown’.
My daughter’s father’s eyes are actually very noteworthy.. In the beginning, I was able to see through them and into him, realizing his dissatisfaction with himself.. I’ve always considered him vulnerable and now I understand why..
During our narcissistic dynamic, I have seen many neutrality stares from him.. He looks completely void each and every time.. I’ve never seen the eyes of another human being in real life look as his does when they are neutrally staring.. It’s hard to describe, but very distinctive..
I don’t recall him staring during seduction–the most insight I can give into that type of stare was during the many ongoing times we had sex.. I was actually the one who insisted he look into my eyes during these times and his stare was very seductive and just “dirty”.. Very intoxicating..
I’m almost sure I never witnessed a stare of malice..
I’ve seen a stare post discard before that actually scared me.. It was one of true disgust and I felt very unwanted in that moment.. I also felt he was a sick individual.. There was just something about his eyes that screamed unhealthy and non-human..
And the final stare I received from him was a hoover stare.. It was meant to be one of epiphany, him finally realizing I am “the one”, but it came off really empty, cold, and flat out weird.. Once I looked away, he came to me, stood me up, embraced me, and went on to talk for 25 mins in that embrace.. I believe he didn’t want to look me in the eyes because he knew he was being untrue..
I’ve heard the stare described as “shark eyes” as well. It is unforgettable and frightening, when the stare happens. Love the descriptions and distinctions.
HG, you tell us to not provide fuel by not giving any reactions to the narcissist. Is the ‘neutral stare’ a good face to make when interacting with a narcissist in order to not give fuel?
1. You should always aim to have no interaction at all. Strive for that.
2. If there in interaction, close it down asap – put the phone down, walk away etc.
3. 1+2 are important because your ET rises if you remain thus risking a loss of logic insight. Further it is very hard not to give any fuel at all when physically present with us (you react often before thinking) and this then gives us what we need, encourages the hoovering to continue and thus risks keeping your ET high. Yes, be neutral but it is far better to not be there in the first place or if you are, get out straight away. Do not think a neutral approach is acceptable, it is a matter of absolute last resort.
So correct HG. I have just gone through something similar with my ex, being an extremely emotional person staying neutral is very hard. Without you and the blog I wouldn’t of made it through it! 😊
Thank you so much HG! I always appreciate your answers.
And for what it’s worth: credit where credit is due. Some of us weren’t taken in by that seductive gaze. Some of us met that gaze and stared right back, unblinking and unafraid—with a voice in our heads that said, “This person either want to f*ck me, or is a complete f*ck up.” It was when your type finally broke the gaze and looked away that some of us released the tension in our bodies and let out a secret sigh of relief.
Kudos on the devalue / discard stare, when you see the real person you’re dealing with. The reptilian eyes, the dark, dead, hateful eyes. That one *is* jarring.
Regardless, not all of us are stupid. Some of us weren’t pulled in by that initial, hypnotic/predatory gaze—and we’re also the ones smart enough to never know the Hoover gaze, because we’ve been f*cked once and have enough dignity never to go back.
Vendetta, I love what you said. Great point! I can totally relate and I can say that like you, I was able to resist the seductive stare too. Although I can’t say that it wasn’t pulling me in, it was totally magnetic. But like you said, I had the strength to look away, slow things down and figure out what was wrong before making a decision that I would have totally regretted.
@mommypino : Good job seeing it for what it was and resisting. It’s hard.
I knew what I waned the stare to mean, but also knew that real desire is expressed with a mutual gaze between two people—one person staring the other down is predatory, or an attempt to establish dominance.
The only way I could resist was to stare right back with an equally blank expression. It was the N who finally broke that stare.
Don’t congratulate me too much, though. In case you haven’t noticed the way I lashed out at HG on this thread, I may have resisted the stare, but managed to get fu(ked over anyway.
I wasn’t too happy about it. 🙂
HG If there is someone on the blog that is a narcissist but acting like an empath would you spot that right away, or would it take you awhile?
If they are acting in that way I would not (without other external information) notice immediately, but I would eventually.
Thank you, since most do not know what they are, is it possible a mid range victim may stumble across your blog and actually believe themselves to be an empath? Thank you for replying.
Oh yes. That does happen.
Thank you HG.
I can imagine very well my dear narcissister do that; come here and think she is an empath. Just had a message exchange with her yesterday which confirmed once again her mid-range narcissism. My other sister didn’t believe me when I told her there were big chances our sister was a narc and defended her. I didn’t insist.
And the sex was boring. I guess he liked to pay for his sex. Fool.. I am dam good and Grade A supply, just saying
I got the #3 stare in a restaurant on New Years Day. And yes I felt exactly how you said it! I held back the tears. Then I was threatened with the narc saying he would hang himself if I left him like everyone else did. That’s when I planned my escape and within a week after he ghost me with my car , I had a friend come over and of course my car was at a local bar, he was so messed up on drugs after being at another source for prescription drugs. My car was damaged and of course he had no idea why, I gathered as many belongings from his apartment which I was living at and drove 1000 miles away!
Haven’t seen him since. Scary shit. That’s all I gotta say. Realize now it’s so textbook convert narc. This is my second time engaged to him. Left the ring behind as well. But I have uncovered many masks, he did not like that at all. Oh well!
Thanks H
Sometimes….several creepy posts are made in a row and it makes my skin crawl. Flashbacks of all the stares I’ve gotten in my life from Narc Mom to the present Day. It’s repellant and that’s the point. Well done. But I no longer miss Halloween…
I remember the stare of neutrality from my MRE sister. I remember the feeling of wanting to have a sisterly connection between us so badly because the way that she looked at me when I interacted with her was so devoid of connection or bonding. It felt so empty. It made me long for her to look at me differently where I actually mattered to her as her blood. The neutrality stare is a stare that has no warmth or acknowledgement that you have any value to the person looking at you. It is definitely a red flag to GOSO.
I remember the stare he gave me in bed, having sex. It was blank. There was no passion oozing from him. He was like a dead fish. Tried to moan and look sexy, but it was embarrassingly false.
He was just an empty vessel.
Judging by your school descriptions, H G, I’d say he was a mid-range victim narc. After we had sex, which was crap… he surprised me with even more coldness and turned over, not really wanting to be touched
I can spot the eyes now , I notice it with people in real life and on TV. Now that I can see this which to me is the empty dead emotionless eyes , even if sometimes the eyes are a nice colour, it doesn’t matter, I can see it and I think this is a very useful thing to be able to recognise. When you see a narcissist or psychopath the eyes are so obvious to me now. The only thing i wonder about HG is if this can occur in other mental health problems such as autism etc where emotions can be affected ?? Or is it purely with Cluster B ? Do you know about this at all ? I could never date another narc or psychopath again without knowing pretty much straight away just from the eyes. What’s scary is how many of them are around and i’m not sure i believe the low ratio statistics that are put there as so many are not known about.
It only occurs with us.
What do you think causes the dead eyes because not all Ns have dead eyes?
Is it those with ‘early onset’ or neither rhyme nor reason?
I feel like Narcs don’t have dead eyes are simply mirroring yours.
Wrong.
HG, is it also that “seeing through” us when we talk to you (narcissists) and you are too bored to even care or too preoccupied with your own vital problems to bother about ours (sometimes that happens including in the GP, if we are stubborn enough -something I declare myself guilty of – and insist too much on something you try to ignore or avoid talking about)?
If you “kindly” invited us to vent our spleen (very good expression and one I also find in my language, together with some more, maybe because they are excerpts from universal literature – just guessing on that one)…I couldn’t hold that back from you. Not intended to be mean, just 100% curious (that’s my greatest sin).
That is a different kind of stare, but a valid part of the dynamic so worth mentioning.
That is useful, thank you lisa.