You Hurt – The Narcissist Is Happy : What’s Going on?
Following disengagement from a romantic entanglement with a narcissist the hurt is substantial.
To make matters worse, the narcissist is swanning around happy. Or is he or she actually happy?
What is going on?
Understand how your hurt is more dangerous than you realise and what you can do about it?
Find out what is really going on inside the narcissist – the answer will assist you.
Listen here
194 thoughts on “You Hurt – The Narcissist Is Happy : What’s Going on?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Haha, SP, narc archivist indeed. This blog is also now part of my narc archive.
I started keeping track of everything because he would not let me go. I was going to write to IPPS because I thought it was the only way to end things. The letter is several pages single spaced and details how we met, every date/time encounter, and inside info so she knows it’s true.
I think I started it around the time that I discovered he and IPPS were going to marital counseling. One day he said something about his therapy and I said, have you mentioned me? (Thinking that he was in individual therapy.) No, he said, my wife is right there. lol. You should have seen the look on my face. It was way before I found HG with all the answers (though I knew there was something wrong with MRN). Plus I am so dumb sometimes.
Oh and I told him about the letter to IPPS that I did not post and he STILL couldn’t ‘resist’ me, seductress that I am.
SMH, wow!!! Mine and his wife are going to marital counseling too! Hahaha imagine it’s the same guy, and we both have the same dick pics!
SP, they all follow the same playbook so chances are, they are using the same dick pics! Mine are allegedly from a hotel room in NYC. Yours?
SMH, nah, mine are from his room in town and from his beach house, I can actually see a picture of his wife at the background which is very tasteless. And his hand with the wedding band on which is also tacky, but provides me with stronger evidence of course. I read about your lettter to the IPPS. I am not interested in doing that for obvious reasons, though I thought of sending anonymous dick pics and messages saying I love you I need you blah blah blah, which I’m sure he copies and pastes, to his other IPSS. But then I realized if I wanted to be free I needed something to keep him entertained so she is my sacrificial lamb. It sounds cruel but this is the survival of the fittest and thanks to HG, I’m the fittest in this battle.
SP, That is mighty, mighty tacky! I don’t know why I am shocked at anything anymore. This has been a whole new education for me. Yes, I understand why you are not in a position to tell IPPS. I didn’t either for the whole of the FR but I now think I was saving it for when I really wanted to punish MRN for lying to me at the very beginning. I never ever forgave him.
Post-escape I also once wrote him our own personal erotica. It was bracketed by other literary flairs – that I was rubber, I bend but I don’t break, and he was glass – nothing to grab onto but a pebble could shatter him into a million pieces. When he responded to the erotica and ignored the rest because he didn’t get metaphor or nuance or anything but sex and numbers, and didn’t get that I was making a point about how controlling he was ALL THE TIME, I told him the erotica was a (badly written) joke. Oops. Kidding.
This was all prompted (including telling IPPS) by his hoovers when I asked that we not be in contact. About six weeks into trying the friend route, I was swamped at work and he was sending me nonsensical messages. I gathered that he assumed that I knew he had been away even though he had not told me, because he did not differentiate between me and him. It was osmosis or ESP or maybe he thought I was him in disguise?? I mean this was so much the case that previously I made a joke when he told me where he was moving that I figured I was moving there too because he owned me. (He laughed because he knows this is how he thinks.) And then I once told him how I’d had an out of body experience, that I was him looking at me looking at him (that really happened). He INHABITED me during the FR, but when I made my final escape (fifth or sixth try) I began to differentiate and he could not handle it.
To conclude what must be a difficult narrative for you to follow (though I hope you find it amusing) on my way home after that day of nonsense from him, I said ‘you just want attention’ and sent him a gif of a fat baby Trump with his mouth in that slobbery O dressed in a diaper/nappy and a baby bonnet, with the words ‘I want attention.’ I was cracking up but you’d think I had shot MRN, who gave me my first ever silent treatment. That is when I finally blew and fought back.
So yeah, fit. At least my ego isn’t fragile…
SMH, this kind of scares me a little: “He INHABITED me during the FR.” I have had the feeling many times that he can feel when I’m thinking of him, and I definitely can feel when I’m gonna run into him or when he is at some location. I liked your metaphors, I was tempted to write something for the narc at the beginning but then I realized he was not what I was imagining in my head. In my imagination our story was gonna be full of romance and passion like Lady Chatterley’s Lover or some gothic novel. It was nothing like that. He was, like you describe, just focused on sex sex sex and when he noticed I felt that was not enough he tried to fake some romanticism. But for the most part he was really mechanic and selfish. I escaped and never talked to him again (until last weekend). I noticed he was being cold, so I asked him what was going on, I didn’t like his answer and I simply said “I don’t need this.” End if the story. Hoovers came after and then I blocked him. And that was 9 months ago. I have thought about him a lot but I remember he can’t give me what I was looking for, he doesn’t have it, it’s just my imagination. SMH, if you don’t mind my asking, how is it possible to move to a different country so easily? I travel a lot too, and I wish I could move out of here, but I don’t find it easy at all. I guess my job is not that flexible in that respect.
SP, I have to laugh at your Lady Chatterly comment because I just wrote to Mercy that in my mind, MRN and I were going to be like Francois Mitterand and his secret mistress of 30 some odd years. I think we have imagination/are romantic, and they are very concrete thinkers – mechanical, as you say (though HG has quite the literary flair). I am impressed that you handled yours so well after 9 months NC given the anxiety they provoke in us.
For a long time I thought mine had Aspergers because he did not get nuance and metaphor. He would say that my writing was beautiful but then he’d say it was like Chinese characters. He couldn’t follow my logic but maybe he just wasn’t interested. I have no idea. He is a scientist – not in that profession anymore but very left brained. We had similar humor and could get into grooves for long periods. He was very sweet and present when we were together, but then he’d go into stranger mode, shelve me, etc.
Moving, well, I have two citizenships. MRN might have three. Technically, I am eligible for four, but I don’t need them. MRN and I are also in fields (different ones) that require overseas travel, my son is a few years older than MRN’s oldest and independent (he travels too – he has lived in three countries in the past 18 months). My job does not require me to be physically present for a good chunk of the year – that is also why my situation is so flexible. There is a long backstory and I did raise my son for the most part in a single place because his father was there, but I have otherwise always moved a lot.
Where do you live? (Generally speaking if you do not want to be specific.)
SMH, I have two citizenships as well, and one of them being from Europe allows me to live and work anywhere within the EU. I live in between the USA and Europe but I work in the USA. My job allows me to travel often but I still need to have a stable base so to speak. I’m leaving again soon, it’s funny to read the blog and figure out what time frame people are on depending on the times of the comments.
SP,
Same as me but opposite workplaces. It is the job that really gives me flexibility, however, because even if I only had one citizenship I would still be able to hold the job.
I am getting fatigued and transitioning out of it. Might take a year or two because I have to find a new job and am involved in a few projects in my current job that would be hard to abandon. But I am really fine either way for the next few years.
The time zone thing is weird on this blog, especially as mine changes twice a year! I get the sense that you are on the west coast but I don’t know why I think that. Maybe you mentioned it? I am on the east coast when I am in the US.
SMH, I live in the East coast. And like you, I’m in two or three different time zones twice a year, funny! I wish I lived in London though, I love the city and I have good friends there.
Awe, come visit, SP! We can go on an HG hunt!
SMH, I’ll let you know when I visit London, which I do often. We can walk around expecting to run into HG grocery shopping, inadvertently attracting other kinds of narcs in the meantime with our conjoined empathy.
SP, Please do and please let’s do go on our HG hunt! I had a moment yesterday on a bus when I offered a seat to a man – I couldn’t tell if he was with the elderly woman sitting next to me but I think so and I offered him my seat. He was handsome in a run-down kind of way (definitely not HG), declined but smiled and then couldn’t take his eyes off of me, which is unusual for London, where most men do not look at women at all. This is another reason I like to be in the Americas. I often feel invisible in London because men are so conscious of being ‘sexist.’ I was attracted to MRN in part because he wasn’t British.
Dear Mr Tudor,
…….. have people questioned you about being narcissistic or accused you of being one ?
Thank you
Kind regards
Bubbles xx 😘
They have.
How did you reply to those who’ve accused you of being a narcissist as Bubbles asked? Did it ignite fury or did you just brush it off? Do you recall what you said?
It would ignite fury as it would be delivered as challenge fuel. I just smiled and brushed it off/deflected/rejected the assertion in a charming manner.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thank you for reply
What about those who accused you outright and weren’t swayed by your charm ? What happened there ?
They revised their view.
Dear kel,
Thank you ..that was my next question 😊
Dear Mr Tudor,
“They revised their view ” ?
Sorry, that does not compute…. would you please elaborate
Many thanks
Jeez, this is a really good one, listening to it a second time at work today. Generally, when I am perusing your work, I still find the bits about completely removing the narc from ones mind to be hopelessly aspirational, like obviously I’m here in part because his memory continues to haunt me. But for some reason, I feel like this one got through in some small way? Maybe it’s the longer length, the more conversational, dare I say friendlier tone, or simply the generous amount of content included here in one file / place. Since discovering this blog I’ve been looking for a single piece to share with friends / other victims, and I think I may have found it in this one, so thorough and unsparing as it is. Thank you so much for your work, HG, wishing you a lovely evening
You are welcome.
Brynnstarr
That is the great thing about being here. The more you read, listen, and observe, the greater the chance that you will find the thing that resonates with you and sparks the realization that removing them is possible. There is something for everyone. I’m glad you found something that spoke to you.
Forgot to sub
Does anyone know why all of the sudden I can’t read the comments on HG’s Youtube videos? It says there are 24 on one of them, and it appears I am able to make one, but none show. Never had this issue previous. Thanks.
Just listened to this! I could not listen when it was posted due to lack of headphones nearby. First thing I noticed was HG’s voice. I put myself in the place of an ipps. Imagine this voice saying or whispering pleasantries to you! HG uses inflection in his tone, which is all the more addictive. Then, the same voice will devalue her. So sad.
I have a question. You said the mid and lesser will never be happy due to the daily need to fill the chasm. Since they do not know abou fuel, what would they describe it as, other than ‘restlessness’? Maybe feeling lonely? I just cannot grasp this empty feeling you refer to. How does it feel to them? Bored, lonely?
Jenna, I don’t know from my own experience obviously but I know that my narc called fuel “pleasure” and his emptiness “depression.” He ya actually being treated for depression but I know that’s not his problem and in a way I think he does, too.
Hi Sweetest Perfection,
Thanks for your reply. Do you think it is a type of depression everyone feels at times? Or do you think it’s more than that? If more, then what does it feel like? Is there any way we can try to understand this feeling? Like depression with boredom maybe?
Jenna, I can’t know exactly how he feels but from what he explained it is similar to clinical depression not just feeling sad, he said he felt apathetic and empty and didn’t feel like doing anything. But when I tried to dig deeply he stopped talking about it. Now that I know what he is I don’t care whether he is depressed or bored, I just want him to disappear from my life.
Hi Sweetest Perfection,
Thanks for your reply. I think I might have caused you to think about him when you don’t want to, so I alologize for that. Apathetic is a good word. I can kind of understand that. I think it’s like feeling numb or something. Sad life they live. That’s why HG says they are not nor will ever be happy, but we will! Hang in there. I’m not sure if you are NC or not, but whatever stage you are it, I’m rooting for you! Get him out ASAP!! Thanks again for the discussion.
Hi Jenna, no apologies needed. If you read my other thread with Joanne you will realize you didn’t contribute at all to make me think about him, I am actually quite obsessed at this very moment. But yes I went NC, I actually escaped before devaluation and I’m about to see him after 9 months of not knowing anything from me. I’ll be “televising” my soap opera 😉 wish me luck!
Hi SP,
I just read some of the conversation between you and Joanne. Good luck to you when you see him. Stay strong! You can do this! Let us know what happens!
Aggghhhhh stop writing so quickly! I’ve lost all your comments now!
This was really good, HG. I hope you are right, that the narc will never achieve true happiness. I know that sounds mean but it makes me feel better to believe that I didn’t fail at making him happy – he’s just 100% incapable of it. What a life…. 😣
This is a wonderful recording. Thank you for being the voice of reason for us empaths. I love everything that you said but especially love what you said about our ability to achieve contentment once we recover whereas the narcissists will never have contentment or happiness. They will always eventually find themselves restless and looking for the next fuel. This alone should give us empaths the en our and ability to move on because even though life has been unfair to us in that instance that we were duped or abused by a narcissist, life has still been better to us than to the narc because we still have the ability to be independent and create our own happiness and contentment. We really don’t need anyone.
I also love that you stressed out about how No Contact gives us that freedom to NOT CARE about the narcissist. That is so true. It totally worked for me. I still have some work that I need to do in myself but I’m so happy that I have achieved this neutral feeling or not caring towards the narcissists. You are not free from the bondage of you are still thinking about them in an emotional manner. And this I owe to you and your work. The No Contact approach is your ever presence in my life. The knowledge that you have given about your kind alleviated the guilt which has prevented me from completely going No Contact despite the numerous times that I have disengaged only to be hovered by a false hope. Thank you for that. Now instead of obsessing about them, what they said to me, what I said to them, etc., I can focus on making myself a better and healthier person.
Also in a previous post that I made I have referred to narcissists as assholes, I want to clarify that I did not include you there. I am so happy that you are doing this for us empaths and oftentimes it makes me feel that we have a big brother in you. I don’t mean this to be provocative or offensive but only in a good way, I feel that you’re our friendly psychopath. If there’s Casper the friendly ghost, the empaths have HG the friendly psychopath on our side helping us understand things that would have been impossible for us to truly understand on our own. I have always operated in putting myself in someone’s shoes when I try to understand people. With how different the narcissists are from me no wonder I couldn’t understand them.
Thank you.
mommypino
You are so sweet 🤗 and your comments are right on.
HG the friendly psycho.
I love it. Lol.
And I mean it will all of the warm fuzzy feelings that he doesn’t like lol.
Love this format, HG. Fantastic article and very timely in my case. I have the Middle Lesser Victim Narc who has the NIPS. In previous articles you have written that a Narc of this school and cadre usually has one IPSS at a time. Am I correct that this article is just as relevant to my situation? I am so grateful!!!
The narcs. I’ve been enganched with is a greater. I guess there’s no consolation for me then…?
Your voice is damn sexy…!
Would these rules apply for what ever you were to the narcissist HG! Be it dls, ss, ipss, iss?
Yes.
All just a big facade. Anytime someone can move on so quickly youve got to know they had that person in the wings long in advance and if they didnt they grabbed onto the nearest rebound to flaunt “how happy” they are.
Ive seen this recently where two narcissists discarded one another. Infidelity was involved. Both had someone right away. The one had their new love interest in the wings for awhile while the other chose theirs as im geussing a rebound. Both are flaunting how happy they are but knowing what i do about npd i know its not true happiness. True happiness isnt built on cheating and lies. Its very flimsy the foundation and will soon crumble. The cushy trips and flaunting are all part of the love bombing and facade as well as trying to stick it to the other person what theyve so called “lost”. All you lost was a liar who never loved you. Love doesnt move on like that.
Chihuahuamum,
I like how you mention them flaunting how ‘happy’ they are. After a day with the narcissist at work, I sent him a text and just decided to be honest that I did not want him yelling at me or hear anything criticizing me or have any more negative talking with him. I said I’m making money, bikini ready, dating this month, and that I didn’t expect to impress him with that. Basically I never want to talk to him again. The next morning he did something unusual, he usually doesn’t take pics and post them on our company FB , but he did of a new young manager giving a meeting, hoping I’m sure that her short skirt would wound, and saying he was feeling happy, which he never says, in his comment and on all three pics. My first thought was, you don’t know what happy is, and I wasn’t phased and couldn’t care less. I have no suspicions. I also know another of his managers/victim is there to worry about that.
I don’t think he even tries to “look happy” I had a few days of it but mostly like you describe…bronze period and trying to keep the beast in check. I think that’s why he was always coming back to me. I put up with it.
I truly wonder what this Golden period looks and feels like. It seems like it’s more of a greater thing.
Sophia
I wonder about that too. I think the golden period and I mean the over the top ones are only with a certain type of narcissist and I actually wonder if it’s more of a psychopath thing than your common average narc. Respite periods when they reign in the behaviour when they sense you’ve had enough is not the same in my mind as this so called love bombing big seduction that seems to occur with some people. I’ve just been watching the documentary about John Meehan and also watched the drama series about him Dirty John. Unbelievably accurate regarding HG’s teachings but I can’t help beginning to think some of these behaviours are actually psychopaths and I wonder just how many of us were actually involved with them and not just narcissists !!!!!
Narcissists deploy golden periods (bronze in the case of LL and LM). Of course, some periods are more golden than others.
Yeah I understand HG, but i’m just wondering, do you think the over the top quick seductions could be a sign of a psychopath ?
Not in themselves, no.
Not even if they have an axe in their pocket !!
Dear Mr Tudor,
Your golden period is golder than gold
May I enquire into the circumstances of the lovely orchids you just gave lady L from your Instagram piccie
Many thanks
Luv Bubbles 😘
Somebody grew them. I purchased them from a florist.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Haha
I meant, what was the reason, occasion, achievement you gave her orchids
Many thanks
It was work-related.
Do you know how many times I have walked into a relationship eyes wide closed!! 🤦🏼♀️ it’s know wonder I beat myself up all the time!! Now I’m not in a good mood anymore! Goodnight all!
I pushed myself to overcome the darkness of your voice and listened to this. The motorcycle in the background provided some weird light to your dark waves. This will be my new mantra from now on: “You have been made persona non grata by the narcissist; return the favor.” I can’t express how lucky I feel right now for having found your work, I would have probably allowed myself to be abused ad infinitum under the false pretense of keeping “a friend.” THANK YOU.
SP
That is a great line – return the favor!
And what you said yourself is exactly what I have been doing – “allowing myself to be abused ad infinitum under the false pretense of keeping “a friend.'” God help me, I need to GET REAL.
Joanne, I made a mental list of the things he had done for me as a friend and the things I consider to be traits in a good friend, and he failed miserably. I’m going to enter his first sphere of influence this weekend, very possibly he is going to pretend he doesn’t know me and I’ll do the same. But if he comes with this BS of “let’s try to save our friendship,” I already know my answer.
SP
I can say the same for mine – the list would pretty much be a blank page!
Good luck this weekend! Is this the same event you’d mentioned a couple months ago, or are you having to see him at events on an ongoing basis? How sick is he to pretend he doesn’t know you?! These childish games are just so unbelievable to me. I can’t believe I partake in them myself in my own interactions with him. Beyond immature and ridiculous. And regarding this weekend, you almost really need to be prepared for anything – being ignored, being hoovered, everything in between. Just exhausting. I wish you the best. Walk in there with your head up, chest out and smile like you’re having the time of your life! You know have all the tools and are armed with knowledge for defense. Please let us know how it goes!
Joanne, yes, it’s that event. I could virtually run into him anywhere in town but so far I’ve managed to avoid him. This professional event is once a year only and it’s going to be super beneficial for my career so I couldn’t refuse to attend. I know so far he’s going with at least two other IPSSs he has been involved with (or still is). Out of all of them I think I’m the only one who went NC and figured him out, thanks to HG, of course. I am about to get on my plane and I feel super anxious. As you said, anything could happen. I have a feeling he will ignore me because he is a MR and he withdrew miserably when I told him I didn’t need him anymore. But maybe he will try to pretend we are still friends. I doubt he will try to hoover, the hover criteria is extremely high and he has other supplies around so he doesn’t need to. I’ll keep you all informed, take this as a little live experiment.
Shield up Sweet P. Shield up. You can do this. Don’t get sucked into his drama. The focus is on furthering your career and not him, so don’t let him shift that focus or derail your goal with his childish drama. Think of him as a bug on the windshield. There, but not obstructing the larger view.
NA
Thank you, NA. I’ll remember the image and think of him as the roach he is.
I meant the hoover bar. Haha I fuck it up every time I try to speak in HG’s terms.
Oh Joanne, forgot to mention: at least I have killer stilettos to wear to 1) feel confident 2) use as a weapon in an emergency 😛 Thanks for the support, I definitely need it 😘
SP
👠 to complete your arsenal! Perfect!
Have a safe flight! I’m sure you’re anxious – I would be! But come what may, you’ll be fine. You sound very strong now. Stay focused on what you’re there to do. It’ll be a blessing if he ignores you! You’ve got this 💪🏼💪🏼🤗
Update: we just crossed paths. He looked at me and I looked to the side and ignored him. He did the same.
SP
You have been on my mind! How are you feeling? Was your heart racing? Is that it for the event or does it last all weekend?
Regardless, I hope the event was fruitful for you and your career and you made a ton of good connections and networking. I’m sure you looked hot in your 👠😘
Dear Jenna and Joanne, thanks so much for thinking of me. I broke NC yesterday and I don’t feel bad about it for the reasons I will explain. After we ran into each other in the morning I didn’t feel nervous, I felt a tremendous sadness. I know he doesn’t care (although he was probably wounded by my ignoring him). But I couldn’t stop thinking that I couldn’t act like I didn’t know him at all (which in reality it’s true but you know what I mean) after having known him for over 10 years. Also, we do have friends in common and colleagues in common and my husband is connected to him on Facebook so it’s not that easy to pretend I don’t know him. After the work meetings I went to have lunch with a good friend who is at this event too, and when we were walking down the street I saw him walking in our direction by himself. In 10 seconds I had to decide whether to repeat the same or to say hi and I simple said “hey.” Without any smiling or eye contact. We both stopped and then he gave me a very strong hug and said “It’s good to see you!” and, without looking at him, I answered “you too.” And kept on walking with my friend. Now, to me, THIS IS what I needed for closure. It is my way of getting peace of mind and telling myself: I don’t hate you, I’m not gonna pretend you don’t exist, but I will be here from now on and you will be there. There is no war in my mind, there’s nothing. Over.
Of course we know maybe he took this as a sign that I’m still available blah blah but he’s still blocked and can’t call me or text me etc so to me nothing has changed, except for the fact that we are civil in public. Maybe he would have been an ass if I wasn’t with my male friend, that kind of helped and I loved that I was with another guy when that happened and he was alone. And I was wearing my stilettos 👠
SP, that is how my closure happened too – with him hugging me. Twice! We were alone, I stiffened up and he left. That was that (well, not entirely, but that was the last time we saw each other).
I am happy for you that the event was also a career success! Sounds like you are on your way. Well done!
Thank you, SMH! Yes, I was stiff too. He tried an old trick on me, we used to laugh because I always complained that he hugged me too strongly and one day he smashed my boop. He tried the same but this time I didn’t react at all. I just turned around and kept walking.
Funny SP but both times mine hugged me (fully dressed, standing up) were after we had disengaged or I had escaped. He otherwise could only show affection sexually.
He once said out of the blue that I had kissed him first after a long break (or maybe not so long, I don’t remember). But that day, I made sure to wait and not do anything because I wanted ‘proof.’ He actually kissed me first! We both wanted proof that it was the other’s ‘fault.’
SMH, hey, I was fully dressed too when he smashed my boop! Haha. I love the ridiculous, puerile arguments: “you kissed me first” “no I didnt” etc. In the end it’s like dealing with a child.
SP, Yep, like dealing with a six year old. I remember that day so clearly because I was incredulous yet again. I hadn’t said anything, all was well, and then ‘you kissed me first’ popped out of his mouth. True I was also focused on who kissed who first but I wasn’t the one cheating on my partner. He wanted to twist things so that he could blame me for ‘seducing’ him. He would say things like ‘I don’t think any man could resist you,’ as if I were the one who ensnared him. He took no responsibility for me or for anything. He had it all ass backwards.
SMH, yeah, to refuse any blame or accountability. Mine said things like “omg you are so gorgeous how can I resist you now?!,” but he probably doesn’t know I saved the message in which he confessed he had a crush for me and he needed to let it out after so long. Actually, I have the entire relationship in saved messages. I’m like K, the narc archivist 😊
Sweetest Perfection
Ha ha ha…saved messages are very useful when you start to doubt your reality. You can pull them up and reread them and realize you are not the crazy one. It wards off the gaslighting effect.
K, can you believe I started saving them to go over the beautiful things he said about me (well, mostly about my body) and remember them, and as time passed by I used them exactly for the opposite, to remind myself of what an asshole he was? Perspective, perspective…
SP and K, when MRN was trying to get me back into the FR for the last time (my final escape), I asked him what he liked about me because I couldn’t figure out why he would devalue me all the time and then be so persistent and desperate to get me back. He responded by naming body parts and then added that he also loved talking to me. I am not sure of that last bit but after I escaped he wanted to talk to me ALL THE TIME and about stuff he had never talked to me about before. I started to feel like his mother (or his alt-wife, as I labeled it then) rather than his lover (or ex lover) so I am not sure which I preferred – the carnal or the cerebral! In some ways it was certainly easier when I knew exactly what he wanted.
SMH
It is interesting to see how you and SP had been reduced to body parts, I think that’s the epitome of objectification. That last bit was a seduction hoover to try and draw you back into the FR and feeling like his mother or alt-wife could be part of the Madonna/Whore complex. Their push/ pull behaviour can make it difficult to figure them out and that’s why I love NC; no more crazy making bahaviour to deal with.
K, yes. All I got from him was “You are so gorgeous,” “you are a goddess,” “You are so so hot,” “you are so fucking beautiful,” and the best: “I always thought you had perfect tits,” like, seriously? Have you been looking at my tits all this time that we were friends??? So at the beginning, that was flattering; but after a while I complained and asked if that was the only thing he liked in me (also because we both have a job in which you have to use your brain a lot, meaning, I’m not just a piece of ass). And then he said something like “not to speak or your wit and your sense of humor,” which sounded totally like something he could use for anyone and everyone, as he probably did. Being a somatic (I think) he only cared about my looks, if he cared about anything at all of course.
SP, Mine was wild about my tits too. lol. I have to laugh because it sounds so similar, though I don’t classify mine as a somatic. But as I said earlier, they all use the same playbook. Many times I’ve been on here and two of us have wondered if we were with the same guy.
I agree it is objectification, K, and the last bit might have been a seduction hoover since he would interject sexual comments (and I would leave the conversation). However, he was not a somatic like SPs narc and I do believe he also appreciated my brain. Had he wanted someone without one, he could have easily found her. In fact, it all rather confused me because he is superficially quite the catch for a lot of women. He’s got the money and the looks. He’s what I would call a babe magnet. But he is also incredibly smart and easily bored. We were well matched but he couldn’t reconcile the fact that a woman could hold his interest intellectually and be a good lover to him too. So yes, I was mostly the Whore while IPPS (or his mother) was the Madonna.
It is all about perspective Sweetest Perfection. Do whatever works to remind you of what he really is, because that will keep you safe.
SP
Also wanted to add: great job on maintaining the blocks. I think after that encounter I’d have been tempted to unblock “just to see” if he’d attempt to contact me. You managed it all like a pro!💪🏼👠
I felt tempted too, Joanne. I actually tried to unblock him on WhatsApp just to see if he had blocked me -he’s been blocked there since June-but thankfully my phone was on airplane mode as I was flying and the app needs internet to work. That was a good call of attention to remind me not to try to do that ever again.
SP
The universe was looking out for you! I’m sure that by the time you were back online you’d come back to your good senses! 💪🏼
Joanne, yes, I changed my mind automatically no worries. I have something very juicy for you all and I think you will enjoy it: I have been invited to a professional event internationally and they have given me the opportunity to choose the date of my participation. I chose his birthday. That way I will be out of the country and won’t be bothered by my being invited or non invited to his celebration this year. 😎
SP
How exciting! Congrats on this cool opportunity! The fact that it aligns with his birthday date meaning you’ll be occupied doing something completely for yourself is just the icing on the cake! Awesome!
I love that, SP, also that you got that invuite. Way to go! I was out of the country when MRN finally moved. It wasn’t by choice but it happened that way and I am so glad it did.
Hi SP!
Congrats on the gold medal!! That is something to celebrate! When you earlier saw the narc, it was from across the room, so turning away was appropriate. This situation needed a different response, and your response was absolutely fitting. You handled it well. I am glad you feel you achieved closure. In his mind, he’s probably thinking ‘why is she with a man? Wow she looks good’. Love the choice of red stilettos! You may feel very emotional for the next few wks, and even doubt if you felt closure after all (that’s what happened to me) but always remember that you did feel it, so you have it in you to feel it again and again (the closure). Btw, he’s probably jealous of your career success, as all narcs feel envy to the nth degree.
Jenna, I’m more inclined to think he wasn’t thinking about me at all. I doubt he cared I was with a man. I also doubt he considers this closure or not. But what he feels or thinks is of little relevance here; I did what I did for myself only, so that if I run into him with my husband we at least have a precedent to keep appearances. I hope after this I stop receiving spoof phone calls, we’ll see.
Hi SP,
Good for you! And that’s what I meant – that you achieved your closure! Narcs are not capable of it in my opinion because they delete people all the time, so they require no closure, being the heartless beings that they are. Spoof phone calls? I have not followed your story since I was away for several months post disengagement/ghosting, but omg are you serious?!!! The lengths they will go to… Hopefully the phone calls will stop! Hang in there and continued healing to you Sweetest🌸! And thanks for the live narc action on the weekend! (I used to post alot of live narc action hence K came up with the term😂)
Yep, Jenna, they used to be constant especially post-escape, sometimes with fake telephone numbers, sometimes anonymous, sometimes leaving empty voice messages or breathing messages (lol), and sometimes calling at odd hours like 4 in the morning (I know he stays up until 5-6, from experience interacting with him online when we were entangled). A couple of days prior to this event I got a few again. I never never answer. I could change my number but they don’t really bother me because my phone is always on silence mode.
Hi SP,
‘Breathing messages’
ROFL!!!
Joanne, I forgot to mention the event has been a career success for me. I can’t specify why but I am going back home with a “gold medal,” wonderful future plans and great connections. It’s been extremely hard to stay here by myself under the circumstances but I make friends easily; I was intimidated by two very renowned people would be attending a presentation I had to give and we ended up having cocktails last night and laughing, and discussing our future collaborations. Narc, what narc????
SweetP
That’s what I’m talkin bout. Raising a glass to your ongoing career success! (It’s orange juice but it still counts).
Thank you, Joanne and NA! 😘😘
SP
I am so happy to hear your updates and so pleased that the event was a huge success. Congrats on your “gold medal” achievement! I hope the narc got to see that and ate his heart out! 👊🏼
You seemed to handle the narc encounter very well, too. What a perfect way to confront it, you weren’t alone, but HE was, plus you were with a male which is extra points for you. So petty but in narcland these things matter! I think you did the right thing, and handled it maturely and professionally, and showed him little to no emotion while doing it. Well done! I also agree on the closure part. It’s small, but being able to approach and acknowledge, and essentially saying “hi and goodbye” and nothing more is huge. Ignoring him probably would’ve left you going home with even more tension inside. You took the high road, confronted it and now you can exhale. No regrets, no “what if’s.” A big win all around💪🏼💪🏼 🤗
Hi SP,
Live narc action as K says! You can do this! Hang in there and keep ignoring him!
SP, glad you made it through that!
I hear you SP and Joanne. When MRN and I were in the friend-zone post escape, I thought to myself, ‘would a friend do that?.’ They become like the ‘friend’ who irritates you and expects you to be there for every little drama in their life but never reciprocates. Who needs it?
I have been on cloud 9 for the past few months – like euphoric. It is the first time in years I have been where I am without MRN lurking around and I have finally reclaimed my life, my space, my city, even my flat. You will get there too.
Good luck this weekend, SP!
SMH, thanks and “the ‘friend’ who irritates you and expects you to be there for every little drama in their life but never reciprocates,” yep, that’s him!
Jenna
Ha ha ha….live narc action is the best. It is online field work and we can all learn from it.
SP. I know this is a very old thread but reading your story really helped me today. I have to see my narc for a work thing coming up soon as well. I am so nervous about it and keep being scared I am not going to react “correctly” I keep reminding myself this is someone who is trying to hurt me… I have the right to ignore him… and will do my best. But your story reminds me I can survive it.
Remain focused on something else, don’t look at him directly, answer briefly and without emotion, and even better, if you are able to do it, don’t even acknowledge he exists. I’ll be thinking of you!!! 😘
Oh! And more importantly, empath007: no matter what happens, what he looked like, whether he tried to be nice or whether he was mean or if he ignored you or not: DO NOT UNBLOCK HIM. Keep him out of your life. I’m glad I didn’t, so he couldn’t reach out for me after I entered his first sphere of influence. Good luck and report back!
Empath007, I was thinking of you last week but HG was busy so I was waiting for him to return to the blog; how did your encounter go? Did you see your narc? Did you avoid him like the plague causing a massive injury like a good girl?
Oh SP you are so sweet ❤️ I don’t have to go to the conference he will also be at until November…
So… can you tell I’m extremly nervous about it? Haha.
He’s still at the fore thought of my mind daily so in some ways it feels as though no time has passed even though I’ve been n/c for over a year.
It’s going to take everything I have to ignore him. And this is the first place I will come too to report back! Haha.
I knew I should of waited! You make thinking logically sound so easy HG, for some of us it is like asking you to use emotion! I do however like the way you have been adding the audio version to the blog.
FM1T
I too wish I could just turn off my ET and use logical thinking 100% of the time as it relates to this. It certainly is NOT easy. When will I learn? 🙁
Joanne I’d be happy if I could just tone it down a bit! It really is not easy, but I know eventually we’ll get this. 😘
FM1T
Yes we will. We keep moving forward and we’ll get there 💪🏼💪🏼🤗
😘🥰
Joanne and FM1T, it takes time but you will both get there. One day you won’t even care anymore whether the N is happy or not, whether it is a facade or not. One day, you will have better things to do than to figure him out. You will shelve him just like he shelved you.
SHM, yes to all that but better than shelved, they will be discarded! Which is a state they can’t reach with us, but we can definitely do it to them.
SP, Good point. I am actually really capable of discarding people. It’s not necessarily a trait I should be proud of but I do it often enough. I shut it down and walk away and never look back. Life is too short as it is.
SMH
I can’t wait for this day to arrive 🙏
SMH
That is very true. Ive gotten to that point with all my narcs.
It makes me happy to hear that, Windstorm. I think it’s important for people on this blog to know that we can move on, that the holes will fill up with other things and other people, that life can be (and will be) shiny and bright again, and that peace will come with time. I’m still learning but that is more of an intellectual pursuit rather than an emotional one now.
I commented here once that sometimes I go back and read all of my posts (it’s been almost a year now) and I can see my progress from fragmented to integrated.
SMH
Yes. Things will and do get better. Glad that you can see that in yourself!
Looking forward to listening.
(Where is my Golden Square? Has WordPress taken that from me? Just when I learned to love it. Ugh.)
I like this one too HG (just started listening to the audio you post on here, though I hope that doesn’t mean you stop writing).
MRN hurt me badly only once through what I thought was a discard, which I paid back with a silent treatment. A month later, he directly hoovered and within a day (sort of) discarded me again – it wasn’t clear whether he wanted me to stay or go but I wanted to go, so I left and went silent.
Three weeks later, he directly hoovered AGAIN in the most absurd way (on a dating site). About eight months later, following a return of the FR, and then a mutual disengagement, I was indirectly hoovered constantly during six months NC, and after my final escape, there were direct hoovers constantly too.
To me it felt like he would NEVER let me go whether he disengaged or I escaped. It also seems like he never discarded me because there never seemed to be a period where I was actually replaced. I think I’ve figured out that this was because I was a SIPSS and it was all the same to him, whether he disengaged/discarded or I escaped. True? To his mind, there was always the option of return, which is what the hoovers are.
This is important for me to understand because if it is correct then I totally get why the hoovers continue (lamely) and that he could directly hoover at any time. It has nothing to do with whatever fuel he might be getting elsewhere. I am SIPSS for life (I want a T-shirt that says SIPSS FOR LIFE or ONCE A SIPSS, ALWAYS A SIPSS). From his perspective, this is just a long period of shelving whereas from mine, it is NC and moving on. (I do get the perspectives thing.) Is this correct?
It is.
Thanks for answering. It is a really important part of my seeing the bigger picture.
Follow up: I just saw Sweetest Perfection’s suggestion that we empaths can actually discard, and we can – from our perspective. But from the narc’s perspective is there any point at which he says to himself ‘I’ve been discarded – she’s gone for good’? Or do I never get the satisfaction of MRN knowing that I am gone?
We do not consider that you are gone for good because of what YOU do – we are the ones to cast you into oblivion at our say so.
Okay, well hopefully he has cast me into oblivion, though the indirect hoovers suggest that he has not.
I do have one thing to say even if I haven’t listened yet. MB if your reading these? I’m thinking of you sister! 😘🥰 Oh! NA! Your damn parrots out again!! 🦜 Have a good evening everyone! 🙃
FM1T, Yes, I’m following a bit here and there. You are sweet to think of me! Anytime I am aware of new recordings, I listen and this one was no exception. (I left my dang headphones at work though!) I need a set for home too.
I don’t enjoy the format of the past couple of recordings as much. HGs voice is superb as always. I am a fan of ALL the nuisances of The Voice. Without the text to read from however, the flow is uncomfortable. It’s rambling as compared to his usual concise communicative style.
Rambling?! Interestingly enough the free flowing style is proving more popular than when I read.
HG, I don’t mean it as a criticism. I also see where readers have enjoyed this style. It is only an opinion and a preference. It may be something that makes you more palatable to new readers and that is a wonderful thing. I just don’t find it as helpful. It is not the laser accurate, in your face style I’m used to from you Sir. And yes, it does ramble. I would challenge you to listen back and see what you think.
It does not ramble, it is conversational in style and therefore it is not going to be as ‘in your face’. I can generate content faster through speaking rather than through writing and the blog is not the only platform. By recording in this fashion, this produces content which is attuned to YouTube (and is proving more popular as I pointed out) and I can generate more and faster. I cross reference from the blog to the YouTube link so people have access to it also. Written material will continue to appear of course.
I guess rambling is in the ear of the beholder! Ha ha . I’m 100% onboard with anything that allows for more material and a larger audience, HG. Advancing the mission of awareness is the goal and if people pay more attention, that’s all that matters. I’m sorry if I offended. Just expressing an opinion.
MB, i just knew through NA’s comment about your decision to go NC, I seem to have missed a lot of comments lately and was wondering where everyone was. Congrats!!!! I hope you don’t disappear on us totally though, I’m gonna miss you! And regarding the audios, it’s totally natural that each of us has a favorite style, I personally prefer visual because the audios activate my synesthesia. It’s a good thing HG offers a variety of choices.
Hi MB
Congratulations on your recent decision to go NC. I’m sure it’s quite an adjustment, but being the keen student that you are, you know the process and have a guideline for what to expect as well as all of us here in your corner.
I understand that you did not mean it as a criticism of HG’s work that you do not care for the recent audios. Most of us gravitate to a particular style and mine is the writing although I enjoy the other platforms and the ability to choose. Interesting that you found it rambling. I found the conversational tone more personable and acknowledged that it would perhaps leave him less open to criticism of being ‘scripted’ as he might be with reading from text. The audios are great for people on the move who still want to benefit from the work when they are unable to carve out dedicated time to sit and read or listen. In any case, we are lucky to be able to choose the platform that resonates with us most. I’m guessing you might be more a fan of free styling with the HUSH article ? Lol.
Do what is best for you (if you need to not be as involved on the blog at present as you’ve mentioned). I understand and struggle with that a bit myself, but selfishly I hope you don’t stray too far and deny us our hit of bubbly. I (as well as many others) enjoy your contributions and interactions.
NA
NA, thank you so much for reaching out and your congratulations means a lot to me. Without narc hits, MB is a dull girl I’m afraid. No fizz or bubbly at the moment 🙁 Similar to the narcissist, I get validation from the outside. Without it, I get depressed. I am struggling to replace N with something healthy that will bring me back to bubbly. It will happen. (I hope.) Either way, I’m too pissed to break NC.
As far as the new video format, I’m glad I’m in the minority. Anything that gets the message across is a successful communication. Maybe more will tune in to this less intimidating format.
I’m a fan of HG’s work for life no matter what he does. I just respect him and his work too much not to give feedback even if it is rejected. I stated my position, I’ve been heard. I stand by it. The fact that the majority feels differently bodes well for the future of the HG empire and his legacy and that makes me very happy indeed!
MB
Your fizz and bubble doesn’t come from him. He is just what you attribute it to because you refuse to acknowledge that you are more than enough the way you are. The validation you get here is way more valuable than anything he can offer you (save for the naughty talk from us but which HG provides in HUSH lol). We’ll just wait til you catch up and accept it.
Feedback is very important and you have done a great thing in offering your opinion. It has sparked some discussion and feedback from others that I imagine is very useful to HG in determining how his different formats are reaching and affecting people. That is necessary for success and your opinion counts. Thank you for offering it.
NarcAngel,
I have to agree with you, I like the conversational style of the latest recordings – plus, I can then multi-task but still listen and inform myself.
(LOVING the new recordings HG!)
I can see MB’s preference but I have to agree that the new style will have broader appeal. I know of one person, in particular, who could really benefit from HG’s work and I directed her to a couple recordings (and books). She listened a bit but then she stopped and said “I can’t listen. His voice is too eerie.” And she could really use his work because she is a busy mom (who repeatedly attracts narcs), who has overcome significant health problems, and I can see that she is lonely…dips her toe in the ‘dating pool’ out there and can’t see the narcs approaching (at first anyway)…she is one those personalities that literally glows with calm & warmth and I worry for her. I don’t know if she has read/listened further but I know she is more careful and watchful now.
Anyway, I hope HG’s more conversational tone gets through to people like her…and I know I greatly appreciate the recordings as of late.
I love the audio bc i can multitask and listen as im in the kitchen or wherever. Im very much for audiobooks and am glad youre doing this HG. I love the written as well but audio is handy when im busy or just would rather listen. i hope eventually your books are offered in audio form.
I can see where different forms are preferred thats where its nice to have various avaiable.
Thank you and you are welcome.
Although I can understand MB’s point, I definitely enjoy more this new free flowing style in your recordings than when you read, HG. You sound more normal and natural to me and find the length and content of the recordings very apt.
MB To the naughty step!😉
Haha – has MB even ever been sent to the naughty step before?!
WhoCares I don’t know? We will have to ask her the next time she pops in.
As a near permanent resident, I can say that I have never witnessed MB on the naughty step.
Well, you would know NA – I’m sure she’d never be stuck there for very long…and even if she’d spent a mere 5 minutes on the naughty step there would be signs.
I can just hear you now: “Okay. Exactly who left glitter on my seat!?”
WhoCares
Is there anything worse than glitter in your ass crack? Haha, well there is, but I know what you mean.
Hehehe!
I like that your doing these audios in this way HG
Thank you.
Love your audios. Especially the ones with the best sound, like this one. Love to listen while I am walking my dog or jogging, so Please Mr Tudor- do make more audios! Still waiting for more of «the golden rules of freedom»
Leolita You can listen to all of his work( in case you didn’t know ) on YouTube. Enjoy your walk.
Well, of course I have listened to every single one. That is why I love them. And waiting for more to come.
😊
To many triggers in this one HG. I’ll have to leave listening to this one until after I watch Victoria tonight! It’s the only show I watch besides Premier League Football ( soccer ⚽️) 😉
No-one gives a rat’s ass what you watch – especially Mr Chew-da.
Sarah
Who pissed in your Weaties this morning?
Twilight It was me. The emojis under NAs comment was a reply I sent to her. Remember everyone is entitled to speak their mind on hear even if it does come off a little strong. Who would of thought that a couple of emojis (🤢🤮) would of ignited such fury?
I did. If it’s good enough for Madonna – it’s good enough for me.
Sarah
When you get right down to it, no one gives a rat’s ass about our opinions either – especially Mr Tudor. But here we all are, including you giving yours.
NA, are you and foolme1time in lettuce licking cahoots?
Sarah I would of thought that everyone on here would of known by now that NA was my Fem Dom?! That’s right! You haven’t been on the blog since your last Hoover! I mean visit!
Bhahahaha!
Foolme1time, it’s ‘would have’.
And I do other stuff. I’d love to be up HG’s arse all day but variety is the spice of life.
!
?
Foolme1time, how was your show? I’m addicted to The Umbrella Academy, more my style. The soundtrack is fabulous.
Sweetest Thank you for asking. It was quite good. It always seems to end to soon though! That is one of my favorite periods that is why it appeals to me. I have never heard of the Umbrella Academy? What is it about?
Foolme1time, I know the feeling, I devour seasons in a couple of days. Now that I finished season 1 I feel like an orphan. How to explain what it is about… mmm. It is based on a comic series, and if you have to make a connection it’s similar to X-men but much much better. There is time travel, uncanny valley which I love, suspense and a lot of action, fantastic music, a lot of humor (my favorite character, Klaus, is the greatest), and one person is sort of a synesthetic Empath too but I won’t reveal anything else. It’s on Netflix, if you are interested.
Sweetest You can tell that you certainly enjoy this show. Yes I will have to check it out. I never got into x-men but a lot of people I know did.
foolme1time
Sarah reminds me of Aunt Clara.
K, I had the same thought.
Sweetest Perfection
Ha ha ha…I read the comment and thought: Hmmmm…..could it be AC?
K, the first thing I thought was that she was jealous of Foolme1time, because she was all excited about her show while the other person just had to spend her time trolling.
Sweetest Perfection
Your comment made me think of the article: JEALOUS OF YOUR CONTENTMENT.
“During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with jealousy. Why should you be allowed to sit there satisfied, happy and relaxed?”
K, nailed it!
Sweetest Perfection
Ha ha ha…your comment was right on the money!
K Who is this? Indeed
foolme1time
Use the shortcut control+F/Command+F (mac) on this link below and type: Aunt Clara into the search bar on the upper right.
https://narcsite.com/2018/06/26/a-letter-to-the-narcissist-no-62-2/
Have fun going down the rabbit hole.
K Thank you, I will check it out this morning.
K I’m meeting my friend that works at the library today for lunch. I haven’t seen him in quite awhile so catching up will be very nice! He is a local artist and well known in town, he wants to talk to me about HGs books and ways of promoting them! If it wouldn’t of been for you I wouldn’t of even thought of him or doing this. You are awesome! The first drink will be for you! Thank you so much!😘 Ha, ha I’m really quite excited, which is something I haven’t felt in a very long time! 🥰
Awwwww….thank you foolme1time! And you are welcome!
That is fantastic news! Promoting HG’s work with your friend’s help and connections is totally bitchin’! Man, I wish I could be there and have a drink with you. That would be epic!
Enjoy yourself, you deserve it. And, if you don’t mind sharing, let me know how it goes.
I am so happy that you feel excited! that is a very nice feeling. Keep going forward and don’t stop.
K Of course I’ll let you know what happens silly goose!! 😘😘🥰
Thank you foolme1time!
Aunt Clara is my biggest fan.
Ha ha ha…
Talk to the face. That’s terribly rude.
How much money to be in the ‘popular’ clique?
Sarah The only payment necessary, is loyalty and belief in HG and his work. Helping others that come to the blog to learn and heal.
I didn’t know there was a ‘popular clique’ here lol. I think there is not. As FM1T states, you just have to believe in HG’s work. ‘Popular clique’ was funny though!
Sarah
Your rude and attention seeking.
Pitiful.
Twilight…
Kiss my ass. And it’s ‘you’re rude’.
Sarah
yes, you are a BADASS. It’s just that you are close to crossing that oh-so-thin line that separates true badass strength from ‚in your face behaviours’ that reveal a completely different story. Combined with the fact that you initially failed to address fm1time straightforwardly (that was obvious) by using a voice of your own rather than refer to an anonymous mass that is ‚no one‘ (poor backup), thus showing a lack of self-confidence while feeling entitled enough to speak for the forum, your behaviour is anything but convincing. You may consider that before it’s getting hilarious.