What Am I To The Narcissist
For those who have become ensnared with our kind, it is a frequent question to wonder what you are to the narcissist. Of course, the short answer is that you are an appliance that is there to provide fuel first and foremost and there may also be the acquisition of traits from you and residual benefits. However, those that have begun to understand the narcissistic dynamic to some extent want to know how they have been regarded by the narcissist in terms of that dynamic. Of those questions, these are the ones which appear most often:-
Was I a primary source?
I don’t think I was devalued, why was that?
Have I been discarded?
Why did he not commit to me?
How has he moved on to somebody else so quickly?
Why did I have such a short golden period?
I feel like I am always hanging on for him, why is that?
It is typically the case that those questions are usually asked by someone who is an Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”) although that person may not actually realise that this is the case. This article will discuss the IPSS and some of the peculiarities which arise with being an appliance placed in this role.
By way of brief re-cap, someone who is a primary source may be an intimate partner or a non-intimate partner. In the vast majority of cases the primary source is an intimate partner, thus a spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend. You spend most of your time together and this arrangement occurs so that we are able to draw fuel from you each and every day, that fuel is of a high calibre (because of the greater emotional connection you have to us by reason of being a primary source and also because of your empathic traits). Occasionally the primary source is not an intimate partner and is usually then a family member.
A secondary source is a colleague, a friend or a family member. The secondary source will be seduced so that their loyalty and fuel is secured. Of course this is not done in a romantic fashion but through charm, pleasantry, doing favours and handing out benefits so that the appliance is drawn to the narcissist and is then installed in the position of secondary source.
A secondary source has an elongated golden period. This is because of the following factors:-
- The narcissist only draws on the secondary source’s fuel intermittently (compared to drawing on the fuel of the primary source);
- The secondary source is usually more compliant and does what the narcissist wants because the demands made of him or her are not as extensive as those made on the primary source;
- The fuel provided by the secondary source stays fresher and more potent for longer because it is only drawn on intermittently;
- The secondary source is less likely to challenge,wound or defy the narcissist
Accordingly, a secondary source will enjoy a lengthy golden period. They may not be ever be devalued. If they fail to provide fuel, become disloyal and fail to do what the narcissist wants, they may be devalued but usually they will be immediately discarded. This is because it serves the narcissist better to remove the ‘rotten apple’ from hanging around and polluting the minds of other members of the coterie. It is also easy enough to seduce a new secondary source or turn to other existing ones. Thus, where a secondary source becomes unreliable they are usually discarded. Devaluation may only occur where an example needs to be made of the secondary source (this is usually more of the case for colleagues and family members as there is a connection beyond friendship) or the narcissist feels a need for the negative fuel and does not regard the devaluation as likely to damage the façade.
All secondary sources commence their relationship with the narcissist from a non-intimate position and there they may stay for a very long time. Some however are promoted to the position of IPSS.
This happens when the narcissist is devaluing their primary source and is looking to replace them. The promotion of a secondary source to that of IPSS means that we are considering whether you are worthy of then being promoted to a IP primary source and the existing one is discarded.
When this happens there is also the likelihood of somebody else occupying the role of IPSS. We often have more than one as in effect we are holding auditions for those who may be promoted to the position of primary source. This results in several scenarios arising.
- The existing primary source, let us say this is a wife, is being devalued. The narcissist embarks on affair with another woman who is the IPSS. She may have been someone he has known as secondary source friend for some time and has recently promoted, or he may have approached her and become a secondary source friend who is very quickly promoted to IPSS. In this dynamic you, as the IPSS, may know about the wife and she is smeared to you, she is abusive, unloving and so on. You are seduced and your responses convince the narcissist that you will make an effective primary source so the existing primary source is discarded and you are then installed as the replacement primary source.
- The scenario is the same as above however there are periods during your seduction as IPSS when the narcissist goes quiet. You may think that you are being devalued. You are not. As explained above, the narcissist regards a secondary source as an intermittent provider of fuel and therefore when this happens it is likely that a Respite Period has been granted to the existing primary source, thus the narcissist allows a golden period again, he is preoccupied with the existing primary source and you are kept on ice until the Respite Period ends. The devaluation of the existing primary source continues and your seduction continues once again. Eventually, the narcissist deems you worth of promotion, you are embedded and the existing primary source is discarded and you are installed as her replacement. This may take months or even years. During this period, if you accept the periods of quiet without complaint, there will be no comeback from the narcissist. If however you question what is going on, you will most likely be subjected to future-faking from the narcissist in order to maintain your interest. He will talk about needing to sort divorce arrangements out, or how the house is taking too long to sell, the children need to be sorted out, he hasn’t told his parents yet, it is not a good time for the soon to be ex-spouse as her father has died, it is her birthday next month, it is nearly Christmas and so on. This future faking is done because the narcissist regards you as too valuable to drop and wants to keep you in place as you are earmarked for promotion, but he has not yet decided that you are worthy of such promotion and thus has allowed the existing primary source Respite Periods until he is convinced you are a worthwhile replacement.
- The same scenario as two above but there is another IPSS. In order to better our chances of securing an excellent replacement primary source, we are devaluing the existing primary source and we are cultivating leads with at least two IPSS. Thus, we spend the occasional wonderful weekend with you but make various excuses as to how we can only see you once a month. This is being done for two reasons. The first is because we must make time for the ongoing devaluation of the primary source and also to spend time with the other IPSS who is being cultivated. The second reason is to test your resolve. If you reject such an arrangement then we will conclude that you lack certain traits that would make you a good primary source, such as you challenge us too readily, you lack ‘stickability’ and you are not responding to our charm and seduction as deeply as we had hoped or planned. In such an instance our attention will switch to the other IPSS but you are unlikely to be discarded. This is because you have shown potential, provided fuel and therefore we may as well keep you on ice to call on for fuel or to triangulate with the existing primary source and/or the other IPSS in order to satisfy our fuel needs.
If you do not challenge this arrangement then it is a straight fight between you and the other IPSS as to who will eventually be crowned as primary source. You may know about the devalued primary source but you probably will not know about the other IPSS. You will both be tested, so you can expect cancelled arrangements, occasional bouts of odd acts and distant behaviours. These are not acts of devaluation but are rather tests during your seduction to ensure that you are made of the right stuff to be promoted to primary source and also that you are better than your competing IPSS. The nature of this competition is such that you may be in front one month and thus things will seem to be going well with us and then you will be behind your competitor the next month so things will be less pleasant. You are jockeying for position and all the while we are obtaining fuel as we ascertain who will be the best person to be promoted. This could go on for years as you are strung along.
If you then learn that the primary source has finally been discarded but somebody else is being paraded around as our girlfriend and you cannot understand how that has happened, because there is still (albeit minimal) contact with you, then you have lost the race to become primary source. This other person seems to have come out of nowhere but they have not. They have been cultivated behind the scenes and we have decided that they would make the best primary source. The existing one has been discarded, the competitor IPSS who you knew nothing about (or might just have been referred to as a ‘friend’) is installed as primary source.
Even when this happens, you are still unlikely to be discarded because we still see value as keeping you as a secondary source. There has been some investment in you and if you do not cause a problem for us, you will be retained and at some future point there will be a resumption of the relationship to draw fuel, to use you to triangulate with the now being discarded primary source and even to consider installing you as primary source. This latter consideration arises where you would be a good primary source, but the competitor was deemed even better. However, once that competitor is devalued, your status as a good potential primary source is revisited. Unless of course another competitor IPSS is sought and this one is deemed better than you.
If you rail against this treatment as you find yourself side-lined when you expected to become the primary source, but some usurper has appeared instead, this may be tolerated for the negative fuel and the purposes of triangulation. If however you become problematic whereby you may expose us, causes problems with the façade and interfere with the newly installed primary source, you can expect to be devalued, smeared and discarded.
4. You may find that there is no primary source. You are referred to as partner or girlfriend but your engagement with us is intermittent, excuses are made as to why we cannot see more of you, there are occasional periods of silence and you are strung along in this position for some time, unsure of what you actually are. Are you our girlfriend or just a friend with benefits? When this happens it is the case that we will have several IPSS on our books. The combination of all these interests and the attendant fuel means that there is no pressing need for a primary source and we are content to alternate between the various IPSS until we establish one which is installed as primary source.
The IPSS does not experience the standard template of seduction-devaluation-discard and this is why many commentators fail to explain our behaviours effectively to someone who is an IPSS. The narcissistic dynamic is different. The reason for this is that you are effectively placed in limbo. You may not be good enough to be promoted to the position of primary source but you are too valuable to be cast to one side and thus the dance continues for as long as you will allow it without wounding or challenging us.
Those who do not understand our kind tend to fall into the trap of thinking that we are some kind of commitment-phobe and will dole out erroneous advice to you in terms of making you try to bring about that commitment. All this will do is cause you further consternation as the decision is ours, not yours.
If you find yourself in the position of engaging with somebody who treats you well, but only does so intermittently, who occasionally seems to test you (and it is often difficult to spot this) and issues lots of promises about what will happen in the future but there is never any delivery, there is every chance that you are an IPSS entangled with one of our kind.
54 thoughts on “What Am I To The Narcissist”
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Hi HG,
1. I don’t understand why can’t he just tell me what it is about me that makes him not want to love and commit to me? Then I can let it go. He doesn’t seem to understand why I keep wondering why either. And acts like everything is good. Is he just not aware? We have conversations and he sounds like he doesn’t know why.
2. I was supportive and helping him and yet he, a victim narcissist rejected me. Thinking back, you said in your book, “Sitting Target”, that the victim narcissist wants that nurturing and caring individual. This victim narcissist, doesn’t seem to care about it anyway. Why is that?
For 2 and half years, I have spoken to the victim midrange narcissist over the phone and we have done video chats and it has become sexual at times. Even though I know he is a narcissist, I have been okay with talking to him as a friend and sometimes friends with benefits. But at times, because of the sexual intimacy, I want more and then my mind runs. His ex is a female narcissist (which is true, I can tell based on my knowledge from your articles). He says that he is attracted to female narcissists. He still talks to her. Maybe I wasn’t as hot as her? But yet, he does get erections when seeing me. But anyway, I was caring towards him – supportive and always helped him. But yet, he would keep rejecting me and telling me that he isn’t interested and doesn’t want much intimacy and we haven’t met in person. He also states because we live in different states is another reason for not wanting to date – which is understandable but I think there is more to it.
Not knowing why drives me nuts now and I was good for a few months because I realized he is a narcissist and accepted his answer. But since we have become more sexual with each other, now I am back to wanting to know the reason why again.
I don’t actually want to be with him because he is a narcissist. I have blocked my ex narcissist because he is one. But for some reason, I just can’t stand not knowing the reason why. It’s making me feel like I am not good enough. A part of me wants approval but the other part wants closure.
This is all understandable Jennie and thank you for reading my work. This needs to be carefully explained to you because the concept can be difficult to grasp (not because you are stupid) but because of a lack of initial knowledge and then the obscuring impact of ET because it fights AGAINST you applying that understanding. I can explain all of this to you in detail and unravel it for you through consultation.
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
This article glorifies being the “primary source”. I’m guessing that’s the lucky one who gets to sleep next to the narcissists lifeless body at night and who gets to live under the same roof and who spends the most time with him listening to him ramble on and on about himself and his life and his knowledge about everything on God’s green earth wondering when he’s going to initiate sex again because the woman isn’t supposed to.🙄 Yeah that’s a real prize to win. lol. If I had known what I know now I would have said “no thanks you can keep that crown!” I have tried to stay in limbo in the past because I didn’t want to be a part of the seduce, devalue, discard cycle that happened constantly. When I got fed up with the cycle I would run away and he would always chase me and things would be good again for awhile and then it was time to run away again. But then I got pregnant and here we are with a baby and I can’t stay in limbo. I can’t run anymore. So it’s been a huge struggle and my mind is full of questions. It’s taken a tremendous amount of strength and maturity to maintain my sanity through this whole thing and a couple of times I almost lost it. I’m worried about the future and if he’s going to try to discard me. I try my best to put up with everything but I have a hard time controlling my feelings and my attitude. I’m trying hard to just focus on the baby and not let my overthinking get the best of me but I can’t help but worry about the future and if he’s going to drive me insane with mind games before he finally discards me for somebody else…
Julie Mitchell,
Your words have taken me back into my entanglement and my state of mind back then…and actually brought tears to my eyes remembering how I felt at that time.
Please keep informing yourself and please protect yourself and your baby. ♡
Julie Mitchell
That is a great warning to those who aspire to ‘elevate’ to the position of Primary. It is no promotion or enviable position indeed.
The day you understand that as an IPPS you need to provide constant positive and negative fuel in the right balance to keep your crown… you know it is not a place you want to be !
Best thing you can do for that kid is get out and stay out .
I have been the primary source in a relationship for 8 years but was constantly lied too …was discarded and have now been replaced by a new source who has become his wife ( arranged marriage)…
Will she be the one ??
or will she too suffer the same fate as me ?? …..
1. No.
2. Yes.
The insights come in layers. I’ve read just about all of your work this past year, HG- and I find that it is all too much to absorb at once…but as I re-read, re-listen to your videos, over time the worldview of your kind becomes clearer and clearer.
I’ve read or listened to this piece probably 10 x at least over the year, and each time it resonates in a clearer fashion.
Thank you
I am pleased to note that that is the case and also that you are revisiting such work – doing so will always be to your benefit.
HG,
Wow. You have explained my world perfectly! I am currently the primary source (wife of 17yrs) being replaced and disgarded (active infidelity leading to divorce). I’m surprised I lasted this long. I think perhaps his alcoholism played a major role. I hated his drinking once I quit, but during that time he ‘adored’ me. Once he quit drinking six years ago his true personality revealed itself and he has finally found a replacement with his exit affair. I almost want to send the article to ‘my replacement’ as to what to expect…..yeeaahhhhh no. “No longer my monkey, exiting the circus”. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell knowing I was “nothing”. Anyway, I would be interested on how addiction affects The Narcissist. Wish I had found you six years ago.
Welcome to the blog. I suggest you read Cheers! Alcohol and the Narcissist.
Where can I find this article H?
Which article?
I found it. It was 🍻 Cheers! Thank you.
Santaann1964
https://narcsite.com/2016/09/28/cheers-the-narcissist-and-alcohol/
Thanks Twilight. Read it, been there too! Crazy but so true. It’s healing to know what I am dealing with.
Santaann1964
When an article is suggested (or even when it’s not but you have questions about a specific issue) use the search function at the top right corner (orange square with magnifying glass) to locate articles that deal with that topic. In this case HG provided the name of the article and Twilight has graciously provided the link, but you could have also searched it there as well as other subjects you may be interested in. Hope that helps going forward.
Thanks. That’s how I found it.
Dearest HG: I heard recently that narcs are often bi-sexual, because fuel is what is important, not so much the sex gender of the IP, the intimate partner. I wonder if some have walked in on the fact, or learned accidentally somehow, that,their narc is bi-sexual.
PrincessSE
There can be sexual fluidity. You should read Sex and the Narcissist. Eye opening.
NarcAngel. Ok. I just put that book on my list now, although I am sort of afraid to read it for some reason, along with the book, Chained, that also was recommended to me. Thank you.
So far my experience has been that they all _vehemently_ deny any such thing.
Buut … imagine my surprise when I found his friend, who had come visit for the weekend and was supposed to sleep on the bed-sofa in the living room, had been sleeping in the bed of my current ex-live-in-narc, while I had been kicked out after you know what a few days before, and wasn’t really “allowed” to sleep in his bedroom …
He said they had done that for *me*, so I could work in the living room on the sofa, while they were sleeping till noon. Hm ….
It’s amazing but true in many cases. This still blows me away in my case💤 It’s like a nightmare!
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
Again a post, superb and enlightening. And in my opinion chilling, for the cold and calculated behavior of the narcissist. You always say that, the behavior of these are intuitive and unconscious. But this one is somewhat difficult for me to assimilate. In my opinion I think they are aware of it and they are simply evil for the mere fact of being them.
In my particular case I was at the crossroads between non-intimate IPPS and IPSS. Depending on the circumstances. I suppose this was due to the fact that I saw a secure source. My level of stickiness and submission by my hooking up to my narcissist was extreme. I don’t seem to remember a good period, except for the Gold period and I think I have overestimated this one as well. Well, actually you could say that my whole period was rather chaotic and I served as a great supplier of negative fuel. In this very enlightening and extremely masterful post I see myself reflected in each one of them. In life or better said in the relationship with a narcissist this is not static and if not quite dynamic by the lifestyle of my narcissist. I went through each and every one of these.
Point number 4 I think is quite accurate and reflects quite well part of my circumstances.
You as the title of your post ask a question:
What am I to the narcissist?
Let me answer it. Using the last three words poured from my narcissist’s lips.
You are nothing.
Indeed, if any victim thinks it was something, they are totally wrong.
They are great drinkers, but they give nothing.
Highly selfish with no soul and no heart.
That’s why from that day on, I decided not to practice necromancy anymore, because he is dead inside.
It seems a bit romantic to go romantically talking to a vampire that’s fine for novels, in real life they drain you so to the extreme. that it’s miraculous to get out of this kind of relationship healthy, physically and psychologically. Even if there are always aftereffects and the victim will have to work on her own recovery.
Hi J.G,
Not all narcissists are alcoholics and not all alcoholics are narcissists. Many narcissists who do not drink any alcohol, not even at birthday parties and other special occasions. I have heard some of them say that since one of their parents (or both) were alcoholics and drank beer/wine, they cannot stand the smell of it. Please see HG’s article “Cheers! The Narcissist and Alcohol”.
Hey, E.B., I think there’s been a problem with my writing. You talk to me about the problem of alcoholism.
I meant fuck and don’t drink, the translator wrote what he thought.
My narcissist wasn’t an alcoholic and I don’t think he is today, we drank socially on weekends. But that’s not the point.
The point is, the translator wrote DRINK. Here’s the word take that has now placed it correctly. I meant they’re big fuel pickers and they end up draining you.
H.G. and you make a great effort to try to understand what other people say thanks to internet translators. Thank you so much for reading to us…
Hi J.G.,
I understand what the translator did.
The original text was “narcissists are takers but they give nothing”.
Yes, they are takers and only give to manipulate others or when they know they will get something in return.
Hey, E.B., I think there’s been a problem with my writing. You talk to me about the problem of alcoholism.
I meant “to take” and not “drink”, the translator wrote what he thought.
My narcissist wasn’t an alcoholic and I don’t think he is today, we drank socially on weekends. But that’s not the point.
The point is, the translator wrote DRINK. Here’s the word take that has now placed it correctly. I meant they’re big fuel pickers and they end up draining you.
H.G. and you make a great effort to try to understand what other people say thanks to internet translators. Thank you so much for reading to us…
Please Tudor don’t raise the other one that says Fuc…
because the translator today writes what he wants…
“Not to practice necromancy anymore:“ That is super strong wording. I hope they all are not that bad…..?
Hello JG, you are of course welcome to your opinion, however it is incorrect.
I know Tudor, that you do it because of your prevailing need for fuel.
But the lack of certain features of empathy, your need for control and your right to do and the lack of remorse etc, do the rest.
Possibly, I am right and it is done unconsciously initially, but when the attitude is repetitive and continuous, this is already done consciously. I do it because I feel good, I don’t know why, but I know that I feel good. I feel good, I don’t know why, but doing it makes me feel great. I see you suffer, but I can do it, I don’t feel anything and therefore I repeat it. again and again.
The narcissist will not know why he does it or why it is shared in this way. But he knows deep down that his attitude and behavior are not the right ones or accepted in society.
I don’t want to say that this is not right for him and his need for survival.
Why if they were well in society what is the need for their facade? They want to appear what they are not, in order to go unnoticed and be easier to attract new prospects.
The narcissists may be alive in part, as long as they get their fuel because they feed on us to live.
I suppose as you rightly say, if there was any other way of obtaining the traits of character and fuel, you would do it. Or maybe not, this will never be known, because there is no cure. And if there were, it would be the same as tame a lion, but this one will always be a predator. And we already know.
What I mean as my previous comment is that it is difficult for me to assimilate that all narcissistic behavior in the lower and middle range is done unconsciously and viscerally, without any kind of consciousness on your part…..
Talked about Another subject…
I have to apologize for the comment in the meme. I read his answer, in a question tone.
Confusing the exclamation point for the question mark. And this was the cause of everything. So I take this one to apologize. You know, I’m not English and my English is nefarious. And exclamative signs are not my strong either. hahaha.
Perhaps I do not know many things, because of the difficulty of the language, but in general I think that my understanding of the subject narcissistic thanks to you, has been exponential for me. Keep it up, there will be many like me in the future. And for this I am eternally grateful to you.
Although you know, we may have different points of view and the color of the crystal with which you look, and this will always be a little distorted, do not take it into account, as something personal.
Never buys me things etc
Just charms me. As far as I know I don’t think he has an IPPS as I video with him and he lives with his flat mate. Maybe he has lots of IPSS’. What’s the differences between a DLS and an IPSS please Mr Tudor!?
I’m confused as to whether I’m a DLS or an IPSS.
He doesn’t allow me to meet anyone he knows. Always future fakes me. But he’s been down to see me several times during weekends and wants to continue. He’s a victim mid-ranger.
Great read HG
Thank you. I can remove the confusion through consultation.
Hello Sarah,
While the IPSS is tested to become an IPPS, the DLS or DSIPSS is never ever considered for promotion.
The DLS is never introduced to the narcissist’s family, friends, work colleagues, business partners or any other individual who could think badly of him. The DLS remains hidden because this relationship would *ruin* the MRN’s perfect fake façade as the family man.
My late MRN father told me (he actually warned me) about these men when I was quite young. He said this type of MRN will never leave his wife for different reasons. I think he knew from his own experience what he was talking about. He said these men spend time with their DLS at times of the day when their wives and other people who know them least expect it – at lunch, early afternoon or when they are on a business trip. I remember a client who lived miles away and used to drive all the way to the company on a Sunday afternoon (!). My MRNf sent me to work on a Sunday when this client came while he stayed at home. He said this client was spending time with his DLS.
I wish my Matrinarc had warned me about female narcs but unfortunately she did not reveal anything about her/them and what is worse, she conditioned me to become an easy target for female narcissists/sociopaths (in non intimate relationships).
The following articles will help you understand the difference between IPSS and DLS:
About the IPSS:
‘What Am I To Him?’
http://narcsite.com/2017/03/31/what-am-i-to-him-3/
About DLS or DSIPP:
‘Dirty Little Secret’
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/15/dirty-little-secret-4/
Also this one is very good:
Analysis : Narcissist v IPPS, Candidate IPSS and Shelf IPSS
https://narcsite.com/2018/08/03/analysis-narcissist-v-ipps-candidate-ipss-and-shelf-ipss-2/
Since MRNs can behave differently depending on their cadre and classes, I would consult with HG if you want to be sure about what you are to him.
Wow, thank you E.B.
Very kind of you to take the trouble to reply.
I’ll give them a read.
It’s looking like I’m very much a DLS then, although I know he doesn’t lavish other women with gifts and his time as he’s skint and selfish. I believe he has many DLS and non-intimate secondary sources. But as far as I’m aware, he’s ALWAYS got time to visit me, so maybe the other DLS are kept online for the purposes of fuel.
Nothing that is what I am.
Not sure how I am taking this today. I am really angry just for starters. Figuratively speaking ripping his throat out sounds like an acceptable form of letting him know how angry I am. My own emotions are against me and keeping others emotions from effecting me will be a challenge today. It is not often I desire to feel hatred….today is one of those days.
Contagion,
Sorry you have been feeling angry and hateful.
It isn’t pleasant;I don’t know where to put my own anger.
I watched the movie ‘A Monster Calls’ this past weekend on Netflix…it was really an excellent commentary on grief and anger.
Has disturbing scenes for some though. But it was right up my alley – including fantastic special effects, beautiful animation and Liam Neeson’s excellent narration/voice over.
Is this why the secondary source(s) can be escorts, people of the same/opposite sex, chat lines? Like a secret second life(style)Is this what would make the narc feel so empowered? , or in my case my narc, could be just possibly be bisexual. Self absorbed in his own self so he is the one in control even if he has to pay for it. ? Mr.H ?
My narc who is supposely a Superior Mid Ranger, never had an Intimate Primary Source, but still now he prefers to collect several secondary sources. I was one of them, and I was placed on the shelf from the beginning. He had also a Dirty Little Secret that finally made collapse his castle of lies and cheats. This article helped me very much. It made me understand what my place was in his Fuel Matrix. Thank you H.G!
You are welcome.
Stella
Interesting. I also believe my narc to have a collection of IPSSs versus IPPS. I too am IPSS of the shelf variety and was shelved early, after about 6 weeks.
Hi HG,
It never fails to amaze me that you write such informative posts that seem to cover absolutely everything – and then you come up with more! This site is overflowing with good things for us.
This was a very reflective piece for me to read. It made complete sense and, as I continue to note, I can read things and feel no attachment now to my ex and no sick feelings in my stomach. No pained moments.
I have no idea how many ppl out there know of you, but your work is outstanding. This is a path to healing and a safe place to share.
Once again, I’m saying thank you. You spend your time writing, upkeeping your blog and replying to us. Then there are your books. Another invaluable source.
I really appreciate all of it. And my no contact is rock solid because of it. When I read this post I realised I was on to him, but my intuition was stuck in fog, unable to pin down what was happening. I just knew it was something.
Your blog has been the light at the end of the tunnel.
🙂 Powerful stuff! 💫
Dear Laurel. I love that name: Laurel. I concur with you. Especially since so many people have no idea of the obsidian depths and multiple labyrinths involved with the narc cycle situation. What hurt me a lot, also, is that I did not know I had a lot of emotional thinking going on. HG Tudor shined a bright light on the sly and seditious arguments of my emotional thinking and he stimulated and encouraged and taught me how to arm myself with my revived logic to fight against that emotional thinking in order for me to win: just like how a renown Coach gives his boxer gulps of refreshing cool water, as the boxer sits a moment in the corner awaiting the next round, and tends to the boxer`s`s black eye and cut forehead and blood. The Coach wisely and accurately and deftly tells his boxer that the opponent has weaknesses here and has weaknesses there, and to watch out for a certain uppercut and right or left hook…and to not think that the opponent is omnipotent and that the opponent can not be defeated. Then the Coach pushes the fighter back in the ring, with an encouraging smack on the behind, to fight. Laurel, I had no idea my logic was being punched over and over by my emotional thinking. I was down on the mat, and almost hearing the 10 count for a technical emotional knockout, but I have risen to my feet, thanks to HG. Victory is being snatched from the jaws of emotional defeat in this horrible battle.
Hello Princesssuperempsth,
Thank you for the compliment 🙂 it’s a very old name and I like that it comes from the ancient laurel tree…:)
I agree with what you wrote. It is a life saver to find this site. I’ve come along in leaps and bounds – my mental well-being has a new level of resilience and I can say I’m actually happy again.
Although I do still think of my ex, it’s not pain wrenching and I no longer want him in my life. It’s reflective thinking and I can now see what the labyrinth was about – I’ve read a few of HG’s books as well as here all the time reading.
Because I understand now – I realise I’m blessed and lucky to be free of him in my life.
I’m happy you found this solace too – and thank you for your reply. Keep the faith and stay true to yourself xxxx
I need to know your marketing people- I need to hire them! Not for anything to do with narc shit— just marketing!
Empress1,
I think he is his own marketer.
And …. once we read all the material here we conclude that being “ crown” IPPS is not necessarily the best thing that can happen to you.
I remember that ahah moment I had reading all the stuff here saying that I never wanted to be the IPPS but now I know why…. 🙂
Very good explanation… the IPPS is always the one in most danger of losing really something – especially when you become so entangled .
I know I will never be crown – I have escaped and been really malfunctioning in the past and I know he remembers it very well.
Might I add that the reason we “malfunction ” and don’t become IPPS is because we are too good to be strung along. We don’t put up with the BS shelving. We demand more. So when we escape or are discarded we are actually winning, even if it feels like losing.
Maybe if we would have been crowned at the beginning of the relation or before 4-5 months things would have been different – I was able to function perfectly for the first 8 months. Probably why he kept saying he needed to spend more time with me.
But at the end shelving too long led me to malfunction and my detective mindset wanting to display the proofs of his lies is when things started to get sour.
BetterwoNarc. Yes, when it comes to the Narc I am dealing with, winning does feel like losing, but I am sallying forth in the dis-engagement. A fellow subscriber on this site, asked me why It feels like losing to me. I am not sure. I think it involves some form of magical thinking.