To Control Is To Cope -Narcissism and Its Creation


To deal with and to address the vagaries of life, human beings have developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms vary in terms of the extent of their use, their impact on the user, the impact on others and the frequency of their deployment. Some coping mechanisms are regarded as ‘healthy’ and others as ‘unhealthy’ and some may be a hybrid of the two, dependent on the extent and duration of usage.

Distancing is a coping mechanism. You may distance yourself from a situation and people, but prolonged and extensive distancing may lead to isolation with the associated problems which such isolation can bring. Short-term distancing can allow recovery, re-charging and avoidance of an ongoing harmful situation. Longer-term distancing which is targeted on one or more chief proponents of harm can lead to near complete removal from toxic and harmful influences. No contact of course is a coping mechanism which incorporates distancing as a central tenet of it and is the most effective coping mechanism to apply with regard to your recovery from ensnarement with our kind.

Crying is another coping mechanism. The release of tension, held-grief, feelings of misery often evaporate as a consequence of somebody crying. You may be told ‘have a good cry, you will feel better’ and indeed many people have testified to the beneficial impact of doing so and thus crying achieves release and often acts as a signal to invite comfort from others. It is a coping mechanism deployed by people to deal with a stressful, worrying or hurtful situation.

Self-harming is a further form of coping. The distraction caused by the painful response of cutting (cutting being just one form of self-harming) enables an individual to relieve the pain of certain other feelings, it achieves a release, a distraction and also enables that individual to exert control in circumstances where they feel unable to exert control (or to the extent that would make them feel comfortable). Self-harming whilst a coping mechanism is regarded as a negative form of a coping mechanism.

Expression of feelings. Being able to ‘talk it out’ and ‘air your feelings’ is a coping mechanism also. The ability to talk to someone else who will just listen, even if they offer nothing in response or even just to talk to yourself about how you are feeling (be it generally or in relation to something specific) enables people to experience a sense of release, a lightening of a particular load and it often brings clarity in terms of understanding themselves and finding a way forward.

There are many coping mechanisms that humans deploy – some are conscious and others occur unconsciously.

Narcissism is one such coping mechanism and it is a powerful and invariably hugely effective, although its effectiveness does depend on the school of the narcissist and which particular outcome one is having regard to. The outcome of our narcissism is something that I shall address in a separate article.

Narcissism must maintain the construct (the false self) and imprison the creature (the true self).  Collectively this is the Self-Defence of the Narcissist. This Self-Defence is achieved through the The Prime Aims (fuel, character traits and residual benefits).

Central to this Self-Defence and the achievement of The Prime Aims is control. The narcissist must at all times have control of his or her environment and the people within that environment which of course includes you. Whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a colleague, a relative or a romantic partner. Whether you are a neighbour, a date, sister or brother, that man from the corner store or fiancée – you come within the fuel matrix of the narcissist and you have to be subjected to the control of the narcissist.

This control has to be exerted second by second of each and every day. Every passing moment must be owned and governed by the narcissist. We must exert control all around us, this has to be complete and total as if the very clouds were tethered by us. Why is that?

Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control.

That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed.

The combination of a genetic predisposition and the imposition of this lack of control created narcissism as the coping mechanism. These two ingredients combined and gave ‘birth’ to narcissism as a means of coping with the world, with the lack of control that the world causes for individuals. Many people have no issue with this lack of control, others have alternative coping mechanisms and then there is us – the narcissists. Around one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists in order to cope with this loss of control.

Narcissism allows the imposition of control through manipulation. The imposition of control allows us to achieve the Prime Aims. The achievement of the Prime Aims allows our Self-Defence and thus we survive and we thrive.

Narcissism is a coping mechanism.

People believe that abuse is the ingredient in the formation of a narcissist. It is an ingredient, yes, but there are two ingredients in the formation of our kind. The first ingredient is the genetic predisposition, if you will this is the fertile soil which provides the basis for the narcissism to grow and flourish. The second ingredient is the lack of control (of which abuse is part of that lack of control) and this is the ‘seed’ which is placed in the fertile soil of the genetic predisposition and thus narcissism ‘grows’ as the coping mechanism. For some, the soil is there but no seed ever arrives and thus no narcissist. For others, there is no soil but there is the seed, but again with one essential ingredient missing, there can be no narcissism.

Genetic predisposition plus lack of control (at a formative stage of life) equals narcissist.

What does this lack of control (at a formative stage of life – i.e. childhood) look like?

  • Abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological, any form of abuse towards us amounts to a lack of control. We could not defend ourselves against the abuse and therefore this is a lack of control, over ourselves and over those who meted out abusive harm towards us. The abuse is an act of commission – we were beaten, molested sexually, told we were useless, insulted etc.
  • Isolated. Whether this was being locked in a cupboard under the stairs, prevented from playing with other children, kept apart from other family members, not allowed to participate in group activities of any nature, given silent treatments and treated as if we did not exist, isolating and ostracising us in some form again constituted a lack of control. We were not able to control our own interactions, someone else did this for us and to our detriment. We were controlled by another and thus lacked control.
  • Neglect. Whilst there may not have been abusive acts of commission , there are abusive acts of omission. Therefore we were not given a safe environment, we were not taught effectively (be it about ‘facts’, relationships, behaviour, responsibility), we were not emotionally supported, we were not fed, clothed or protected, we were not shielded from an abuser of commission and/or we could roam where we wanted. Once again we were denied control over ourselves because we were not provided with the assets, resources and tools to achieve effective control over our lives and this neglect (lack of control) exposed us to hurt, pain, disease, injury, loneliness and/or acts of abuse through commission.
  • The Golden Child. Everything we did was lauded and praised. It was invariably held up as a glowing and shining example of brilliance, even when it was not or the praise was excessive for a valid achievement. This meant we lacked control in the sense of earning achievements in a valid fashion. We had greatness thrust upon us without being ready for it, without having earned it and without appreciating it. Everything came to us too easily and this also amounted to a lack of control. We had no control over the outcome from our endeavours, we felt no compulsion to achieve and apply endeavour because whatever we did (bad, mediocre or good) was met with accolade, praise and the lavishing of ‘how brilliant’. We were denied the ability to control our own destiny.
  • Shifting Sands. Where we experienced Shifting Sands we had a lack of control because the environment around us at that formative stage lacked constancy. One day the sun shone and the next day, even though everything else appeared to stay the same to us, there was a thunderstorm. On Monday our painting was declared to be ‘Rembrandt in the making’ (a la Golden Child) and by Friday our painting ‘was the work of a moron wielding a potato for a paintbrush’. The application of black and white thinking by the aggressor created an uncertain environment, one of push and pull, idealisation and devaluation and we had no control whatsoever on which version was going to appear to us. There was a lack of control in our lives through uncertainty, unpredictability and those shifting sands.
  • B Graders. ‘It’s good but not good enough.’ ‘You can do far better.’ ‘You are not trying hard enough.’ ‘You are letting yourself down but moreover you are letting me down.’ These phrases and those similar to it encapsulate the loss of control felt by those who are ‘The B Graders’. Each time the hill was climbed and the summit anticipated, another hill suddenly appeared. The effort was okay, decent enough, acceptable but never that which met with approval. Keep going, learn more, be faster, swim stronger, climb higher, shine brighter. There was no control because we were never allowed a moment to settle, to cherish that which had been achieved and to reflect. We could not establish our own parameters of achievement and satisfaction but instead we were always beholden to the standards of another which ultimate proved to be unobtainable standards and thus we had no control.
  • The Facsimile. We were shaped to be precisely like the aggressor. Sometimes this was entirely at the behest of the aggressor and sometimes we saw how this individual behaved and decided ‘I want that power also’ (usually unconsciously but sometimes, such as was the case for me – consciously). Whilst you may think a conscious decision to copy the aggressor and thus seize power was a form of control, it was not – this was actually a product of the already establishing narcissism and thus a symptom rather than a cause. Where the aggressor caused us to be moulded just like them – forming our opinions, our views, our behaviours, our likes and dislikes, what we wore, what we ate, where we went, what we did and in some instances alongside this there was an unconscious decision to mimic and copy those behaviours and characteristics, we were once again denied control.

Thus, whether we came from an impoverished background, a gilded background, a seemingly run-of-the-mill background, any of those environments had the potential to cause a lack of control in our lives. Take this lack of control and add it to the genetic predisposition and thus our coping mechanism of narcissism was given birth to.

Narcissism became our way of coping with the world.

Narcissism allowed us to exert control.

A lack of control equates to a lack of power.

A lack of control equates to  being vulnerable.

A lack of control equates to being weak.

A lack of control equates to being worthless, meaningless and unimportant.

When we lack control, we start to fade and will no longer exist.

A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then.

This must never happen for too long and thus we were formed from this lack of control adding to our genetic predisposition and in order to survive and thrive we must never, ever lack control for if this persists, well, then, it ends.

We must have absolute control. And that means absolute control over you, him, her, them but most of all YOU.

243 thoughts on “To Control Is To Cope -Narcissism and Its Creation

  1. Supernova DE says:

    Do children developing into mid rangers exhibit cognitive empathy? Do they have facade management? If so, when do those things begin to appear and do they manifest differently than in an adult?

    What is the youngest age you feel narc detector consult would be accurate for?

    Thank you so much

    1. HG Tudor says:

      12 caveated.

  2. misti casinger says: my comments appear? Unless I am forgetting to hit the send button each time..

    1. HG Tudor says:


  3. misti casinger says:

    Testing.. do my comments appear? Unless I’m mistaken and havent hit send several times in the last few.weeks I’m curious if they go through?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. honestyrocks777 says:

        What I am noticing is this.. when I go directly to your site and comment and type in my information.. it does not register that I commented. It does not show awaiting in moderation or that it was accepted. Just thought I’d mention it. Is it ok for me to ask questions I had through any article? I dont remember what the articles were called that I posted on.. or should I find them and ask there?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          By all means ask your questions.

          1. honestyrocks777 says:

            I read something about sleep rape.. it caught me off guard.. I remember him telling me that he would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes being horny with his ex wife and would be with her. I told him that was “hott!!” And to “wake me up anytime”. He never did it until just before I left him. I just remember waking up to him on top of me.. I was tired yes..but again.. it was hott.

            I dont think I can call that “rape” because I was ok with it happening. But is that what you are referring to? A scenario like that?

  4. hope says:

    So you still don’t trust the world, as an adult? Can’t you see that your world, as a child, the world that began the coping mechanism, is no longer the world you live in? Can’t you see that in the adult world you have enough control to survive, albiet not full control, but enough control to avoid the situations of your youth, and cannot you see that full control to the extent of narcissim is not necessary to survive in our world, as an adult? If you can recognize this, cannot you train yourself to adapt to less control and train yourself to stop coping with an unpresent threat? Or you know you can, you just don’t want to. There is no desire, you enjoy it how it is. There is no motivation to change as you don’t see not having emotions you never had as a negative consequence. You can’t want what you never had and the consequences you give others don’t bother you and only benefit you so you cannot emotionally or logically desire to change? As the opposite, I can tell you experiencing true love is worth the effort. Its way better than power or control. Joy is cool. The guilt, shame, and sadness are tough but they allow you to connect with other people. Feeling true connection and intimacy is worth the effort.

    Zeilium do you see how this is different than what you explained? A coping mechanism is not a permenant thing. It doesn’t have to be. If you resolve the core issue, coping is no longer necessary. Coping is a symptom not a gentic trait.

  5. myriflemyponynme says:

    It is all about coping then… Guess it depends on how weak you felt.
    It takes usually more than a family to raise or educate a child, Didn’t you notice that people were different, did outsiders ( neighbours, teachers, classmates…) have an influence on you?
    Father was such a different person with outsiders that I began- at a very Young age- to have contempt for him and for people who would Believe he was a nice and funny man.
    Shifting sands and Facsimile echo deeply with my memories, I enjoyed school and Learning was a relief and a sure way to escape one day but Grade B applied to my sporting achievements “You won but your time had been better in training”, “Did your mama feed you crap this Morning? I thought she did, you moved like a rag doll?”.
    The only things predictable were the beatings and the put downs. Although, I Didn’t see the burnings, the hangings and other creative punishments coming. I was ten when I ran away for three days and was brought back home to the “nice and funny man” by the police. Got fed, cleaned and sent to rest before a good beating the next morning because police came at home. After that, came the afternoon, Father bought me a loud green and blue pair of track spikes and took me to the cinema to watch “They Call Me Renegade” – nobody would have shared his western movie bug but me. The film was dull. In that dark room, his hand on mine on the armrest, I decided I would better learn to control myself from that moment and on. I was not fake as he was. I would not be him. Didn’t shout to leave me alone or bite his big hand to draw blood but smiled to myself. Didn’t take it on anybody or anything either.
    Memories came back to haunt me when I was expecting my child and lasted until she could speak her first word. Somehow, I was scared I could become him. I monitored each and every of my emotion and feeling, to be sure my exhaustion would not let me slip out of control. How odd is it to stick to a decision made at ten ? It worked like a charm, at least I thought so, I wouldn’t binge read your works if my coping mechanism were that bulletproof…
    Thank you, Sir, for humbling me.

    1. FYC says:

      MRMPE, Sorry to comment in your reply section, but the general comment button has gone missing!

      HG, I had a thought, and I would appreciate knowing if it has any validity. Do you think it is possible that the same “control is to cope” is a play in every N relationship with an empath? In other words, we empaths see/feel elements of the N’s true self (in addition to your excellent facade). At the same time, the N believes on some level that the new empath IPPS will turn the key and provide the healing (fuel) love that will stop the driving force (the N construct and rejection of true self). On the surface, it would seem a good match, but the construct must win, just as it did long ago, and the relationship must be conquered into submission (devalued and disengaged/shelved) to keep the defense securely in place. I am wondering if the borrowed glimpse into your true self plays a role in disengagement in addition to the inevitability of fuel becoming stale. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No, because that require awareness and most narcissists do not have it.

        1. FYC says:

          “No, because that require awareness and most narcissists do not have it.”

          Thank you for your reply. I don’t think I was very clear on that question. I did not mean a conscious choice. I’ll consider it further and if I come up with something more cogent I’ll ask at a later time.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            By all means.

          2. FYC says:

            Thank you kindly, HG.

    2. njfilly says:


      I also had contempt for my father at a young age. I remember thinking how pathetic he was to abuse a little girl. I believe this is what started my hatred for weak men. My memories haunt me as well.

      I’m very sorry for what you experienced. I hope the work of Mr. HG Tudor helps you.

  6. aapzonderstaart says:

    ”one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists”

    Sorry,its been a long day….like 17% one in 6 ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Er, yes.

      1. aapzonderstaart says:

        I agree,but people don’t want to believe this. Its a Huge number, but realistic.
        Whenever i tell people from the ”industry” psychiater,psychologist that the number is a little higher then 5% they look at me with a facial expression that tells me to shut the ef up or we lock you up ! Should a label that as cognitive dissonance from their part ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I would be bolder and call it idiocy.

  7. cb says:

    Yes exactly
    The narcissist seems to have grown up with one or two very “tense” parents.

    Tension was sort of “always in the air” at home, so the children had to act and help building a facade.

    Either that the house often had sleepover-guests so the family was rarely ever alone, causes sleepdeprevation,

    or very strong religious/political or ideological dogma, which took too much space so there was no time for relaxed convo,

    or very strong image of success, and every spot needed to be neat and tidy. “Not allowed to make a mistake.”

  8. Narc noob says:

    I would love to see more information on this topic. I think there is something missing from your equation. Perhaps it’s our filter or how we perceive this *lack of control*, IDK?

    I was 1 of 8 growing up and from what I can gather we all ended up in the normal, co-dep or empath category apart from just 1 sibling and yet, we all were treated similarly where control is concerned.

  9. empath007 says:

    . This is great. Answers so many of my questions. Thanks HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome empath 007.

  10. Mister Anderson says:

    Hi HG,
    Great writing. I have a few questions about control. Thanks for responding to me earlier btw.

    Control is central it seems. Is that what the Prime Aims are really manifesting for narcissists?

    For me it seems like Fuel is feedback showing that narcissists control of others is successful. The construct then is control of ones false self and others perception of oneself. Residual benefits is the long term “control” of securing physical and material needs. Would I be correct in my conclusion that the Prime Aims are mearly tools to secure Control others, oneself and resources?

    So I guess the core question I have is: Do you need fuel to ensure Control, or is Fuel the feedback for your sucessful application of Control? Or does it not matter which is the prime need, fuel and Control, both work in tandem and one makes no sense without the other?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.
      2. Fuel is a form of feedback to demonstrate control, yes.
      3. yes, the Prime Aims are the various manifestations of control.
      4. The receipt of fuel ensures control.

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