You Were Warned
“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”
“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”
“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”
“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”
“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”
“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”
“To me you are.”
“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”
“Well I am.”
“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”
“What else?”
“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”
“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”
“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”
“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”
“How? By you?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”
“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”
“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”
“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”
“Yes we have haven’t we?”
“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”
“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”
“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”
“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”
“No?”
“No. We have both suffered previously.”
“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”
“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”
“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”
“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”
“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”
“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”
“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”
“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”
“Do you mean that?”
“Absolutely.”
“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”
“That will never happen. You have me forever.”
“I hope so, I really do.”
“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”
“Okay, same again please.”
“Coming right up. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
21 thoughts on “You Were Warned”
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YES I WAS WARNED. HE SAID TO ME IN THE BEGINNING. ( I WILL DESTROY YOU , I WILL WRECK YOU ) DID I LISTEN.? NO , I WANTED TO SHOW HIM THERE WERE NICE WOMEN OUT THERE WHO WOULDN’T HURT YOU OR. LAUGH AT YOU OR MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. I PAID THE PRICE FOR BEING GOOD. THATS WHY I WAS CHOSEN BY HIM .💔☔ !
He said: ‘Because you – you are a much better person than I am. ..Will not hurt small animals.. (said jokingly to make me laugh – but I think he was referring to him self and that him as a psychopath/narcissist/cluster B has hurt small animals). ‘Maybe I am more intelligent – but you have much more.. moral . .. Then: ‘You are a very nice person and I like you in general – but (here came the warning, said slowly); ..you have to realise that I am SUPER allergic on somebody SCREWING WITH THE TRUTH’.. (Then silence)(he gaslighted the fact that I said no to participate in his sxx orgies with multiple people into that I was giving a ‘wrong’ answer, and that I was lying – because I did not say yes to his demand). …Finally he said: ‘But otherwise you are like Nelson Mandela. I think one of the best girls I know’. (He was most likely comparing to his harem though I think that he was just idealising me so he could manipulate me more). Earlier he had made several kinds of threats also, how he would be with me if did not comply to what ever was at his agenda during that conversation. I realised afterwards that that was all him thinking loudly how to punish me, how to do it with the biggest effect. He sure found a way:
Less than 1 month after this happened I was given notice at my apartment and where I got to know that the owner has connections to him. It eventually meant that I had to move a country. Before I moved he engaged on a full fledged horrendous devaluation something, during some months. It was horrible. Also he made jokes about how he would buy a flat and rent it out. I never understood until many years later. It was just pure cognitive dissonance. I really could not in my head make it that he was in charge yet there were many indications. That that was his way of taking the credits for what had happened and show his superiority to me and the power he had. While playing with me. Because after all, it was just up to me if I was intelligent enough, to guess it, right! In spite of the move, we kept on seeing each other afterwards, when the cycle re-initiated yet once again, even if in different cities. He was in total control. That was in 2013. Since he has done many terrible stunts, yet I hung in because he made sure to also do good .. – and when I finally tried to get away fed up with the treatment, he relied on the years of connection he had made with me, and hoovered me right back in. Off course to only start an even worse and cruel cycle of punishment including physical abuse at one point, all eventually followed up by discard. But he kept on being there. Eternal presence. It was as always, that if only I worked hard enough to please him, I would maybe be able to see him again – just like all the other times he punished me but only at slowly escalating scales and there was always a reunion. A sadist. A truly handsome and also an intelligent one. 10 years with him. Now Dec 2018 he passed away. Only 42 years old. It is unbelievably sad. Because way too soon. Because I loved him. Even if that love was maybe eventually some kind of very elaborated trauma bonding and when I knew all about him and what he was. But I know what he meant to me, for 10 years, and that was ALL.
BlueOcean
Now that he’s gone I hope you can learn to love yourself. To put the stock that you put into him into yourself instead. To dig and find out why you seek to give what others need and not give to yourself. Abusing you was not loving you – it was the way he loved himself and you do not need to sacrifice yourself to supply that to someone else. Mourn that you temporarily lost yourself. Not him.
I got this “the silent treatments are so I don’t hurt you anymore”. Double mind fuck.
“I’m not that good at relationships”, that’s all.
Anyone else get the same?
Yes my LMR narcoholic
It’s this sort of seemingly innocuous connection to someone that allows the gradual slippage of the characteristic behaviors that lead to a total mind screw. Before you know it you are confused and gaslighted into nutsville. For instance, if someone follows HG on IG and say they met HG and he said he would take them to McDonalds they should know “Hey—is that all I’m worth to him? He doesn’t eat there!” It’s like a huge problem that someone would say no to. Or, a first date and the guy pulls out some R Kelly sexual antics. Uh no, I’m not doing that.. The warnings don’t always stand out. The new normal for me is 180 degrees from what “nice girls” were told a zillion years ago growing up. The brutal reality—I would have been better off going out with R Kelly, getting soiled upon on date #1. I never would have gone out with him again. It’s not perhaps the most palatable analogy but it’s true.
Many times my family have been contacted by the N’s ex-girlfriends shortly after the discard trying to get in contact with me. I have responded on one occasion only, it was after the birth of my daughter and my emotional thinking was high along with my empathic traits.
From what I can gather from these correspondences, I have not been smeared – indeed it is quite the opposite; I am revered. It is a backwards game of using my character traits and our backstory to shift the sands and create a competition which doesn’t exist, because I am completely out of the game.
I wonder if my silence is the reason I am chosen to carry the torch of triangulation. I don’t know and I don’t care. Still, my poor twin sister fields these requests through her Facebook and there is always a theme with regard to the newly discarded ex feeling like the relationship failed because the N was still infatuated with me. This is of course not true, but must serve a twisted purpose I was not born to understand.
I am not sure why the constant mentioning of an ex in a relationship would not be a very big red flag and warning. It is not exactly romantic. I can’t imagine feeling a closeness to someone who wants to talk about their previous relationship all the the time…you, me and her – no thank you.
Anyhow, we must all look for and heed the warnings to keep ourselves safe.
Sarah, I have reason to believe that my name is being used the same way. I was thinking earlier today that my complete silence is probably one of the reasons why. Like you, I don’t know why and don’t care but I’m a little relieved there’s no smearing going on – that I know of.
I think I posted that last comment above in the wrong spot.
Anyway, there must be a suitable *your kind* match to *our kind* depending on how one is wired or else we wouldn’t be taken in. In 40 years I’ve seen only 2 occurrences where I have fallen prey and they both seem to be UMRN. The LN are just entertainment in my book, and the GN, well they aren’t usually in my sphere of influence, or I thiers.
Is this for real? I mean, who says this, the GN or is it the LN?
Luckily for the MRN I have had dealings with didn’t try this or it would have sent me packing in the first week rather than the second month. I could have it all wrong though, I mean I’ve done that before 😆 the MRN did actually LOOK like a GN in photos – how he carried himself, flirty and being centre stage (still, I guess those confidence shows can be seen across all spectrums)?
Such reads like a transcription of a conversation (possibly more than one) between Evan and I, circa 2017. Nearly verbatim!
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
I know we’re talking about the narcissist’s point of view. And I know that it is his world and his rules and his conception of it. You know that I look from behind the mirror and therefore my view of his world is somewhat distorted. Here lies the evasion of guilt and responsibility, remorse, etc. (traits that he doesn’t have either).
I know, again I suppose you will tell me: “my reasoning is wrong” from your point of view or your side of the mirror. We already know that we have specular images of the same fact, situation or experience etc.
Your Yes is a No, Your No is a Yes, and if not quite the opposite.
Your world, your rules… Ok
But as a Spanish proverb says, it is true that: “Upon warning, there is no deceit”…
Considering what I experienced with my narcissist, on very few occasions he lied to me.
It could be said that he always verbalizes the truth.
Although always also, he had a behavior that produced a cognitive dissonance in almost everything he did and with what he said or omitted.
But as in the text, my narcissist knew how to lead you perfectly on the way to the slaughterhouse.
Finally he will always excuse himself and tell you, I have no guilt whatsoever, because you were warned.
And although this is true, no less true is its manipulation and that it poured sugar into your ears, projecting its defects and abuses on its previous victim, making it look innocent, lying and decorating history in its favor. The narcissist needs to do this for several reasons, one is in a period of seduction and above all because as Ciceron said: “Great rest is freedom from guilt.” although, as you know: “One does not become innocent, simply by washing one’s hands of the situation.
Tudor already spoke of his world and its rules, which are not those of the empathic. And you will say: what have we come here to talk about, the empathic or the narcissistic?
And it is clear that you can only speak to us from your perspective. But the empath has to make a great effort to learn, understand and try to pass to the other side of the mirror… It costs but one tries… Be patient with us.
By the way, in my particular case, My narcissist never warned me of anything, that’s why I was doubly guilty from my side of the mirror. Of his, a holy man.
Is your real name Andy? I feel like I’m reading nearly verbatim what he said to me!
Good Lord, no!
Sorry to be a pain but can someone link me to a discussion on Michael Jackson I think I saw? Watching the doc , it’s all so obvious now
He’s a middle greater , HG?
Wait and see.
Ok but can I point out his facial restructuring at the end had him maybe looking like his true self? Big scary eyes no nose, skeleton looking mofo
What an image he created tho! Suddenly in his thirties he’s a little boy with a neverland ranch!
I’m digesting the reality that that was his construct
DEMBunny
Here’s the link.
https://narcsite.com/2019/03/07/the-narcissists-reality-gap-6/
I was never warned like this. My ex only went on about how his exes were the devil and he didn’t do anything wrong. He used to say he was “a catch” and he was an “amazing boyfriend”. As the relationship progressed and I saw things about him that were not right, every time he said he was “a catch” I wanted to laugh.
This made me laugh because I had a very similarconversation with my ex (HG ‘s grammar and vocabulary are more elaborate though) which I had almost forgotten!