Tell Me What You Are Thinking

 

 

TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING

You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.

“You look really well,you have lost weight.”

“That skirt really suits you.”

“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”

“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”

“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”

She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.

“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”

“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”

“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”

“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”

She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,

“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”

She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“What are you thinking?”

“Where is your mind today?”

“What’s going on upstairs?”

Repeatedly throughout the day, as  we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.

All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?

One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.

“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”

I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.

After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask

“What are youthinking about”

She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?

 

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25 thoughts on “Tell Me What You Are Thinking”

  1. Every time I read about Sophie I remember my dad’s favorite cousin which he fondly called sis. She was the first relative that my dad introduced me to because she is not judgmental in any way. Just like Sophie, she always saw something good in everyone. My dad had an adopted brother who had temper and alcoholism problems and did all kinds of bad things to my dad and grandparents and whenever his name would come up in their conversations she would say something nice about him. Like she would say that she remembers his beautiful curly hair and big brown eyes and my dad would say, “but he tried to kill me.” Thankfully she wasn’t married to a narc. She was married to a guy who was in love with her until the end. One time almost a year after my dad died something triggered a self pity party for me and I was crying alone in bed thinking that if my dad really loved me then why this and that. All of a sudden the phone rang and it was her when I answered and her voice was shaking with emotions and she told me that she just called because she wanted to tell me how much my dad loved me. She sounded like she was crying on the phone and she asked me to never forget that my dad loved me so much. I was wondering if my dad’s ghost made her do it.

  2. Sophie is my favorite. In my mind, after disengagement, she built her defenses and is now a little bad ass that always speaks her mind and doesn’t care what anyone else is thinking.

  3. Has it crossed your mind that she was homicidal. Sounds like she could have snapped at any moment and ended you.

    1. Ha! I asked H.G. once if he ever thought one of his victims would try to kill him! A little poison in his vodka on the rocks perhaps?

        1. i must not be an empath then. For most of my adult life i concerned myself with the plight of the little guy, the weak and defenseless and doing what is right. I still do and have no shame in this. If i am a narc so be it. I have been in a relationship that pushed me to my breaking point. I found myself talking to myself one day such as you describe. It terrified me. In the heat of the moment shortly there after, he began his assault to extract reaction. He got a reaction. I caught myself, but what I was capable of in that brief moment was something I am very ashamed of. I had endured this for 8 years. His ego was so, that it did not stick with him long. He believed himself untouchable and me too weak. Tbh, it revealed stupidity in my opinion. is it not wise in the art of war to know your enemy as you know yourself? maybe it is weak to choose to leave rather than test the fates.

          1. Oracle,

            I’m sorry for your experience; they bring out the worst in us.

            “…maybe it is weak to choose to leave rather than test the fates.”

            No. It takes much inner strength to leave. You can’t be/think like them; and in trying so, you only hurt yourself further.

          2. Oracle,
            You are an empath who has endured so much. WhoCares was right about it bringing the worst in us. And the fact that you caught yourself means that you do have a lot of control and strength. That’s why narcs pick empaths, because of that strength and control that we have. During my matrinarc’s worst tirades I would sometimes imagine putting an end to it by grabbing her hair and banging her head against the wall until she’s unconscious and quiet. But I have never physically hurt her although many people would be shocked at the things that I have said to my mother in anger. Oracle you deserve so much credit for your strength and staying true to yourself. Yes you are capable of delivering massive hurt on that imbecile but you have even more strength to make a conscious choice to be above those instincts.

          3. Thank you and WhoCares. I am in the self doubt stage. I am questioning my sanity and my reality. Is it me, and not him. did i remember it all wrong? Recently i took a longer look into my family…. i am having difficulty accepting it. mom was diagnosed borderline, but she was very manipulative. gifted at it really. she would make it appear she had no hand it something but really she was behind the scenes directing the actions of the others. She intentionally made herself sick for attention was another symptom. Aunt i am certain a narc and sociopath. i have reason to believe she has done some very bad things but i have no proof so i just stear clear of her. Grandma never showed emotion. She said the words but but remained ice cold. i am only learning what some of this means now and its implication on me as well. mom died recently and its a crushing realization.

          4. Hi Oracle,

            I’m sorry that you went through all of that. One big reason that empaths end up in a relationship with a narcissist is because of the upbringing that they had. Most of the time they have already been raised by a narcissist and so that dynamic ends up being normal to them. In my case I married my non narcissist husband because I consciously made a decision to marry someone as different as possible from my matrinarc so I could change the rest of my life into something that is more peaceful and healthy. But when a narcissist tries to ensnare me, I Had this strange feeling like I was at home. It felt like I belong to that dynamic which I interpreted as us being soul mates because I didn’t know about narcissism at that time yet. I have learned so much from this blog and now I am more aware of my weaknesses. I’m still in the process of fortifying myself. You will find the answers that you are looking for here at narcsite and the behaviors of your family will finally make sense to you. You will finally understand why your mom was like that and also your aunt. You will remember experiences that didn’t make sense before and finally you will understand why they happened. And you will see what made you vulnerable to be in that dynamic with your abuser and you will be able to fortify yourself and build walls with that awareness. You’re going through the same self doubt and questioning that all narcissistic abuse survivors go through and it’s all part of you rediscovering yourself after losing it momentarily because of catering to the narcissist. Wishing you healing and power and for you to gain your happiness back. Good luck on your journey.💕

          5. I see what you have gone thru and I’m sorry. My mother was not direct. I guess that’s the word. Mom tricked me so many times by managing to look so innocent in things. She would set me up to manipulate for her. For example tell me to tell her husband i would make him dinner if he wanted me to. Then if he accepted she would want me to see if i could stay the day to care for her. She was having me brown nice basically so he would let me stay the day. I didn’t mind caring for her. I didn’t get that. Any time i was being shunned or ostrasized or bad mouthed. She would tell me it was her husband or his kid not her. Then she would call me with these insane accusations that i still don’t get. Like i was in ICU. I had gone septic. No one came to see me but yeah.. It’s fine. She calls me while I’m this sick and start accusing me of stealing. I had not been there in days. It was later claimed that the cook did it but no apology…nothing… I think she was. very gifted cuz i was still blinded until her death. How did you learn to trust yourseif again?

          6. Hi Oracle, It sounds like if your mom was a narcissist she would be a Mid-Ranger. They are not as direct as Lessers. They are more sneaky and manipulative than the directly provocative Lessers. I’m sorry that you were treated like that while you have gone septic. That is really horrible to be sick and be treated like that.

            How did I learn to trust myself again? It’s an ongoing battle. I try to develop habits and mindsets where I celebrate myself and being thankful for the blessings that I get. Sometimes I slip and have self pity moments or emotional flashback, I do what I need to cope with it whether it’s crying, avoiding people, or seeing people, confiding on someone, reading the Bible, buying a new lipstick, whatever feels right for me. When I was in college living with my matrinarc I kept a prayer journal which have always put me on a positive mood in spite of her. I always poured my heart into it about what I thought about everybody and my goals. Also every wish that I asked God in that prayer journal I got. It felt like I really had a connection with God through that and it helped me survive college life in spite of living with my mom. Although I stopped that because my mom discovered that journal and got mad at me for the things that I wrote there so I lost my appetite in doing journals. But now I’m going back to it again. I think the things that I learned here on this blog gave me closure and acceptance. So I learn to trust myself again by a lot of self care and I telling myself the good things in me. And I also tell myself that I am God’s gift to my matrinarc because if she didn’t have me no one else will put up with her and she will be completely alone and not survive. God loves each of us, even the Lower Lesser narcissists lol. I believe that we all have crosses to bear and she is my biggest cross. Some people have disabilities, some people have other problems that they deal with too, and I have my mom and I accept it. 💕

  4. Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Reading your book a delinquent mind, and this post I see that only lies in forcing and provoking emotional reactions in their victims: Anger, Fear, Envy, Anxiety, Jealousy, Attachment, Addictions, Self-esteem, Soberbia, Guilt, Sloth, Sadness, Phobia, among many others through control. You control the life of your victims and because of this control you feel the Power. I can, and because I can I am powerful. In short, the power to control the life of your victims through manipulation elevates your self-esteem and elevates your ego. Because what you really need is not all these feelings really, the fuel really is the Power. Both the positive feelings in the golden age for the engagement, and the negative feelings in the time of devaluation, are only triggers, tests, that your manipulations are effective and your victims do what you want, you want … among many others.
    I understand that it can be fun for you, but for me personally, it would be so boring. Spending so much time with a person that I’m not interested in at all and that has no value for me, this kind of games of being able to control would bore me in a way.
    In the hypothetical case that I (as I am with my character traits and emotions) could exert control over another person, this would be so boring to me that I would die of boredom and tediousness.
    Well, it wouldn’t compensate me, because I would need a lot of energy and time for something that wouldn’t compensate me at all, it wouldn’t give me anything. My life is “full” enough to be able to give and to continue giving…
    Observing my own words I come to the conclusion, that your life and your actions only have the purpose of entertainment in the background. You need to “fill your lives” with other people’s emotions, both positive and negative.
    But not only that, you need to be entertained thinking how to get it because if your mind stops, this could also make you think about your reality, see and be aware of your emptiness. I think this would give you a spark in your brains and collapse.
    I really have a hard time trying to feel that “emptiness”, I think it would give me: fear, panic, restlessness, restlessness, uneasiness, fear, threat, alert, emergency.
    This would really make me need to get out of this situation, Survival. And I entered the wheel, to start thinking how to avoid these thoughts, occupying my mind in getting entertainment.
    And with it, the machinations to get other people to be with me to be entertained. Deep down I couldn’t spend much time alone. Because this would make me fall silent in the previous state and therefore I would have to be with someone permanently an IPPS. But this is not natural, and therefore I have to create a dependency of this person on me. And with that begins the narcissistic dance. Golden time when I have fun and devaluation when I get tired of my toy.
    Obviously, until my dance or play partner bleeds his feet, breaks down and his energy doesn’t flow enough and I have to change partners. Starting a new waltz. A new story.
    I really think it’s very sad what’s happening to you.
    Certainly you are people who must suffer a lot, to live this kind of life, live the nullity. And feel that absolute emptiness.
    I do not believe that in the mind of a person with empathic traits can ever put on your shoes. Because although I try it is extremely difficult to understand or try to experience the void.
    I “meditate”, and leave my mind blank, in the void, but my, this experience is positive, I feel love, peace, tranquility, Perhaps because it is controlled, or even forced. I do not have an unpleasant feeling, maybe because it is controlled and there is always a return. I don’t know how it would be, to experience an absolute emptiness. Death? I don’t think I’m wandering. hahahaha. I love to wander and put myself on the other side of the mirror even if it is momentarily.

    I think I need to know what the creature is, to get a greater and better understanding of the subject. this piece is missing, without this piece I think the puzzle is incomplete. Although I think it’s almost complete now. And I even see it logical.
    Life and mind are so amazing. And to see that it is simple survival still surprises me much more…
    H.G. has helped me a lot in my process, I have gone through a lot of states, hatred, anger, revenge, understanding, compassion and again a little compassionate love. It is liberating because you see the problem, which is not even yours or his, simply genetic, and the mistreatment and abuse received.
    Free from the weight of guilt, simply, zero contact and remake life.

    1. Hi H. G
      My ex told me half truth or a little fragment of truth and disarded me brutally. I reverse hoover him for few days to know the whole truth but he never replied back. I’m stalking him like crazy amd it’s so addictive that it sucked all of my energy through out the day. My ex is in other relationships and now an addict of alcohol and drugs too. I want revenge and also want to get him out of my head. But unable to do so. Please help.. I wanna have an email consultation too but I’m very low on resources. I have a more private issue with my ex as well. Please help if possible

  5. Dear Mr Tudor,
    The only time I ever asked a male “what are you thinking” was my first ever boyfriend in my teens … his reply was “nothing” ….. (seems to be their standard reply) …so why ask again

    Sophie was probably in 7th heaven being with you and thought how luckily she was to have a man of the world, clever, intelligent, …sounds like she was lovestruck and just wanted to please you 100%, in order for you to keep her
    She sounded naive, was over the top with niceness and obviously had issues …. (I would’ve run if I heard someone conversing with themselves like that)
    She was probably “desperate” for a boyfriend and love
    A clean gentle break would’ve been kinder to such a sweetie

    Hostages have been known to be freed without harm …just saying
    Good story
    Thank you
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Dear Mr Tudor,
      I don’t understand the piccie you’ve chosen for this article …would you mind explaining please
      Many thanks
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Hello Bubbles,

        The clue lies in this passage from the article

        “All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?”

        1. I was under the impression that Sophie didn’t get a harsh devaluation. I was wrong. How do you find women who can put up with all of that? Now this is making me rethink about my empath status. I’m probably a normal and not really an empath.

          1. You can be an empath without being a total doormat! Empaths can be strong and set boundaries.

        2. Dear Mr Tudor,
          Oh dear oh dear ….. I should’ve gone to Specsavers ! 🤓
          Sorry about that ! Thank you for being gentle on me !
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

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