Jettison
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.
We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.
Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.
This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.
We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.
This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.
14 thoughts on “Jettison”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Loving the Alien ( written Aug 2018)
I fell in love with a hologram,
stupid girl that I am.
called him my ‘alien creature from outer space’.
he liked that,
said it suited him then smirked,
stroking my hair til I fell asleep
curled in his lap,
became his very own
loyal obedient cat but
in his embrace my mind turned in on itself
when to my sick fascination
I looked up to find
two black holes in his face
where there ought to be eyes.
gut wrenched black hours from then on
‘O God please let me die’
and white knuckled afternoons
for the ‘we’ll never be apart’.
night after night
I’d dream I was tearing his flesh in search for a
heart.
‘you course through my veins like a drug’
he’d moan
‘one with the worlds most powerful,
sexiest hit’.
what a shit.
Dazed and confused I became drunk in the day
stumbling,
crying
begging like a blind leper
with outstretched arms trying to find my
way when suddenly he no longer
wanted to play.
the game was over,
my opiate tongue was speaking a language
he no longer cared to hear.
I now was stale cake
caught in his teeth after months of him feeding me
crumbs and sour
milk and can you believe it
even
our song made him seethe.
From
my once perfect mind
body
and soul, I felt him suddenly
leave.
now I am lost, afraid and
alone
desperately trying to recall
how to
breathe,
and
begin all over again.
I know I should forget him
and not even care
for I had
of course
loved something
that never
actually was there
Bold, brave and beautiful.
I think I was supposed to be the DLS. The escape and the devaluation occurred simultaneously (or so I thought).
Do you ever make mistakes? I mean, the cold fury in the devaluation actually gave me breathing time. A place to clear my head and start thinking a bit more clearly. When I started seeing things for what they were I then found your site. There was never a chance in hell for another bronze period as silent treatments don’t work for me, and I realised that there was no genuine interest. The sulk allows for ET to dissipate. My story is just a tiny drop in the ocean where time, entrapment, confusion and love bombs exist so I guess I should be thankful! Somewhat 😆🙏
A narcissist may make a mistake, yes.
Ok, I’m confused- how many sources ( not counting if you pay for them) do you have?
I am voraciously reading the many insightful blogs on this site in the wake of an end to what can only be described as one of the most painful emotional experiences of my life to date. And I have experienced much pain; the suicide of my brother, nursing my mother of cancer and watching her die as well as other many tumultuous events. But being embroiled these past 3 years with a man who fits the description of a N has almost destroyed me.He came into my life shortly after the collapse of my 26 yr abusive marriage and enveloped me with a charm and other worldliness that became so addictive, that today I have finally decided to break ties. I feel physically very unwell and have been bedridden becoming almost as dependant on these extracts and comments as I was on him.It is however providing some shred of comfort reading everyone’s comments knowing I am not alone. Thank you to the Author. I do not care what personality disorder you have.What matters is the arena provided for knowledge,validation and solace. For that I am most grateful.
I am 47, have 4 children and must pull through this.
My ex husband is 14 yrs my senior and the subsequent man,who even from the outset I referred to as ‘alien creature’ is 17 yrs my senior.
Freud would be stroking his chin and sagely nodding.
Of course I have made the made the connection to deep issues of attachment stemming from childhood.A recurrent theme of abuse has coiled its way into and my existence from birth and I am left fearing that by osmosis, I might be somehow infectious.
I shall be reading these blogs everyday with the hope that my soul can begin healing and that I can find the broken shards of my spirit in order to find my way for I truly am lost.
You are welcome here and you will find the answers which will enable you to find freedom.
Thank you Mr Tudor.
abigailvalenciahicks,
I can feel your weariness in your words. Glad to hear that you found it in you to break ties with your narcissist.
It’s no small feat to break free of an entanglement, with children, (I understand they are not the children of your most recent abuser but – it still complicates things). You’ll find so much valuable information here to help you to *not* repeat the pattern – and a place to vent if need be.
Breaking ties is the first step – best wishes on your road to healing.
Be prepared for brutal honesty . HG has done so much more for me than any psychologist ever did because he is completely honest about what he is and how to heal yourself there is no sugar coating on this page but if anyone can help you understand NPD it’s HG some of the things you read from him will be shocking but you are better to know the truth I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse from as far back as I can remember and he is the only person who has actually heard what I have said and given real advice he is also very Magnanimous he doesn’t believe he can be healed but I do he has done so much good for people like us
Abigailvalenciahicks
I am so grateful you have found narcsite as it sounds like the timing of your discovery is of vital importance to you and your family. With four children to nurture and protect, I imagine finding time for yourself is challenging at best.
Your words are very moving; I can sense your exhaustion as a result of the chaos and damage this individual has brought into your life. You have taken a very brave and necessary step moving forward to the next chapter in your future, narc-free. I sense you have a pragmatic and considered approach to your recovery and you have both the strength and wisdom to carry you through this storm.
You will find shared carriage of your troubles here. HG’s wisdom, blogs and books provide us with unrivalled education and understanding of the narcissistic perspective. I agree with your sentiments in that I have never given a second thought to his diagnosis or personal choices. HG’s knowledge and patience in assisting me to develop my insight and armoury against narcissism has been invaluable.
Since discovering narcsite, I have uncovered so many nuances and assumptions I had made due to emotional thinking. I was my own worst enemy, holding myself back from accepting the love I deserve. We are all at different stages of our recovery process here and yet we are united by unique perspectives of our lived experiences and learnings with regard to narcissism.
I wanted to let you know I am rooting for you. The beginning of the recovery process is the hardest. The more you read, digest and understand the more your decision will be reaffirmed and the further up the mountain you shall climb. High altitude can make you feel sick for a while, but boy is there a buzz when one day you realise you are no longer missing out on what is in front of you anymore.
I wish you courage on your road to recovery and fulfilment. You’ve got this!
Sarah xo
Hello Abigail, I appreciate your struggle and pain and congratulate you on the valuable insight you have found. Your insight will grow and bloom here.
I am reminded of the well-known quote by Anais Nin,
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
You will heal and blossom. And, fortunately, your attachment style can be shifted to a healthier style with further insight and support.
Welcome to your new life, it is never too late.
The more you explain it midrange narcissist the more I think that my greater narcissist is a midrange he is very successful and highly educated director but a lot of his traits are midrange I know I have been discarded and I am grateful for that I don’t want anything more to do with him there will always be a chance of hoovering but he has a large circle of fuel sources and he has no real need for me plus he gets fuel from other giving him information about where I am etc when I am around I am sure they think he needs protection from me there are a few that know about the malignant hoovering I got But most would not believe it even if they saw it themselves not until they end up on receiving end of it Thanks HG I have gained a lot of insight into the narcissistic personality mind set I will always believe that any narcissist can be emotionally healthy but that’s for the experts in the field to take care of and the narcissist themselves have a greater day lol I know mine is going to be fantastic
You are welcome.