The Five Disengagement (Discard) Triggers
The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are giving the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.
The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.
Then comes the disengagement (discard) and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be. There are however reasons why you are disengaged from. These are those reasons.
- You Have Wised Up
You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.
- The New Source Is in Place
We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.
- You’re Broken
Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.
- Major Exposure
You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manager to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtain when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.
- Wounding with Intent
You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.
53 thoughts on “The Five Disengagement (Discard) Triggers”
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Four years of narcissistic abuse! My goodness it’s been a wild ride. I’ve experienced lengthy discards, short discards, extreme advances of love bombing, bait and switch,, lots of sex, lots of word salad communication, etc etc.
I’ve been replaced multiple times. Each time it’s almost like clock work. The first time was a woman who looked oddly similar to me whom he advanced a relationship with within a week of coming on strongly to me. I had just begun a relationship too but when things ended, he came back with hopes of friendship. Perhaps I was naive but I genuinely wanted to be friends.
Then he disappeares for a couple months to Wyoming and leaves his girlfriend at home. He doesn’t mind texting me every week while he’s a way to keep me up to date. Even tells me that he has had plenty of opportunity to have sex with other women who h is hard for him to say no to. It began to fe icky then.
Before he even comes back he is watching me on social media like a hawk. Discovers what people I’ve been hanging out with and advances to become their friend too. Ends up adding my once close friend on some media sources which I later found out they’d been exchanging nudes.
So he comes back to the Midwest in three months time of his journey. Within a month he’s professing him and his gal have split and he wants me (his friend) to come over and comfort him. As a friend, I did. We ended up crossing our boundaries the next morning and we were back at square one. He got back with the girl (if they were ever truly seperatrd). Blocked me on everything. Poof, gone.
Six months later it’s over. He comes back with such audacity and I let him have it. It wasn’t just the nature of our relationship but rather that I believed he was my friend. He began to vow and swear to win back my trust. He explains how devastated he was to end our friendship and to have caused me so much hurt. I told him this is it. That I’m with a good man now and he can be in my life or not at all. No more cycling.
He destroyed a once happy relationship with my boyfriend. He slowly wrapped himself around me. Poked at all the spots he knew would work. Left again for a year while remaining friends with occasional sexual advances, short discards, etc.. He recently announced he is dating a beautiful and intellectual woman. She seems simply perfect. I want the best for him still. Perhaps even moreso, the best for her.
As I write this I know in my heart he is a narcissist. I know I will not win by being hateful or disappearing. I truly believe I have been of great comfort ove the years for him and in the off chance I am wrong, I truly wanted him to see that he was loved. I do not care to win any longer.
I am right now free of his grip. And the longer the distance and silence, the stronger I become.
I apologize for all the typos but writing all of that on my phone was a piece of work (in which I didn’t proof-read). I’m sure it’s for the most part still readable
Same shema! Seduction, Devaluation and now discard.
I was in the same city for 2 weeks. He kept telling me he wanted to see me. Texted me every day to know what I was doing and when we are going to see each other. I said yes to one night. He cancelled at the last minute. The next day, sent me some text to know when I would be available. I’ve replied tomorrow night ? Then no news from him. He was online but he hadn’t even red my text message. I sent him 2 messages but no news. Then during the night, I’ve called him from my local number which he doesn’t have. He was at a restaurant, so surprise to find that I was on the line. He lied, said that he hadn’t seen my messages, that nothing changes, he still wants to see me. I’ve told him to fuck off and I hung up. Immediately he responded to my messages and said that at the beginning he really wanted to see me but he realizes that he hates how I am always telling him how to behave and act.. so that’s why he didn’t text me back.. Because I was mad I told him to shut up and to fuck off.. he used this against me and blame me, then I sent him a voice message just to say that I am sorry I don’t have to be rude, I understand now why he doesn’t want to me and it’s fine, he should have just say it. He just replied: apologies accepted.
The next day I was so sad, because only 1 week left to this town and I really wanted to see him and to have sex with him to be fair. So I called him just to tell him that beside what happened last night I still want to see him. He said that he needs to think about it, he can’t reply now because he realized that he doesn’t like my personality. He put the blame on me that he really wanted to see me but now.. because of what happened yesterday, this has changed what he thinks. That he would have come back to me in 24h/48h if I have not calling him… I was so shocked. He told me that he will think about and he will come back to me in 24h “if he wants too..” (always wants to have the control)
I couldn’t say anything. So I let him. 24h after, no news from him of course. So I let him a voice messages just to tell him that it was a bit predictable but I respect his decisions, now it’s clear he doesn’t want to see me even just for sex so I wish him good luck and happy new year in advance. New year eve, he sent me a message with his wishes and adds “you made some progress”… I replied him with some hot comment and add that now he doesn’t it anymore so I will stop our sex game.
He called me the day after to tell me that he wants me, he wants to see me. Only 2 days left before my departure. He said that he will do his best to see me before I leave. Last day, we were supposed to see each other, but he changed his plan for a girl (I noticed it after.). He told me that he needs to have diner with his friend and go on surgery. I realized that night that he masks me on his instragram story… and he was with his new supply.. I didn’t say anything, it was enough for me. He played with me ok but I preferred to leave with class. No news from him till I am back. It’s been more than 2 weeks now. I am still mask on his Instagram story, but he still follows me and then I realized that 2 days after I was back he restricted me also on facebook but we are still friend.
I haven’t done anything because I don’t want to act or react to anything from him. But I don’t know what does it mean? He discard me but at the same time why he can’t just delete me on all the social media? What does he play this sneaky game by restrict me and mask his stories? Is it a form of punishment + silent treatment ? Does he plan to come back ? Help me to understand please
Hello Libra,
In order to receive specific and detailed input with regard to your situation, you should organise a consultation and I will assist you extensively.
What does it mean when he is very friendly one day, wanting me to come over and clearly wanted to have sex, and the next day he said «I’ll call you later», and then later the very same day, I find that I have been blocked on his telephone?
Does this mean that he had somebody else lined up and that I was the DLS?
Is this a disengagement, or just a reverse hoover to make me unblock him on social media? (I have blocked him everywhere but on the telephone..seems I dont have to, since he has already done it.)
(I called from another number, he answered, and denied to having blocked me. Then he tried to say that I had been blocked the whole time. These are lies, I called him the day before). Why lie when it is so obvoius that it is a lie?
Hope you can help me to analyze, seems I have lost all my insight due to my ET lately……)
It means that his narcissism dictated he needed to be friendly to you and he wanted have sex in order to gain fuel. Being friendly meant you would be more receptive to its provision, sex means a large amount of fuel provided (and it also acts to bind you to us).
He then got he wanted and you went back on the shelf. You became blocked thereafter because there will have been some shift in the fuel matrix (which you did not know about and could not do anything about) so you ended up being painted black and the blocking was a silent treatment.
The lie is obvious to you, but not to him. His narcissism blinds him to it – you are judging his behaviour through your own perspective (understandable that you do this but ultimately it causes you to fail to understand why the narcissist acts as he or she does).
Thank you so much for this explanation and analyze! I really appreciate it!
It also makes me angry being used like that. I have blocked his number and email, and also Paypal, and Vipps. I am so f*** gone and so done with this shit! (Pardon my french)
Good, I am pleased you did.
I brought my A game at the end (thanks to HG, though my ET was still too high) and he kept me on WhatsApp in complete silence from both of us for about two months. I didn’t want to delete him because I didn’t want him to think I even noticed, so I waited for him to delete me. Must have felt very satisfying to him, though at the same time as he deleted me from WA he sneaked onto my LinkedIn again. Conflicted narc.
Wow, I am fascinated. I’m intrigued by the perspective of a narcissist feeding off of exposure, and I am intrigued by the non narcissists laying out their battle plans. I would love to read something about one narcissist battling it out with another. Each one so confident in themselves that they know they can win the undying loyalty of the other and yet so controlled by their need to control that they stay “till death” in a cycle of manipulation. Give power to take power.
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
Possibly my case was that I was broken for my narcissist. I really think this is your perspective. But it’s a narcissistic mistake, in my opinion. The victim is not broken, nor is he insensitive, he just doesn’t show it, he is used to mistreatment. It can hurt him and it can hurt him. But he doesn’t prove it, because he has hardened and got used to it. The victim unconsciously desists from showing anything and becomes neutral. As was my particular case. I remember that in my decommitment, when he told me that everything was over, my reaction was neutral.
Yeah, well, okay. Although also, I have to recognize a little state of shock, because I did not expect it. Yeah, well, okay. Without any emotional reaction on my part, I guess my narcissist didn’t have to like anything.
I don’t know if he threw his last cartridge or attempted reactivation.
with his cardiac resuscitation machine, but I declare myself a sentimentally exhausted fuel 15/J/2008 16:30. RIP.
But now, I’m back. With an improved version of myself. Wiser, more read, more educated, more protected, with greater knowledge of myself and especially taught by H.G Tudor in the narcissistic matter.
History will not repeat itself twice, that’s for sure.
Dearest HG. I am teetering on 1. I have Wised Up, and 3. I am Broken. I feel like a newborn giraffe awkwardly trying to walk on spindly legs. My best friend at the job called me, excitedly today to ask how I am and then to gush and tell me she is planning a surprise party for the narc and informed me of his next seminar. I secretly unfollowed him on Facebook for the past 2 months, but it has not been 100% successful, because others seem so intent on telling me what is on his page, for some reason. I was speechless. Since I have been away for only 2+ weeks, he has ensnared my best friend at work. What a coup. He never even noticed her until I came to the company and embraced her right away because she is quality. When I embraced her she became a star. Does no one have eyes any more to ascertain good people? Does the new person, me, have to point out who is really who? He never noticed her because he is somatic and she is very heavy in weight, etc. Touche` for the Narc! He extended himself through me, and now I can not trust her with anything important. She is excellent supply I am sure. With lots of those traits that you mentioned. Organized, Loyal, Smart, A leader, Tech Savvy, Generous, Funny, and Dependable. She has no idea that I fell for the Narc. No one does. So I had to act sort of excited. Only he knows and I know. We both pretend that I am not in love with him. We both know it is a lie. But, she is innocent. She will be a great additional NISS. But, she told me that many people miss my energy this past 2 going on 3 weeks. Big Deal. I hate how she is gushing over him. She is married. He is charming and somatic and never noticed her one bit until he watched me embraced her. What a mess. However, my disengagement from the Narc will continue. Setbacks and all.
princesssuperempath
That facade is maddening. And sounds like your friend will be a great NISS, and will enjoy a lengthy golden period. It sounds to me like he’s intentionally chosen her in order to isolate you. Such games. I hope that your knowledge of what he truly is helps keep you from hurting while you have to silently observe this all unfolding at your place of WORK. Ugh.
Joanne. So true. It is no co-incidence. It is Check, but it is not Checkmate, yet. I just lost a huge piece, that`s all. I lost my queen, so to speak. I am weakened. I have watched him treat her like I do, over the past year. It was as if he did not know how to talk to someone like her. Someone very overweight. But, then he started seeing her through my eyes. He then started watching her, I noticed right away. She was hospitalized last year. When she returned. I ran and hugged her. Then he later came and hugged her. Afterwards, I could tell he looked uncomfortable after the hug, as he turned back to his office. Like he had hugged something slightly repulsive. I always smile and am truly delighted to see her. So, when she comes to my desk, near his office, he would smile and act delighted to see her. But, he is male and good looking, so of course, while he became me, he has those male pheromones to add to the equation. So, he is a male me, handsome, and therefore she is over the moon. I go back next week and I know I will now see that narc smirk. I can predict a bit, these days. I will continue my subtle silent treatment and dis-engagement from him. It is amazing the worlds that goes on in front of so many people, that are virtually hidden. I want her on a project I am working on, but I will inform her that there is a lot of proprietary data and that she can tell no one the plans. She will not know that I mean she can not tell him, and I will make sure she does not know the specifics. He is an expert at triangulation. She is a wonderful person. I always have been attracted to good people. Of course, one could ask, how then did I fall for the narc? Answer: My emotional thinking was so strengthened by his charm, and talent and looks, that my logic just sat down and gave up, while dodging all the Red Flags combining, like HG Tudor discusses. I believe I can steal her back if I can control my pain, that today has turned into fury, over this latest catastrophe. For now, I will have been away 3 weeks, next week, so I just plan to put my feet slowly back into the horrible waters of Narcville, next week.
I love that,”horrible waters of narcville”. Good writing!
PSE
Ugh, this is going to be an uncomfortable and tense environment for you for awhile. I’m also sad for your friend who’s been duped into thinking this narc genuinely likes her. Did I read she is married? This will likely drive a weird wedge within her marriage as well, as he strings her along. More destruction left in this narc’s path.
It is incredibly frustrating that you’ll have to re-enter your workplace like a war zone, but in a professional setting, you must have a strategy and it sounds like you do. Keep your LT strong, you know what you’re dealing with.
You’ve got this!
PS – no need to explain why you fell for him either. My logic did the same thing.
Handsome, charming, intelligent, SEEMINGLY humble… his all around good guy facade had me blinded.
Joanne. Yes. She is married. Her husband adores her, and so does her daughter. So do I. The Narc now correctly assumes that all of us see something good in her, and she is the person I embraced the most in the company, and over time, I notice that he embraces whomever I embrace. I feel like I sold her out by being so friendly to her. It never occured to me that he would give her the rush, when I was away. She and he worked together long before I entered the company. He had basically ignored her. She is goo goo eyed over him now. The good thing is that I do not feel he has any sexual attraction to her, so her marriage should be safe. But, he ensnared me without sex. Sometimes I think NISSs are not given much sympathy on these forums. I hope HG Tudor will discuss more in depth about us in the fullness of time: How much we lose. We give our years, our love and our substance, our hearts, and the ability to be intimate with other people in these scenarios, to the Narc. I did. He became a real life fantasy for me. Until he started devaluing me when he understood that I fell in love him, about 2 years ago. I can not even look at another man because of the Narc. I am still disengaging, but I have been completely ensnared by him for over 3 years of my life. What I thought was humility in his personality, was covertness. He was even covert in being a somatic narc, Joanne. I have to tell you about that one day.
PSE
I completley understand. And I believe there are other women on here who’ve been ensnared without sex, or any intimacy at all. My narc and I didn’t have sex, a lot of kissing and touching and an awkward “almost” encounter but that’s it. I really feel like they’re able to cast their spells without the intimacy though. They sell you on the fantasy and it’s just so irresistible and intoxicating. Ugh.
It’s such a sick game that they play with the triangulation. I would be tempted to triangulate HIM with another coworker myself. But we all know that wouldn’t work as we are not able to fake emotions, and purposefully use someone as a pawn in a game. Was today your first day back? If so, how did it go?
Joanne. I decided to take this week off as well. This week will total 4 weeks. I just could not deal with Narcville. They probably think I am dying or something. But, I have to go back next week. I am hoping that good weather, daylight saving time, and the frenzy they had feeding off of each other without me to bind them, will have taken them in another direction: New alliances made, me smeared, and whatever they needed. I feel that I am a different person. Joanne, you say he is hot, hot, hot, and so is `my` Narc, but if we projected everything on them, than we are the ones that are really hot. Sex with them would probably be like dealing with a gigolo or something. Too “sweet“ or whatever, to be satisfying. Another notch in their belts. Another hole in our hearts and No real intimacy, no vulnerability, etc. on their part. A sex robot, like they are creating for people in Japan. Made to order. Sigh…. Do not go there, Joanne. Some things seen, can not be unseen. You have no need to kill the beast, but use that thread of Ariadne, and back out the way you came, and go back to before you ever entertained the thought of going forward with him. You have too much to lose. Not worth it. Rewind.
PSE
The gigolo thing disgusts me. Have you read HGs book “Sex & the Narcissist?” If not, you definitely should. If ever there was any material that could quell my desire for him, it was this. It was horrifying but upon reading it, I was connecting so many dots. His moves reminded me of a high school kid. Kind of awkward, stiff, not fluid or natural. At the time I interepreted it as him being nervous, which of course added to the allure. Little did I know he was “acting” the whole time. And I wouldn’t necessarily call mine ‘hot,’ but rather has boyish good looks. He’s 45 but could easily pass for 35. And since I knew him as a boy, this had an even greater effect on me. But definitely read SATN – I can promise you that you will not look at him the same way again, especially the part on somatics – even more disturbing. And with SATN, once you’ve seen that (read it), there is no going back. I could never be seduced into sex with him now.
Good call on giving yourself the extra week. Here in the US we had DST already and it definitely makes a difference. I feel more energized, I see the season changing, I feel a renewal and new beginning. I hope it’s the same for you <3 Keep us posted!
Joanne. I put the book in my Amazon Cart to purchase next week. I hope it kills my desire/lust for the Narc, or for myself that he is my mirror to, or to my projection on him: It does become confusing. But, I have to learn all of this. Narcissism is on the rise, according to the word on the street. I can rest better knowing you will not throw your life away for this gigolo. Hopefully, no one will come on the scene that he can use to make you jealous. Do not become overly confident so that you are not always resisting, as HG Tudor says. Or, have an argument with your Husband, and ignite a Hoovering from this covert `Casonova.` Always be resisting.
PSE and Joanne, Sorry but I LOVED sleeping with mine. That was the best part of the relationship. If we could have stayed in bed all the time it would have been fine :-). PSE, I am glad you are pampering yourself and taking all the time you need to deal with your work situation.
PSE, What a master he is! You might just have to wait for your friend to be devalued, which might happen quickly if narc sees his tactics are not working with you. Then you will have to catch her when she falls.
My logic sat down and gave up too. You are not alone there.
SMH. My thoughts exactly. I will not allow him to triangulate me with her. I will allow her to enjoy herself without interference. I am there if she falls, but NISSs can enjoy long Golden Periods. I will be there for her, of course, if she happens to fall within my lifetime, but, I want her on my project, and I do not want her to damage her marriage beyond repair for a charming future faker. It seems like logic has sat down and gave up a lot around these parts. lol
PSE, We all want attention sometimes (narcs want it all the time). It’s normal really.
Remember that he is the one with the problem. NISS: HG just told me that I am one. I have this work guy too (married), whom I suspect is a narc, but I went off him a few weeks ago when I thought he was rude at a group dinner. Supposed to have a meeting this morning but I skipped it because it would have been a pain for me to get there. Emails in my inbox to schedule other meetings but I haven’t responded to any of them. I have other things I have to get done, so I’ve shelved him! 🙂 But suddenly I’ll pop up again and save the day, just when he is despairing that I will never be back. Haha.
Anyway, since your friend is not really narc’s target but rather you are, I really don’t think the golden period will last long if you don’t show any sign of being disturbed by it. But whatever happens, it sounds like you are very fond of her and I am sure you will do whatever you can to help her.
PSE
SMH has a good point. If you are completely unaffected (or at least appear to be) by his triangulation, he may just give up the game with your friend. If he was visibly repulsed by her, I would imagine it would be hard for him to continue this routine for very long. Her sweet fuel will grow stale if it’s not being complemented by your negative fuel. Maybe he will just shelve her versus devaluation but I think the key is for you to just not react at all.
Joanne and SMH> Yes. I am putting my own self on the shelf ,in the corner, and turning off the lights, away from them all, right now… I need the respite. I did something the past few weeks that I rarely do. I went shopping and bought SHOES! I Magazined out the decor in my apartment and took myself out to lunch a few times and celebrated myself. I even dressed like a baddie: Hair, and makeup and outfits for my lunches. Learned the look on some youtube videos. I felt stressed with the attention though. It is best to have a bodyguard when playing these characters: So, I am more of the quiet type, after all. lol. I am debating taking next week off as well. His big birthday party is Next Friday. Also, we all are supposed to make a short video clip and say something as part of a surprise. My friend is organizing all of this. I do not want to make a video for him and I do not want to get a gift for him. A piece of my soul that he has should suffice. I may have to get a doctor’s note. Being away for 5 weeks will be a lot. But, I need it.
PSE
A birthday party and video? Um, no. I’m glad you’ll remain absent for that one. Sounds like a giant fuel fest and you certainly don’t need that on your first week back!
Glad you’ve treated yourself to some some new shoes an dolled up. These little things are great for restoring self confidence so good for you! Rock that look on your first day back at work!
And I’m glad you’re going to read SATN. It was one of the first books I read. I didn’t think I needed it, seeing as we hadn’t even HAD sex. But wow, it was eye opening. I can promise you, if it doesn’t kill the desire, it WILL lessen it. I also found that once the desire had cooled, I had an easier time getting my ET under control.
Joanne. A giant fuel fest indeed. I shall pass. Thank you.
Joanne and SMH: I was having a wonderful morning, drinking my specially created coffee recipe, and reading your works, (1) when my married best friend at work, recently ensnared by the Narc, messaged me to see if I were feeling better. I told her I was better and thanked her. (2) Then she contacted me again to remind me to video tape a happy birthday message for the Narc for the party she is throwing for him, and to send it to her for the collection for next Friday (ahhh….the real reason to check up on me was this video snippet). I am taking next week off also, in order to miss this party. (3) I told her that I was not up to it and that I went to the Doctor and have a touch of bronchitis and that I am on steroids (all not true). (4) Then she messaged me back and told me that I am so important for the department and to just put a hat on and lower my head and say Happy Birthday to him. (5) I told her that I am a mess and am sick and in bed. No response. Why does she need me so desperately to send her a video message to him. The department is large. I am dis-engaging from him, and can not tell her. I believe that there is now a breach between us over this Birthday Party she is planning for the Narc. I am surprised at how hard she pushed me to participate. She is in a slight state of mania. I did not fold, but I feel awful. `
PSE, I can feel your dread about going back to work but good for you for resisting. I know you feel badly for your friend but narc has turned her into a lieutenant by flirting with her. This is what is making her so persistent, whether he asked her to contact you or not. She wants to please him. HG got his lieutenants to come to a restaurant as part of his machinations with Lesley and it seems that your narc is doing something similar. This is a battle between you and narc. It is just sad that your innocent friend is caught in the middle. One day in the future, you will be able to explain it all to her but she will probably be quite humiliated before that happens. It really sounds like such an awful situation. I feel for you.
PSE
Your poor friend is smitten and wants everything to be perfect for this video. Ugh 🙄
You’ve got two options. 1, you can keep putting it off until it becomes too late to stitch your clip into the video editing. 2, you can doll yourself up, find the best lighting in your house, make as many attempts as needed to come up with the most perfect video of yourself saying happy birthday.
Personally I would choose 2 😬 I would relish the idea that narc had this footage of me and could eat his guts out seeing me look fierce and confident and yes I know that is ET talking.
Another thing is that if you don’t submit this now, she could ambush you at work when you’re NOT prepared and then you’re not going to have any control over what gets submitted. At least in option 2, you get as many tries as you want to make it perfect.
*I realize this is not very mature advice to be giving and is quite petty but sometimes we need to do what we need to do!
SMH. Thank you for your response. I just needed to hear you. I have a plan B now. Her gut is telling her that I could send that video if I wanted to. Hopefully, her ET will win out on my behalf. Who knows. You are right. He is a master. I had not thought of that before. She really really pushed me. I think she needs my validation for her mania. She knows intuitively that she is taking my place. Friendship is one thing, but a hot guy is another thing. However, she does not really know how deep my place was in giving him supply in so many ways. She can not take my place, but some supply is better than none, to a Narc. Fuel replacement since I am dis-engaging my supply. Keeping the balance. Deep down inside, she knows it is because of me that he ever saw the real value in her. However, that is neither here nor there, at this point. But, I know just how good she feels trying to please him now, so I can say nothing to burst that golden bubble. Time will be my friend, SMH. I am prepared to lose her–my Plan B. I have to be.
Hey H.G.
You once mentioned in reply to me that narcissists don’t always follow the usual MO of seduction, devaluation, etc. I’ve always thought that if the person doesn’t follow that pattern, then technically he’s not a narcissist, but maybe just someone with many narcissistic traits, high up on the spectrum if you will. Is it possible for a true narcissist to not follow that pattern, but still pull out all the tools of control and abuse?
Yes.
I think I wounded my narc by accident. I couldn’t figure out why in the heck she was acting the way she was and embarked on a major analysis project, mostly via email correspondence, of the behavior of a narcissist/borderline psychologist. …I wasn’t all that mad, didn’t rage, was clinical about it with citations and stuff – and in hindsight it was a protracted criticism of her entitlement and superiority absent any fuel provision. Whoops. No wonder she had my replacement lined up ASAP.
Two years later, she’s sniffing at me like “Hey, you’re supposed to be broken. What’s up with these traits?” …right in front of her midranger emergency pick. Ok, sure – have some compliments. Maybe a bowl of fresh warm blood to lap at. …Just don’t forget to leave.
Yes—that was it. Broken. I could barely respond. It amazes me I ended up in such horrible condition.
Claire: are you much better now? Have you gotten away from it??
Much better—not away from the ongoing shenanigans necessarily due to having children but not daily mind torture. (Unless he can slip it in where he can..)
Claire. OK: I think I understand. I have decided to attempt one of their coping mechanisms for now: To create an alternate reality within myself, where I do not feel so much when an injury happens when a narc shenanigan occurs. I have decide to say: HG Tudor is teaching me. When he smirks, I will say, HG Tudor is teaching me. When he triangulates, I will say, HG Tudor is teaching me. I will try this when magical thinking and emotional thinking surges in me. I will say, HG Tudor is teaching me.. Yes, Claire. she·nan·i·gans is a good description.
/SHəˈnanəɡənz/Submit
noun INFORMAL
“secret or dishonest activity or maneuvering.“ Yes. Shenanigans is their forte`, it seems. So Childish, yet so painful. Come to think of it, they are probably hurting the inner child in us as well as our adult selves. Double the Trouble. Double the un-fun. Do something good for yourself today, Claire. These narcs derail our self care as well.
Thank you princess. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness. I’m a bit back to devastated right now after leaving the attorney’s office. Basically the formality of legal action at this point puts me in a position of hardly seeing the kids because I work a 24/7 job and the court options for custody division are applicable to M-F people. We have no idea what he will negotiate to which could counter that ruling. We have no idea if he’ll create upheaval at the kids expense (and mine) to make me hire a nanny again to watch them when I work during my court appointed time. Nannies are also a mint and I have to keep incentivized pay down to the bare minimum as well to keep my income more moderate. It’s constant fuckery—a damn chess game. I don’t want to do this. The only “good” possibility is that it would cause him discord with the kids to create this much chaos in their lives/schedules. They also more and more express disinterest in being with him and I’ve done nothing to compel this—aside from spend time with them. He does believe he’s a great guy from his perspective so he could agree to what we have been doing in terms of kid swapping… As HG would likely say it depends on his fuel matrix and how he currently requires getting his needs met.. Yes HG is teaching us—some really harsh realities.. It’s a dark day with the uncertainty.
Oh and I did do something good for myself. I ate a handful of black raspberries which exceed my daily allotment of carbohydrate intake! Only HG could understand the gravity of this action..
Ha ha, you’re going to hell!
No not hell. Lane Bryant perhaps if I don’t watch it. It’s ok—I’ll work out longer. Sighs..
Claire
Legal dealings with a narc is worse when you’re hangry. Cut yourself some slack on the berries. Hell, eat a sandwich if you have to. I’m really just trying to say be easy on yourself and don’t take too much on or put pressure on yourself in other sreas of your life while you are dealing with this. Take care.
Thanks NA—my favorite Chinese place ever just announced they are closing after 32 years in business so I have an excursion to look forward to! I do agree though—I’ve got a lot on my plate and some of it is optional. I have a tendency for perfectionism—whether it be an academic pursuit or a project, etc. It’s a self imposed stressor when I do these things, however, frequent exercise actually seems to be a good pursuit mentally right now.
Claire
Totally agree with the exercise, but eat nutritionally during this stressful period. Your body cannot handle all demands at once and the exercise will take care of a few berries and one Chinese splurge. Perfectionism is not your friend.
I actually was going to buy more berries just now at the store but I’ve developed a resentment that the sale price is gone! I’m going back to bed. I’ll be back in oblivion working the next zillion days. Work is cathartic, rarely boring, and full
of smart ass comrades.
Claire. Gosh. You even have the Court System and the Narcissist going on. What a 3 ring circus you have to navigate. Amazing. I saw HG Tudor wrote an article about going to court with a Narc. I am going to read it. I am glad you had the berries, and I have sent out an All Points Bulletin to the Carb Police, that are stealthily surrounding your dwelling, to Stand Down regarding you the berries. That the situation is being handled on a Need to Know basis. They will not breach your peace. Your carb violation was secretly called in. An anonymous narc in your realm snitched on you.
I am not surrounding myself with nutballs any further! I think I’ve had enough and have learned my lesson!
Oh Claire, my heart goes out to you with kids and all. That’s gotta really suck.
Don’t do the low carb thing! It’s so unhealthy! The body needs carbs, and fresh fruit is so good for you. I just stay away from flour. No bread or pasta, which I love.
I love pasta too—life is rigged with temptation for sure! Thanks for the comment—I am still waiting to hear back from the attorney. The reality is that whatever potential stuff he pulls the kids will make him accountable by bitching relentlessly—none of which I would have to compel. I’m trying not to get overly ahead of myself thinking of things I cannot control.