The Veiled Primary Source

THE VEILED PRIMARYSOURCE.jpg

 

You were crowned as the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) and you enjoyed that magnificent golden period. Those mesmerising days with the narcissist have gone, but the memory remains bittersweet. Blackened devaluation followed and now disengagement as you find yourself cast aside. During the downward spiral you had concerns that the person you loved and still love, was playing around, seeing other people and tarnishing that once professed perfect love. You believe that you have been pushed to one side and another has taken your crown.

Amidst the confusion and mayhem, your quest for answers, being the empathic truth seeker that you are, has led you to realise that you have been ensnared by a narcissist. You dive down the rabbit hole, reading all you can about this extraordinary disorder, shaking your head as you see the similarities of the experiences of other people, fighting back the tears as the humiliation of your treatments weighs heavy on your shoulders and still wanting him back. The wanting, the desire, the need remains and like so many others the questions form and occupy your thoughts on a daily basis.

Your suspicions that the narcissist was seducing someone else as the sun set on your empire with him, remain. You understand from your reading that the narcissist will often revel in rubbing the former IPPS’ nose in it, by parading the new IPPS to all and sundry. There are Relationship Bulletins placed on social media. The new subject of the narcissist’s infatuation is introduced to the narcissist’s coterie, the friends, the family and the colleagues as they get to bask in the golden light and you sob in the shadows. It is unfair. It is unjust. It is wrong. You worry that this new IPPS will be the one to make everything right and that the behaviours you experienced through devaluation will not be repeated. You want to derail the coupling and ensure you are installed back in that vaulted position of IPPS and this time you will strive to ensure you do everything right and avoid this awful fate that has currently befallen you. These are common responses and feelings.

You have been engaged in the customary social media stalking, looking to find out who has taken your place, but you cannot find anything. There are no posts showing the narcissist grinning with the new conquest, cold dead eyes gazing out from a score of posts, tendril wrapped about the new victim. You have not been able to contact any of the narcissist’s family or friends, learning that you had been smeared as an abuser by the narcissist, this litany of lies having been established well in advance of your disengagement. Nobody wishes to talk with you. You have managed to convince a handful of friends, failing to notice their eye-rolling, to try to find out who the narcissist is now with, but they have drawn a blank, yet you still have that nagging itch that someone new is in your place. Surely that is how it works? The narcissist needs that primary source of fuel to ensure that potent, plentiful and frequent fuel is provided to keep the construct in place. The narcissist cannot be without this particular appliance (or at least not for long) if a fuel crisis is to be averted, so what has happened? What is going on? Where is the new IPPS?

There are four scenarios which are relevant where it appears that a veil has been drawn across the new IPPS.

  1. Didn’t Receive the Memo

There is a new IPPS and the narcissist has not gone without the necessary fuel, but you do not know about it because you have simply missed the fact that this is happening. You have looked in the wrong places, you have been kept out of the loop and the side lining and ostracization which takes place following your disengagement has meant that you just have not come across the evidence of the new IPPS. You haven’t been included in the Relationship Bulletins because you have, as the former IPPS, been deleted from the world of the narcissist and you just haven’t learned of the new IPPS although he or she is very much there.

  1. Keeping It In The Family

Your suspicion that there is a new primary source is a well-founded suspicion but you have been looking in the wrong place. You have been looking for the new romantic partner of the narcissist, expecting to see him and her promenading together, dining at the haunts you were once taken to and splashed all over social media. Since you cannot find these indicators you are puzzled – surely he needs a primary source but where is she?

It is possible that the primary source is not an IPPS but a Non Intimate Primary Source and this usually means a family member. The narcissist has not ensnared a romantic primary source, for various reasons and therefore has fallen back on a family member to be the chief provider of fuel (and often considerable residual benefits). The NIPS will usually be a parent, child or sibling, in that order of likelihood. Extended family members can be NIPS but this is rarer.

If the narcissist has lived at home with a parent or moved back to live with the parent and you do not see a romantic primary source, it is highly likely that the mother or father is now the primary source. If the narcissist has children (minor or adult) and they live with the narcissist, one of these children will be crowned as the primary source and this is why you cannot find the new girlfriend.

If the narcissist rents an apartment with her sister or brother, then again, they are likely to be the primary source. If there is no romantic primary source and you know the narcissist is living with a family member, then it is a Keeping It In The Family scenario. If they are not living with a family member and you cannot find a romantic partner, ascertain whether the narcissist is spending a lot of time with a family member. Are they turning up at their mother’s house a lot? Do you know if he or she is popping across every day for dinner? Also keep in mind there are likely to be communications which you are not privy to between narcissist and family member which underlines their status as the new primary source.

  1. Troublemaker

There is a new IPPS but you are not being allowed to see that this person is in place. The narcissist is concerned that you are going to cause a major issue to the new golden period for this new IPPS and does not want you interfering. You have been smeared as a crazed harpy, the lunatic and psycho ex, so that the loyal members of the coterie form a protective wall around the narcissist and his new love interest. The coterie and the lieutenants will have been extensively briefed as to your catalogue of (fabricated) awful behaviours towards the narcissist, but your obsessed investigations as you sought to obtain answers are now used against you. You are painted as the crazy stalker, the oddball who just will not move on and although in part you are unable to move on, it is not for the reasons that have been explained about you.

The narcissist is most concerned that you are going to try to expose him or her to the new IPPS so that the wonderful golden period is derailed. He or she is worried that precious energy will be taken up trying to keep you away, fending off your attempts to display the truth about us as the narcissist seeks to manage the façade and prevent his good name being muddied. You will not find a Greater Narcissist in this position. The concern about you and what you will do is the preserve of the Mid Ranger (most likely) and the Lesser (to a degree) and therefore it is those schools who will be keeping the new IPPS on the down low. They will frequent different places, avoid social media pronouncements, block you on social media and create the appearance of there not being a new IPPS all done to ensure that you do not spoil matters.

This situation is most likely where you have escaped or if you have been disengaged it is where you have shown particular application in trying to have your truth told to many other appliances within the fuel matrix so you are refusing to abide by the expected role of weeping and woeful former IPPS. Show any fight against being controlled in this way, demonstrate a desire to confront and challenge and you will be swiftly labelled as a troublemaker. The narcissist will then pull a veil over the IPPS, shrouding them from you, ensuring the coterie makes no mention of a new girlfriend, avoiding any possibility of detection and thus ensuring that the newly embedded IPPS is not affected by your crazed rantings.

  1. Secondary Sources Rule

You cannot find a new IPPS for the simple reason that there is not one. The narcissist has not embedded a new IPPS or NIPS. Instead, the narcissist is content to operate by obtaining fuel from key secondary sources IPSSs, DLSs and NISSs. There are two instances where this occurs

  1. The narcissist is a Greater and has such an extensive fuel matrix that he can readily juggle various IPSSs and DLSs who provide plenty of fuel and therefore there is not yet a need for an IPPS (Greaters very rarely have NIPSs) . Indeed, some Greaters may operate a fuel matrix of extensive secondary sources and no primary source for several months;
  2. The narcissist is Mid Range or Lesser and has not been able to embed a new IPPS quickly enough and therefore has been forced to rely on the supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary) in the meanwhile. This state of affairs will not last long and the narcissist will be endeavouring to find an IPPS or turn to a NIPS if need be.

Thus, just because you cannot spot the new love interest of the narcissist who has callously disengaged from you (or more rarely you have escaped from) it does not mean that there is not one. Usually that primary source has an obscuring veil placed across them.

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50 thoughts on “The Veiled Primary Source”

  1. Desiree Mia

    God God!!! I’ve read some unbelievably horrific stories in my time on here and elsewhere but THIS one takes the biscuit. This is gas-lighting on a fucking out-of-this world scale.

    Your sense of reality is being undermined on a horrific level. Horrific.

    In my time, I’ve experienced the odd thing that now when I look back – just wasn’t right. It’s only now that I am on my own that I realised that my own sense of ‘reality’ had been fucked around with – subtlety – but it was there all the same. In that sense you MUST be on your own to start to reframe your own sense of reality.

    So – can you just not go – just leave. Get Out. Stay Out?

    Are there children involved?

    Do you have a separate bank account with money?

    Do you have friends/family that you trust implicitly?

    The longer the GL is going on for the more your mind is being trammeled. I am especially worried about the fact you can hear them having sex. So not only that you know he is being unfaithful that you can hear he is being unfaithful. And yet this fact alone is not motivating you to go NC. I am not judging you – I have a very good understanding of how this dynamic has developed and how hard it must be.

    Don’t necessarily assume it’s the other woman doing these things. Fact it; it could be anybody. Or a mixture of people being motivated by different agendas. You cannot make this stop. So you need to get out.

    If you can’t get out, get him out (caveat – this one MUST depend on the school of Narc involved). Change all the locks. Installing cameras and motion detectors which run through a (secure) router is not difficult to do or that expensive. You must be able to feel safe in your own home.

    Echoing Mercy – consult with HG and do it quickly. Before anything else happens.

  2. This is what I am going thru at the moment. I still live with him and there are lots of other things that make it hard to just move on and let the new dummy slide in. My belongings have been almost entirely wiped out. This is something that has plagued my mind the most and the hardest. The emotional turmoil from the property confiscating almost daily for some time now has taken it’s toll. I feel there is someone who comes to our place when we leave for the day or whatever we may be doing. This person takes me belongings and uses my shower and everything in between. Eats our food. Just makes herself at home. I thought I was imagining this for a long time until about a year an a half ago when it started to really get bad. Obvious everyday items of mine came up missing. Things like socks underwear bras etc. I went from having tons of pairs of socks and lots of bras and underwear to almost none. I have never been one to forget or throw my own clothes away. He all of a sudden acted like I had none of the things I said we’re gone and that I probably made this up to start a fight with him. My toiletries are disappearing as if I used them over and over after only using them one time they are almost emptied. My makeup goes missing from my purse. My eyeliners are sharpened almost til they are lil nubs when they were brand new. My lipsticks have been cut half of the way gone. I will also have brand new pieces of make-up like a new mascara and all of a sudden I’ll go to use it and it’s not new it’s old and empty dried out and the label all faded. I think my new things get traded out for her old ones if she happens to have the same product as me . This sounds crazy but it’s happening. Very hard on my soul. I don’t understand. It’s so wrong. I go to get something of mine and it’s almost always not as I left it and is missing never to be seen again. I am sorry for going on a rant. My point is this new chick of his is someone I know. She all of a sudden doesn’t answer my calls or texts at all. She has said things in the past that I Never told her and somehow she just acted funny when jon didn’t come to her place with me or come inside with me at her place. Just lots of weird vibes. I just know. But of course he will take it to his grave. This is sick stuff, I can hear him sometimes with her next door obviously having sex. Not only that but she sneaks in the window of the spare room on the other side of house which is locked from me entering. I know this sounds nuts but I know my surroundings and I can hear when things have changed around me. You know that feeling of there being someone there like when you turn a TV on? Or the floor creeking when nobody else is awake or moving around or the breeze from the door being opened or a window. I know and I want to get my hands on her and give her a good slap for being so disgusting. She knew my situation pretending to my friend all along while having relationship with my man. This is a difficult thing to let go of. I don’t know what to do

          1. Hi Mercy
            It seems too extreme and there’s too much talk about makeup. Inconsistent as well. A neighbour? Someone she knows?
            On the whole, there’s something that trips my BS metre.

            Could be totally wrong. It’s only written word. Not face to face.

          2. TT, I don’t think I’ve read any previous comments from DM so theres not enough for me to decide, but if it’s made up it was a hell of a good story. I read it again and got goosebumps again! It’s creepy, can you imagine that happening to you? No way no. I couldn’t stay.

          3. Yes dear Mercy. No fucking way. You’re right, not enough info yet to go on.
            I share ava101 sentiments too

            I didn’t want to waste HGs precious time with an email, I thought he might hold my comment back, I just wanted to communicate that to HG and the post was the most convenient way.

            DM, if you’re reading, don’t stay away because of my comment. I’m one of thousands who comment and as I said earlier, I could be wrong.

          4. Tappi,

            I understand why you felt that way. Lots of different scenarios are possible with very little info that we have. She should consult. It’s possible that her boyfriend is letting this woman in or gave her access to their place, it’s also possible like Ava101 said that he might be the one gaslighting her. But this also reminded me of my mom who swore to me that people come in at our house whenever we’re out and eating our food and using our toiletries. I totally understand why you thought that. There’s just so many different possibilities out there. So it is beat for her to consult and give HG more info. And she needs to get out of that situation.

        1. I / we cannot know, Tappi. You could be right, but we’ve all been stuck in an impossible situation before, too, right?

          But I know that feeling of someone being/having been in the house, and also that sick gas lighted feeling of someone messing with your stuff.

          I have an ex who re-arranged my books, my groceries, etc., while I was gone. That was really weird and it’s a crazy-making feeling even when you know who it was, — but not as creepy as when you are sure that your stuff had been different and at a different place when you left it, without anyone around. That can make you question your sanity, and I’d go with gaslighting (have you watched the classic movie, btw?).
          But an invisible person using your stuff all the time, living off it, like one would share one’s intimate possessions — that is really creepy. For me, it was strange enough when I had the feeling that my ex housemate or her boyfriend (a stranger to me so) was using my shampoo, etc., and once that someone had used my tooth brush, it seemed strange to me! It is all a really weird feeling as you try to tell yourself “no, they wouldn’t do that, noone has messed with my tooth brush, I’m just tired, or not used to have different people around ….”. … but one cannot know.
          [I used the conditioner of the ex girlfriend of my other ex housemate / most current ex-narc-fling by mistake because he had told me I could try his and I didn’t know he had kept her stuff around! I hated that feeling, too, *lol*, and didn’t want my hair smell the same as his ex’s.]

          I had rented at 2 different places apartments where I had the distinct feeling that someone (as in: the landlord with a key) had been in my apartment when I was out, with things being just a little not anymore at the exact same spot – so I never could be sure. Like a box being moved 10 cm, TV at a different angle, papers re-arranged… but as one doesn’t mark it down, one isn’t entirely sure and attributes it to being tired, and so on.
          But I changed the locks, and it didn’t happen anymore … but the feeling of being watched remained. I moved — the feelings were just gone so it wasn’t me, haha.

          I had mentioned in November/December the house I was renting in the countryside in Portugal, where the father of the landlady had been in the basement and had left the door open one day?

          I had heard strange noises, had weird feelings, also that draft like someone had opened a window, … door to the shed open one day …. told myself it was just me and that old house. I didn’t have the feeling that my things were being touched, but one of the bathrooms looked different to me one day (like shower curtain drawn, etc.) and I kept having a vague feeling like someone had been in the house. That changed, too, when I got a key for the door to the basement.

          Either way, the only solution is to move out.

          1. Ava101, your first paragraph “we’ve all been stuck in an impossible situation before”. That is why I wait to judge any situation. What we have been through, others would never understand or believe. Impossible anyone would do those things, impossible you didn’t know what was happening right under your nose, impossible you would go back after what you claimed was done to you. Now that I’m no longer under his influence I realize the lengths a narcissist will go to make us crazy. I keep thinking what HG said. “1 in 6”. Everywhere around us is either a narcissist or someone who’s been abused by one.

            On the flip side of that, I appreciate others perspective like Tappi’s. Sometimes it takes a nudge from someone else to remind me to have caution. We all need those little reminders.

        2. P.S.: remember that narcs think your stuff is theirs, they simply take over possessions and they like new things. They are also good at throwing stuff of other people away and at deleting your presence. Her ex will feel entitled to anything.

          I had co-workers destroying property on/in other people’s desks, stealing their personal belongings, and also new supplies, such as — you got yourself a new pen like 100 times, but kept having only old ones each morning.

          Boyfriend a narc? Other girl a psychopath? Anything is possible.
          Whatever is the case, it’s coming from abuse.

          It would shed some light on the mystery if we knew why she is still living there, and what the other people involved want.

        3. Me again, because keeping thinking about it …
          … I think this is an interesting topic: “The narc and other people’s possessions”. And also “how they use your possessions for gas lighting”.
          HG, I wouldn’t mind an article on that whole issue: not respecting other people’s possessions, space, etc.
          And: have you ever done anything like that? Gaslighted someone by exchanging, changing or using things?

          Tappi, 2 ridiculous examples came to my mind, along with ex-narcs throwing away my stuff without hesitation:
          – when I was moving out of the apartment of the current ex-narc-fling, one of my kitchen utensils he loved, kept mysteriously wandering back into his cupboard. First from the dishwasher (before cleaning), then from my transportation box back into the cupboard.
          – the ex-narc would always take my favourite small extra pillow and stuff like that.

          —> No thing is too small for them and the solution to “why the make-up” might be simply that it is kept in a shared bathroom? ?? Along with, that it is important to the writer?

          Desiree, please get out of that situation. Your peace of mind and feeling safe is more important than anything else.

          1. I have and there articles with regard to behaviours concerning space and possessions. See Danger 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist.

          2. HG? Could you describe what you did in regard to gaslighting and exchanging things or something like that?

          3. Haha ava101 that made me laugh. I miss our girl K too. I haven’t seen any comments from her the last day or two.

            HG I ordered the Danger book. I’ll be reading it this weekend.

          4. Hey ava101 and mommypino
            Thanks for taking the time to write about your experiences, you’ve both got some shockers to share.

            My experiences with narcs and possessions is nothing like that. My ex did try to keep one or two minor things- a shower cap and cooking utensils come to mind. When I realised, I took them back without discussion or asking. Now that I think back, he kept a lot of my ‘garage stuff’, mainly tools and now that I think of it, a really good French frypan- fucker! I let it go as I had more important things on my mind. I had moved cities and was busy relocating and restablishing myself.

            The lesser variety sound bloody awful at close quarters! Xo

          5. Ah great post, K. Thanks for this. I had never read it and of course you know that I didn’t understand what Gaslighting was. I wonder how often MRN used it on me but then I think well, if I didn’t notice then it couldn’t have been very effective!

            I really only remember one time he intimated he was coming over and didn’t follow through – I’d already made alternative plans just in case – I’d only known him for about 3 weeks. When I inquired, he said he’d been out for drinks after work, and I said oh, okay. I then dumped him (for the first time) when I fell asleep while we were messaging one morning a few days later. Basically, I was getting bored and I began to suspect that he preferred virtual sex. That really got to him – he would bring it up over and over in order to deny it, even though I never mentioned it again.

            That was the only time he did anything like that. His game was rather to not commit to anything until the last minute. Mid-ranger not on his A-game.

          6. My pleasure SMH
            The articles with the Good Doctors are some of my favorites. If you don’t notice the manipulation, does it really matter?! I was oblivious to some of them and they would just switch to another one anyway.

            They like to keep their options open (in case a better fuel opportunity presents itself) and won’t commit, or commit, then no-show. Some of my narcissists were like that and some would repeatedly bring things up, too, over and over again; I thought they were mental. Now I recognize that it was done to assert superiority and gain fuel and control.

            When they acted like that, I would ignore them and chalk it up to Alzheimer’s or stupidity.

          7. Yes, K, well we’ve also seen from HG – the Questioning Me post, I think (the one where his IPPS is always asking him questions and then he overhears her talking to herself) that they can be persistent with their bag of tricks!

          8. Oh Lord, K. I just read Tractor Beam. I had not seen that one before. Thank you. I have to admit that I burst out laughing at the “horror” of it all. At first I was thinking that I could see myself as Lesley. Excel (aka MRN) would do similar things all the time, though not with such flourishes. It’s just an extended example of the push-pull thing (or pull-push). Good reminder to GOSO.

            HG, how do you get your Lieutenants to do those sorts of things for you?

            Also, HG, it seems you have no respect for the women who do fall in love with you. Like you don’t want to be a part of any club that will have you. That is why the devaluation happens and the same might happen with SM. You have to learn to love yourself first. I hope that is what you are working on.

          9. 1. Through being me.

            2. Devaluation occurs for the reasons hitherto explained and no other reason.

          10. But what did you actually say? That is, what story did you make up so that they would do what you wanted?

            Devaluation feels to me like someone who cannot accept love, never mind give it.

          11. SMH
            After I read that, I was like: Oh, shit…that was so bad, it was good. Based on her treatment of Lennox, she had it coming (Chicago: Cell Block Tango).

            “She only had herself to blame
            If you’d have been there
            If you’d have seen it
            I betcha you would have done the same!”

            That was an excellent example of a malign hoover, initiated by Lesley, in the fifth sphere, which led to a more direct one in the first sphere. NC is the way to go.

            This article below is related to Tractor Beam. That’s No Moon!

            https://narcsite.com/2017/01/15/an-irresistible-pull/

          12. Ha, K. This one is great too. I once told Excel that he thought I was a satellite orbiting around his planet – he thought the magnetic pull of his planet meant that I would always orbit around him. Nah ah. That’s the moment I began to hurtle into space. Soon enough, I had disappeared into the void and wished him luck magnetizing someone else.

            As for Lesley, yes, I know what she did to HG’s brother and also that she initiated contact. But I have also read other things where HG completely unnecessarily destroys people. It’s the overkill that I don’t get. He tells us to know when to stop and to walk away but he cannot walk away himself. Guess that’s the malignancy.

          13. SMH
            It is very difficult to understand but, from his point of view, it is necessary and a consequence of his malice.

          14. Yeah I get that, K, but what a friggin waste of time. So many other things narc could be doing. They really are slaves to fuel.

          15. SMH
            If you look at it objectively, HG seems to get a lot done and I know an empath who is a slave to her emotions. She spends a lot of time obsessing and doesn’t do much; she takes meds and wallows; it’s frustrating to watch.

          16. K, Yes HG seems to get a lot done but it is hard to tell from just his online presence and he is not your typical narc. It is like being a slave to emotions – good point. I was there for awhile with Excel and didn’t like it one bit because it isn’t me. I don’t wallow. I will never let anyone push me off my path again.

          17. SMH
            Ha ha ha…based on his IG alone, I think he is a mover and shaker. We have all been there and that is ok, but we have to move forward and I am with you on that, no one will ever push me off my path again either.

          18. K, I’m just seeing this. Thanks so much! I never read that one. It actually humored me. Both Dr E and HG learned something that session.

            Your response’s to SMH is dead on about keeping their options open in case better fuel comes along. I caught on to that after many no-shows. I always just thought he was being a dbag but now I know I was a fuel option on ice.

            Today I made another realization about BS and I’m having a hard time with it. Its good to get clarity on thing that I questioned then, but those things happened years ago. I wish the flash backs would end.

            I’m going to read tractor beam now. I know if IT girl but don’t this I’ve read this one.

          19. Mercy
            I was always baffled by “the changing of the plans”. Now it all makes total sense. They need fuel so they have no choice but to keep their options open and they get double fuel provision when they no-show or ditch you, which provides contrast.

            Eventually, the flash backs won’t bother you as much, because those negative feelings are replaced by indifference, and then you can look at them objectively and learn from those experiences but it does takes time.

            Tractor Beam has an interesting ending, to say the least.

          20. Desiree – I am dying for more information …. and how you got on ….

            K:
            Yay!!! 🙂
            Where have you been ?!

          21. Thank you K for the link! Do you also have an idea where taking/removing/changing/exvchanging possessions might be mentioned?

          22. Hello ava101
            I have been reading, posting on other threads and listening to the new Youtube videos.

            Type: Ice Cold With Alex into the search bar (HG removed the ice from the house before the competitions) and I will check the archives to see if I can find anything else for you.

        4. Tappu Tikarrass, I buy it. If she lives in a big house and works long hours it is all quite possible. If it’s his house then he can control who has access and when, etc. The friend thing – someone who was your friend but is acting strangely – also makes sense to me. It sounds like the narc and the friend are deliberately trying to make her crazy, which would explain the stuff with the makeup. If it is true, I hope Desiree Mia does arrange a consult with HG. She needs to get out of there PDQ too.

    1. Desiree, this is so awful. Please leave this situation if you can. It is so destructive to you. If you can, do this consult with HG. Let him help you out of this. All the best to you!

    2. Desiree, what you wrote chilled me to the bones. It’s as if someone is trying to take your identity. I can’t imagine what this is doing to you mentally. Please consult with HG.

    3. What is the reason you’re still living there?

      Might as well be him gaslighting you, or other reasons … — but that isn’t as relevant as you moving out.

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