Told You So

TOLD YOUSO

 

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

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20 Comments

  1. HG, a LMRN told me that she had a pattern of breaking up with people 3-4 months after dating. Of course, this was when we had been dating for close to 3 months.

    I remember being concerned when she said that, but I didn’t particularly change my behavior. I continued to provide fuel, of course, but I didn’t ramp it up nor did I ask what I could do to last beyond the 3-4 month period.

    I was shelved around the 3 1/2 month mark, and she promptly moved onto her next appliance.

    Was the purpose of her saying this to exert control, create uncertainty on my part, and triangulate? Is this considered devaluation or was this a test that I failed which then led to the shelf?

    As always, thank you in advance for your insight!

    1. Your observations are correct. She consciously made the statement out of grandiosity, but what was behind it was the need to exert control and to test that control.

  2. He told me several times that I didn’t really know him and two months ago he said he actually is a wicked person. Didn’t give him any response on those revelations . So part from the fact he needed me to react is there a chance he is aware of what he is?

    1. Highly unlikely, unless he is a Greater, but that is highly unlikely. Do a Narc Detector Test and you can find out his school and cadre and then your understanding can flow from there.

        1. This always perplexes me HG because I feel they do know. Both the Mid ranger and the Lesser knew they had something wrong with them. They knew. They may not have not known the term Narcissism but they knew that their emotions or lack there of along with their behavior was not normal. Mr. Lesser said “ no one normal stays with me. I am an asshole”

          1. There is a massive difference between saying ‘There is something wrong with me’ and knowing what they are. Remember, the ‘there is something wrong with me’ is a very subtle form of blameshifting. The narcissist is blaming the condition, they do not accept that this is actually them, thus they unconsciously distinguish between the condition being accountable and themselves – they regard the two as separate. This confuses you because you consider the condition as part of the narcissist, the narcissist does not owing to the narcissistic perspective.

          2. Ok I see. I dis see that he considered what was wrong with as something separate but I still do t know how they don’t know they are narcs. In their 20s they do not know they are narcs they simply haven’t had enough failed relationships but by their 40 s they are aware. It’s hard for me believe that they don’t google what their victims accuse them of and not come up with Narcissism if only in an objective sense. You

    2. I feel the not knowing what they are is tied to their age in many cases. I knew Mr. Mid Ranger as a young adult and I can tell you back then he didn’t think there was a damn thing wrong with him but now as middle aged man he does. Over time with failed relationship after failed relationship add to it more years of observing others behavior with their significant others they start becoming aware something isn’t right with them. So to me their awareness is more a function of time then anything else

  3. And the absolute classic…

    “You’re the only one who’s ever done me from behind with a strap-on. You know my asshole more intimately than I do.”

    1. My narc goes out and gets the real thing, that’s a secret I have in my vault. The smear campaign is starting with me and I may use this proved information if he doesn’t stop and idc what fuel he gets from it. Really don’t care.

  4. Exactly. He would always tell me he would leave me. “I’m a wanderer. A rolling stone. I don’t want you to be devastated when I go.” I would say we have no worries about that. We cannot bear to be away from each other more than a day.
    I wasn’t worried.

  5. WOW, wow, 😮. Did you record my conversations with me and my narc. Holy moly. Come on , really but does this type of narc know what he is or does he just know he sabotages every single aspect of his life? H, now this literally blew my mind! You r making me stronger and stronger. Thanks for the knowledge once again. Powerful

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