Wrong Forever On The Throne
It is late. The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity. It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have no concerns, for the day has proved fruitful, as always, in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions. There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.
My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember. My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now? Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things. I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be. Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate. There is not hope for me to do anything else for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I deserve none. It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and hope that somehow I feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing. Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom. We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. How I miss doing so together. Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish me? Perhaps you do and I know that such punishment is only right for one such as I. I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.
I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response. Please, come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.
56 thoughts on “Wrong Forever On The Throne”
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Spoken like a true codependant encaged in their own prison.
Dearest HG: First of all, I appreciate all of your insights. Secondly, I do my best to read them all, and the videos, but finally I understand that it will take a while. I am new at learning about all this, and it takes a little time to consume all the material. Thirdly, I am reading as fast as I can. I have a lot to say on most of the articles, but right now, reading and learning, I decided, is number one on the triage list. Fourthly, you have the best subscribers…so smart, and yet still empathetic. I decided to take one more week off from work, this week. Makes a total of 4 weeks. I have learned a world of insight these past 3 plus weeks and counting. I do believe I will be smarter and wiser and more logical and stronger, when I go back. I told the mid-ranger I would be back this week, when he asked me during a text message last week, but I changed my mind, and I will not inform any of them. Fifthly, I am tired of being their miss goody 2 shoes. So, I lied. Feels good. Let them think I died or something. I do not care. And, I know to never let my guard down. Sixthly. I have learned so much from you!! When I talk to people in my offline life about their relationships, they stare at me in awe and tell me I am so wise now. Wow. Question: are you going to tell all of us more about the new dynamic you are utilizing in your own life? I hear about it so much, this new dynamic, but I do not know what you all are talking about. Also, just in case, since good people are harder and harder to find, be careful with your girlfriend, in case she is top shelf in the world of fuel provision. I know you can do it, if you find reason to. Presumptuous of me, I know, to give you advice, but I am well intended. Now, I will commence reading more of your articles. Very good stuff, indeed.
Come back to me and prove me right. Convince yourself, once again. You owe yourself the truth that I am, indeed, this incredible, unforgettable God, to which your existence would now be futile without. I am a vulture in captivity and you are the rotting flesh which I smell, constantly – ready to be devoured, but just out of reach. I need to swoop down before the lions take their share – leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere.
Wow. What a piece. <3
Pale Horse, How are you? We haven’t seen you in awhile. It’s sounds all to familiar. It is a struggle we all go through! Perhaps consulting with HG will help. At least stay here for awhile and we will help you through it! 🥰
Hi FM1T, I haven’t posted in awhile but I check in from time to time. I think my problem lies in how much my life has changed since my divorce. Life seemed much more exciting and fun in spite of the obvious negative aspects of such. Weekends are really a struggle due to flying solo. I’m 44 and essentially starting from scratch.
Dear PH, Perhaps it time for you to get out there and mix it up a little bit?! Your lonely, that’s one thing I can relate to. Do you have any hobbies or maybe something you always wanted to try but never got around to it? I do know you will get through this PH! Please take care of yourself.
Hi FM1T,
I like to travel and am thinking about taking some day trips during my weekends. Weekends have been rough for me being lonely and all.
PH, Day trips sound like a wonderful idea. I can understand how weekends are lonely. Most of the week you are at work and kept busy, weekends are your down time so naturally ET is higher and the loneliness sets in. Be good to yourself Pale Horse you will get through this. 😘
Pale Horse
It was not exciting and fun. It was chaos and stress dressed up as such. It made you FEEL temporarily where you may have been numb, and that is what drives the addiction. The hit of chaos (feeling alive) before the inevitable downward spiral. You need to find the thing that makes you feel alive without abuse following it. You will.
NA
Thank you for your insightful feedback and support. Very much appreciated.
Ugh. I’m depressed and anxious again. Kind of comes in waves. NC has been strong. Cannot wrap my head around this.
Pale Horse
The pull of the emotional tide can be strong but focus on dry land and remember how good the sand feels between your toes as opposed to the panic of taking on water. Focus on future – not past. You will hold strong. I know it.
Eloquent and empathic NA, as you usually are.
Geez I’m supposed to be going to bed
NA
I hear you. In a twisted way, I cannot envision a future as lively, exciting, etc as my past with my NEX. It has been a difficult adjustment with moving back home, starting the new job and being absolutely bored out of my mind in my free time…
Pale Horse
It is like Molasses Swamp in Candy Land. Those emotions just pull you right in and you are stuck in a morass of misery. It sucks big time! Try reading and posting your way through it, sometimes, the logic helps me wade through the sadness and anxiety quicker. Just keep going forward. The process sucks but it passes, eventually, like a Nor’easter.
Thanks K. It definitely sucks. Will keep reading and posting. This blogging community has helped me through the darkness before.
My pleasure, Pale Horse!
Pale Horse, do you have anything to fill up the hole that NC left/leaves you with? Therapy? To help you find out what went wrong? To help you focus in a structured manner on building a new perspective?
I like your comment, shesaw.
Pale Horse, do you like to volunteer? Is there a hobby you wanted to learn? Have you tried the meet up site?
Being here helps as well as finding ways to enjoy your new adventure of life.
Shesaw, yes what went wrong is that I have an aversion to quitting. Which, in my marriage to my NEX, lead me down a long road that I should have never traveled. So, essentially one of my greatest strengths worked against me in that situation.
Pale Horse
Easy said, but try to shift your aversion from quitting the marriage to quitting on yourself. Be as tenacious in preserving yourself as you were then.
I like that NA.
Pale Horse, so what went wrong is what you considered to be good. That really sucks. It makes me sad to read your pain.
It doesn’t mean that your strength is at fault though. It means that it needs to be updated. You need to adapt it, so it won’t work against you again. That sounds simple. It isn’t. But it limits the problem somewhat, I hope.
Narcissists betrayal is devastating. It puts you into chaos. What you thought was good, turns out to be bad. Your own strengths have worked against you.You don’t know anymore what the past was. And you don’t know what the future is going to be. That is deeply disorientating. It is traumatic.
I remember cutting ties with Nex. It put me in a depressed-like state (several times) and I did not know where to start moving from that. I couldn’t hardly distinguish what was real and what I imagined (about the past, about him, about me). That was on my mind when I asked you if you were seeing a therapist. A good one will help you cut through the BS and you will start feeling alive again. It can be a real blessing.
I thought that maybe you can find a challenge in rebuilding your moral framework. You applied your strength to the wrong goal/person. It took you years of your life. But it is still a strength. You ‘just’ have to adapt it. Keep in mind that “life really does begin at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research” (CG Jung). Your adventure has only just started 🙂
Revisit your ideas and your convictions and rebuild. From personal experience, this ‘odyssee’ has the potential to give you back the spirit in your life. I wish you that.
Hi Shesaw,
Thank you for your response. Your third and fourth paragraphs accurately describe where I am at right now. I have started seeing a therapist and I am hopeful that it will prove beneficial.
That is really good to hear, Pale Horse, that you found someone to walk that road with you for a while. On to the next stage! I am happy for you and hope that it will prove beneficial indeed. Wishing you all the best!
I like the way you are very descriptive about what is around you like sounds the colors and the time of day and so fourth very good hg another interesting piece of work
Thank you
Well you always say HG never looses and always gets what he wants! So it looks this is a done deal! Wedding 💒.
HG, would you really change for this one to sit as partners on the thrones? Or is she only special because she has become just a fantasy that can never be fulfilled? I could ask if this is a grandiose Hoover but you always insist that this isn’t what this blog is for….
It is not a grandiose hoover.
As I have stated previously, we shall have to see what happens.
Thank you for the honest answer. You don’t really know which means you have no plan. I hope she does see this and come back but purely for selfish reasons. I am intrigued on if you would still love her over time with you. Would she be a fuel source that deteriorates or will you love her enough to find contentment…
Interesting
I have a plan to ensure the new dynamic is maintained and flourishes but I am also seeking to apply honestly by stating we do not know what will happen, but I know what I want to happen. Thus, it really is a case of we have to wait and see!
Looking forward to hearing more about the new dynamic and your plans. I commend you on your honesty too. I hope the best for you both. If anything does not go as planned for any reason, I also hope you will not give up on the new dynamic.
Thank you.
Hello HG Tudor.
Waiting to see what happens?
I will predict the future, like Oracle of Delphi.
H.G everything will start wonderfully, you will unfold all your charm and seduction. But, like a curse, you will inevitably become bored, what was initially bright and new will become monotonous, you will feel fed up and tired of your affections. His presence alone will lead him to boredom. Keeping the golden age will become a heavy burden for you. For her feelings towards you will be transformed under your perspective into something soporific and dull. The time you spend with her will become tedious and annoying. Tired and tired of this, you will try again to get out of your boring and gray life next to her. Because it will be vulgar, ordinary, mediocre. What once glitter, finally went out, becoming again and having to leave their monotonous, anodyne relationship. Punishing her for having disappointed and disappointed her. She won’t be the only one.
But don’t worry H.G. Tudor, I also see that after this, a new Light will come so bright that it will dazzle you again and that perhaps it can be the only one. You just have to keep on clinging to the hope of that new light that I see on the horizon.
With love your particular Sibyl
from the Oracle of Delphi…
More predictions coming soon
To be continued…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
J.G – I am positive that our mercurial HG has found his gravitational lock to the sun. His current sun. This time he has slowed his rotation to almost match his orbit around the sun-maiden and their dynamic will work very well and in full happiness. That’s my prediction and it may change. Stay tuned!
You better make this work HG or else…
Ha ha very good.
HG ,
Would it be too much to ask what her sign is…just for funsies!
You’re a Virgo and Shieldmaiden is???
She is Aquarius
Lovely❤️
She’ll always see the bigger picture then. Sounds like a good fit for you!
Oooh the highest greatness feels somewhat disappointed? How can that be!
Hauntingly beautiful. I could feel every word of it. Thank you.
How very Heathcliff of you 😇
Ah, the business of life is the acquisition of memories. Is it not?!
Fuel first, Sniglet. Fuel is the rule.
HG Tudor – speaking of fuel. Do you have a song which would describe your need for fuel? There is a classical song which I like since childhood and I believe it’s melody describes the developing need for fuel in a narcissist’s mind. It starts quietly and slowly (chronic fuel need) and develops louder and faster (acute fuel need) stimulating the senses warning of impending gravity of the situation. Once the need has been fulfilled the melody slows down but never goes away. Then repeat. It is The Flight of the Bumblebee by Rimsky-Korsakov. No other version. Any other version would not have the same effect.
https://m.youtube.com/results?search_query=flight+of+the+bumblebee
I don’t but your suggestion would be apt for a Mid-Range Narcissist.
Interesting. What melody would you think would describe a greater and a lower narcissist’s fuel needs?
Lesser would be the sound of someone drunkenly walking into and wrestling with a large drum kit.
Greater – Zadok the Priest.
Zadok the Priest and Waltz 2 were played at my first wedding.
I know. I was giving it large on the organ.
I remember. You worked like a Trojan on that full swell organ. It perked me up. I have an empty seat at my next wedding. Come.
This post will be but a memory as you and SM sit on a balcony with hands entwined and fingers laced and arms embraced, with smiles and fuck yous to the challenges faced. You extend her an invite to share your throne. As she accepts, you extend a middle finger to the crone.
cannot……