The Key To Entry
With the brief injunction from my mother to ensure I spoke up or suffer the consequences I returned to the consulting room of Dr M. We took our seats and he smiled before adjusting his suit trousers, pulling them up at the thigh. I cast a quick glance to his nether regions but no hole had yet emerged.
“Now Mr Tudor, we did not make much progress last week. It is of no concern. I wondered if you perhaps felt more amenable to speaking with me on this occasion?”
I started to nod and then spoke.
“Very well.”
“Excellent. What would you like to talk about?” he asked.
“Why am I here as in why am I sat in your consulting room,” I clarified before he started providing me with some smart alec response as to the meaning of my existence. I knew why my family had insisted that I see Dr M and more recently underline the necessity of speaking to him, but I wanted to know what he thought. That way I would be better prepared to deflect him.
“Why do you think you are here with me?” he answered casually. Marvellous. He was one of those people who answered a question with another question.
“I asked first,” I pointed out. He nodded.
“Your family are concerned about you.” I snorted which seemed to take him by surprise.
“Those bastards only care about themselves.”
“Why do you say that?” asked Dr M seizing on my remark.
“It does not matter, go on, you were saying.”
“Your family are concerned about you. I met with them and they provided me with background information. I am aware that you are a high achiever and have always been so. Your family are concerned however that you stop at nothing to get what you want, that you have disdain for most people and you leave a trail of carnage in your wake. I think that is a succinct way of putting it. They want me to discuss this with you and to receive my opinion.” he explained.
“It’s bullshit all of it,” I remarked. My voice was low but the venom was tangible. Dr M remained silent.
“I have no idea what they are talking about. I stop at nothing to get what I want? They have never complained about my achievements before. They don’t like it that I am outshining them. That is the problem here. They always do this. Try and make their problems my problems, I am sick and tired of it. I have forged my own path and done bloody well too and all they want to do is bring me down. It is jealousy. That’s why I have little to do with them. Did they tell you that? I bet they tried to make out that I am aloof and never attend family gatherings didn’t they? They never invite me to them. I keep in touch most with my younger brother and he tells me about these gatherings and I always find out after the event. Did my younger brother speak to you?”
Dr M nodded.
“Who else?” I asked.
“Both your parents, your sister, your younger brother and your cousin, Charlotte.”
“Huh, the usual cabal. All of them are liars. Do you have any idea what it is like having to put up with all of them? My god it is a wonder that I am a success. My mother is always trying to pin the blame for her shortcomings on me. She would love to plant a microchip in my head and control me. That would be ideal for her. She has controlled my father for years. He isn’t a bad fellow really but he fell under her spell and believes anything she says and if he dares not to well let’s just say he has suffered the consequences too many times before so he has learned his lesson. It’s weak of him and I hate him for being like that. He should stand up to her rather than be her metaphorical punching bag. Always tries to keep the peace at first and then takes her side. He is brainwashed and my sister is just as bad. Jesus she always defers to my mother, but then she could never make a decision for herself. So Charlie has weighed in as well has she? Do you know why doctor M? It is because she wants me for herself and I won’t let that happen. Bet they did not tell you that did they? She is totally in love with me and because I have rejected her this is how she goes about paying me back by making up lies about me. I would not put it past that harpy to try and section me you know. You don’t want to believe anything that lot say to you.”
Dr M was jotting down the odd note as I spoke. Yes, make some notes Dr M and you can tell them what I think of them. How dare they? How bastard dare they make out like I am the one with the problem. I should be used to it by now but it still infuriates me. I stood up, agitated at this unwarranted attack on me.
“This is what they always do doctor. I am the one who was suffered at their hands. Years of it but they twist it around and try to pin the blame on me. I have made the best of a bad hand and they cannot stand to see me doing well so they conjure up this. Liars the lot of them.”
I was pacing up and down in front of the fireplace and fighting to resist the urge to grab one of the logs and hurl it at the large mirror which hung above the fireplace.
“I wish they were all dead doctor, you have no idea. The times I have wished that they would get wiped out in some car accident or a building falls on them when they are inside. They have made my life hell and just as I am pulling free of them they pull this stunt. I hate them. I am surprised at my brother joining in with this as well, I thought he had some sense.”
“Your brother expressed considerable concern about you and wants to help you,” offered Dr M.
“I don’t need any help. I suggest you fill your sessions with them. You will have plenty of material for your shrink times or whatever publication you write for. My mother is a control freak with a drink problem,my father is spineless, my sister is a professional victim oh yes, ask her about her failed marriage but make sure you have the bleeding heart and violins to hand. My cousin, well as I said, she is a lecherous nymphomaniac and as for my brother, he has gone down in my estimation joining this cabal of perfidy.”
I spat the words out as I waved my arms around, windmilling through the air. I felt a little better for this explosion of annoyance and I returned to my seat and sat down. Dr M was still writing.
“So Dr M there really is nothing to see here. I know you will want to make some money from us and I respect that, you are like me, you see an opportunity and exploit it. Nothing wrong with that. Let me give you a tip. You need to suggest working with those liars and parking your involvement with me. You have nothing to achieve here but as for them, well you will make a fortune sorting out the quagmire that is their lives.”
I sat back and smiled as Dr M continued to write. I had spoken up just as she had urged. I had done as I was told. Again. This time though I was fighting back.
42 thoughts on “The Key To Entry”
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I’m grateful this happened to you. You woke me up to reality because it happened. Your brother and sister did it because they love you. Because it’s true that you go after whatever you want and distroy everything that’s in your path. Your mother did it out of her version of love- duty, extension- women are different from men. Neither one of you may be able to feel love, but you have some sort of compassion or loyalty for some people nevertheless. You are better off because it happened. And so am I.
Why do you think your younger brother joined in?
Misplaced compassion.
Hi HG, I have a couple of questions that you may or may not answer. I find it extremely annoying that your mother still has this influence on you, to be able to cause such frustration and anger in you or for you to feel so critised when you know exactly what she is ? has this lessened at all since your therapy and gaining of knowledge ? As these things happened at the beginning of your therapy ? Are you now able to be more indifferent to her shannanigans ? Secondly the fact that you still live by some of your mothers rules ? using a writing paper she would approve of ? Regardless of the fact that you may share the same taste in some things ? Are you yet able to care less about abiding by these things for her approval ?
Her impact was greater at the outset of the work with the good doctors, yes.
I am more indifferent – yes.
Her influence permeates, not hugely, not even significantly, but still more than I would prefer.
I am happy to see the posts on your blog refreshing our memories of your interactions with the “good doctors” and looking forward to new stories on your current dynamic with doctors O and E. M is out of the picture now? I recall from somewhere that you mentioned one was more psychodynamic while the other possibly more CBT oriented? Or did I recall incorrectly? Having one female and one male made me wonder if they both were of psychoanalytic and were trying to get transference in a parental vibe. Have they ever conducted therapy together with you (O and E?)
As always, thank you for giving us all a glimpse into such a private matter as your personal therapy as it is both validating to those of us that have gone to therapy as well as have conducted therapy.
Hey HG,
Did you receive my comment on this post? Its been sitting on moderation for awhile and was not sure if my comment made it to the spam folder or never made it thru.
They’re in moderation along with a number of others Indy
Thank you HG, just checking that it wasn’t directed to the spam folder.
I suspect the comment I left here 12 days ago is lost
No, it is in moderation along with 246 others at the time of typing this.
M is out of the picture, yes.
Not conducted it together.
You are welcome.
Got it very very intense…I hear the blameshifting..keep going I cant wait for the rest of it
HG …this actually happened a while ago, years ? And you have two other good doctors , that you have written about and shared . Is there a fire somewhere in the past or major event , or your father’s death , that forced these talks with the good doctors ? I have read many books of yours ….but something is missing ?Have you shared more recent writings of the good doctors ?
Yes there are fires.
There is more to come re the GD, both in the past and now.
Going by this depiction of your family id say they all need therapy. Your cousin being in love with you is just creepy. You say your mother has you in therapy as a means of control but why therapy? Why not control you some other way? I guess being a midranger she sees you as the troubled one not being able to look in the mirror herself at how messed up she is and the damage shes caused.
When id first started reading your work HG i suspected something had happened and it set in motion your family wanting you to go to therapy. Something criminal in nature like setting fires. I no longer think this and it was speculation but i still dont understand why your mother insisted on your therapy in order to stay in the will. Did something act as a catalyst for this?
Chihuahuamum,
I have been to therapy because of narcs multiple times. Therapy is a tool. It isn’t about the healing, but about control. They try to use a third party to force the victim to admit fault. When the narc smears you, they can bring up the therapy and claim the victim is the abuser/crazy one. Its sick
HG, what is the kind of paranoia a MRN and GEN feel?
I can understand this frustration I would randomly come home to psyc waiting for me my mother can not get enough of the victim mentality attention and she would use real stories about the abuse I got however conveniently forgot to mention how she was involved and try to get me committed saying I was unstable it was one of her many forms of abuse when she felt like she was loosing control it never worked for her after I attended the first appointment a good psychiatrist can see through it
She could never control me especially with money, I think that is why she as far as she did she still to this day does not know what makes me week she never understood why and her fury would erupt often i actually was turned off by people who flaunted their wealth thinking it somehow makes them superior I still say to this day the money that she’s got is not worth the blood you pay money position and power mean everything to her but because of the people that have been in my life they don’t impress me at all and I refuse to be controlled by them.
I truly think that you are coming to a good place by getting treatment being able to release what is inside you I Really hope that you continue for your own sake but don’t do it because of how much money she has a what you might miss out on financially that just gives her control of you and you will remain her victim and you will have no power to trust or heal you are better than that HG I truly believe that
Clever! Silent contempt. Listen contempt.
Running score: HG 2, Matrinarc 0. Therapist null.
Fair play HG . You have indeed made the best of a bad hand.
Or, you have been in therapy longer than I thought…
Or this episode was a first one and the GD came years later.
I think this episode is an earlier one.
Interestingly, you write this as if your father was still alive at the time this happened. I really got the impression he had died when you were much younger.
No.
HG,
1. When did your father die?
2. What was the role or the difference of this doctor, in comparison to the other ones? Why did you get new ones?
Why would an intelligent young man, a narcissist nonetheless, allow his family to bully him into counseling especially by a nympho cousin? You, the psychopath narcissist out of all people were bullied in counseling? It makes no sense. I, as a female with a delicate constitution could not be bullied into therapy submission, and you could? Something is missing from your facts. You must have been physically restrained in a straitjacket or handcuffs. Or chemically subdued.
Let the enemy think they have got their way and then they will not see you coming.
I was not bullied. I let them think that.
I thought it was the threat of losing your freedom (jail) and your inheritance that made you attend therapy.
Time is a precious commodity. You are giving up this finite resource to take revenge. Narcissist members of your family will not care and to take it even further once they are dead nobody will remember them, their thoughts, ideas and what they did to you. In a few generations all memories of them will disappear. And it is not like you have issue/s to remember your intimate moments and that personal generational spoken word to pass on your legacy. Your effort on revenge like planning and scheming is futile. They are consuming you now in your adult life as they did in your childhood.
Call me curious but I have one serious question that makes perfect sense to me, but being as smart as you are Mr.H why do you treat people as terribly as you’ve been treated? It doesn’t make logical sense to me at all.
It does to me and therein lies the difference. You and I have different perspectives.
If you treated the same people that dished it out to you, with the *same* level of contempt, it could make some logical sense. When someone wrongs you and therefore painted black, it’s given back ten fold however.
It makes sense with the knowledge that everything HG does is to avoid feeling crushing shame, a sense that he is innately repulsive, undeserving of anything resembling love, a small, powerless wretched thing. This felt sense of lowliness, or worse, nothingness, is the result of his mother failing to love him and instill in him an innate sense that he exists and that he is lovable.
When people feel that they are innately lovable, they can tolerate their own mistakes and inadequacies. They don’t have to be the best because there is the sense that no matter what they are good enough. That is what happens when a loved child becomes an adult.
HG is always avoiding the pain of feeling deeply unlovable and powerless. He cannot allow himself to be looked upon as vulnerable, weak or inferior, not by anyone, ever. He has to prove, over and over again, that he is nothing like that lowly detestable creature. He locates the horrid creature and all its horrid characteristics-neediness, weakness, inadequacy-in the other. HG cannot help but make others feel these things because that is how he proves he is none of them. He’s not nothing-you are! HG is cruel in order to exist.
The stakes are high for him. If he doesn’t get fuel, power and proof that he is powerful, he fears that he’ll transform into something pathetic and small and indescribably detestable.
HG I truly hope that wasn’t hard for you to read and I’m sorry if it was. You are not the creature. The creature is made of feelings, not facts
Fair enough…..I’m certainly not going to argue your perspective, not because I won’t win but for the sake of I believe in different opinions. But it is logically, just saying. Dignity and Integrity is what I live by. I’m going to suggest a book to you Mr. H. The Four Agreements.
Also you did do exactly what your mother wanted. Which was for you to speak. She does control your emotions almost perfectly but still doesn’t see her part in your behavior. Maybe if she did, you could have a shift in your thought process.
Hello, H.G. Tudor. How could it be any different. Are they something special? Didn’t they hurt you too? Weren’t they irresponsible in their observations and careless in their treatment of you? Were they not part of the blame for your present state? They were not indolent with their feelings on an infinite number of occasions and continue to act in the same way? Why not treat them that way? Are they something more important than me?
H.G. Tudor, from the narcissist’s point of view, makes all the sense. And I ask myself: Can their actions and punishments have a background, a teaching, a discipline that should be easy for their victims to learn if they pay attention?
Are their punishments and manipulations frustrating for the narcissist in the background?
Are these horrible behaviors simply the way to ask for attention and help in some way?
Ehhhhhhh, give me your fucking attention.
Ahhhh, you don’t do it, you don’t know? You are so limited and abnormal, how can I waste my wonderful time with such an inferior and mentally limited being?
I am going to punish you so that you never forget it and you can have a lesson in life? And learn once in a lifetime, that I am the center, your center and I will make you hurt so you never forget.
Have you forgotten your lesson? But how can it be? So limited and stupid. Well, let’s repeat the lesson again.
You don’t think this finally tires the narcissist no matter how much he likes to get the fuel that is never delivered naturally.
Because we are never verbalized and above all, that the narcissist cannot see that they were always our center. They want to occupy again, the place from which they never left, to be the center of the center. You are so arrogant that you are envious and jealous of yourselves…
Did the doctors know or suspect you were a narcissist at your first visits? You already knew it didn’t you? When did the doctors know?
I have no information as to their state of mind at the outset.
See Confessions of a Narcissist for more as the attendances increased.
Yes, I knew, Kel.
Good job Mr. H! I’m actually proud of you. I realize so much now. Your story is so incredibly important for me to hear. I appreciate you. If I was your mother, I would be so proud of you. You were heard but never seen. Shame shame on your family. They just don’t see their part in your troubles, it’s sad.
I will keep in mind this long tirade – I get employee’s playing that game sometimes –
It will help me a great deal.
Funny how he admits at the end and try to join force – that is another good one.
Your story with M is very good teaching for all is us in the “ people – help” industry.
Thanks for sharing !! Really like the genesis of your story with doctors !