Have You Seen Who He Is With?

HAVE YOU SEEN

 

You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.

“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”

“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”

“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”

“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”

Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.

  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.

We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.

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46 Comments

  1. I’m rather successful – she is a barmaid in a stripclub who allows him to smoke drugs in her flat. She does look similar to me (I told him this and that she was like a low grade version and he agreeingly laughed with me about it), although much thinner. He would always comment on my weight and gave me quite a complex about it. Not long after the breakup I said some hurtful things about her and he asked me to apologise to her. Stupidly playing his games and in an attempt to make him feel as though I didn’t care, I messaged her apologising. She replied saying she accepted my apology and after the dust settles we could be friends. She is clearly prone more to his manipulations than I was and he’s introduced her to his parents so I believe they will (hopefully) be together forever and his attention to destroy can now and always be placed onto her… but, unpredictable behaviour so time will tell.

  2. Yesterday I made a run to the home improvement store. I had been painting and ran out of paint. I didn’t bother with make up and just threw on a pair of yoga’s and a frumpy t-shirt with my work shoes. While there, a very pretty woman walked by me and did a double take. It was so obvious that I check myself to make sure I didn’t spill coffee all over myself or something. She walked down the isle and turned around and looked again. Then it struck me who it was. She was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The last and final “other woman” that finally pushed me over the edge. I am not a vain person but I take pride in my appearance. 2 years ago I could have seen this woman and held my head up with pride. Even though I had been triangulated with many women over the years of the relationship I still had self confidence. It made me realize what the devaluation did to me. I’ve gained weight, I no longer socialize, I can’t remember the last time I made an appointment with my hair stylist. He made my life hell in the end and that woman played a role in it. I suspect she was also a narcissist and she held back nothing to get a win over me. A year ago I would have rolled my eyes and walked away casually (even if I was dying inside). Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough. 

    1. Mercy
      I understand the feeling of being spotted when not at your best (actually that seems when it’s most likely to happen), but don’t do the comparison thing to yourself. She was in a home improvement store right? Maybe she dressed for a date that never showed and she was there to buy a paintbrush to paint herself white again lol. I know its not the same thing but I want to relay this story to you. A woman I know was in a similar circumstance in that she ran out of paint and raced to a local store in her sweats, bandana in her hair, and paint on her skin. She was relieved not to run into anyone she knew, but when she rang out at the cash there was confetti, fanfare, and media (thankfully radio) attention because she was the 500th customer and won her purchase and a prize. The store was busy and people gathered and of course and she wanted to die. She has pictures and laughs about it now though. I mean who wouldnt, I laughed so hard I think I blew a snot bubble. World keeps turning. I love that you have these projects to keep you busy and focused on your own comfort and improvement. It has a payoff as opposed to pouring yourself into something or someone that can never appreciate it.

      1. NA, Haha that made me laugh and cry and the same time. Is this a true story? That is literally something you’d see on TV! 

        My projects are my therapy and I love doing them. I feel defective sometimes though because I will go to work on a Monday and everyone is talking about what they did on the weekend. They ask me and my answer is always the same, worked on the house. It makes me happy right now so thank you for making me feel that I shouldn’t feel shame for not doing what everyone else thinks is normal. And thanks for the laugh. I needed it today. 

        1. Mercy
          True story. I swear. I worked with the woman and saw the pictures. A picture was actually in the local newspaper as well but just showed her face and not the whole ensemble. Thanks for reminding me of that. I laughed all over again.

        2. Mercy
          I used to hear those stories too because it seemed there needed to be an accounting early Monday morning over coffee. Some of them were nice, but a lot of them (stories) didn’t appeal to me, some of them appeared to be highly embellished, and many were not without their problems (which would subsequently be relayed). Who is to say that some of those who were flitting here and there to see and be seen in order to have an accounting on Monday or a pic for IG or FB would not have appreciated being able to do what they actually wanted? (what you are doing). People have always told me that I work too hard (with my hands and outside of my job) but it’s not work to me. It’s rewarding. I bought my first home by myself at age 25. I have built a world of comfort and beauty around me that gives me the peace that I never had growing up and others don’t understand that. I also retired at 55, own 2 homes, and am debt free while those who said I worked too hard are still working and most admit to being deep in debt chasing happiness. Defective my ass. Cliche as it sounds – you are literally acting as the architect of your own happiness. Be proud of that.

          1. How did you do that, NarcAngel? The houses??
            At such a young age, too?

            I would love a house in the countryside … and to make it my own. (I painted walls, put in new floors myself, etc. at rentals… what a waste….).

            My current landlady thinks I don’t know anyone here, because I was staying in the whole weekend working instead of going to the pub ….

          2. Ava101

            In a word: discipline. Now for the expansion lol. Sorry HG.

            My mother always used not being able to support herself or us as a reason for not leaving (even though I suggested we’d be better off in a shelter), so I related having money to freedom. Prior to 16 I delvered newspapers (2), did babysitting, and cleaned houses. That money was always being “borrowed” and never paid back but I persevered and started hiding some of it. At 16 I got my first formal job and started saving part of it. At 19 I married but we lived in an apt but I still invested in RRSPs etc. At 25 I divorced and had just enough to put a down payment on the worst house in a working class neighbourhood. I worked hard but slowly to improve the house and gardens. I am proud to say that a house that once people warned me against and looked down on me for is referred to by others as the jewel of the neighbourhood. My gardens have won awards (none that I entered-I was nominated by others). I paid off that house at 37 and it is now worth 6 times what I bought it for. Now I do live with someone but do not let that fool or deter anyone. We have separate interests and some of his are quite expensive, so I was not dependent on his money, but I did insist of course that he contribute. When Stepnarc died, despite the house being of no worth (but the land was) I was the only family member who had put themselves in the position to buy it and they all wanted their money. It has now been gutted (we do all of the work save heating) and remodelled and is currently worth 5-6 times what I paid for it.

            I have always gone, done, and bought what I wanted. I present well but am not a slave to or impressed by labels (my thought is goods mostly come from the same place and are distributed to different stores. If you want to pay more at that store to appear superior – good for you but your need to impress will cost you). I also prioritize and this is where discipline comes in. Early on in my first home I wanted to do a specific renovation and at the same time was included with a group to go for an expensive spa retreat. I declined. I was questioned why and I replied that it was tempting but I didn’t have money for that right now. Their response was: but we just got paid (inferring also that I was short on cash). I responded with: I didn’t say I didn’t have money. I said I didn’t have money for THAT right now.

            Another example (and this one might be controversial to some):
            When my now husband (we are not married but for ease of discussion) approached me about moving in together, I said I was not ready and unconvinced it would be beneficial for me or that he had demonstrated committment or financial equity (he owned no real estate but I did). I proposed the following: You pay expensive fees to store your vehicles and toys. That is wasted money for someone who professes committment. I will allow you to build a garage (I will help you) on my property and you can store your things there. Thus elevating my property value and saving you money. You will pay cash for materials and give me the receipts (to protect myself from claims he owned or contributed to any of the property). He looked at me shocked and then laughed. But then he built a garage. He still uses it. We are still together.

            Sorry that was so long, but it I’m attempting to demonstrate that not all is lost after dealing with abuse. They can not take everything from you if you don’t allow it. You can not only persevere after abuse but thrive once you start using logic and the strength and determination you used on others on yourself. It is never too late, and all the information you need to do it is provided here by maybe the most unlikely source, but the best one nonetheless. Use it.

          3. NarcAngel, you as a child makes me think of my youngest daughter. She was clever like you and would hide her money. I always just figured she spent it like her sisters. Her reasons were different than yours but still very clever. I always told them I would make sure that they had what they needed but if they wanted bigger or better they had to work for it. Her sisters went for bigger and better, she was content with what I provided her and it has paid off for her as an adult.

            What an ironic twist that you were able to create something special out of a place that holds such bad memories for you. I can imagine that felt empowering. I love that you renovated your own homes. Part of my job involves inspecting new construction and that’s where I get my ideas. If I see something I like, I go online and figure out how to make it. If you saw me at the home improvement store I’d be the girl under the open cabinet drawers trying to see what type of hardware they used.

            There are so many on this site that have lived through childhood abuse and with determination have overcome it and now thrive as adults. This is a rarity. You don’t see that in everyday life. Most use it as an excuse and the cycle is never broken. I think this site draws those of us that are not willing to give up on ourselves. Those of us that are tenacious in everything we do. There are days that I feel like it’d be so much easier to give up the fight. To pick up the phone and send the text that’ll set everything in motion again but logic has taken the advantage and I’m not giving it up.

          4. Excellent story NA! I like it! All women benefit from independence. I did work part time for some years when the kids were really small but never (thank goodness) left my career because I do see women just pulverized by being stay at home moms in a divorce support group setting. I have zero home skills though! I am befuddled just to change light bulbs half the time but admittedly it is a lack of interest. Oh well..

          5. NarcAngel, those are definitely accomplishments to be proud of and I know you’ve overcome alot to get there. I hope to be debt free in a few years but I cant even dream of retiring that early. You are right about co-workers stories. As I read what you said I started thinking about the people I work with. They are no better off than I am no matter what they portray on social media. I like my own little corner of the world. The thought of putting on another face to impress people I don’t know or care about sounds exhausting. I do wish I had someone that has the same interest as me but that requires effort on my part and I’m not there yet. I think you are right, once I come out of this mess I’ll be able to look back and be proud of what I accomplished along the way.

            By the way, I’ve never heard of “architect of your own happiness” I love it!

          6. Dear NarcAngel,
            Wow…. what an achievement
            You are one hellava female
            I salute you
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          7. NarcAngel, I am so impressed!!

            I had pictured you living in an apartment in town, never in a garden, and I didn’t know you had a partner … building on your property … ;D You are very smart.

            That is so impressive, starting with such determination so early. I will take your words to heart. 🙂
            You are also so, so right at that we all should turn all the determination, energy, etc. we have shown for others, to ourselves.
            So, you are my new hero, like in those TV shows I love watching, like, Good Bones or Rehab Addict (or Property Brothers …. ah, you got some nice shows there in Canada ….).

            I am at the moment thinking a lot again why I am where I am — no house … and so on. I am or was the opposite of you … I am not sure if it has to do with neglect or me still being taught (well she tried to and certainly lived that herself) by my mother that a man would provide …. hahaha.
            In short, I made every mistake possible in regard to money, never thought of buying my own home till a few years ago …
            … I did really well for a time, until the exnarc came along… he did a lot of damage, but those were still my decisions. …

            Anyways, I won’t allow being dragged down again by any man, and by now I am of the conviction that if I move in with a guy, who own a house, I will always pay for that one way or other … his control, etc. So I will work my ass off until retirement … at 90 or so. ;D

            Sorry, I am tired, so writing a bit fast and incoherently and too much. 🙂
            Thank you for your long and encouring and great answer, and I am so happy for you!!! I wish I could see what you have done. Takes a lot of strength and self respect, too, to tell others that you want to spend your money and time on your own property, that is very good money management.

            Ah, I soooo want a garden again … I live at the moment in the tiniest apartment I have ever seen in my whole life … not a hint of garden (well, a tiny piece of grass under the drying line), paying waaaaay too much for that … *sigh*

            Oh, I have always invested in myself, though, I’m not sure at present what it got me, but I think I would be a complete wreck by now, if I hadn’t and it has helped me career wise a lot — taking trainings, classes, NLP trainings, communication, etc., project management, … I just need to focus now to finally make sth out of it. Somehow, (bad!!!) relationships and putting all my energy in them, had seemed more important … maybe some kind of unconscious survival program, I have no idea, but it did make me loose my own good sense and put myself into disadvantage. I am looking to repair all that.
            At one point I snapped and went to India almost from one day to the next, to participate in a meditation teacher training, which not only set me back financially in itself, but I got very ill and that went on for years and I couldn’t work for weeks at times. Am better now. My family / narc mother never cared about that and keep shoveling money (also inherited) into their own huge pockets.

            OMG so sorry for this incoherent monologue. Thank you for being such a good role model, you seem to have managed to bring yourself on a good course.

            ***
            This is not really related, but … wow, some women are sooo strong. I have watched a documentation on domestic violence yesterday and one of the main people in the movie was a woman who had suffered unimaginable things … and she managed to get her husband into prison for 25 years or so … I was so impressed by her strength and how she rebuilt her life ….
            And they had an audio recording from a different woman, where she had recorded her husband. OMG … most definitely a narc, screaming all those narc things at her, and then hitting or smashing someone/something on and on … he shouted things ike “who provides for all this, who is the master here, who goes out every day and earns etc., who had bought all this here, who is to obey, who has to be respected for this, ” + violent sounds … That’s certainly something I never ever want, so at least I am proud of myself for having walked at the first signs last time … (and I hope it was the last time ever like that.)

            Long, long story short — so good for you!! And I want that, too, something of my own. You are so right, your mother should have walked either way … so yes, I totally get your train of thought, no woman should ever be dependend for housing reasons on an abusive man, … 🙁 You did it at such a young age, though, to turn everything around.

            When are you writing a book finally??

          8. Ava101

            Thank you Ava, that’s very kind. It’s funny how you picture someone isn’t it? Sometimes it’s helpful (even necessary) to look back on the path you took to arrive where you are, but I think it’s more important to chart where you want to end up and navigate towards that. I look at a man like an accessory, not necessary lol – the right accessory compliments the outfit, but the outfit should be strong enough to stand on it’s own. I pictured you in your own Eat, Pray, Love. Sorry it was not a great experience for you, but it does sound like you have had a lot of experiences out in the world and that should not be discounted. You will settle in a home and you will have a garden if that’s what you decide you want. My life is not that exciting, I’ll let HG write the books. Thank you again for your kind words.

            NA

        3. Mercy, I am the same. My home is my sanctuary. I never can relay tales of going out and partying as my coworkers do each Monday morning, as I am more into relaxing at home–projects around the house, watching films, reading, writing on my patio. I feel like I just endure the work week to get back to what I really love on weekends. Home projects are so fun because they bring such rewards.

          1. Bibi
            I hear you. My outlook was that place (work) was a place I went to make the money to fund my real life and interests.

        4. Mercy,
          I know this sounds weird, but I purposely look like shit when I see my exes and their girlfriends. If I have to do a child exchange, face to face, I wear sweats and no makeup. It’s this weird predatory feeling, where i feel like we are animals. If I look like a beautiful gazelle, they would be triggered to take me down, or at least try to; or I will look like tasty fuel. My no contact/grey rock approach to them, is what I say, do, and even look around them.
          If they think I’m ugly, and feel they “won”, technically, that isn’t so bad.
          Plus, you were at a home improvement store. Give yourself a break.

          1. Anm, in your situation I don’t think that sounds weird at all. It’s actually a very smart. The less attention you draw to yourself the easier it is for you to be able to coparent. In my situation it’s wasn’t so much that I looked bad when I went to the store, it was that I’m not myself right now and she played a part in it. The confidence I would normally feel wasn’t there and the fact that over the last year or so, I’ve literally stopped doing some things that made me feel good about myself. I was caught off guard and it made me realize I have a long way to go.

    2. 100% Mercy, devaluation sucks enormously. I had the weight-gain and all sorts of sh*t last year. It gets better, but devaluation really gets to you indeed. It should be verboten.

        1. Mercy, thanks for asking. Yes, it feels like that, finally! I relate to your not going to a hairstylist, being on your own, being not you, missing your confidence. I was running from something but I didn’t have a clear idea of the actual danger and in what direction I should run. I felt so disoriented.

          But I’m back. I like to think that all that I read, wondered, talked about, contemplated, mourned, studied, watched, interpreted and wrote has finally started to work together in a meaningful way.

          It took too much of my time, so I want 2 lives now (return on investment, and to be able to catch up with NA. Here’s to you NA!🥂)

          1. Shesaw, Thank you for your reply. This gives me hope as I find I’m in uncharted territory. I feel like I’m wasting time too but your thought of living 2 lives sounds great.

      1. Dearest lovelies,
        I believe we sabotage ourselves in ways we never deemed possible
        I too, have tried to gain weight to try and put people off ..fat, skinny, daggy clothes, no make up ….. none of it worked
        Mr Bubbles said its my personality, aura n pheromones
        He said he loved me no matter what ….but he also said…. it’s now my turn to just be me and luv who I am
        I’ve finally got the message
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Dear Mercy,
            Thank you my beauty
            Mr Bubbles has know me almost my whole life, I think he’s wise He has a lot of years under his belt ..he always sits n listens… he doesn’t talk unnecessarily
            He very rarely overreacts and only talks when there is something to be said … he only replies when required …. his motto is …
            The more you listen the more you learn
            We’re complete opposites 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    3. Mercy–my personal favorite thing is to go to Kroger braless. The confidence will creep back–it always does because it is inherently there.

      1. Claire, hahaha my favorite advice yet. If you can hold your head high braless in a grocery store, you can take on the world!

        1. I’m there a lot too. I imagine it’s somewhat what flashers go through. (Feel shy at first but acclimate with practice.)

    4. Sounds like where I am today….5 years of no contact and I´m still horrified when I see my self inthe mirror,dont recognise my self anymore very slow healing process…cant sem to get out of neautral gear. Thank so much for your comment AnlceKnight001.

      1. Fenris, it does seem slow doesn’t it? Every day gets better though. You are here and that should prove that you haven’t given up on yourself. 5 years of no contact is a long time. Be proud if that achievement! Keep looking in that mirror, you may not find the person you once were but the person you are now is wiser and stronger.

  3. Our emotional thinking is out of whack because narcissist’s cause it to be- they mess us up. Our ET would not be that way if we weren’t abused and conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to perform on their command. Leaving them is like getting rehabilitated from the effects of a cult.

    1. Narcissists do not cause ET to get “out of whack.” Our susceptibility to Narcissists does.

      We each have to get to the bottom of our susceptibility and root it out.

      Once we GOSO and are in No Contact, we have the time to ourselves that we need in order to get this rooting out done.

      1. Lisk
        When you’re raised by a narcissist and you’re targeted by them your whole life, your emotions are definitely out of whack. When you grew up in that world, you don’t know it’s not normal, and you end up carrying a lot of baggage, and you might as well have a neon sign on you blinking ‘Victim ‘ for all your future narcissist boyfriends and husband to swoop in on. When you finally figure out this isn’t normal, you’ve got a lot of unlearning to do of how you were raised to feel about yourself.

        If you’re not that way, then fine.

        1. Sounds like you’ve gotten to the bottom of your susceptibility, kel.

          Wishing you much strength as you try to root it out.

  4. Ugh.
    “…But he’s a an alcoholic abuser!”
    “Yes, but he makes good cash and buys me fabulous vacations I can take lots of selfies at…”

    That’ll end well. HG, any word on mid-ranger vs mid-ranger? It’s a pairing we’ve all come to know and loathe.

      1. Supposedly. The lessers and mid-rangers, coverts possibly, don’t know what they are. The former go around punching each other in the head and cheating extensively. The mid-rangers have blame based relationships that eventually end in a contest to see who can recruit more of each other’s lieutenants through making cases for the other being abusive – ironic really, because of course they both are.

        I’m a little on the fence about my ex being a mid-ranger or a greater; as a psychologist, she made an awful lot of self aware comments about being a candy coated bitter monster & the like. Academia, by the way, is a cerebral mid-ranger amusement park. Lord, the egos…

        1. Interesting! I wouldn’t think they could stay for long in each other’s company. Who would have known. Sounds more dramatic than an E vs N or Co-dep.

          “Candy coated bitter monster?” Hmm. Perhaps those that don’t comment on their own misfortunate traits are the real greaters?

  5. Man is this good!.. I was extremely confused when I found out who the new supply was, most definitely a panic pick after I kicked him out. Hurt? Not a chance.
    The only thing that hurt me was I fell in love with a man who was completely fake and seeing her proved only one thing. “FUEL”!

Vent Your Spleen!

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