Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
46 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
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I’m rather successful – she is a barmaid in a stripclub who allows him to smoke drugs in her flat. She does look similar to me (I told him this and that she was like a low grade version and he agreeingly laughed with me about it), although much thinner. He would always comment on my weight and gave me quite a complex about it. Not long after the breakup I said some hurtful things about her and he asked me to apologise to her. Stupidly playing his games and in an attempt to make him feel as though I didn’t care, I messaged her apologising. She replied saying she accepted my apology and after the dust settles we could be friends. She is clearly prone more to his manipulations than I was and he’s introduced her to his parents so I believe they will (hopefully) be together forever and his attention to destroy can now and always be placed onto her… but, unpredictable behaviour so time will tell.
Yesterday I made a run to the home improvement store. I had been painting and ran out of paint. I didn’t bother with make up and just threw on a pair of yoga’s and a frumpy t-shirt with my work shoes. While there, a very pretty woman walked by me and did a double take. It was so obvious that I check myself to make sure I didn’t spill coffee all over myself or something. She walked down the isle and turned around and looked again. Then it struck me who it was. She was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The last and final “other woman” that finally pushed me over the edge. I am not a vain person but I take pride in my appearance. 2 years ago I could have seen this woman and held my head up with pride. Even though I had been triangulated with many women over the years of the relationship I still had self confidence. It made me realize what the devaluation did to me. I’ve gained weight, I no longer socialize, I can’t remember the last time I made an appointment with my hair stylist. He made my life hell in the end and that woman played a role in it. I suspect she was also a narcissist and she held back nothing to get a win over me. A year ago I would have rolled my eyes and walked away casually (even if I was dying inside). Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.
Mercy
I understand the feeling of being spotted when not at your best (actually that seems when it’s most likely to happen), but don’t do the comparison thing to yourself. She was in a home improvement store right? Maybe she dressed for a date that never showed and she was there to buy a paintbrush to paint herself white again lol. I know its not the same thing but I want to relay this story to you. A woman I know was in a similar circumstance in that she ran out of paint and raced to a local store in her sweats, bandana in her hair, and paint on her skin. She was relieved not to run into anyone she knew, but when she rang out at the cash there was confetti, fanfare, and media (thankfully radio) attention because she was the 500th customer and won her purchase and a prize. The store was busy and people gathered and of course and she wanted to die. She has pictures and laughs about it now though. I mean who wouldnt, I laughed so hard I think I blew a snot bubble. World keeps turning. I love that you have these projects to keep you busy and focused on your own comfort and improvement. It has a payoff as opposed to pouring yourself into something or someone that can never appreciate it.
NA, Haha that made me laugh and cry and the same time. Is this a true story? That is literally something you’d see on TV!
My projects are my therapy and I love doing them. I feel defective sometimes though because I will go to work on a Monday and everyone is talking about what they did on the weekend. They ask me and my answer is always the same, worked on the house. It makes me happy right now so thank you for making me feel that I shouldn’t feel shame for not doing what everyone else thinks is normal. And thanks for the laugh. I needed it today.
Mercy
True story. I swear. I worked with the woman and saw the pictures. A picture was actually in the local newspaper as well but just showed her face and not the whole ensemble. Thanks for reminding me of that. I laughed all over again.
Mercy
I used to hear those stories too because it seemed there needed to be an accounting early Monday morning over coffee. Some of them were nice, but a lot of them (stories) didn’t appeal to me, some of them appeared to be highly embellished, and many were not without their problems (which would subsequently be relayed). Who is to say that some of those who were flitting here and there to see and be seen in order to have an accounting on Monday or a pic for IG or FB would not have appreciated being able to do what they actually wanted? (what you are doing). People have always told me that I work too hard (with my hands and outside of my job) but it’s not work to me. It’s rewarding. I bought my first home by myself at age 25. I have built a world of comfort and beauty around me that gives me the peace that I never had growing up and others don’t understand that. I also retired at 55, own 2 homes, and am debt free while those who said I worked too hard are still working and most admit to being deep in debt chasing happiness. Defective my ass. Cliche as it sounds – you are literally acting as the architect of your own happiness. Be proud of that.
How did you do that, NarcAngel? The houses??
At such a young age, too?
I would love a house in the countryside … and to make it my own. (I painted walls, put in new floors myself, etc. at rentals… what a waste….).
My current landlady thinks I don’t know anyone here, because I was staying in the whole weekend working instead of going to the pub ….
Ava101
In a word: discipline. Now for the expansion lol. Sorry HG.
My mother always used not being able to support herself or us as a reason for not leaving (even though I suggested we’d be better off in a shelter), so I related having money to freedom. Prior to 16 I delvered newspapers (2), did babysitting, and cleaned houses. That money was always being “borrowed” and never paid back but I persevered and started hiding some of it. At 16 I got my first formal job and started saving part of it. At 19 I married but we lived in an apt but I still invested in RRSPs etc. At 25 I divorced and had just enough to put a down payment on the worst house in a working class neighbourhood. I worked hard but slowly to improve the house and gardens. I am proud to say that a house that once people warned me against and looked down on me for is referred to by others as the jewel of the neighbourhood. My gardens have won awards (none that I entered-I was nominated by others). I paid off that house at 37 and it is now worth 6 times what I bought it for. Now I do live with someone but do not let that fool or deter anyone. We have separate interests and some of his are quite expensive, so I was not dependent on his money, but I did insist of course that he contribute. When Stepnarc died, despite the house being of no worth (but the land was) I was the only family member who had put themselves in the position to buy it and they all wanted their money. It has now been gutted (we do all of the work save heating) and remodelled and is currently worth 5-6 times what I paid for it.
I have always gone, done, and bought what I wanted. I present well but am not a slave to or impressed by labels (my thought is goods mostly come from the same place and are distributed to different stores. If you want to pay more at that store to appear superior – good for you but your need to impress will cost you). I also prioritize and this is where discipline comes in. Early on in my first home I wanted to do a specific renovation and at the same time was included with a group to go for an expensive spa retreat. I declined. I was questioned why and I replied that it was tempting but I didn’t have money for that right now. Their response was: but we just got paid (inferring also that I was short on cash). I responded with: I didn’t say I didn’t have money. I said I didn’t have money for THAT right now.
Another example (and this one might be controversial to some):
When my now husband (we are not married but for ease of discussion) approached me about moving in together, I said I was not ready and unconvinced it would be beneficial for me or that he had demonstrated committment or financial equity (he owned no real estate but I did). I proposed the following: You pay expensive fees to store your vehicles and toys. That is wasted money for someone who professes committment. I will allow you to build a garage (I will help you) on my property and you can store your things there. Thus elevating my property value and saving you money. You will pay cash for materials and give me the receipts (to protect myself from claims he owned or contributed to any of the property). He looked at me shocked and then laughed. But then he built a garage. He still uses it. We are still together.
Sorry that was so long, but it I’m attempting to demonstrate that not all is lost after dealing with abuse. They can not take everything from you if you don’t allow it. You can not only persevere after abuse but thrive once you start using logic and the strength and determination you used on others on yourself. It is never too late, and all the information you need to do it is provided here by maybe the most unlikely source, but the best one nonetheless. Use it.
NarcAngel, you as a child makes me think of my youngest daughter. She was clever like you and would hide her money. I always just figured she spent it like her sisters. Her reasons were different than yours but still very clever. I always told them I would make sure that they had what they needed but if they wanted bigger or better they had to work for it. Her sisters went for bigger and better, she was content with what I provided her and it has paid off for her as an adult.
What an ironic twist that you were able to create something special out of a place that holds such bad memories for you. I can imagine that felt empowering. I love that you renovated your own homes. Part of my job involves inspecting new construction and that’s where I get my ideas. If I see something I like, I go online and figure out how to make it. If you saw me at the home improvement store I’d be the girl under the open cabinet drawers trying to see what type of hardware they used.
There are so many on this site that have lived through childhood abuse and with determination have overcome it and now thrive as adults. This is a rarity. You don’t see that in everyday life. Most use it as an excuse and the cycle is never broken. I think this site draws those of us that are not willing to give up on ourselves. Those of us that are tenacious in everything we do. There are days that I feel like it’d be so much easier to give up the fight. To pick up the phone and send the text that’ll set everything in motion again but logic has taken the advantage and I’m not giving it up.
Excellent story NA! I like it! All women benefit from independence. I did work part time for some years when the kids were really small but never (thank goodness) left my career because I do see women just pulverized by being stay at home moms in a divorce support group setting. I have zero home skills though! I am befuddled just to change light bulbs half the time but admittedly it is a lack of interest. Oh well..
What a beautiful story NarcAngel
NarcAngel, those are definitely accomplishments to be proud of and I know you’ve overcome alot to get there. I hope to be debt free in a few years but I cant even dream of retiring that early. You are right about co-workers stories. As I read what you said I started thinking about the people I work with. They are no better off than I am no matter what they portray on social media. I like my own little corner of the world. The thought of putting on another face to impress people I don’t know or care about sounds exhausting. I do wish I had someone that has the same interest as me but that requires effort on my part and I’m not there yet. I think you are right, once I come out of this mess I’ll be able to look back and be proud of what I accomplished along the way.
By the way, I’ve never heard of “architect of your own happiness” I love it!
Dear NarcAngel,
Wow…. what an achievement
You are one hellava female
I salute you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
NarcAngel, I am so impressed!!
I had pictured you living in an apartment in town, never in a garden, and I didn’t know you had a partner … building on your property … ;D You are very smart.
That is so impressive, starting with such determination so early. I will take your words to heart. 🙂
You are also so, so right at that we all should turn all the determination, energy, etc. we have shown for others, to ourselves.
So, you are my new hero, like in those TV shows I love watching, like, Good Bones or Rehab Addict (or Property Brothers …. ah, you got some nice shows there in Canada ….).
I am at the moment thinking a lot again why I am where I am — no house … and so on. I am or was the opposite of you … I am not sure if it has to do with neglect or me still being taught (well she tried to and certainly lived that herself) by my mother that a man would provide …. hahaha.
In short, I made every mistake possible in regard to money, never thought of buying my own home till a few years ago …
… I did really well for a time, until the exnarc came along… he did a lot of damage, but those were still my decisions. …
Anyways, I won’t allow being dragged down again by any man, and by now I am of the conviction that if I move in with a guy, who own a house, I will always pay for that one way or other … his control, etc. So I will work my ass off until retirement … at 90 or so. ;D
Sorry, I am tired, so writing a bit fast and incoherently and too much. 🙂
Thank you for your long and encouring and great answer, and I am so happy for you!!! I wish I could see what you have done. Takes a lot of strength and self respect, too, to tell others that you want to spend your money and time on your own property, that is very good money management.
Ah, I soooo want a garden again … I live at the moment in the tiniest apartment I have ever seen in my whole life … not a hint of garden (well, a tiny piece of grass under the drying line), paying waaaaay too much for that … *sigh*
Oh, I have always invested in myself, though, I’m not sure at present what it got me, but I think I would be a complete wreck by now, if I hadn’t and it has helped me career wise a lot — taking trainings, classes, NLP trainings, communication, etc., project management, … I just need to focus now to finally make sth out of it. Somehow, (bad!!!) relationships and putting all my energy in them, had seemed more important … maybe some kind of unconscious survival program, I have no idea, but it did make me loose my own good sense and put myself into disadvantage. I am looking to repair all that.
At one point I snapped and went to India almost from one day to the next, to participate in a meditation teacher training, which not only set me back financially in itself, but I got very ill and that went on for years and I couldn’t work for weeks at times. Am better now. My family / narc mother never cared about that and keep shoveling money (also inherited) into their own huge pockets.
OMG so sorry for this incoherent monologue. Thank you for being such a good role model, you seem to have managed to bring yourself on a good course.
***
This is not really related, but … wow, some women are sooo strong. I have watched a documentation on domestic violence yesterday and one of the main people in the movie was a woman who had suffered unimaginable things … and she managed to get her husband into prison for 25 years or so … I was so impressed by her strength and how she rebuilt her life ….
And they had an audio recording from a different woman, where she had recorded her husband. OMG … most definitely a narc, screaming all those narc things at her, and then hitting or smashing someone/something on and on … he shouted things ike “who provides for all this, who is the master here, who goes out every day and earns etc., who had bought all this here, who is to obey, who has to be respected for this, ” + violent sounds … That’s certainly something I never ever want, so at least I am proud of myself for having walked at the first signs last time … (and I hope it was the last time ever like that.)
Long, long story short — so good for you!! And I want that, too, something of my own. You are so right, your mother should have walked either way … so yes, I totally get your train of thought, no woman should ever be dependend for housing reasons on an abusive man, … 🙁 You did it at such a young age, though, to turn everything around.
When are you writing a book finally??
Ava101
Thank you Ava, that’s very kind. It’s funny how you picture someone isn’t it? Sometimes it’s helpful (even necessary) to look back on the path you took to arrive where you are, but I think it’s more important to chart where you want to end up and navigate towards that. I look at a man like an accessory, not necessary lol – the right accessory compliments the outfit, but the outfit should be strong enough to stand on it’s own. I pictured you in your own Eat, Pray, Love. Sorry it was not a great experience for you, but it does sound like you have had a lot of experiences out in the world and that should not be discounted. You will settle in a home and you will have a garden if that’s what you decide you want. My life is not that exciting, I’ll let HG write the books. Thank you again for your kind words.
NA
Mercy, I am the same. My home is my sanctuary. I never can relay tales of going out and partying as my coworkers do each Monday morning, as I am more into relaxing at home–projects around the house, watching films, reading, writing on my patio. I feel like I just endure the work week to get back to what I really love on weekends. Home projects are so fun because they bring such rewards.
Bibi
I hear you. My outlook was that place (work) was a place I went to make the money to fund my real life and interests.
Mercy,
I know this sounds weird, but I purposely look like shit when I see my exes and their girlfriends. If I have to do a child exchange, face to face, I wear sweats and no makeup. It’s this weird predatory feeling, where i feel like we are animals. If I look like a beautiful gazelle, they would be triggered to take me down, or at least try to; or I will look like tasty fuel. My no contact/grey rock approach to them, is what I say, do, and even look around them.
If they think I’m ugly, and feel they “won”, technically, that isn’t so bad.
Plus, you were at a home improvement store. Give yourself a break.
Anm, in your situation I don’t think that sounds weird at all. It’s actually a very smart. The less attention you draw to yourself the easier it is for you to be able to coparent. In my situation it’s wasn’t so much that I looked bad when I went to the store, it was that I’m not myself right now and she played a part in it. The confidence I would normally feel wasn’t there and the fact that over the last year or so, I’ve literally stopped doing some things that made me feel good about myself. I was caught off guard and it made me realize I have a long way to go.
100% Mercy, devaluation sucks enormously. I had the weight-gain and all sorts of sh*t last year. It gets better, but devaluation really gets to you indeed. It should be verboten.
Shesaw, do you feel like you’ve moved on from the worst of it?
Mercy, thanks for asking. Yes, it feels like that, finally! I relate to your not going to a hairstylist, being on your own, being not you, missing your confidence. I was running from something but I didn’t have a clear idea of the actual danger and in what direction I should run. I felt so disoriented.
But I’m back. I like to think that all that I read, wondered, talked about, contemplated, mourned, studied, watched, interpreted and wrote has finally started to work together in a meaningful way.
It took too much of my time, so I want 2 lives now (return on investment, and to be able to catch up with NA. Here’s to you NA!🥂)
Shesaw
Cheers!
Shesaw, Thank you for your reply. This gives me hope as I find I’m in uncharted territory. I feel like I’m wasting time too but your thought of living 2 lives sounds great.
Dearest lovelies,
I believe we sabotage ourselves in ways we never deemed possible
I too, have tried to gain weight to try and put people off ..fat, skinny, daggy clothes, no make up ….. none of it worked
Mr Bubbles said its my personality, aura n pheromones
He said he loved me no matter what ….but he also said…. it’s now my turn to just be me and luv who I am
I’ve finally got the message
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles,
I think we could all use a Mr Bubbles in our life. What a very wise man.
Dear Mercy,
Thank you my beauty
Mr Bubbles has know me almost my whole life, I think he’s wise He has a lot of years under his belt ..he always sits n listens… he doesn’t talk unnecessarily
He very rarely overreacts and only talks when there is something to be said … he only replies when required …. his motto is …
The more you listen the more you learn
We’re complete opposites 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Have you made a hair appointment yet? 💇
Haha lisk, I’m going to today. I’m going to get a tsk tsk from her though.
Mercy–my personal favorite thing is to go to Kroger braless. The confidence will creep back–it always does because it is inherently there.
Claire, hahaha my favorite advice yet. If you can hold your head high braless in a grocery store, you can take on the world!
I’m there a lot too. I imagine it’s somewhat what flashers go through. (Feel shy at first but acclimate with practice.)
Sounds like where I am today….5 years of no contact and I´m still horrified when I see my self inthe mirror,dont recognise my self anymore very slow healing process…cant sem to get out of neautral gear. Thank so much for your comment AnlceKnight001.
Fenris, it does seem slow doesn’t it? Every day gets better though. You are here and that should prove that you haven’t given up on yourself. 5 years of no contact is a long time. Be proud if that achievement! Keep looking in that mirror, you may not find the person you once were but the person you are now is wiser and stronger.
I meant to say my comment to Mercy. Tank you
Our emotional thinking is out of whack because narcissist’s cause it to be- they mess us up. Our ET would not be that way if we weren’t abused and conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to perform on their command. Leaving them is like getting rehabilitated from the effects of a cult.
Narcissists do not cause ET to get “out of whack.” Our susceptibility to Narcissists does.
We each have to get to the bottom of our susceptibility and root it out.
Once we GOSO and are in No Contact, we have the time to ourselves that we need in order to get this rooting out done.
Lisk
When you’re raised by a narcissist and you’re targeted by them your whole life, your emotions are definitely out of whack. When you grew up in that world, you don’t know it’s not normal, and you end up carrying a lot of baggage, and you might as well have a neon sign on you blinking ‘Victim ‘ for all your future narcissist boyfriends and husband to swoop in on. When you finally figure out this isn’t normal, you’ve got a lot of unlearning to do of how you were raised to feel about yourself.
If you’re not that way, then fine.
Sounds like you’ve gotten to the bottom of your susceptibility, kel.
Wishing you much strength as you try to root it out.
Ugh.
“…But he’s a an alcoholic abuser!”
“Yes, but he makes good cash and buys me fabulous vacations I can take lots of selfies at…”
That’ll end well. HG, any word on mid-ranger vs mid-ranger? It’s a pairing we’ve all come to know and loathe.
Not ready to be published yet, but it will be in due course.
MRN vs MRN. Really! There is such a thing?Would love to see that.
Supposedly. The lessers and mid-rangers, coverts possibly, don’t know what they are. The former go around punching each other in the head and cheating extensively. The mid-rangers have blame based relationships that eventually end in a contest to see who can recruit more of each other’s lieutenants through making cases for the other being abusive – ironic really, because of course they both are.
I’m a little on the fence about my ex being a mid-ranger or a greater; as a psychologist, she made an awful lot of self aware comments about being a candy coated bitter monster & the like. Academia, by the way, is a cerebral mid-ranger amusement park. Lord, the egos…
Interesting! I wouldn’t think they could stay for long in each other’s company. Who would have known. Sounds more dramatic than an E vs N or Co-dep.
“Candy coated bitter monster?” Hmm. Perhaps those that don’t comment on their own misfortunate traits are the real greaters?
Love your sense of humor! You make me chuckle out loud.
Man is this good!.. I was extremely confused when I found out who the new supply was, most definitely a panic pick after I kicked him out. Hurt? Not a chance.
The only thing that hurt me was I fell in love with a man who was completely fake and seeing her proved only one thing. “FUEL”!