The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 3
We come cloaked in our finery to dazzle and bewitch yet this enthralling and alluring appearance is but an artifice designed to cater to our needs and keep that which the world ought not to see at bay.
Shall I be the charming boyfriend who brings you breakfast in bed or the grizzled tyrant that bellows from the landing demanding to know why the right shirt is not available even though you ironed seven of them yesterday? Perhaps I will be the cheery neighbour who stops and compliments the fellow next door on his new motor vehicle or do I rake a key down the paintwork smiling to myself as I feel the Thought Fuel at his dismay washing over me? How about being the benevolent boss who is magnanimous in his appraisal of a junior employee or might I be the savage dictator whose fleck infested diatribe reduces the underling to tears? Passionate lover or glacial companion? Entertaining purveyor of anecdotes or bilious issuer of put downs? Such choices.
Yet it is not just a matter of good or bad, there is more to layer on top of that. Do I regale my friends with that story of how I went marlin fishing in Bermuda to impress them even though it was my brother who went and I have taken his tale to be my own? Do I claim the theories of a fellow academic as mine when discussing matters with the undergraduates in my tutorial group? Do I claim to know much about the works of Bach because I have glanced over my girlfriend’s play list of classical music? That snippet of conversation that was overheard discussing the merits of staying at the Cavalieri Hotel in Rome and the ‘views to die for’ becomes my stay there last month. A useful review of Transpotting 2 in the broadsheets is commandeered to become my opinion which receives nods of approval when I recount it over dinner.
Why feel the need to be something that we are not? This varies dependent on the school from which we hail but at its essence remains this indisputable fact; we do not want to be nor can we be, that thing which we spend our time escaping from. Most of our kind do not realise this. They have no comprehension that a construct has been created for the purposes of ensnarement. Ensnarement of victims and the continuing ensnarement of The Creature. They do not know it, believing that their construct IS them and hence should you act in a way that attacks that construct through criticism then the response is intense, volcanic and instant. Those who form the majority of our ranks are unable to make such a distinction, unable to recognise what they have created and what they are imprisoning but believe their own creation to be them. Such is the power of delusion. They have no choice in determining what they will be today. They are governed by the instinctive need to respond as the fuel dictates and thus the rage-filled father who smashes his son’s favourite toy was not chosen but appeared because that was what was required to respond to his son running to his mother and not him. The doting son who faithfully calls his aged mother every Sunday without fail notwithstanding her dismissive treatment of him ordinarily is one compelled to do so in order to maintain his facade of decency and to irritate you when you suggest he ought to put her in her place. The quiet yet charming man who is the complete gentleman on the dates you have together is one which has been constructed out of need and is a programmed behaviour to bring about seduction. Whichever way these of our kind face is as a consequence of need – fuel, the facade, the acquisition of residual benefits – and it matters not if there is a swing from demon to angel in the space of the minute, but that is what must occur.
Furthermore, the repeated regurgitation of lies to furnish the construct for the purposes of attraction is an instinctive response. The lie is believed because the Lesser or Mid-Ranger perceives his construct as what he or she is and thus the knee-jerk boasts, the blatant exaggerations and the out and out lies about achievements, status, job, number of lovers and the number of times one has seen U2 in concert are viewed as truth. Challenge them at your peril. The Lessers and Mid-Ranger have no choice in terms of how they furnish their construct and how they respond to the appliances around them.
The Greater of our kind exert choice but it is always within the confines of the overriding objective, namely, all is as the fuel wills it to be. Thus, the decision to berate a shop assistant is one of choice but is governed by the need for fuel. The decision not to answer your telephone calls is one of choice but again is subjected to the requirements of fuel. We Greaters have more substance than our lower-ranked brethren, we have the achievements, the abilities, the successes but it is never enough. One must be better, more popular, more attractive, more muscular, more accomplished, more, more, more. Thus that which is already there was deemed not to be good enough. So there must be the embellishments, the exaggerations, the add-ons. Pilfer here, acquire there, purloin this and steal that in order to make that cloak the finest ever created. You might suggest we ought to be content with the considerable abilities that we already possess but that is viewed from your perspective. From ours, there is always another higher mountain to conquer and it must be conquered because if we do not stop driving forward then we risk perishing.
I wield tremendous power. I can be anything I want and do whatever I please. Yet, as Lord Acton sagely stated,
“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
I have absolute power but it has been corrupted because it is always subject to another force, that of the need for fuel.
I appear as the dictator with seemingly unrestrained power and influence as I choose to be whatever I want to be.
Yet I have come to realise that I am the puppet government put in place by fuel.
24 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 3”
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Dearest HG: I find this to be a remarkable and admirable admission:`Yet I have come to realise that I am the puppet government put in place by fuel.“ ~~HG Tudor. I would guess that only a Greater Narcissist could be this aware and thus make this admission. I do not think I have met a Greater Narcissist that I am aware of in my offline life. HG, when you do run into a Greater Narcissist, how are you able to tell? Does it take a while to perceive such an individual? Is it something that you feel intuitively?
Yes how do you know??
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
I’m really sorry you need such amounts of fuel. At the end of the day, it is paradoxical and certainly ridiculous for a narcissist in his grandiosity, no matter how hard he tries to climb. They finally always fall again. They are just like us, mere codependents of their empaths, codependents etc… And among codependents there is this game.
We are codependents of the narcissists, because they seduce us artificially. But the really codependents are the narcissists, because of their need for fuel. (a pure reflection of their needs in us.)
They can never be free and that’s why they don’t want to, nor can they leave us free…
The codependents, in the end, can have a life without the narcissists. But narcissists would cease to exist if it weren’t for our fuels. Really this disorder is painful and totally destructive the truth.
Every day I learn more, I understand more and more and more fear gives me this disorder.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
I’m really sorry you need such amounts of fuel. At the end of the day, it is paradoxical and certainly ridiculous that a narcissist in his grandiosity and no matter how much he climbs, always falls and is merely codependent on his codependents. And among codependents the game goes on. We are codependent on the narcissists and the narcissists equally codependent on the empathics for their need for fuel. They can never be free and that is why they do not want to free us… The codependents can ultimately have a life without the narcissists. But narcissists would cease to exist if it were not for the empathic, super empathic codependents etc. The truth is really painful.
Every day I learn more, I understand more and more and more fear gives me this disorder.
Excuse me sir, you appear to have left your sex face on the table.
Sarah Jane
Best laugh all week for me!
Searching2c
Last week, an Irish man asked me what I thought of County Down. I said it wasn’t as good since Carol Vorderman had left.
(But there’s no emotion or debate to this post, so I’d just like to take this opportunity to point out that whoever is reading this, their last statement was wrong in my honest opinion.)
Dearest HG: One day, a few months ago, I came to work when I thought I would be out, but my schedule had changed. To my surprise the mid ranger had dressed liked me in one of my styles. I was shocked and he looked shocked to see me. But, it seemed like the personality he had on that day, missed the mark of the personality I feel when I dressed like that. He had on a very macho aggressive demeanor, that I never saw on him before, and I had seen a lot of his different masks and I liked most of all of them, but this one was a little scary. Now I think, it was just a part of a construct: To dress like one person (me) and to behave like another person (I do not know whom he was behaving like). He was an entirely different person, and he was not able to switch into something familiar, before me. It was one of the strangest things I ever saw. It was very uncomfortable, I think for both of us, and I only stayed an hour, and then I left.
Was it a tu-tu with boots?
Sarah Jane. He wore a Malign hoover by proxy.
Many people don’t believe that narcissism exist.
I talked about it with my family members and they could not believe it.
Oh, to my family, it’s like trying to convince them my letter of acceptance to Hogwarts has arrived in the post.
My husband doesn’t believe me that his daughters and first wife might be narcissists. He thinks that his first wife is just a bad combination of stupidity and selfishness and his daughters just need to go back to church and read the Bible. When we just started dating he said that they just need to mature and grow up. 11 years past, nothing has changed.
I don’t use the word Narcissist with my family. At first, they even thought I was the crazy maker in my life. Over time, I show them toxic patterns of my exes. Narcissist dont change, so my family is starting to see what is really going on. The biggest issue I have with my family right now, is my mother. Bless her heart. She is either Borderline or has strong traits of it. She feels everything so deep, and believes everyone is just hurt. So she has a tendency to tell narcissist that I am hurt by their actions, and makes the mistake of begging them to behave. I have to simplify everything to her and coach her on how to deal with high conflict. She still doesn’t get it.
Anm, I used to have the same outlook as your mom. Actually before I found HG’s work, I did No Contact with my stepdaughters a few times, it’s just that I never stuck with it and always got hoovered back because I thought that we are all trying to turn over a new leaf. I even had long exchanges of emails with my older stepdaughter where I expressed to her in detail how their actions have been hurtful and also the reasons I behaved in a certain way and that I regret them. She was totally on board with those email exchanges, although I was the only one who expressed apologies, I thought that she was taking her time to listen and now that she is aware of how her actions are hurtful she will stop them. But whenever I saw her in person it’s as if she didn’t read anything that I wrote because she would say things that I already told her are hurtful and continue to ignore me and only talk to her dad and brother when we visit. Now I totally understand that letting her know with complete honesty was actually a bad idea because I was giving her fuel by admitting that she had an effect on me and also telling her how to hurt me. Your mom is very trusting and I used to be like that. I’m so glad that I found HG’s works. They opened my eyes. But I agree with your approach that if they cannot accept the label ‘narcissist‘ then just describe the toxic behavior. But the label ‘narcissist’ was important to me because it means that there will be no change and we can never affect their behaviors.
My mom actually gets it which shocked me. She mentioned behavior that made her uncomfortable in reflection of my ex.. Apparently he told her he used to enjoy shooting things as a kid and laughed when he told her. (Bees—small creatures..) She said at the time she felt instantly alarmed but wrote it off. But she never forgot. She made this association entirely on her own. She knows of HG—few people do because it sounds outlandish. She’s also very generous financially and it helps to have the freedom to do consults etc. I don’t mean HG’s work is outlandish—it’s just a weird thing to explain and I reserve for a few close to me.
Anm, I just want to add that I didn’t comment on the possibility of being borderline or having some traits of it because I’m not knowledgeable about Borderline Personality Disorder. I know very little like they hurt themselves and their mood fluctuates rapidly.
The reason I do not use the word narcissist to most people, is because of Cognitive Dissonance. I’m not sure if you know what it is. Your brain and experiences have to stay in alignment for you to feel balanced. Let’s say you were in a happy relationship, and suddenly that person left you or cheated on you. For most people, there becomes an imbalance with stress. There is now a switch in the brain. That person you just loved, is now a horrible monster because on a psychological level, you can not accept someone can be a good person a do you wrong at the same time. Your brain doesn’t feel safe here. It’s a protective mechanism. I have seen this with my friends, where they call their ex a Narcissist, and I know that is not the case. This is often why police officers or judges don’t do anything when they see someone claiming their ex is an abuser. They are trained to look for this. You mention your ex or family member is a narcissist, some people may put you in this category, and it could be difficult to gain credibility again. I know my ex is a sociopath/narcissist. It isn’t going to serve me or my children by letting the Custody Evaluator know right off the bat.
As far as BPD, it is a spectrum disorder like Narcissism. They can hurt themselves or hurt someone else depending on if they are malignant or not. If not malignant, Borderlines get better with age. My mother balanced out with age, and is awesome. She does have an eating disorder, and bad relationship with food (the hurting oneself you mentioned).
Thank you for the explanation Anm. I think that it is wise to avoid the label narcissist because of what you explained. It is hard for my husband to accept that his daughters are pathological especially when he is not giving up on them eventually growing up and changing. He said that he doesn’t want to wish them ill but he is hoping that they will have more life experiences that will awaken them and show them that they are not the center of the universe. With his ex wife he doesn’t seem to want to think about her. He said that she has burned him so many times that he just wants to block her out of his thoughts. He blames her for the way their daughters turned out. He blames himself because he actually got full custody of the kids but he allowed them weekly unsupervised visits with her because they have been crying and missing their mom. And all of her playing games and undermining the way he was raising them and her playing the good cop and letting the kids do everything in her house have changed the kids into selfish adults. But I think for his case it is irrelevant now because their kids are all adults.
Thank you for explaining about BPD. I didn’t know that an eating disorder is a way to hurt one’ self but now it makes perfect sense. That is very interesting. I wonder if her begging them to behave is also a way to self hurt.
Mommypino,
I understand where your husband is. Of course he doesn’t want to give up on his kids. If his children are toxic to him, or his relationship with you, then he needs boundaries. However, if his children are narcissistic, but not full blown narcissist, there is hope, even if they are adults. I have seen even adults reconnect with a parent that they were turned against. I had a boss that reconnected with her father in her 40s after hating him her entire adult life. It was after she went through a divorce herself, did soul searching, and decided to reach out to her father. A lot of the high anxiety, and negative behaviors she had calmed down.
Even though the odds are against him, I understand why he hasn’t given up on the kids
Thank you Anm. I can understand him too. I wouldn’t give up on my kids too. But unfortunately, I don’t see any possibility of changing. I have seen how kind and giving he is to them and they act like it’s just his job. For example he took them to Disneyworld, they were already adults but he paid for their airfares, passes and hotel rooms. And they would make fun of him on the phone with their mom, got mad when he suggested for us to have microwavable TV dinner for one night to save money instead of dining out, they spent very little time with us and were on their own most of the time, and didn’t remember to greet him for Father’s Dat which fell on one of the days that we were there. It’s just one example but that’s pretty much their attitudes. They didn’t seem to care that they don’t spend time with him unless they need money or something like he referred his daughter’s husband to his friends to buy medical devices from him which pretty much started his career. They are really different and they don’t have any reason to hate their dad. I don’t think that they hate their dad either, they just don’t seem to care about him. 😢
I love this ANM. Absolutely. My co-worker found her loser husband talking to another woman and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Yes, he’s lazy, (quit his job as a police officer) irresponsible, cheats obviously.. No emotional support, endless pain in the ass. BUT he agreed to everything she wanted and the dissolution was done in less than a month. She was referring to his “narcissistic rage” recently and I felt it was an inadvertent misuse of the term that diminishes the true capacity of what it means. I think he was playing childish video games and smarted off because he is still
in the basement until he makes other arrangements. I think of narcissistic rage as Chris Watts and the likes.. I can’t relate to ever being hit by a man and or being physically injured. So, she simply doesn’t know and it harms the credibility of the term. I tend to use “challenging personality” aside from those closer to me. I don’t doubt her husband is a narcissist—but the lexicon is important. I stumbled onto all this as well and understand how it happens certainly, but I think you have reached a very educated and mature position to be so eloquent in how you conduct yourself. Bravo. HG is teaching us well.
A dead give away for a Borderline in a relationship, is they constantly play the push-pull game because of their issues. They love someone, but push them away. They usually don’t date/marry normal people. They get together with overly nice people who put up with their nonsense, or a Narcissist who doesn’t mind playing the Push-Pull game either.
I’ve harassed HG on his need to get some BPD work out to us. It’s interesting. The push/pull feels “black and white” and the fear of abandonment feels like fear of a fuel crisis after briefly talking to him. I love the comments on the potential lack of credibility using the word of narcissist. You are spot on.