The Narcissistic Truths – No. 5
The use of music in the narcissistic dynamic between our kind and our victims is common. It appears throughout the various stages of the dynamic but is used most heavily and also effectively during seduction. This use is an excellent microcosm for our behaviours as a whole :-
- It is used to appeal to your empathic traits such as love devotee;
- We use something created by someone else and pass it off as speaking for us;
- We do not feel the emotion conveyed in the song so we find a conduit (namely the song) to emulate it for us;
- It is easy to do thus conserving energy;
- We can use the same approach over and over again, even the same songs.
Thus we will use music often in order to lure our victims to us. I have however written a few pieces concerning the use of music in the seduction and therefore do not propose to do so once again here. Instead, I will utilise this expanded Narcissistic Truth to write about the use of bait in seducing you.
Everything we do when look to seduce you is bait.
Nothing is done or said ‘just because’. Our actions, our gestures, our words, our expressions are all part of this bait which is designed to draw you to us and ensure that you become ensnared on our dangling hook.
Much of this is instinctive. We have an ability to respond in a way which keeps producing bait to attract you. There is calculation too as we assess information that we have gathered about you and determine how would be the best way to lure you in, what would be the most appropriate and most rewarding approach. However, when we are interacting with you, we also respond in a instinctive fashion so that we do and say things which appeal to you.
Chief amongst this of course is the capacity to mirror. We have to do this, as I have explained elsewhere, which means that with a default setting of needing to mirror we automatically respond in a way which is appealing to you. We respond in a similar way to your likes and dislikes and it is a natural reaction which flows from this intrinsic requirement to mirror you. It often just happens because that is how we have been programmed.
Be in no doubt that during those early engagements with us that everything we do with you is designed to lure you. Of course we are drawing fuel from your enthusiastic replies to our passionate text messages, from that broad smile when you see us as you have been waiting in a bar for us or from your delight when we surprise you with a gift. This delicious positive fuel that you provide keeps telling us that we are right to keep laying down the bait, creating that trail of breadcrumbs that leads you into our world and then we close the portal behind you, keeping you there once you have become embedded.
None of these actions compliments, gestures or activities are done just for the sake of doing it. We do not derive ‘fun’ or ‘enjoyment’ from taking you out for dinner, going rowing together or playing a game of squash. We are drawing fuel and putting down the bait to trap you. That is all that matters.
You might wonder, but surely you enjoy playing squash anyway and it is doubly delightful to play squash with somebody whose company that you enjoy? It is a fair question and of course is one asked form your viewpoint. You do things because you intrinsically enjoy the experience. You like to be with somebody because you find them caring, amusing, mentally stimulating, good at what they do which impresses you and so on. None of that matters unless there is fuel attached to it.
Might I enjoy playing squash? Yes. Why? To win and thus draw fuel from the other person be it their praise at my prowess, admiration at the shots played or irritation at having been beaten. Might I enjoy playing squash with you? Yes. Why? Because you are giving me fuel during the game but moreover it is because I know you enjoy playing squash and therefore I am using it as a bait in my seduction of you.
There has to be a purpose.
Everything we say to you. Everything we do for you and with you. All of it, during seduction, must have the purpose of baiting you and providing us with fuel. It is not done just for the sake of doing it. That is an empty activity and a waste of our energy which must be conserved and applied in the most effective way to continue to gain fuel. During seduction these activities are carried out to lure you to us. That is the purpose. If the sentence or activity is not going to achieve that, there is no point to it.
During this seduction we want to spend so much time with you because you have something that we want – primarily fuel, but also those character traits and residual benefits. Those are the aims. You may be able to expound an excellent argument about the benefits of decriminalising narcotics but that is only of use to us as a character trait we might use for ourselves or the fact we purposefully play devil’s advocate so that your consternation as you continue to argue gives us fuel.
You may well be mentally stimulating, but that is only relevant in the context that fuel, character traits and residual benefits come with that mental stimulation also. The mental stimulation in itself is not enough.
This systematic baiting is necessary owing to the need for fuel. We have to have the certainty that you will give us fuel and be a fully functioning and reliable appliance. To secure this, we have to rely on baiting you and it is not enough to rely on that which is already there. That poses too great a risk. It is necessary to maximise our chances, thus we look for those who are the most susceptible and then we deploy our array of manipulations to create the illusion which ensures the bait is taken.
Yes, it might be the case that the more superior amongst us might well be able to secure your dedication to us without the embellishments and exaggerations but why on earth would we take such a chance? Not when there is so much at stake. You may say, “Be yourself and we would love you just the same”. I have seen this written many times and heard it too, but for many of our kind that would be a fatal mistake. For others, more advanced and with existing talent, it is not enough to rely on this and take chances. The optimum outcome has to be achieved and this means relying on luring you, attracting, baiting you through falsity, fakery and fabrication.
When you have been repeatedly told you are not good enough you are going to find someone else who is aren’t you?
32 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 5”
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This made me laugh because when my husband ended the affair with the narcissist, she posted a photo on Facebook of a teardrop falling from a woman’s eye. Someone mentioned a song and she said “Oh I can’t bear to think of that song, he sang it for ME!”
I hope she remembers it every time she shows up to stalk him and sees how he won’t even look at her. Silly bitch.
Please tell me you don’t do this. You are too old to send songs to people.
Too old? You are mistaken.
Ah yes.. 29..
Do we have an age range for you yet? I’ve read at least 20 articles, countless responses to your followers, myself included (and thank you for that as always–that’s getting easier to say).
If we don’t yet have an age for you, could you give us a half decade to work with without risking your privacy?
Lisa
He is a Gen X-er. That should narrow it down for you a bit.
“Age is only a matter of mind. If you don’t mind, it does’t matter.”–Mark Twain
Disclaimer: Mark Twain is now suspected of having been a narcissist. 😉
Some guy I met at a restaurant bar type of place in December sent me a few songs one day and I almost vomited! I kept thinking it was so junior high! It dampened my emotional thinking thankfully and then I read the sex book coincidentally and he was trying so hard that it all culminated into a big pile of love bombing! WHY ME. Always always always. I was so grossed out that for a brief second he looked like candy. I am officially an idiot.
Idiot? Nah, just human. Hopefully you will find a better piece of candy with no bitter after taste. Better still, maybe you will find a healthy meal followed by a just dessert in your future!
Maybe as I refuse to behave as a winsome coquette in the online world to snag anyone or have casual sex because it grosses me out because of my job and dealing with sexual diseases. (Seems that alone should avoid much of the garbage..)
I won’t go to church because I am not a follower and have no interest in a religious dynamic. I won’t date at work typically. And I most certainly need a lot of time to work on me so it’s truly
ok. The problem is that I seem to find them anyway and they are ALL narcissists even though my thinking wants to ignore logic. And they are all narcissists. I repeat that with certainty and the attraction is 100% mine. It’s a huge hurdle. I told HG and it’s true. I could go to the grocery produce section right now. I could report back in an hour and I’ll have the worst man’s phone number that browsed celery in the department. I’ll already be ignoring any red flags even though I saw them yet I hit the mute button over and over. And I hit that button until I don’t even hear it anymore.
Caire, I appreciate your honesty. I’m not sure I can add value here, but I will try. Please forgive if this is ground you have already covered.
What do you think drives your attraction to narcissists? Are you aware of the general and specific underpinnings for you?
Is it possible you are repeating a pattern simply because it is familiar?The known creates a misperception of control versus going against the norm and establishing a new pattern (vulnerability associated with change). Repeating a pattern can also be an attempt to finally achieve a positive outcome (not possible with a narcissist).
I’m glad you keep yourself safe in the dating world. I don’t know if you attract narcissists (due to traits HG has identified) or seek narcissists for a subconscious reason (such as avoidance of intimacy, or to control fears of loss or rejection).
If you really know you never want to tangle with a narcissist again, no matter how tempting the façade, you will not walk away with that narc phone number.
Narcissists are in abundance in any setting. The key is not to engage with them. Since I found HG’s works, I am becoming increasingly adept at identifying those I need to limit my exposure to or avoid entirely. I see clues I would have missed or excused before. I think really integrating the knowledge available here is key.
Further important skills you can employ when you do decide to seek a date are these:
1) Know your values and vigorously honor them.
2) Know your strengths and weaknesses (once a weakness is confronted without judgement it can be transformed into a strength)
3) Hone your ability to identify highly narcissistic traits and avoid those who display them.
Lastly, choose to be vulnerable only after someone demonstrates their character to you–meaning, take the time to allow someone to reveal themselves. It means delaying gratification in some ways, but pays off in the long run enormously (not only in avoiding narcs, but in building healthy self esteem).
Self work is a lifetime pursuit, there is not arrival destination. Enjoy the ride as you go and note your progress. I believe in time you will find you become magnetic to healthy guys too.
I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of your detailed reply. I am certain of the progress made thus far and recognize being where I am as an acceptable part of it all. I am able to distinguish behaviors that are problematic and actually went out with a normal human recently and continue to have some banter—it’s totally different and it’s like learning to eat baked chicken! I have even avoided a few obvious narcissistic men—and yes there is progress but it’s a hard pill to swallow.
I have always been naturally drawn to flashy men who draw people to them. One even dropped 100k gambling in Atlantic City one night—how freaking dumb is that?! Flashy, grandiose and never emotionally available. I have lots of work to do. I recognize my (deceased) clearly narcissistic father as contributing to setting the stage. (I hate knowing this is what he was but the evidence is firm and undeniable—I’m sure HG would concur with the info..) My generally cold mother—although she isn’t quite cold now at all. Other “crap” yes indeed.. I just don’t quite know how to put the puzzle pieces together. The last thing I want is the vulnerability of sitting in some office upset once a week—goodness forbid the tedious and questionably helpful trajectory of finding a “great” therapist. I’m never dazzled by one’s brilliance merely because they hang up a sign and think they have the answers. HG has answers. He’s logical and doesn’t burn incense that I know of but I’m not sure how extensively he puts Humpty Dumpty back together again. I went to someone talking about things that made me very uncomfortable and I’m exhausted by the prospect of digging up graves. Maybe I’ll have to—I don’t know. I don’t want to be fussy on here! I do imagine this is fairly typical for some though.
You are welcome and congrats on your progress, Claire!
I had heard from others that their experience with therapy was helpful. When I tried it, it felt like paying to have someone listen. I don’t need that. I came for answers to a dynamic I never understood. I stopped going and kept reading. I found my answers a few years later here.
You may always appreciate the charm of a narc, but it sounds like you are moving in a healthier direction. Good for you! I feel certain will find what you seek.
Narcissists don’t grow out of things. They repeat the same patterns their whole lives.
Well how about I send this one to my ex, or is that challenge fuel?
https://youtu.be/oyEuk8j8imI
Claire
Ha ha ha….don’t do it! Any interaction outside the formal relationship is a hoover and it could be construed as positive challenge fuel and he may want to get jiggy with you!
I’d slice my throat before that day. He repulses my senses and I hope this dissipates soon into nothingness. Last night my son (in so many words) communicates how his dad ignores him. HG in my head—tell a white lie and change the subject. Exactly what I did.
Claire
Ha ha ha…well, then it’s settled. My daughter informed me that her dad does not love her. How sad for your son and my daughter. They know they are being ignored and that is not love.
We have a new “thing” to be “together” because it is so lacking with him K. I got a ton of classic literature and we are reading. They have to write down words they don’t know. They even got new pens/notebooks they like to use. We then go around and look the words up including using the pronunciation feature on the phone and we use in a sentence—the sillier the sentence the greater the fun. “Rakish” was great fun yesterday. “HG has a rakish quality when he emerges from the volcano due to the soot dabbled on his face.”
I can only hope he will occasionally leave footprints with the occasional facade related activity. I plan to leave more than this. They will continue to have exposure to arts/education/interesting places.. I’m disappointed because he was mirroring me and seemed to be a really good prospect. I didn’t jaunt over to a junkyard 17 years ago and pick up a guy in a wife beater. He liked what I liked, he listened and related enough back to be intriguing enough.. He relies on looks and intelligence both. He’s gold plated, that’s all. It’s a millimeter deep.
Claire
They are very superficial and remind me of Fool’s Gold.
What books are you reading?
I have two bags of books checked out. They let you renew over and over. Currently: Old Yeller, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, Hobbit, and one new book my daughter got at a book fair at school.
My son is most amenable but the girls are not horrible all the time. My 11-year-old asked me repeatedly if I’d attend her school field day. I will have to do it after being awake 28 hours so I hesitantly obliged and then she told me not to embarrass her. The girls are just a different age and want me but not too much. He is 9–more reliant and less resistant.
Claire
Those are excellent, The Hobbit is one of my favorite books. My son loved Treasure Island, Kidnapped, Flying Solo, Boy (anything by Roald Dahl), Holes, Moby Dick and Dune. My daughter loved The Twits and Matilda by RD, Series of Unfortunate Events, Coraline and The Twilight, Harry Potter and GoT series. There are so many great books for children to read. It is wonderful!
Flying Solo and Boy are two of my favourite books. HG approves.
He was a fabulous writer and quite funny, too.
As soon as I seen those titles HG, I knew you would approve! 🙃
K—I just took a screenshot of your ideas! Thank you.
My pleasure Claire! Reading with your children is a wonderful way to spend time with them.
Oh and the next activity will be to look at the world’s time zones and add/subtract hours while pretending we are calling around and see when to maybe make proper phone calls around the world. Etiquette ya know—no calls past 10pm or before 9am. This way when they call HG in ten years for a narc consult on me they will call at the proper time.
My MR would always send me HIS favourite songs (be them old fashioned romantic ones or this bass beat will club the skin off your bones) – he was never interested in what I was into. If I would send one, (which I stopped doing) he would always say “Oh I fucking hate that singer. He is blah blah, or they did this thing and I lost respect for them”.
HG, RE:
“You may say, “Be yourself and we would love you just the same”. I have seen this written many times and heard it too, but for many of our kind that would be a fatal mistake. For others, more advanced and with existing talent, it is not enough to rely on this and take chances.”
Logically, this makes sense.
Yet, I am curious if your perspective has shifted after being told by your readers–who know part of the real you versus your façade–that you are amazing, brilliant, loved, appreciated, accepted, a hero, etc.? Have you felt any increase in self worth (versus what you described as “excellent conceit” of self)? I hope so.
At the very least, I hope it takes some of the sting out of the lies you were told growing up. You were and are good enough and the person(s) that told you otherwise were projecting their own self-loathing. Misery not only loves company, it sometimes (sadly) demands it.
Oh my, yes. This one made me laugh, as it reminded me of something my dear old friend used to do. He would send these flirtatious lyrics, and when I would call him out on it, he would claim he “didn’t mean it that way”. and that he was merely appreciating the lyrical genius of so-and-so. That he didn’t even realize I would perceive them that way. At the time I thought he was just socially awkward, perhaps somewhere on the autism spectrum. I, being the person I am, simply accepted this odd behavior as a quirk of his personality. I politely started ignoring these ‘perceived flirtations’ rather than reacting to them, and somehow miraculously they stopped. Imagine that.