Grey Rock – Why It Does Not Work




  1. What about grey rock at xmas/Easter or birthday parties. If there are others to provide fuel, a large gathering, do you think that is acceptable?

      1. Even if they are a NISS/family member. That’s the rare contact I have. I’ve said no this week to a potential triangulation by avoiding said birthday party. Waiting for the silent treatment now at xmas 🙄🤣

  2. Interesting take on this – of course no contact I’d possible but not probable if you have joint finances or children. My take on dealing with my ex is to forget what he is or what he wants as it’s irrelevant to me. My goal is to keep myself safe so I don’t buy into his BS and if I don’t want to answer a text I don’t. My self esteem has grown immeasurably since we split and all my friends remark on how happy I am and how much I have changed. It was not easy to recover from the self destructive behaviours that made me vulnerable to addiction and easy prey for my ex but I have; and what I have learned keeps me safe from him and from others like him. Job done

    1. Claire, that sounds like a great strategy! Forget what he is and what he wants as it’s irrelevant to you. I love that.

      1. Thank you – I found that once I concentrated on my healing and building a new life things changed for me and as a consequence my ex’s behaviour was not important. I had no need to please him and don’t care if he doesn’t like what I do. We have rare contact by text or mail regarding finances or our daughter and that works well – if he tries to draw me in (which he does) I don’t bite. Life is good now!

        1. Thanks for sharing Clare, it’s so good to feel strong! Finding the courage to build a new life can be quite difficult, but once started, I found that there is no going back. Becoming ‘you’ is addictive. So much unexplored territory. I like it. Good luck to you!

  3. HG,

    What to do when we accidentally meet narcissist after years without contact?
    I thought it was a gray rock the best solution in that situation?


      1. I remember that you wrote about how to act when we accidentally meet narc, but I can not remember in which article. Would you remind me?

        1. Me , it may be a concidence but there is someone on another support forum with the username me ,who claims to be a psychopath.
          It’s just weird I stumbled upon that by accident last week and now see there is another Me here ?…..

  4. How can I get away when I have 8 kids and they want me to eat dinner with my Narc X. They get extremely upset when I try to get away. Do you have an article on this? He’s used them against me since they were babies!

      1. LOL, NarcAngel!

        I have ONE and I’m pretty used to my food – and coffee – being cold by the time I get to it.

    1. Hi Kelly,
      Do you know why they get upset? Are they upset because they want you to all be together? Or are they scared of being left alone with the narcissist?
      If its because they want to have dinner as a group and they are quite young, maybe away from the narcissist explain to them that you don’t want them to see/hear any arguments between you and the narcissist and that by not being there you are trying to protect them from further upset.
      (Of course, this is not better for the narcissist but they won’t understand that if they are small children.)
      If it is because they are scared of the narcissist, you may want to seek further advice from a family law solicitor who is experienced in domestic abuse cases. You may want to find out where you can get initial free legal advice from your local domestic abuse support service.
      I believe HG also has a book or something about raising children with the narcissist?

    2. I’d stand your ground and say no if you feel this is right for you. You can explain you need to keep yourself safe and it’s no reflection on your love for them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of pleasing your kids for an easy life but clear boundaries are necessary for your wellbeing.
      Don’t allow the psychological warfare to work if at all possible (easy to say I know).
      I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex and while she loves her dad because he’s her dad she has come to understand that not everything he tries to get her to believe about me (or anything) is the truth. He complains to me that she doesn’t want to speak to him but I let it go and don’t force her to unless it’s to make a specific arrangement.
      Hopefully you can stay sane and balanced for them and they will come to appreciate that point of stability in the chaos created by a narc. My daughter does.
      It took me several years to put my life back together but I have because I owed it to myself and to her.
      I hope you can find a way forward that works for you

      1. That is great advice, Clare. It reminds me of a time recently I was cutting off an N and my daughter was upset and guilt-tripping me about spending time with them. It was hard for me because I felt bad for her and because I’ve had other N issues I’ve had to cut off so it makes me feel at fault. I almost caved to her. But in the end what I realized is I had to just be firm and actually there wouldn’t be negative consequences if I just was very stable in my authority, decision and knowing that I am not wrong instead of questioning myself and really the whole thing should be downplayed rather than turning up the drama-meter and making it a thing. It turned out great and we made alternative plans and in hindsight I was better off showing her it didn’t even matter in the end, the memory for her now is probably more stable. But I think if I had caved to my daughter it would have given her the impression she could guilt-trip me and that I don’t know what I’m talking about, which is ultimately VERY unhealthy FOR her, because that is an N behavior, isn’t it?

        Anyway, I hadn’t thought of all of that, so just wanted to say it was very insightful of you.

    3. Pick something he actually did and have him arrested for it. That’s what I did. Now he only stslks me online and stares through windows. While they don’t know the why behind any of it, my children accept he’s not allowed within 100m of me or to speak to me and if he tries he’s going away. That’s what it took.

  5. Very practical. I like how the titles have changed it make things more clear and have the word “narcissist.” When I send people here as first timers it will make more sense.

  6. This makes complete sense.
    Loving your voice on this one. I particularly liked the pauses, where you’re trying to grab your (sentence-stream) bearings – it shows a realness to you. There’s one at 0:26 for 3 seconds. There was feelings of willing you to finish your sentence so you keep your confidence and power. Then there’s one at 1:48 where it appears you almost said the word ‘molest’ instead of ‘misled’. And, the 4:06 one where you say ‘court order’, pause, say ‘erm’ and then correct it to ‘communications’ (very cute).
    I can’t help but think you had something on your mind that was bothering you at the time of the video. And I can’t help but think I need a hobby.

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