Why Grey Rock Does Not Work
Many people advocate the use of Grey Rock when dealing with the narcissist.
Other people use it and believe that it is effective.
It is not.
This logic bulletin sets out in a clear and succinct manner why we as narcissists are actually relishing grey rock, how it gives us what we want, how you are conned into thinking it is working and how you are actually making your life far harder than it needs to be.
Build your logic defences and understand why grey rock does not work.
29 thoughts on “Why Grey Rock Does Not Work”
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What do you do,if targeted by two narcissistic sociopaths?One wants to kill me,and the other, fits s psychopath definition well! Both do.Ihave tried grey rock,but due to trauma,I react easily.They are master manipulators!I have developed a severe trauma disorder and do have a mental health diagnosis.Both look sane and normal.I do not.Grey rock not working,b/c of my illness I react easy.Help!
You use this, Serenity, forthwith
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
I have a question. I have a father who is GN and a mother who is an enabler, I want to go no contact with GN but then I will not be able to communicate with the mother because my attempts to invite her for a visit at my place have been unsuccessful so far. Except for phone calls. So I am maintaining very low contact with both of them, visiting them not more than three times per year without staying overnight and using grey rock rule. Is there another way?
Yes there is. It is detailed and therefore an audio consultation is the appropriate method of explaining it to you and assisting you.
Thank you.
From an empath’s perspective Grey Rock is exhausting. It’s hard for an empath to bottle their emotions. A Greater or MR will also see it right away and know what you are doing which will probably make them change their manipulation tactic to something you don’t expect. You will suffer damage. Maybe it’s worth it to you.
@Jess, I know. I am a highly sensitive person and got hurt by my narc father many times before until I finally woke up so to say. I even think either one or both of my siblings are narcs too. But my mother is an empath and I have a close connection with her which I don’t want to lose as she won’t live forever. Yet she is refusing to go out anywhere without that narc and he is after heart stroke so she thinks I should at least visit him/them for holidays bc he will get worse – that’s bullshit, she’s been brainwashed yet I care more about her health state if he gets worse. It’s her choice I know and my heart cries bc of that. Only phone calls seem to have been left and she sometimes acts as messenger of the narc during them so I need to hang up soon. Impossible to invite her for a coffee just two of us, I think the narc gets suspicious or jealous or whatever. Our communication over time got to the point of very cold and basically relates to weather, his health and politics. I don’t talk about myself at all and what works for me is listening to his monologues about him and “understanding” him, asking questions about him, praising him for his efforts. That’s better than grey rock as he then goes on to talk about himself and leaves me alone. Yes that’s giving fuel but it’s safe for now as he is busy with grooming my mother and the other siblings and some other fuel sources.
What about grey rock at xmas/Easter or birthday parties. If there are others to provide fuel, a large gathering, do you think that is acceptable?
No
Even if they are a NISS/family member. That’s the rare contact I have. I’ve said no this week to a potential triangulation by avoiding said birthday party. Waiting for the silent treatment now at xmas 🙄🤣
Interesting take on this – of course no contact I’d possible but not probable if you have joint finances or children. My take on dealing with my ex is to forget what he is or what he wants as it’s irrelevant to me. My goal is to keep myself safe so I don’t buy into his BS and if I don’t want to answer a text I don’t. My self esteem has grown immeasurably since we split and all my friends remark on how happy I am and how much I have changed. It was not easy to recover from the self destructive behaviours that made me vulnerable to addiction and easy prey for my ex but I have; and what I have learned keeps me safe from him and from others like him. Job done
Claire, that sounds like a great strategy! Forget what he is and what he wants as it’s irrelevant to you. I love that.
Thank you – I found that once I concentrated on my healing and building a new life things changed for me and as a consequence my ex’s behaviour was not important. I had no need to please him and don’t care if he doesn’t like what I do. We have rare contact by text or mail regarding finances or our daughter and that works well – if he tries to draw me in (which he does) I don’t bite. Life is good now!
Clare
Great thoughts of logic over emotion.
Thanks for sharing Clare, it’s so good to feel strong! Finding the courage to build a new life can be quite difficult, but once started, I found that there is no going back. Becoming ‘you’ is addictive. So much unexplored territory. I like it. Good luck to you!
HG,
What to do when we accidentally meet narcissist after years without contact?
I thought it was a gray rock the best solution in that situation?
Thx
No.
You walk away – that is the best solution.
I remember that you wrote about how to act when we accidentally meet narc, but I can not remember in which article. Would you remind me?
Try ‘But What If He Is There’.
Me , it may be a concidence but there is someone on another support forum with the username me ,who claims to be a psychopath.
It’s just weird I stumbled upon that by accident last week and now see there is another Me here ?…..
How can I get away when I have 8 kids and they want me to eat dinner with my Narc X. They get extremely upset when I try to get away. Do you have an article on this? He’s used them against me since they were babies!
Kelly
You have time to eat??!!
LOL, NarcAngel!
I have ONE and I’m pretty used to my food – and coffee – being cold by the time I get to it.
Hi Kelly,
Do you know why they get upset? Are they upset because they want you to all be together? Or are they scared of being left alone with the narcissist?
If its because they want to have dinner as a group and they are quite young, maybe away from the narcissist explain to them that you don’t want them to see/hear any arguments between you and the narcissist and that by not being there you are trying to protect them from further upset.
(Of course, this is not better for the narcissist but they won’t understand that if they are small children.)
If it is because they are scared of the narcissist, you may want to seek further advice from a family law solicitor who is experienced in domestic abuse cases. You may want to find out where you can get initial free legal advice from your local domestic abuse support service.
I believe HG also has a book or something about raising children with the narcissist?
I’d stand your ground and say no if you feel this is right for you. You can explain you need to keep yourself safe and it’s no reflection on your love for them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of pleasing your kids for an easy life but clear boundaries are necessary for your wellbeing.
Don’t allow the psychological warfare to work if at all possible (easy to say I know).
I have a 16 year old daughter with my ex and while she loves her dad because he’s her dad she has come to understand that not everything he tries to get her to believe about me (or anything) is the truth. He complains to me that she doesn’t want to speak to him but I let it go and don’t force her to unless it’s to make a specific arrangement.
Hopefully you can stay sane and balanced for them and they will come to appreciate that point of stability in the chaos created by a narc. My daughter does.
It took me several years to put my life back together but I have because I owed it to myself and to her.
I hope you can find a way forward that works for you
That is great advice, Clare. It reminds me of a time recently I was cutting off an N and my daughter was upset and guilt-tripping me about spending time with them. It was hard for me because I felt bad for her and because I’ve had other N issues I’ve had to cut off so it makes me feel at fault. I almost caved to her. But in the end what I realized is I had to just be firm and actually there wouldn’t be negative consequences if I just was very stable in my authority, decision and knowing that I am not wrong instead of questioning myself and really the whole thing should be downplayed rather than turning up the drama-meter and making it a thing. It turned out great and we made alternative plans and in hindsight I was better off showing her it didn’t even matter in the end, the memory for her now is probably more stable. But I think if I had caved to my daughter it would have given her the impression she could guilt-trip me and that I don’t know what I’m talking about, which is ultimately VERY unhealthy FOR her, because that is an N behavior, isn’t it?
Anyway, I hadn’t thought of all of that, so just wanted to say it was very insightful of you.
Pick something he actually did and have him arrested for it. That’s what I did. Now he only stslks me online and stares through windows. While they don’t know the why behind any of it, my children accept he’s not allowed within 100m of me or to speak to me and if he tries he’s going away. That’s what it took.
Very practical. I like how the titles have changed it make things more clear and have the word “narcissist.” When I send people here as first timers it will make more sense.
This makes complete sense.
Loving your voice on this one. I particularly liked the pauses, where you’re trying to grab your (sentence-stream) bearings – it shows a realness to you. There’s one at 0:26 for 3 seconds. There was feelings of willing you to finish your sentence so you keep your confidence and power. Then there’s one at 1:48 where it appears you almost said the word ‘molest’ instead of ‘misled’. And, the 4:06 one where you say ‘court order’, pause, say ‘erm’ and then correct it to ‘communications’ (very cute).
I can’t help but think you had something on your mind that was bothering you at the time of the video. And I can’t help but think I need a hobby.