A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 3
I forgive you.
As one should not blame the blind for failing to see, or the deaf for not hearing the melodies we sing to you, I cannot blame you for what you are.
I understand it comes from a place of shame, of pain, and from a childhood deprived of love.
As the grain of sand lacerates the delicate insides of an oyster, the wounded creature covers it with beauty to make a pearl; likewise, you created your image, your glowing, lavish illusion to the world…But inside there is still that grain of sand scratching at your core. That is what I remember when you lie so blatantly: it’s just more coating for your pearl.
Those who I would blame are gone, and my life is too precious and short to waste time hating them, or you. Though you might be a willing – if not eager- tutor, I have no desire, no inclination to learn how to hate. I was ever the rebellious pupil.
I love you.
My heart is vast, with room to spare; my love costs nothing and I give it freely.
Now I understand how badly you need love, I offer it willingly to fill your void as best I can…But it is only love that I will feed you.
If you demand anger, frustration, sorrow, you will not be sated by me. All I could offer then is my pity, but I mask it well, for I do not wish to wound you. I see the grain of sand, I know your modus operandi, but I do not wish to crack your pearl, it gives me no joy to do so.
My heart is strong.
It is more resilient than you can imagine, and each new onslaught, each storm you might try rage against me rushes past like a breeze and leaves me intact and whole, confusing and confounding you, for my heart is not made with walls and foundations: it is a vast, wide ocean, its waves breaking, ebbing and flowing, but always full and deep, timeless and unstoppable. You cannot control me any more than an oyster controls the tide, but I let you believe you are master of the waves, for it gives you some peace and causes me no harm.
You do not understand, pearl in my depths, but I do.
My heart is strong, I love you and I forgive you.
22 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 3”
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You’re welcome Mommypino, and thank you for your comment too. I feel the same way about my parents.
I was out in the emotional sea for a long time because of them, and the feelings of confusion and isolation turned into depression and a total lack of motivation, mainly because of the emotional turmoil in my mind that was put there by my mother and the other members of my close family who followed in her footsteps. They were her enablers and lieutenants. It was very hard to live with at times.
Still, like you I find ‘no contact’ impossible to do, even though it’s the best solution to recover from the fog and emotional thinking. I still love my family, even though it’s not as strong and unconditional a love as it used to be. There are boundaries now and I am a lot more aware of my true feelings and in control of them.
A reader commented here a few days ago that narcissists are not ‘always’ at their worst. That’s true. They can be loving, attentive, generous, helpful and kind, even though it’s probably done to manipulate and control. But when it’s your mother and you are a child and while you’re unaware of narcissism, you believed them and you believed in their ‘goodness’. And yes, it’s a big part of who you are and your own personal history. It’s your life and your experiences, and it’s not all black and white or logical.
I know what you mean when you say it’s better for your spirit and you could never turn your back on her. I feel the same way, especially when they are getting older and more frail and need help.
Knowledge makes so much difference, it changes everything. The more I read and learn from HG and from other places about psychology in general, things get easier.
I wish you all the best with your mother Mommypino. It is very strong and good-hearted of you to have that spirit of love and care and generosity for her.
Beautiful… But oh so overly optimistic, wishful thinking…
“I understand how badly you need love” – no, they don’t. They need attention, control and power. Love needs yourself whole, sane, calm, assured, so you can then build it up towards the one you love from a solid place. They certainly don’t want you like that…
Love can and has to be unforgiving sometimes.
Try telling them “I love you despite all your flaws and lies and insatiable pride”, see what happens… It’s possible, it’s true, but they cannot grasp it, or if they can, they don’t want it, they fight it.
So in the end you have to let go… Forgive, yes. Continue to love… completely useless.
I agree with you Abe Moline. As much as I think this letter is beautiful and touching, I don’t think narcissists need love. They need fuel. They don’t recognise love for what it is and they can’t reciprocate it genuinely. They receive love, but they recognise it as fuel. The love they’re given may be constant and honest, given freely and unconditionally, but to them the fuel they get from it becomes stale and they need a contrast to sustain their interest. Therefore your love is not unique and cherished by them. It can be replaced by fuel they get from someone or somewhere else.
Skerin’s beautiful letter has been published here a few times in the past two years, and each time I read it I enjoy the poetry and concise and powerful meaning in it. Each time I read it, I also feel more for Skerin than I do for the narcissist she writes about (which is her mother as mentioned in the comments to a previous post of it).
Through Skerin’s words, she is directing the love and forgiveness to the narcissist, but I feel that she is saying the words to herself as well. By accepting her mother the way she is and understanding the differences between her mother and herself, she is actually able to love and forgive herself.
You are right when you say that it’s completely useless to continue to love a narcissist. In the end, the only thing that makes sense is to let go, and by doing that, you can start to love yourself instead. And then, your love becomes very valuable and useful.
Wow, I wasn’t aware it was about her mother. In that case, I have an even greater amount of respect for her and her strength. Although I agree with you, Wiser Now, that it is useless to continue to love. I often get so caught up in the idea of romantic relationships with narcissists that I forget this dynamic exists as well and is just as painful (if not more) than that of a romantic partner. It’s so sad, really.
I agree Joanne, it is very sad. When it’s someone close like a parent, it affects who you are and how you look at life at a very deep level.
Although it’s very sad (and painful, confusing and infuriating too) to be in that dynamic, it’s also something that can make you personally strong as well. There are sad and bad aspects to it, but there are also good aspects, eventually, with time. You learn a lot about your real self. It makes you see people and everything in a calm and grounded way and you have much less fear about the ‘worst’ things that can happen. It reminds me of the quote that goes something like… “The strongest steel is forged in the hottest furnace”.
WN
I agree completely. I’ve commented before about my narc stepfather whom I was lucky enough to be free from after only a handful of years. My younger half siblings however, spent their childhoods and teen years with him. They are some of the strongest and most resilient people I know. While I do know they suffered damage, they have risen above their abusive pasts and have grown into healthy loving adults.
WiserNow, thank you so much for providing the context on this beautiful poetry. Now I can totally understand. I have personal struggles with my matrinarc as I recognize all of the wrong things that she did. I am setting boundaries but I cannot bring myself to stop loving her. She is a big part of who I am and to not love her is to not love that part of myself. I have chosen to stay in contact with her and continue to care and provide for her. It is better for my spirit and I can never turn my back on her. I do continue to love her and I have accepted what she is because of the understanding that HG has given. I am now reconciling my painful past with my present that is armed with the knowledge that HG gave me.
Wow! So beautifully written❤
Beautifully written. I don’t share one single ounce of emotion but I understand having been in that place at other times. Lovely—stunning.
Wow ❤️❤️❤️ Talent
Yes…this…
I am weeping as I type for this piece has sliced right through to my solar plexus. It expresses both beautifully and gut wrenching painfully how I feel about the narc I love yet have had to extricate myself from him after 3 years.Such is the dichotomy of the empath/narcissist connection…is it a ‘twin flame’ in fact? I do not know…all I know is that the man 17yrs my senior who spoon fed me loving lies these past few years will live on in my heart even tho he has broken it.I am going no contact but just 1 hour ago I drove past him and he looked sadly at me.Then I came home and read this! HG, perhaps you are omniscient but I doubt that very much.It matters not, only that you have described my aching heart and shattered.soul with striking accuracy in this extract.Strangely,I feel I must thank you.
My ex Narc lover called me his Kate Bush…I listen to her singing ‘You’re the One’ and Fleetwood Mac ‘Beauty & the Beast’ as we both love Stevie Nicks. Listen to the words and I defy my fellow empaths not to shed a tear.
In many ways, I blame singer-songwriters like Kate Bush and Stevie Nicks for perpetuating the romanticism and the fantasies of love devotees.
However, I can turn some of their lyrics around–so, it’s alright, darlin’.
I can now be kind to my own mistakes.
I absolutely love this.
Beatifully written, Skerin, and beautiful spirit. More power to you. I am not one for inspirational quotes but I was inspired by a Zen one today from a former colleague who is also a martial arts sensei: ‘Your urge to control life controls you.’
A reflective and beautifully composed letter.
Is that what the shield maiden does? Do you think it’s possible to sustain such a relationship? I’ve been doing something similar for about 7-8 years now. It’s exhausting.
He recently wrote/made a youtube on this very question. The simple answer is no.
Wow, that was powerful.
I’ve been away for a bit… are these submissions from your readers, HG?
Yes, they are.
Great idea. I may send you one – not necessarily for publication because it certainly wouldn’t be as poetic as this one (or as clever as the other one) but just to get things off my chest.
I loved the writer’s oyster and tide metaphor. I felt that friction in his/her description! How strong and resilient they are to be able to view themselves as the more powerful ocean.
Hi, I’m back! This letter is incredibly written. It tells me that she will not change herself in spite of who she’s loves. The narcissist I believe is smart enough to understand this well written letter. He knows he is wounded and is living in disguise.
Santa