The Dirty Divorce
Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –
- It is your fault. It is always your fault;
- If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
- We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to us through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
- If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
- If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
- There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
- We like to get in first;
- Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.
If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –
- A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
- It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
- Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
- We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
- We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
- Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
- It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.
Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.
Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?
- The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
- If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
- There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
- There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
- Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
- We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
- We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
- There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
- There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
- You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
- There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
- We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
- There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
- Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
- There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
- Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
- Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
- There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
- It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
- We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
- There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
- Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
- You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
- We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
- Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
- There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
- Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
- There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
- We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.
Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.
40 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”
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As always HG, brilliant!!
Thank you
This was so on point. My ex did everything in his power to delay the divorce proceedings, thankfully I had a lawyer who knew his game and well, she beat him at his own game. It felt amazing when things went in my favor and my story was heard.
Oh my goodness, I totally get this post. This is so frighteningly true.
Were you difficult HG —when you divorced?
I was right.
I just couldn’t deal with you—I’d suffocate you before dealing with you in a divorce!
Like you would have any chance to do that! Now, now, play nice!
I actually know forensic secrets you don’t know. I can pull it off!
Unfortunately for you part of my training involved forensic medicine. I know every way of killing and being killed. Focus on the narcissists around you instead.
Maybe I have! Haha! I do guarantee my forensic expertise as exceeding your capabilities because I can think through the physiological aspects as opposed to just following directions like recipes. It’s ok though—just keep up the good work! You have my rear end beat on the expertise you share here!
Problem you have is that I know what you do. You do not know what I do. I also perform without hesitation or regret, unlike you.
I’ve never once pondered what your Linked In profile/CV illustrates, although.. I feel kinda heebie jeebie’ish now!
This is amusing. An empath and a psychopath competing on who’s the better killer. I’m site that empathy can be effective killers too. But the guilt will probably haunt them afterwards. 😬.
* I’m sure that empaths can be effective killers too.
One of us has a track record, the other knows some theory. World of difference.
HG you often write of the training you have had as stated in your last comment. Is this training used in your profession at this time? Or was this training used for a previous profession?
Yes. Yes.
Oh HG was that a double yes, as in yes for this and another profession? Or is it a double yes because you like to confuse me?
HG grrrrrr! I’m going with you like to push my buttons! 🙃
Fool me—HG is totally yanking our chain. I think he’s this empathic man with 5 kids, 3 Labrador retrievers, a pond and an equally empathic wife. He’s created all this and we are all duped. (It is on target though.) He’s a Ph.D. Professor of psychology and we are part of his ongoing university project!
HG
I have no doubt you know much, yet I can say I am sure I know ways you do not….I still wouldn’t try to fool you, body language tends to be a give away.
Twilight I don’t think even HG would mess around with Mother Nature! 🌪🔥☄️💨 😉
FM1T
Only the strong survive in nature….I think HG could hold his own or he would just seduce Mother Nature.
Haha. So true Twilight, so very true!
HG I am going with you used it in your last profession and also this one. It’s not like you will tell me anyhow! Ugh!
I already did tell you.
Apologies HG! I wasn’t exactly sure if one of the two yes’s was a mistake or perhaps a typo.
what Claire meant to say was that she would accept the proposal, stand you up at the alter because she’ll be at the airport leaving the country…
Waste his time in 2019!
Ah but indeed I’d have to flee!
Hi Claire, whatever you decide to do, I hope you don’t regret it 😉
Just hoping for a reasonable outcome Witch. Perhaps the ultimate outcome will be no further legal predicament associated with the marital union. I’m less and less disturbed by the process. We have included some hints at illustrating his behavior in the paperwork so that he appears as he is, but who knows who will even care. The realistic nature of HG’s work offers a freedom of acceptance. I will admit that it would be fun to see HG as an acting attorney in combat with the idiot. It would be amusing. I’m certain he could get him to act out in some manner.
It’s been almost three years, and I’m still frightened to start the divorce process. I have a fear that some idiotic judge will be taken in by him (criminal convictions notwithstanding) and he’ll be given significant unsupervised time with our children (child protection involvement notwithstanding).
I cannot allow that and so I procrastinate.
Hi Lisa,
He will be allowed access to the children as a default. But depending on how much time he has been away from the children and the specific circumstances, it may start off as supervised through a contact centre. In my opinion family court has a long way to go when it comes to recognising the impact witnessing domestic abuse has on children and the risks child contact poses for the victim.
If you haven’t done so already, try seeking initial free legal advice from a family law solicitor so you are better informed on your chances.
Maybe try calling “rights of women” if you are from the UK.
Also you can withhold child contact for the time being but he can also apply for a child contact order through family court.
Thank you, Witch.
He has plenty of supervised contact. It was at a supervised centre, but has long since graduated to semi-supervised twice weekly with his mother present.
It’s the fear that the judge will believe he’s changed and allow him either every other weekend or even week-about unsupervised shared custody that stops me. I stayed in hell for too long because I needed to supervise the devil myself to protect my kids as well as I could. He was frequently violent with them as well. That was the wrong choice, but it was the only one I could see at the time.
Hi Lisa,
You’re right that there is a risk that the court will sometimes want to “progress” the case to unsupervised contact. Do you believe your ex will push to ask for unsupervised? Because I don’t believe the order will change unless a party requests that it does?
I’m hoping for yours and the children’s protection
Also Lisa has the court ever received evidence for the abuse against the children? Have you reported any of the incidents against the children to the police? Have the children disclosed incidents at their school which led to children social services being involved?
Has your ex ever breached the order by failing to have the children?
If your ex has been consistent with the children then it may be difficult for you to find something you can use against him.
If he’s completed any parenting programs, domestic abuse programmes, has a drug and alcohol misuse key worker etc, this may also work in his favour in terms of convincing the judge he has changed.
Since it sounds like you’re dealing with a lesser? He is more likely to breach orders, behave inappropriately at court or say something stupid, commit further crimes, decline to attend any programs.
Can he afford a decent solicitor? Because if he pushes it and you fight back, after a couple of court hearings he will pushing it into the thousands. Of course he may represent himself but then may be more likely to say something stupid having represented himself.
What I would advice is if it comes to it, play it innocent “I want my children to have a good relationship with their father but I’m fearful the physical abuse will start again without any supervision”
This way you’re making it about the children and their safety not the relationship between you and your ex or whatever he has done to you in the past. Even though it should count, the judge will argue “what has that got to do with the children?”
Are the children old enough to say they don’t want to be left alone with their father and is this their view?
You don’t have to answer all these questions for me, just things to consider. But I really recommend speaking to a solicitor about what you can use to argue against unsupervised contact. You never know when he may apply to the courts to request unsupervised contact, so you want to be prepared just in case.
It’s been reported to child protection. I made mention of it to police, but didn’t feel it was in my daughter’s best interests to force her to testify. She’s old enough to be subpoenaed. Since he’s so full of himself that he allowed me to record a confession, it didn’t seem pertinent to get him on everything; just the stuff I could prove.
Hi Lisa,
I’m glad to hear you have some evidence.
When I need a psychological boost sometimes I meditate on the image of the goddess Kali and her attributes. It’s helps cultivate the fire xxx
Make a plan on how to deal with this, visit a lawyer for advice on the best way and open a savings account not in you name for funds to save that you will need. Wishing you the best