Narcissist V Shelf IPSS
The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.
- The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).
2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.
3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.
4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist
“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”
This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.
There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with
“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”
The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.
5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.
7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.
8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist
“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”
Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is an instant response from the narcissist by text
“I miss you too.”
The SIPSS sends a further text.
“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.
9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning
“Hi, are you okay?”
Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.
10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again
“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text
“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”
This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again
“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”
This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
12. She waits ten minutes and texts again
“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”
This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.
13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later
“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”
He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.
14. The SIPSS answers immediately
“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”
This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.
He texts back immediately
“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”
He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white
15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-
” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”
Again positive Challenge Fuel.
There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
16. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
17. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”
Positive Challenge Fuel.
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
18. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.
No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.
19. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.
20. The narcissist responds
“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”
The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.
The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.
21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.
The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.
The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.
22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday
“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”
This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.
The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.
23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.
Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.
24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.
When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.
Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.
20 thoughts on “Narcissist V Shelf IPSS”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I’ve been putting off reading this again…it kind hurts. But I make myself read it each time you post it HG because it reminds me (in a helpful way) of the emotional BS I used to go through.
I was this S-IPSS, literally!! Those three days when they didn’t talk, I was wringing my hands and trying to keep my hands off my phone so I didn’t look desperate texting him again so soon…like the addict I truly was!
When he ignored the texts (even though still painted white) my mind was spinning on what I did wrong, why doesn’t he care to just text me back, this relationship is so messed up why do I put up with this etc etc etc.
When I spent a miserable night lamenting over a fight (ie absent silent treatment) and couldn’t stand it the next morning so sent an apology even though I wasn’t sure I had don’t anything wrong.
When I suspected (suspicions that were encouraged and planted by him through triangulation) that he was texting someone else at the same time and had to peel myself away from the convo to save some modicum of self respect.
It felt awful. Made me crazy, anxious, nauseated, permeated all my thoughts, kept me up at night, my work suffered at times.
And the struggle is real, because I STILL manage to miss it at times. Though I would never want someone to have that kind of power over me again. Ever.
Dearest HG: Utterly Remarkable! It is like a prototype of a game that, if it could be played as a strategy, other than interpersonal relationships, it could be marketed. Like a combination of the games of: chess (rules of movement), and twister (some unpredictable and uncomfortable movements) and monopoly (winning the prize such as being crowned the IPPS). Do you know about the game of twister?…it is a physical game…here is a funny vintage clip of it, about 1 minute long. I have never played it or seen it played in real life. But, it is in my cultural memory. lol. https://youtu.be/8g2eEZu_0L4
Dirty dogs
In #24, you say the Narcissist ‘recalls’ the call and a hoover trigger happens. How does the Narcissist just recall something out of thin air (if he doesn’t just think about her)? Was he looking through his ‘phone and just happen to spot her name?
I have difficulty believing a Narcissist always needs a ‘reminder’. Surely he can have racing thoughts about someone out of the blue, with no gadgets or reminders in sight.
It is called an intrusive thought.
Thank you.
So, similar to that of the Empath. We have intrusive thoughts about you (admittedly due to the emotional fantasy, which is the false façade). I like the way you describe them though, as if they’re ‘unwanted’ and ‘bothersome’ (ha).
Thank you for this reply HG. It is a question that I have often wondered but never had a chance to ask until I saw someone else posted and wondered the same thing. I appreciate the explanation.
You are welcome.
HG in terms of a narc’s “intrusive thoughts”, do narcs have sexual intrusive thoughts about appliances? Or is that too intimate, ie. you don’t fantasize sexually about us?
Do narcs sometimes flip through sexual photos exchanged with appliances just for fun (ie thought fuel)? And would seeing photos be hoover trigger for each appliance viewed?
Thank you!
We have intrusive thoughts about appliances, that is how you always remain at risk of a hoover because you may just pop into our mind and thus there is a Hoover Trigger. The thought may be sexual in nature, yes.
There will be fantasising about an appliance as this would garner Thought Fuel and also is often linked to infatuation.
Yes, photos are Hoover Triggers.
Can’t I put someone on a shelf too! It’s not like we aren’t capable of recycling either.
A nail-biting account. Well done. As I read it, I kept recalling memories of Narc Ex in his bolthole. At the time, I didn’t realize what he was doing in there. Now I know.
By the way, “whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range” is a particularly nice touch.
I replied to this article in the past but yeah….add me to the list of how this describes my life. Right down to the texting replies and time between them. All of it (minus the rifle range, lol). All eerily on point. The shelf IPSS behaves exactly like me with the words she uses and texts she sends. It’s like you have a camera following me around like one of those reality shows.
This is essentially the way the last month of my ensnarement (I almost called it a relationship) went with Narcissist the Second.
Sick.
Good sick or bad sick, Kelly?
Bad.
HG, for me, this is something I need to print and read often. It makes me really look at and feel sick about what I’ve allowed into my life.
You have just described 6 years of my life add another 3 with hoovers.It’s so accurate
It’s crystal clear Hg I cannot be more grateful.I am no longer a fuel tank reading this makes me proud I’ve upheld no contact.
Thank you. you are like a great guardian angel helping to protect us even though you would not like to be seen that way I think.
Pleasure
Kiki
Good job on the no contact Kiki.