The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
24 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers”
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Dear HG: once the N catches on that no contact is implemented by us, based on your vast knowledge, is there a timeframe within which they cease the hoovers?
No. It’s governed by the HT and HEC.
Following HG advice I went NC during his first absent silent treatment. One week after we last saw eachother I texted him on whatsapp to say good bye and blocked him everywhere. Since we live in different cities and my NC has been consistent I have no idea whatever happened to him. Last week we met by accident at an exhibition where I was with a common acquaintance. I saw him entering the room, realised it is him, I let my eyes look through him like he didn’t exist and went on talking to the person on my right. He sneaked behind my back and went to the second room, far away from me. 5 minutes later I left with the common acquaintance for another event. He is still eficiently blocked.
I was surprised he sneaked like a coward and I don’t get it. Is it because the way I broke up with him?
And when I broke up with him, was that an escape if executed during that week when both of us stopped reaching for the other? We parted on good terms after a weekend spent at his place, his silence didn’t make sense but I reciprocated it and after HG repeatedly advised me to GOSO, I did it. It was a smart move and I am glad I did it, it helped me get some perspective.
Now I know it is not important, but I just want to know if in this case I left the relationship by winning. I know, it is not a game, but to me it is a matter of pride. I liked him and occasionally I still think about him. I don’t want the relationship back, I don’t miss him, I miss the way he made me feel because I didn’t find someone to replace him and I am a bit lonely.
I will probably also meet him.again in like situations due to our jobs and common people and place we both frequent. I want to live my life fully and place no restrictions in my activities after this failed relationship.
None.
But, part of me wants to unblock him for the sake of curiosity. I know its idiotic but I am quite interested as to what would happen because I get what he is. He has my apathy, finally. I’m like the cat on its ninth life. Like, why the hell not?
Resist, you’re not quite at apathy.
Ah, wise advice HG. For the record I did resist. Regardless of how I feel, he is still a danger. And doing so would be like sending a signal that would have disastrous results. Thank you!
H.G. Do all narcissists hoover?
Yes, unless they have a cleaner hired.
That made me laugh! I really have to get out more!🤦🏼♀️
I keep thinking I possibly have a Narcissist, but something does not match. I cannot quite see “my” person in any of what I have read and watched so far. Maybe I have another disorder to contend with, someone who has occasional Narcissism as a defense. But this is still helpful….because I am still making sense of time that I was with someone else who matches most of the material here to a T! I think I have Narcphobia, but I would like it to be a set of skills and strengths rather than suspicions and reactions.
“Narcphobia” I love this! My new favorite word!
Oh yes – 1,2,5,6,7,8.
With 6 and 8 making me laugh, because, just yes.
I’m getting a few benign follow-up hoovers lately, post escape (all of which have been ignored). Thank you for making the reasons behind the text/e-mail contents clear.
Just the first nine or so…
Hahaha.
I had a dog and his name was BINGO.
#AceVenturaPetDetective
I was both, the wish you well and the oil well. When I realised he was not content being casual on facebook and continued to try manipulate me into giving him now verbal and physical contact, I knew he thought he had this power over me.He thought it wasn’t strong enough via messenging me. He wanted more. I told him we couldn’t be friends at all I could see right through him, he hadn’t changed a bit. He tried repeatedly telling me to “grow up” and “were grown now” ….I became the oil well. Furious that he still thought so little of me that he was so sure he could keep out smarting me with the same tactics. He continues to stalk me to this day at least once a year. I no longer argue with him I’m strict no contact but he already know how it pisses me off that he continues to invade my privacy as if to say there’s nothing you can do about it. That is enough for him when he is feeling empty and sees me happy with life and forgetting all about him
“You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.”
Mr. Tudor,
I have often felt I have a habit of defining myself by others opinions of me. I am getting older now, and I do not do this excluding my narc. I continue to seek approval from the narc. When I read this part of your entry, it sounded so self absorbed on my part. obssessing with over how he defines me. I am not sure I know how to break that cycle? Any thoughts to assist me and someone like me in processing this issue. i know why i am like this and when it started, i just do not know how to fix it.
thank you.
Yes, I can assist and I advocate that you organise a consultation with me.
Hi M, some thoughts:
I think you touch on something that’s relatable for many – to be defined or to define someone. It’s everywhere. Schools, education, media, government. It’s isolating a perceived aspect of someones behaviour (accurate or not) – which I would call objectification.
For instance, you get an A+ on maths – that’s an objectification of your skills in that domaine (here it’s pretty clear, since it’ s a number). But to have someone say that you are brilliant is in it’s essence the same thing. It means that your behaviour is being measured – and it suggests the compliment-giver knows the scales and where to put you on that scale. Same for criticisms.
Narcissists have been ultra-objectified as kids : their behaviour was being judged and measured by their caregivers, there was no room for being/feeling who they really are. Their needs didn’t count.
As a consequence, this is how narcissists ‘attach’ : by objectifying. Be it positive (idealise) or negative (devalue). Positive = safe, feeling ‘good’. Negative = being in trouble. Your needs don’t count. Positive objectification doesn’t mean being seen, however.
The positive is especially addictive to us, since we have learnt to criticise ourselves (negatively) throughout our lives and it feels so good to have that countered. But since it is done by objectifying, in the end it will not fulfill our needs (for compassion, to be loved, to love, to be seen, to be helpful, …). This could be a possible motivation to stop wanting someones definition of who we are.
Not a practical help-strategy, but maybe some food for thought can help in a different way.
“Narcissists…[were]…judged and measured by their caregivers, there was no room for being/feeling who they really are. Their needs didn’t count.”
Shesaw,
Excellent insight (not meant as an objectification, but a personal point of view by way of compliment in recognition of the truth of your statement). This happens to empaths too by narcissistic and narcissist parents. So I think the difference would be the GPD. Children of a N are also often told what they think and feel instead of being invited to explore their feelings and being listened to and not dismissed. No wonder this leads to approval seeking, as the child you describe never received it from their caregiver. It affects self esteem too.
M, You deserve self-approval, love and acceptance at all times. You also deserve a healthy relationship where appreciation, validation and recognition are not withheld. I think one reason for your dynamic with your N is because a N forever keeps approval out of reach for purposes of control. I’m certain HG can help. You are worth everything. Best wishes for you.
Hi FYC, thank you and thank you for your personal compliment 🙂
Yes, that is true that empaths were treated the same way yet didn’t become narcissists. I suppose that has to do with their persona/character traits and/or possibly with the GPD – or perhaps the persona/character traits are the expression of the GPD?
Six months ago when I first went NC, I would have qualified for:
1. The Wish you Well
2. The Optimist
6. Nymph
8. Old Reliable
9. The Contender
Yikes! That’s 5/10!!
Now, I think only 6. The Nymph applies…..good thing I’m NC and he can’t send any scintillating messages to get me in trouble.
1 out of 5 ‘aint bad. Well done, after 6 months – that’s good going.
Why do I now crave Maltloaf.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
Well sincerely in my past state No and in the present, less possible.
And although I could have fallen into any of the 10 states in a hoover at the time. Thanks to absolute zero contact, this never happened.
Before, I didn’t know about the narcissistic theme. The past doesn’t matter. The future is not yet written. The present is what matters but in any case, I write it.
And of course I’m not going to spend my time, or effort on something that doesn’t make sense, or any journey, now not for him and his fuel, but for me. I think that every day that passes, I get more bored with my personal narcissistic subject.
The story is finished and closed correctly. I am about to throw the book to the bonfire.
Just at a glance I could pick 5 out of the ten that I was guilty of, for one narcissist or another I was involved with.