The Terrible Gaslighting Twenty
You are familiar with gas lighting where we twist reality over and over again in order to create doubt. You begin to question yourself, doubt your recollection and feel like you are losing your sanity.
It is an insidious tactic and one which we always use in order to destabilise you and maintain our control and the upper hand. We change history, re-write what has happened and we will do so even when faced with what you think is incontrovertible truth and evidence. Our confidence and certainty in the way we approach this, combined with the patronising appearance of caring about your tired and failing mind is especially bewildering. Our aim is to cause you to question your reality so you much more readily accept the false reality that we create and operate in.
The Greater Narcissist consciously does this. We know what we are doing, why we are doing it and want the outcome of fuel and control – it is a calculated response on our part. Our narcissism compels this behaviour and our increased awareness allows us to plan it and revel in its success as we witness its impact on you. We know it is regarded as wrong, but we do not care and we see it is as necessary and justified to achieve our aims.
The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists do not calculate. It is an instinctive response borne out of their altered perspective. Their narcissism compels this behaviour although they do not see that they are doing anything wrong – indeed, their narcissism causes them to see what they are doing as a natural response to the antagonistic behaviours of the victim. It is the victim who is the problem, who is twisting reality and being awkward. The Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist truly believes their response is correct, right and justified – it is the victim who is manipulating, going mad or is forgetful and misremembering.
Here are twenty of our favourite phrases which are used to gas light you and in some instances allied with other forms of manipulation.
“It never happened.”
(Denial)
“You are lying.”
(Projection/Blameshifting)
“You imagined it.”
(Denial/Blameshifting)
“You haven’t remembered it correctly.”
(Blameshifting)
“Yes, you did do it because I remember distinctly.”
(Blameshifting/Assertion of Superiority)
“Are you calling me a liar?”
(Insult)
“If I look for it you had better hope I don’t find it. Oh, what’s this? Just where I said it would be.”
(Threat/Triangulation)
“I never told you to do that, why would I ever say that?”
(Denial)
“Your dad wouldn’t do that to you.”
(Triangulation)
“You are suffering from delusions, I think we need a doctor for you.”
(Projection/Triangulation/Insult)
“You like to cause an argument out of nothing don’t you?”
(Projection)
“You twist my words, I did not mean it like that.”
(Blameshifting)
“You never told me that at all, I would have remembered.”
(Blameshifting/Assertion of Superiority)
“Nobody likes you, they’ve all told me this.”
(Insult/Triangulation)
“You need help, it is caused by your anger problem.”
(Insult/Blameshifting/Projection)
“Why are you inventing things again? You are such an attention seeker.”
(Projection)
“That never happened.”
(Denial)
“Dear me, you always make things up, you’ve done it ever since you were a child.”
(Projection/Triangulation)
“We are just friends, you are reading too much into it.”
(Triangulation)
“That couldn’t possibly have hurt you, why are you saying it did?”
(Invalidation)
3 thoughts on “The Terrible Gaslighting Twenty”
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My mother is the queen of gaslighting and rewriting history.
Before i knew what i was dealing with id write long emails to her explaining why i felt hurt or ask her why she keeps doing certain things. She would always deflect and say i was either imagining it or it didnt happen that way. She would invent things that supposedly happened that didnt and tell me my memories were not correct. I started to doubt myself and feel unsure. I never walked away feeling understood or like anything was resolved. I always felt confused and like something was wrong with me. That is the goal of gaslighting to dissintegrate your sense of judgement and to make you reliant on them.
Dearest HG: ~~~~~I was supposed to meet with the Narcissist one Monday this December. And, I even texted and reminded him that same Monday morning of the meeting. When I saw him later, an hour before the meeting we had scheduled, and I had worked all weekend to put together the project, he looked at me so friendly and said: Narc: I need to speak to you….. -Me: Oh no…don`t tell me…..(when he is extra friendly, it is never good) Narc: I have to go somewhere today, didn`t you get my message? -Me: No…. Narc: I texted you a message…. -Me: Oh my, I didn’t check, my cell. I apologize, I should have checked…..We can reschedule, just tell me when you get a chance. Narc: (he only smiles ) -Me: (I later check my phone, and his message was: we are still meeting, see you later). ~~~~~HG, Unbelievable. This is the second time I was gaslighted. and I was upset that I actually apologized, believing that he had sent a message canceling, or whatever. The first time he gaslighted me, was about a seminar he gives and promised to take me…I gave him a break, and did not push, because I figured there was a reason that he later did not mention to take me to where he invited me (because maybe a girlfriend or potential girlfriend or something was later invited, I thought, so I did not push, as a NIPSS). However, this second time was this past December when he gaslighted me on the meeting, HOWEVER, I was on Narcsite when this 2nd time happened, so that when he looked at me the next day, and waited for me to show him that he did not text me that our meeting was canceled, and show him the proof on my phone, that he essentially had texted: see you when we meet, I did not say a word! Ever. He looked at me strangely. As if he were waiting for me to call him out on the gaslighting. I did not. And he has looked at me in a puzzling manner, ever since I have been on Narcsite. He can not really figure out what is going on with me. He does not know why, or, if I am truly malfunctioning and exactly how, if I am. To him, I am now like an appliance that is fixed one day and is broken the next. And then fixed and then broken and out sick here and there with a changing schedule that is moving away from him since December, now down to a few hours a week only. He has looked puzzled about me ever since I have been on Narcsite, this past December, until now! Good! Because I am doing the impossible: Dis-engaging very stealthily in plain site, with the Narc and his 4 Lieutenants, not really understanding how and if, I am doing it. Like how a magician dis-appears an object piece by piece on stage in front of a live audience, and the audience can not figure out what is happening, with all the odd movements and they can not figure out how it will end. And then, Poof! The object is finally completely gone, and they can not figure out how it was dis-appeared right before their faces. Good!
I’ve been thinking about the gaslighting alot lately. I’ve been nc for 5 months and I’ve known he was a narcissist for a few years. I’m aware of what he is and the twisted logic. I’m aware of the cruelty he’s capable of, the inability to have empathy. I’m aware he can not love me and I’m aware he will never change. With all of this awareness, I still can’t write a sentence that explains what I thought our relationship was over the last 7 years. I lived in this world of gaslighting and toxic logic for so long that the uniqueness of the situation became “our normal”. It was so messed up that I can’t put logical thought to it. I think of his last email Hoover and he used real logic against me. Not the twisted stuff, the logic that makes me look like a fool to anyone outside looking in. I sit here and make myself crazy trying to put my thoughts in order because what I thought was “our normal” doesn’t exists and what does exist is me feeling pathetic. I hate him because he can change his thinking and move on while I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck happened.
Gaslighting sucks!