Trying Behaviour

 

TRYINGBEHAVIOUR

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

Advertisements

13 Comments

      1. You’re very convincing. I wish I’d taken a class in Narcissism in university. As I’m spending time reading your material, I’m realising that I’ve actually had several relationships, both intimate and not, with narcissists.

  1. your Grace attracts them
    Grace sustains you in the ensnarl
    but you also leave with your Grace
    they can’t take that
    they hate that,lol
    GOSO grace on…

  2. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    Yes, it is true that we empathics fight tooth and nail to maintain this golden period. (Fictitious). I always wondered, and I felt like the person struggling to keep this relationship afloat was just me. Now I understand very well, because the reason he never fought for it, in the first place this was illusory, a mere fiction. Who in his right mind would fight for something that is not real. Now at present, understanding this very important point. You really see that everything has an overwhelming logic. Because if it had been a game to me, I wouldn’t bother to fight for anything at all. This article can also be seen as a big red flag. When you see that in the sentimental relationship, only one of the parties is involved. It’s time to just take it and get out of the relationship. When you see that you fight and fight and there is no correspondence for the other party or minimal correspondence. I think this kind of behavior is sirens and red lights, horn, red flags that must be taken into account.

    1. Because the narcissist is going to fight to keep the golden period. And spend more energy. The golden period should always end when the narcissist sees and understands that his victim is totally embedded.
      I suppose the Gold Period depends on your type of empathic character, or your level or ease of falling in love. It can last for months or years. But it will inevitably end when you verbalize or the narcissist feels and understands that you are totally in love and can control her as your puppet.
      It is at this moment when the narcissist will stop applying any mole of energy to maintain this Golden Age and begin the devaluation. I suppose that also the narcissist gets tired of the positive fuel because this fuel although easy is produced at a great cost of energy and effort. The narcissist prefers and for him it is more fun to get the negative fuel. Not simply because of the control he exercises but also because he doesn’t have to focus only on you. Now you are free to get much more fuel from many sources. And watching you suffer gives him a great deal of fuel and raises his ego. Then he got
      blind you.

  3. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    I wanted to ask you: do narcissists dissociate their behaviour?
    Narcissists always think that the bad guys are the others. When he does something like an infidelity they project or have a justification of the sleeve. But I wonder if inside of them they disassociate themselves from the fact or event they have done at some point. And for this reason they do not recognize that they committed these acts?

    1. The narcissism blinds them to any notion of fault, culpability or accountability either by causing the narcissist to fail to see that something deemed wrong has been committed or if it is noticed, that it is always the fault of something or someone else.

  4. Noted.
    Fascinating, infuriating, seductive, dangerous, passionate, alas despondent…finally accepted.

  5. An aware super empath. Knowledge that produces what I have termed, a “sustained supernova!” One of my favorite speeches. Why I’m a gardener and writer instead of an engineer. I took my mind from their narcissistic grasp. My nuclear engineer husband will do so soon!😎

  6. Yes, this is exactly true, word for word. I left a 20 year marriage easier than this 1.5 year “relationship”.

    1. I so relate to this. I left a 7 year partnership and remained friends with my ex- it was hard but we did it. I was with my Narc for a year and it was like doing surgery on myself when I left.

  7. I complain about every little thing he does that bothers me, to the point where someone else would say, eff this. Lol But he just doesn’t care. Wth? He has damn staying power, too!

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.