The Prime Aims

THE PRIME AIMS

I have three Prime Aims.

All of our kind has three Prime Aims.

Our dark and menacing behaviours (even when dressed up as the illusory golden period) are focused on the attainment of these three Prime Aims. They are all that matter. Everything else is dust. We are driven to secure these Prime Aims. They are hard-wired into us, they are sub-conscious requirements in most of our kind and amongst the Greater of our brethren we are aware of the necessity of attaining these three things to ensure that not only do we survive but we also thrive. Everything we do, say and concern ourselves with revolves around achieving these three aims. Nothing else matters.

Do we love you? No. We do not know what that truly is but we will use love or secure our Prime Aims. We will desecrate it through our twisted facsimile of what we understand love to be and use it secure our aims.

Do we want to do good for the disadvantaged around us? No. Yet, if such behaviour will ultimately benefit us through the establishment of a facade which can then be used to further our quest for these Prime Aims then we will become a trustee of that charity or organise a fund raiser for the Orphanage For Unwanted Monobrowed Children.

Do we want to be friends with you because we find your collection of unopened Star Wars figures fascinating. No. We do so because knowing someone with the best collection on the East Coast means that it works in favour of us in terms of attaining the Prime Aims.

Nothing we do is about you. It is all about securing our aims. Admittedly, there will be occasions where we are in alignment and our march with our dark troops by our side to the attainment of the Prime Aims means that you and others benefit. That is pure serendipity and we do not care whether the outcome is good or bad for you, so long as we achieve what we need.

The sooner you grasp and understand that we are focused on securing these Prime Aims and nothing else matters to us, the faster you will be able to formulate your own way to avoid being caught up in their attainment. The Prime Aims and their attainment is the only goal we are interested in and everything else is swept up in the need to achieve them. Children. Job. Home. Wife. Father. Daughter. Friend. Interests. Socialising. Conversations. Money. Status. Manipulation. Connections. Infidelity. Misery. Cruelty. Seduction. Possessions. These and so much more are mere conduits, enablers, bridges to the securing of the Prime Aims.

Never underestimate or fail to recognise the single-mindedness by which our machine like efficiency closes on this goal. You are there to ensure we achieve it. Our faceless Lieutenants and lurking Coterie are there to ensure we achieve it. The secondary and tertiary sources, the facade, the crows, the butterflies, the seduction, the devaluation and the disengagement. The hoovers, oft and repeated or seemingly absent, yet appearing years later are all part of the inextricably linked matrix to achieve the Prime Aims.

So, what are they?

Those of you who have read much of my work will already know what they are, but it is necessary to identify and underline them.

  1. Fuel

The chief Prime Aim. The most important one and the overriding objective of our engagements with everybody that we come into contact with. Fuel is the emotional response provided by you and everybody else, caused by us. It may be indirect, for instance someone smiling at us as we walk by, it may be direct because we have provoked you into crying by calling you names.

Fuel is both positive and negative. It flows from all appliances. It varies in potency dependent on the Fuel Index (see the book Fuel for an expansive explanation of this central factor of what drives our kind) and in terms of its quantity and frequency. Fuel powers us. It quells the anguish and the anxiety, it settles us, it edifies us, it makes us powerful and it causes us to feel impregnable, omnipotent and god-like.

It is our drug. We want it and we need it and it must be provided each and every day and we take it from those that we have established in our fuel network. From lover to lollipop lady, everybody and I mean everybody we interactive with is a fuel appliance. The words you use, the tone attached to them, the inflection in your voice, the gestures you make, the things you do, the expression on your face, the sounds you make – all of these provide us with fuel and it has to be caused by us.

If you are crying over the death of your mother, that is not fuel for us. It is fuel for your mother (albeit she didn’t need it when alive and certainly has no use for it now she is cold in the ground). Those tears are wasted and this infuriates us. Thus we will say something hurtful about your pathetic weeping so that you then cry because of what we have said. Your emotional response then is down to us and we gain fuel.

Fuel is the single most important thing to us. No fuel and we weaken and ultimately enter a Fuel Crisis.

2. Character Traits

We have built a construct. This construct is like a frame and through the gathering of fuel we are able to then power its maintenance and further development. This construct imprisons The Creature. This construct allows us to show the world what we want to see and thus gain more fuel and the cycle repeats.

Everyone we interact with has the potential to furnish us with character traits which we lift and apply to the construct to make it better, stronger, more attractive and more secure. Each piece of fuel is the paste which enables us to place the shards, segments, patches, pieces and elements of character traits onto the construct and keep them there.

If you wish to understand this in greater detail, read my book Fury.

Your interest in insects, a friend’s sporting achievements, a child’s academic prowess, information from a tertiary source about the best restaurant in Barcelona’s gothic quarter, the humorous anecdotes told by a speaker at an awards dinner, the tales told by a grandparent, the intelligence gathered by a colleague and so on, all of those things become character traits which we will take for ourselves and pass off as our own. We want them and need them from those we interact with. Some have nothing to provide and thus they are less important appliances, but others have many and thus your coruscating, dazzling traits when you are a primary source to us become fundamental as part of the Prime Aims.

3. Residual Benefits

Are you well-off? Have a good house? A car? Access to a particular club? Tickets for sought after games? A famous friend? Excellent carer? Brilliant cook? Social magnet? DIY capable? Good income? Respected community member?

We are entitled and we do not recognise boundaries. Your resources are our resources and the more of those that exist and in different forms, the greater the advantage you possess because of these residual benefits.

These vary dependent on the nature of the narcissist who has ensnared you. We may be financially superior and have a large house, but you are well-thought of by people and have an extensive social circle, political connections and the like, thus we want them.

We may have a physical health problem and therefore the fact that you are a nurse practitioner and exceptionally caring results in those residual benefits becoming the foremost ones.

We may have no job and a rampant cocaine habit, so your well-appointed residence and burgeoning bank account are appealing residual benefits to us.

The list of residual benefits is not exhaustive and they will vary from narcissist to narcissist, but they form a further essential part of this triumvirate.

Thus fuel, character traits and residual benefits are the Prime Aims. All appliances are expected to fulfil their obligation to provide us with each element of the Prime Aims, although it is naturally of greater importance concerning the primary source having such applicability.

Always keep in your mind the relevance of these Prime Aims because this will aid your understanding why certain things are said and done by our kind.

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35 thoughts on “The Prime Aims”

  1. Yes, thank you K. That was the context I remembered (vaguely 🙂).

    It also says (just posting here for future reference, in case anybody interested):
    “In general terms, women remember events better than men”
    “Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men”

    foolme1time,
    Suffice to say I am not a native speaker, while I think you are. I just made the most probable assumption 🙂
    I am far anyway, here we’re all just virtual characters, and that’s as close (and far) as we can get.

    1. Abe,
      I did want to mention in one of your previous comments on another post, I read where you had ask HG if laughing was something that was ever done, not your exact words of course. I wish that was something I could do! Part of me wants to hate him, part just wants to be able to erase him from my memory, and of course then there is that part that knows I will never love another as I did him. Laughing however has never been an option. Take care my friend. 🙃

      1. Hahaha, foolme1time, bear with me, this might be a long one…
        I never structured these ideas until now, and actually I do not think I need to. So it’s a mess 🙂.

        This is definitely an empathic trait I have – being able to see the good part in a bad situation, and have a laugh about it.

        You can approach this “philosophically”, if you want. There’s at least one thing I agree with HG completely – when we die, that’s it. Finished. Done. Dead. I don’t care about “legacy” (like he does), so I don’t even have this on my shoulders. Viewed like this, life becomes almost insignificant, meaningless. However, we all know or feel that it’s not quite so. It’s a contradiction, so it’s hilarious (humor is also about contradictions, absurdity, meaninglessness). This is like the big frame of it, and can be applied anywhere.

        Let’s think about the narcissist-empath relationship. Yes, there is abuse, and pain, and hurt, depression and so on. I’m not denying that. But take a look at it from the outside – the empath is running around in circles, confused, tries to please the narcissist, but nothing works, because he/she does not understand. The narcissist, on the other hand, tries to assume control of something he/she will never be capable of fully controlling. Might be able to control something, for a while, but not everything on long term. He’s manipulating, plotting, seducing, and so on, but to no avail. Never satisfied, either. This is like absurd comedy. It’s quite funny when viewed like that. This is one of the ways I viewed my relationship after I started understanding. It helped, of course, that I did not sustain much damage, being just a short-term IPSS.

        HG’s reply was – “certain elements of it do appear entirely laughable from your perspective”. What I understood from here is that he’s not capable of seeing his own behavior as “funny”. It’s probably so “necessary”, that it’s never “funny”.

        Another example – a narcissistic mother breaks down and destroys her child’s soul. He/she is now a narcissist. This is utterly sad, abusing children is probably worst thing to do. However, after many years, the child is now an adult narcissist, despises the mother, tries to destroy her and maybe even succeeds at some point. How ironic is that? It’s a sad laugh, but it is, nevertheless, a laugh.

        She never understood that, and it made me sad at the time that she could not understand this. She probably considered me quite stupid for thinking like this. No matter how much I explained, she did not get it.
        I think it’s a red flag. If somebody, otherwise an intelligent, positive, confident and humorous person, does not understand that there’s beauty in any dark situation, that you can laugh about anything (including and especially, oneself), then you should maybe make a mental note with a question mark attached.

        On the other hand, maybe this actually shows my lack of empathy? Laughing like this has indeed generated puzzled reactions sometimes… Not anybody tastes or gets certain aspects of it, all the time… 🙂

  2. Couple of Questions regarding this one:

    1) Do you ever find it exhausting (in the physical sense) to have to rely so much on others to provide the right amount of Fuel? Especially since I’m sure none of us can measure up?! haha
    I ask because as an Empath, I often feel emotionally and physically exhausted taking on other peoples feelings and problems as my own. Also I find ruminating exhausting.

    2) From my perspective, I find it almost… comical… watching your kind who are not in a high place in society trying to exude their perceived “greatness” on to others. For example, I used to watch a co worker give people with far more life experience, financial success and education “advice”… and they always politely smiled, but I do not think my co worker had any idea how inferior they were compared to the people they were speaking too.
    Do you find yourself embarrassed (or judgmental) about some of your kind occasionally?

    1. 1. By “you” do you mean me or narcissists in general?
      2. I understand your view. I am not embarrassed, I am contemptuous of them.

      1. I meant yourself.

        Wow, that is interesting you feel contempt. I was not at all expecting that as an answer. Is that only with the lessers you feel that way?

        I always assume like attracts like, and I found my ex would really defend his kind quite vehemently. Because when I would be suspicious of, or insult thier behaviour… I felt like he was taking it as I was directly insulting him. (When at the time that wasn’t my intention, I had no clue what he was or them in the intellectual sense) I just knew I didn’t like the behaviours.

        1. I am contemptuous of Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists, however if there was value in defending one to suit my purposes, of course I would do so. After all, everything is always in play, in order to further my needs.

      2. Me too, me too. They crack me up. (Inwardly) I hear you say, “rudimentary assholes” and it is even funnier. It’s like a 5th grade science project predicting how soon they will act up when told no at my place of work.

  3. Yup, this article helps me to understand that without knowing what Narcissism was (exactly) why I spent so
    Much of my time gobsmacked 😶 & why I lived in utter bewilderment as to how a person could be so oblivious as to why their life was in shambles, and not have an understanding that they are directly attributable to that shambles.

    1. Kristina MacLean
      Your comment demonstrates the different perspectives very well.

      Empath perspective: confusion, utter disbelief, insight, awareness, you are kept in situ ruminating and cognitive dissonance because you are being gas lighted.

      Narcissistic perspective: sense of entitlement (I can do as I please; the rules don’t apply to me) which is linked to lack of accountability, lack of insight and awareness, and rejection of blame (my life is a mess because of you, him, the dog, the weather, etc.) and acquisition of fuel.

  4. HG although I have read this and your books and I know what the prime aims are, I still have trouble figuring out in myself what prime aims I have or had to attract so many narcissists in my life time? In some that are on here commenting I can pick them out just by there writing and the things they say about themselves and the way they say it. Myself however I cannot figure this one out?

    1. A theory…

      Your personal prime aims must overlap those traits that attract the narcissist. That’s what they want from you, hence that is what they will stimulate inside you, and you respond so well to their stimulus because this is what you wish for, consciously or not – you want to show those traits, being kind, helpful, love devotee and so on. I think there is no better receiver (although for the wrong reasons) for those traits than a narcissist.

      Hence, read Sitting Target and choose that which applies…

      For example, I know about your compassionate heart, I felt it (and I’m not good at reading people, and also don’t consider myself a big empath) and I can imagine you are, no doubt, delicious fuel provider for that. And I guess it also makes you feel good about yourself to show it and to make a difference for the receiver.

      1. Thank you Abe for taking the time to write this comment. This is crazy, I have tried three times now to respond to your comment and all I seem able to do is cry! You have touched my heart with your kind words, and have left me momentarily speechless. I think I need to get my emotions under control and I will try responding again later on.

      2. Well Abe, let’s try this again! Lol. I know it is my emotions that attract narcissists to me now. However I have had narcissists in my life since I was a child and I guess it’s from that perspective that I was searching for an answer? As for you not being a big empath I believe that to be a false statement. You felt my compassion for you in what I wrote from my heart, only an empath can do that! As far as a narcissist stimulating the emotions inside of me, I do not need a narcissist to make that happen, they gush from me naturally most of the time! Dear Abe the longer you are on here the more you will see that my emotions are what I write with. I do not check anything, I just start writing what I feel and at times depending on the person, I’m writing through a waterfall of tears! I have been working so hard on controlling these emotions of mine and for the most part it has been working, today however ( with your comment) they have burst once again from inside of me. Apparently being kind is a strong attribute of mine because people tell me that all of the time, there are times however I wish I were not so kind. Helping people comes naturally to me, especially people on this blog, I can feel their hurt and pain and I know what being with a narcissist can do to someone, it is devastating! Those traits you were talking about is something that also flows from me naturally and I am sure that is the reason for all of my narc encounters! I am so glad you found the courage to comment on this blog, we do not have to many men on here that comment and I am sure there are many who would benefit from it. Thank you so very much for your kind words! I hope you have a wonderful weekend! 😘

      3. Abe,

        One of the reasons your comment yesterday touched me so deeply was because I could feel the struggle going on inside of you. You reached out to help me when you yourself are struggling to understand all of this. When you write as you did yesterday I can feel your sadness and hurt. I can sense the lack of confidence you have in yourself now, which I can only think came from the hurt this woman has caused you? Instead of you thinking of all that she has, and how this has not affected her, I believe you should think of the things that you want for yourself and start achieving them. She has taken enough from you, please do not give her anymore! I honestly feel if you have not done so yet, you should set up an audio consult with HG, he will give you back that confidence that she stole from you, he will give you back your life. Take care. 😘

        1. Dear foolme1time,

          Yes, you need to stop worrying so much about others 🙂.

          I am not innocent, I am dirty empath, and maybe not even that, because, as I said, I don’t think I’m a big empath, somewhat similar to what Nadège describes below (Actually, I had a long internal debate if I am a narcissist or not. I’ve decided I’m not.) I was very lucky to have my family on my side, and while I am not ashamed of what I did, and I don’t feel much guilt either, I am very grateful to them!

          Yes, she is not out of my mind completely, but I made big steps since the beginning of this realization process which started a few months ago for me.

          Being a man has advantages, I think, in this type of dynamic. There’s a way men are supposed to behave throughout their lives, and grieving over broken hearts is not what’s expected. So we grow a bit tougher because of this. There’s also something which HG mentioned a while ago, I think in one of his comments – men forget much easier the good parts of a relationship. It is true. As time passes, maintaining a strict no contact (which includes no longer seeing pictures, re-reading correspondence and so on), I notice it’s becoming hard for me to remember what it felt like to be with her. Even sex, which I know was really good – I can’t remember much of it, just certain moments, and even these moments start getting more and more devoid of emotion. Maybe I just buried them deeply, maybe I am really forgetting… don’t know. But it works.

          I did no write all this to brag. Just so you understand a bit more about me. Maybe also about men in general 🙂…

          Back to your situation. I thought a lot about what I should write back to you… and as much as I would like to present you with a solution… I have none. It is up to you, dear foolme1time, and you already know it. Knowing is a big step. I can only say I feel warm inside towards you. I can only offer my sympathy, and an encouraging smile. Smile yourself too, foolme1time!… Somebody really far away from you smiles back 🙂

          1. Abe,
            From one dirty empath to another, good morning. I’m happy you have decided that you are not a narcissist. Actually just saying that you thought you might be is why you are not, that plus the fact you do feel hurt,pain, and sympathy. Please don’t feel sympathy for me, that is something I don’t want anyone to do, as much as I would like to blame all of this on others and my childhood abuse, I simply cannot. I am as much to blame as the narcissists in my life are, perhaps not when I was a baby or small child but as an adult I had choices, I just always made the wrong choices! There are times when I write on here not necessarily for others to comment ( although, I love when they do) but simply to be able to get out the thoughts and questions that are continuously running through my mind. As far as burying things, some of the things I mention on this blog I have never spoken of before, there are some I will never mention, and then there are some that I have buried so deeply that I don’t even remember them anymore. I thank you for thinking of me and also a solution, but yes I do know I am the only one that can stop this vicious circle that I fall into time and time again. I find myself in the last few weeks being able to finally control some of the many emotions that I have, except when a certain sweet man ( I won’t mention any names Abe!) brings them to the surface! 😉I also find myself forgetting about, or and not having feelings any longer for the last narcissist I was involved with. I do believe that was one of the craziest and most intense relationships, (as far as my perception of it, in my mind) I’ve ever had! Honestly now, I don’t even think of it as relationship, I have no clue what it was.

            As far as worrying about others, that is something I will always continue to do for people that have touched my heart. That is part of who I am. But I will, just for you,😝 try to bring it down a notch, and also not worry about people who really do not deserve it! I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Here’s a smile to someone that has definitely put a smile on my face and also in my heart. 😊😘🙃

    2. foolme1time
      Fuel. You have enthusiasm, positivity, compassion, tenacity, hope, kindness, love, moxie (I read your response to MM3 on The Weapon That is Infidelity) and bucket loads of empathy. All those traits have residual benefits and will also be hijacked for the maintenance of the construct. If I were a narcissist, I would glom (attach) you onto me in a heartbeat.

      Some of my narcissists are like a glass of flat Coke; you are like a glass extra extra carbonated Coke. Full of bubbles (fuel)!

      1. K,
        You always make laugh! Lol. I love the glass of flat coke, you sure did get it right with that one. When I wrote that comment I was thinking more about when I was child, what kept drawing all of the narcissists to me when I was a child? Sometimes K even knowing all that HG has taught us, I still find myself full of questions. Talk about a glass with extra extra bubbles, you are right there with me Sister! 😘😘🙃

        1. foolme1time
          Ha ha ha…excellent! Laughter is good for mental health and we need more of it in our lives. They were drawn to you for the same reasons when you were a child, fuel. They instinctively knew that you could provide what they needed; an emotional reaction.

          Empathic people are naturally curious and they like to ask questions (Truth Seeker trait) so they can understand themselves or others better and you will find all your answers here.

          Oh, hell yeah! We are definitely full of extra extra bubbles (fuel).

        2. Dear foolme1time and dear K,
          Yooooo hooooo…. did I just hear you two magnificent beauties mention my name? 🤣
          Foolme1time….. don’t ever change ….be your gorgeous self, you are perfect just the way you are (narcs luv us because we “offer” the best platters “without” even being asked)
          Your beautiful personality shines thru your writing and I know you possess all those exceptional qualities our lovely K has so deservedly mentioned
          We just need to be “more selective” to whom we “offer” our plattersI
          I hate coke, so, the more bubbles the merrier, I always say ….so cheers…. let’s all drink to that …..nothing but the best of course 😆
          🥂🍾🥂
          Luv yas … Bubbles xx 😘

    3. Hi Foolme1time, I don’t know if HG Tudor has written about this subejct, but from my personal perspective it’s not necessary to have an empathic personality to attract narcissists. Of course, I sure have some empathic traits (curiosity, open mindedness, optimism etc.) but I am not someone who is empathic per se. So, what made me get involved – and for a very long time – with a narcissist?

      I think I am attracted to the drama. I also think I prefer fantasy over reality. I like reality, but I know I am an escapist – I like to live in my imagination, so to speak. And a narcissist has the capacity to create an imaginary reality, if that makes sense. Nothing is real. But then again, it all happens in reality. How is that possible?! The narcissistic reality is extremely fascinating to someone like me, who prefers fiction over real life, and who wants to believe in this strange, self-created reality, with all the crazy twists, the downfalls and the highlights.

      Everyone who has been involved with a narcissist must have known, at some point, that the craziness and the absurdism were taking over. Still, the victim doesn’t want to act on this knowledge (even if it’s a subconscious knowledge). Why not? Because it’s a thrill to experience the narcissistic reality: never a dull moment!

      Also, the narcissist transformed me in a fictive character: I was perfect, beautiful, intelligent, superhuman, the best version of myself. Who doesn’t like that? Of course, I know very well who I am. It was a wonderful lie. It was a lie that made me feel powerful, almost omnipotent – the narcissistic mirror was turned on me, and I couldn’t resist.

      Real life is boring, compared to the twisted and overwhelming reality the narcissist creates. Some people – empaths and non-empaths – like to believe the lies, even when they know they are being fooled.

      1. Nadege,
        Thank you for sharing your perspective on this subject with me. Oddly enough I have been thinking along these same lines recently. Although I do still believe it is an empath that they seek out to ensnare, I also think it was my mind that once it was fed with the words they are so famous for using, continued to enforce that feeding. Although I can see when I was younger being caught up in feeling intelligent, beautiful, special, seeing the pride in there face as I stood next to them fed my echo and caused me to feel away I was not use to feeling, creating a fantasy world that was so much better then the reality I was actually living. It wasn’t until the greater that I was caught up with who actually gave me ( I thought ) the one thing I had been searching for my whole life and that was understanding. I thought he truly understood me and that I truly understood him. He was the one in my mind I could imagine as that childhood friend that I shared everything with and he did the same with me. The adventures we would go on to together, the knowledge that no matter how bad it got, we would always have each other that understood. I would share these fantasies with him, trusting him like I did know other! With the others I only let them in to my heart, this man however was my heart! In moments of passion as I heard his voice I would begin to speak and finish the sentence that he had started. The bond that I thought I had with him was unbreakable! To realize now that it was all lies, to know that I was only being used to serve a purpose and once that purpose was finished I was discarded like trash, has caused me a hurt that I have never felt in a lifetime. To think I subconsciously knew all of this was lies, that it was my emotional thinking causing me to believe that it was real wasn’t something I was able to do until just recently. That is why it is so important for me to control my emotional thinking, I can never let this happen to me again, I do not ever want to feel that love and that bond in my life ever again! Thank you again Nadege for sharing your thoughts with me. 🌻

    4. Foolme1time: Do not be too hard on yourself. I am going through the shocking transition of realizing that so many narcissists are around. In fact, every friend I have had in my life is a somatic narcissist, I now have realized and I am in a bit of a shock with this realization. Why is that? I do not know. I believe it says something about my latent character. I am creative and artistic, but not somatic. I think the full development of the somatic pathos was possibly broken, growing up the way I did, with a morally strict family, that kept and eye on materialism and idolatry, etc. and maybe now I secretly enjoy how selfish the somatics are, while most people do not like them that much. lol. However, I will address this. No more somatic friends for me. Narcissists are everywhere and if not pathological narcissists, people with high traits and other disorders. Of course you will meet them. And they can sniff out those with empathy. Their ultimate survival depends upon it, just like a person that is around smoke will run towards the clean and clear air. You are Oxygen, Foolme1time. Nothing to ponder: Round 1, just be careful, and go slowly with new people. Deprive them of your Oxygen, in the beginning. If they gasp and run, you win. If they can manage to still stay around, then you can go to Round 2, and see if something good for you is within them. Round 3, be careful with people that are in your daily proximity. They can sneak up on you. That is what happened to me—a co-worker. Proximity. Sigh. It is as simple as that. I am just recently realizing all this. Maybe this problem is larger in certain societies than others and certain countries. I live in the United States of America. Maybe this is the home of this disorder, ground zero, and other countries that follow this country`s culture will have the same problem. It is big in Japan now, as well. Japan wants to be like America quite badly, and so do their citizens. You have somatic women in the intensive care unit near death in Japan, because they were saving their money for a certain designer handbag, etc. instead of using the money to buy food.

Vent Your Spleen!

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