Regrets
Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.
“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.
“No,” I answered promptly.
“I see. What do you understand by regret?”
“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”
“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.
“I haven’t.”
“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”
“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.
“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.
“Why do you think that is?”
“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”
I nodded.
“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”
“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”
“Why is that?”
“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”
If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.
“The latter.”
“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”
“How about some examples?”
“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”
“No, that is sufficient.”
“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time. They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance? It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down. It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”
30 thoughts on “Regrets”
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We could define regret as the sense of breaking your own rules. But there is an issue here: the internal rules of a narc are not the same of an empath. Both of them have rules, but a different set in each case. Narcs are not random people. Random means only the logic you don’t know.
As I have seen many times, the conflict usually arise when somebody try to apply the rules of one kind to the other kind. Then, the result (and also the origin) is misunderstanding and confusion everywhere, because such rules don’t use to mix quite well. Yes, I have also made such a stupid thing when I was young.
Obviously, there’s not possible regret based on the rules of the other kind…
Regret. That’s putting the cart before the horse. To feel regret or remorse one must admit and/or feel as if they have made a mistake. It also takes caring and empathy for others to feel badly about how our actions impact those around us.
The only hope you ever have at feeling regret, would be to possess a stronger sense of empathy for another. For this to happen you would have to stay committed to therapy, allow the therapeutic relationship to continue to grow, allow space for some measure of genuine trust with Dr. E , and hope that said Dr. can help repair unmet needs and attachment issues from early development. Once this happens, you would likely be able to see others’ POV, and then begin to experience the infancy of empathy. Of course, every choice along your journey is always up to you.
You deserve health & happiness HG
Thank you BG13.
Oh boy
This reminds me of my mother. When we went to counselling 2 sessions try as the psychologist might she would not admit to any sort of regret. I now know why in a nutshell “compartmentalization”. I really believe what npd is is an extreme form of compartmentalization. The lack of empathy, self reflection, blame shifting all compartmentalizing the truth about oneself. Its too scary and painful to face so its put far far away. Its easier to blame than face.
Sources are an extension of that in keeping the compartments locked up. They keep them sealed but thats not their job so they fail every time.
We are all responsible for our own reality we are all responsible for the way we feel. When you hit a person you chose to do it, when you smash a tv you chose to do it, when you call someone ugly names you chose to do it. Nobody holds a gun to your head and forces you to do those things. We decide what we say and do.
It is weak to make someone other than yourself responsible to make us feel good, to make us feel worthy, to make us feel loved.
It is an Empath weakness to believe they can make someone other than themselves feel worthwhile. However, it is the Narcissist who is the weakest of them all, how pathetic to rely on someone else to make them feel wonderful, worthwhile and loved.
Poor little narcissist needing me to feel powerful but you see I hold all the power and you, you are beneath me.
But if there is no you, as you have written previously, then who is being let down so much by everyone that makes you have to become mean and nasty?
The false self is unable to cope with the ‘world’. It always feels that it has no control. Narcissism arose in order to exert control and does so largely instinctively (with calculation for the very rare Greater) so that the false self does not have to feel vulnerable, lacking control and exposed. The narcissism will exert this control in the most effective way required – sometimes through benign methods and sometimes through malign methods. It is the true self that is being let down, so the narcissism steps in (as the false self) to exert control and sometimes does so through punishing.
I am not sure I understand your explanation above regarding the true self being the one let down.
Is it related to the original wound that caused the feeling of lacking control? I assume this because you say
“She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? “
Would you mind explaining more about the true self being the one let down, HG?
The true self cannot cope with a lack of control. Therefore it regards any lack of control as being let down (in some form) by the relevant appliance. The narcissism as a self-defence mechanism ‘steps in’ to exert control and do so though through a variety of methods and often will justify the assertion of control as punishment because the appliance has let the narcissist down.
Thanks for your explanation, HG. You wrote in your first explanation to Caron that it is the false self who is unable to cope with the world and always feels it has no control. I was confused when I read that because, in my mind, the false self was the one that was created in order to deal with these problems and help the “true” self to cope with the world and exert control. But you seem to confirm my view in your second reply, namely that it is the true self the “vulnerable” one (let down) and the false self the one taking back control through narcissistic behaviour.
Thanks again.
Yes, the second reply is accurate. My first response ought to have been clearer. A minion must have tampered with my keyboard on that day, I shall pour treacle over one of them and make him stand near the wasp’s nest at the bottom of the garden near Mirkwood as punishment.
LOL.
I suppose that shooting one minion in front of the others would teach them the lesson too, but it would be too easy and not as much fun for you as treacle and wasps.
Fucking A!
And thanks for the example of how the false self works to take back control.
You are welcome Lou.
Was it annoying to spend time with whatever “specialists” you engaged/engage with since they are inferior in their understanding of human behavior? Or did it amuse you?
Sometimes I found it annoying, often I found it entertaining and informative.
How could it be informative? To be honest. Truly. Only one psychiatrist I worked with (and there were tons) was interesting enough for me to pick his brain. You would delight in chatting with him and he to chat with you. The rest—some of my friends that practice psychiatry are about as helpful as tits on a boar. Now I’m not saying they weren’t “good” but I’m saying brilliant was just not happening.
This is one of my biggest battles as a Super Empath. My mind is constantly calculating my next move, and I mostly FEAR the regret, not so much the regret itself. Am I fighting the right battles? Am I wrong to move forward the way I am?
This is one aspect of a narcissist that I am envious of
This is a common issue ANM and is of course caused by the impact of your emotional thinking.
Totally get you Amn. Totally. It’s been going through my mind a lot recently how much I’m second guessing myself, worried what’s the next tactic to take. My next move.
Dr E knows better… that nothing is ever your fault of course not in that case hg no woman will be good enough let the carnage continue ..I guess
HG, do you think it is only Greaters who have no regret? Or is it characteristic of all narcissists? Once my ex cried to me about something very vindictive he did to an ex. The words “I feel bad about what I did to her,” came out of his mouth as he cried. Is that not regret? Or was it fake?
All narcissists have no regret. Mid Rangers exhibit fake regret – it is part of their pathetic façade and another form of manipulation.
Well, that explains why Lessers get “No Ragrets” tattooed onto to the collar bone area.
Dearest HG: I perceive you have great disdain for the mid rangers, most of all. Hahaha. Please do not sulk over my comment. I know, I know…….You never sulk. 🙂
Why such disdain for the mid rangers? After all they are “your” kind.
No they are not.
Ha! Ha!
They are not indeed!
For the love of all that is holy, how can entire school be defined by the absence of something? I’s not so much what they are as what they are not! They are indeed pathetic, sniveling little worms, hiding behind passive-aggressiveness, sulking like motherfuckers. Middle middle middle.
No courage, no bravery. No nothing.
At least you can get a good ruck out of the lessers! They can be very amusing at times.