The Narc Bomb

 

The dropping of the bomb is a common tactic of our kind. It is something that happens with regularity. It is an act of manipulation and one which you will recognise. Do any of these scenarios seem familiar?

 

The day before you are due to travel to the wedding of one of your childhood school friends, we cause an argument in order to avoid going, inventing some reason why this cannot happen. You are accused of not caring about us if you still wish to attend. You eventually end up not going, having to make some excuse as to why you cannot attend.

 

You are about to have a night out and we create some kind of emergency which delays you from going out or even prevents you from going. There is no emergency.

 

You have invited friends over for dinner. Shortly before their arrival we will create an almighty argument.

 

The night before an important interview we keep you awake all night, jabbing you with our elbow and insulting you so you are unable to sleep.

 

You are about to go away for a few days when we accuse you of having an affair, thus creating a scene, tension and upset.

 

Whilst the fact that we create arguments, cause confusion and generate drama is standard behaviour, when we engage in dropping the bomb, it is done at a time which is regarded, from your perspective, as a terrible time to do it. It coincides with something special or important happening which leaves the victim wondering why this always seems to happen when they are about to go somewhere or do something.

Dropping the bomb is an instinctive response by us to such situations. When something of importance is about to happen, we respond by creating a drama which appears to be designed to spoil the important or enjoyable event. There is no appears about it. It is a deliberate act. Why does this happen?

  1. Fuel. As you would expect, fuel is behind the dropping of the bomb. Causing upset and drama is always a near guaranteed method of gaining fuel but the dropping of the bomb is designed to heighten the fuel that will be provided. Just like the fact we build you up during seduction and then cast you down during the devaluation allows us to create a heightened contrast and thus maximise the potency of the fuel, by dropping the bomb at a time when you are expecting something pleasant to happen, or you are preparing for an important event, your response is going to be of a greater intensity. This increases the potency of the fuel. When you are looking forward to that wedding, excited about seeing people and enjoying the day, the dropping of the bomb means that your upset, annoyance and disappointment is more marked. We of course create drama even when nothing is happening, a quiet Sunday afternoon suddenly becomes a battlefield. That gains fuel. The dropping of the bomb however is a ticket to plentiful fuel as you react to having your excited anticipations shattered.
  2. Jealousy. Our almost ever present jealousy means that we cannot stand the fact that you are going to do something which you will enjoy and causes you to be put into the spotlight. Taking the example of the wedding above. Since it is your school friend, you are going to see people who know you well and may not know us particularly well. Attention will be on you which causes us to be jealous. If you have an interview for a promotion, we are jealous that you are succeeding, which in turns implies that we are not and therefore our jealousy rears its head. We cannot bear for you to be happy, excited or the focus of attention, unless it is to do with us. If your happiness if because you are anticipating a dinner party with your friends, that is nothing to do with us. In our minds, this suggests we are unimportant and inferior. We cannot allow that to be the case. Accordingly, our jealousy comes to the surface and this acts as the catalyst for us dropping the bomb.
  3. Control. By causing you to react through our dropping of the bomb we are able to remind ourselves that we have the control in the relationship. By causing you to decide not to go to the wedding because you feel obliged to remain at home with us, or you decide not to go and attend a friend’s engagement party because you are too upset allows us to exert control over you. We cause you to cancel your plans, alter your intentions and instead focus on us. This underlines that we are in control and assist in maintaining our notions of superiority and omnipotence.
  4. Anticipatory fear. Eventually you will recognise that a drama is always created before you are about to do something special or important. Of course, our victims do not realise the real reasons why this is, but insetad attribute it to selfish and spoiling behaviour, without understanding what is really behind it. What our victims do come to realise however is that since this happens each time you are looking forward to an event, they end up dreading what will happen when an event is on the horizon. Your birthday is coming up next week and you are just waiting for the eruption form us which happens every year. Will it be on the day, the night before or during the planned celebrations? You become anxious and nervous, treading on those well-known eggshells, looking to mollify us before matters get out of hand. Indeed, you often begin to adjust your own behaviour so that you decide it is just easier not to organise a birthday party, it is far less aggravation to turn down an invitation to go out rather than have to endure the drama which will inevitably come before you try to attend the dinner party at your friends and you make excuses so you avoid having to go to weddings, christenings and the like. Little by little, the dropping of the bomb causes you to fear the arrival of an event which is special or important to you, so that you alter your actions, reducing your interactions and slowly isolate yourself and allow us to tighten our grip on you. This process is insidious as you see friends less and less, family on fewer occasions and in turn you increase your exposure to us and our manipulations.
  5. Blame. This works in two ways. If you try to resist the effects of us dropping the bomb, so you decide you will still attend the wedding and even decide to go without us or you are going to host the dinner party still despite the fact we are storming about the house banging the doors as we go, we then accuse you of being selfish, self-centeed and not caring about what we want. A classic dose of projection. These accusations of selfishness are the opening up of a further front for the purposes of trying to draw further fuel, to create a scenario which can be used against you in the future ‘I was ill and you still went to the engagement party’ and to add a further attempt to wear you down so you give in and change your mind. It is also done to avoid blame. We will drop the bomb, kick up a fuss, create a scene and dole out the drama and if you eventually give up and announce that you will not go, but you accuse us of controlling us or trying to spoil things, we will exhibit our classic contradictory behaviour. We may well have spent an hour arguing with you, telling you that you should not go and that we need you stay at home, but once you have given, if you point the finger at us, you can expect to be told that we did not tell you what to do, we don’t control you and that you made up your own mind not to attend. This will amaze you that we can be so hypocritical and is not only going to draw further fuel from you, but it will allow us to do our usual avoidance of blame. This again supports our notion of superiority.
  6. Effectiveness. When we have dropped the bomb a few times, we can see how effective is against you in terms of affording us fuel, control and the erosion of your confidence. Accordingly, we know that it is well worth continuing to deploy this manipulation because it causes you such upset and hurt, as evidence by your reaction. We know you will provide fuel, we know you will alter your plans and therefore the more you respond to it, the more we will use it.

The dropping of the bomb is a frequently used manipulation in our relationship with you. In order to counter it, you should learn to

  1. Recognise what is;
  2. Recognise when it is about to be used;
  3. Not provide any fuel by not reacting to our sudden drama, argument or crisis;
  4. Do what you intended to do anyway. You may as well enjoy your event because we will cause a scene and make a fuss anyway;
  5. Do what you intended to do anyway and this sends a signal that the dropping of the bomb is not working, which like any of our manipulations, means that it will be used less.
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18 Comments

  1. I love this site as there are so many light bulb moments. For all of us who’ve been told we’re nuts it is truly the path to sanity.
    Thank you HG.

  2. Ahaaa…this explains the timing of the divorce bomb that completely blindsided me…I get it now.

  3. Wow. This is so my Lesser (me IPPS). He would jab me with his elbow and keep me from sleeping, he was mean to my friends (he didn’t have any), he ruined everything we did together, he even accused me of having an affair after I was away with girlfriends for a few days.

    But I have a question (as always), HG. I cannot see MRN acting like this. He didn’t with me, maybe because I was IPSS. Would he act this way with IPPS? Or is this more something Lessers would do?

    1. A Mid Ranger would engage in similar behaviour but it would be subtle and also behind closed doors. Thus the MR would be less likely to be mean to your friends for the purpose of façade management.

      1. That makes sense. Lesser could not control himself even in public.

        I have wondered how MRN treats his IPPS behind closed doors. She always seemed very isolated to me (from a distance of course). She did not work and spent her days alone. Weirdly, she volunteered on Sundays, one of the only days she could have spent with MRN, and he had a sport thing for awhile on Saturdays, so not spending either weekend day together.

        When he was away she would take a break from posting on social media – it was as if she posted when he was around only to show him that she was busy, I guess in case dinner wasn’t on the table in time. She must have assumed he looked at her social media but I once asked him what she did all day and he said he did not know. He would ‘like’ posts but never comment – it was a reflex.

        I see now that my position in the matrix – IPPS to Lesser and IPSS to MRN – coupled with their narc type determined how they behaved towards me.

        1. Since a MRN, SMH there will be the range of passive aggressive behaviours (possibly allied with more aggressive ones if LMR or UMR) behind closed doors with the contrast between the façade operated to the outside world and then the tortuous behaviour when nobody else can see.

          1. I see, HG. During my snooping phase, I was really trying to figure out what went on behind closed doors. I knew what he was like with me and I knew the facade, but getting behind those doors was another matter.

            I did figure out a lot thanks to social media, but it was all before I found your blog so I was unable to really pinpoint why things were the way they were. I just knew they were off. But I would find it quite shocking if he were physically violent in any way. He fits your description of an MRN to a T and specialized in psychological and emotional abuse, which let him present himself to the outside world as a ‘nice guy.’

  4. I remember my narc did this before my birthday…. purposely picked a fight etc. So instead… I booked a trip… and didn’t invite him to come.

    Is that a supernova move?

    1. It could be, it depends where the dynamic was at the time. The article about ‘The Cliff’ (when published) will help in that regard.

  5. HG, I just bought your sex book. It better not be some 50 Shades shit lest I will hunt you down and hug you without emotion. (Touch without fuel–does it get any worse?)

    I just don’t want to think about the Lesser who rejected me years ago and how he is licking out his wife’s twat and how great it is.

    I have had nothing but victims and cerebrals and limp elitists and I know nothing of this supposed ‘great sex’ so I am warning you. Don’t make me hug you.

    1. Oh yea. I also purchased Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s 1914, Thomas Merton’s Literary Criticism and HG. So you are in good company.

      1. HG I sent u an email and it was having trouble sending so if u got like 3 or 4 emails of the same crap that is why. I also sent an attachment and I can’t know if that even went though. It is not appearing in my sent box.

        I just don’t want to seem ‘obsessive’ and ‘needy’ as the Mid Ranger made me seem. LOLSo just FYI. :D

        1. Noted, thank you. I am not sure I have received any emails from you Bibi, I will check the rather burgeoning inbox and see.

    2. Thank you for purchasing.

      The sheer cheek of comparing my work to that utter dross which I cannot bring myself to even write out!

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