The Narcissist Manipulates – Objectification
There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.
I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.
“Ah,it is awake,” I would smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.
“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.
“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.
“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”
“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”
“No I don’t.”
“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”
“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.
“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”
“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”
Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.
“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”
Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.
“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”
“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”
“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”
She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,
“Is it busy?”
“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”
“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.
By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,
“I am going out now. I will see you later.”
The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.
“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.
“I will. Bye Karen.”
I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.
Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.
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76 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates – Objectification”
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HG, I have a couple of questions: have you had the chance to listen to any of the participants of the telesummit? if so, what is your opinion about the talk by Dr. David Kosson on psychopathy? I must confess I only listened to yours so far but I am intrigued about this particular one too.
Hello SP,
1. I have not done so, no.
2. Thank you for listening.
I used to call the narc “you stupid little man.” Each attempt to erode my confidence and belittle me was met with “ you stupid little man, full of jealousy and insecurity. Have you met me? You will never break me.” His anger would turn into deer in headlights confusion. I could almost see him shrinking, as I delved deeper into his psyche, peeling each layer of his mask off until he stood naked. He would start laughing, and call me a witch. “You scare me.” He would say jokingly but we both new the truth.
That’s abuse H anyway anyone looks at IT, so who is It
HG, I am so sorry your brother faced such a heartless, sick and fucked up ‘it’ thing. There was no excuse for such cruelty. I find it very hard to believe ‘it’ had any empathic traits whatsoever. I just read Elated and Eroded. I was so shocked and sad and angry and upset all at once when I read about ‘it.’ I agree with you. It was disgustingly wrong and remains unforgivable and sick and ‘it’ is a despicable excuse for a human. I would have immediately told her off in the moment, even as a bystander. I hope your sweet brother is doing well these days.
Clare and Sweetest Perfection
Leslie is not innocent and needed to be taught a lesson in humility…….I doubt she learned thou.
Am I the only one to get freaked out about both the narc and his girlfriend in this story? If the person I’m in bed with starts talking to me like Gollum, using first person plural as in this article: “we must not go hungry/ we are going out tonight and it is not invited,” I’m getting my butt out of there ASAP, leave aside the objectifying “it” pronoun and the misnomer at the end. In many of these stories, I’m more shocked by the victim’s attitude than by the narcissist. The narcissist is what it is (see what I did here?) but many of these women do not seem to be very stable anyway. I am sorry and do not want to offend anyone who has gone through horrendous forms of abuse, I’m not saying I am the strongest or most resolute and I know that there exist millions of possible circumstances to not leave, but really, wouldn’t you be terrified of a guy who seems to have a split personality problem?
Sweetest, I’m thinking for the most part these are women that may have jumped from one narcissist to another as co/ dependents sometimes do. Actually SP when I was reading this I was getting pissed off, I know there is no way in hell I would have been able to let that continue with simply crying asking him to stop. I would have been in his face telling him to knock it the the f—k off! Fuel might have been flowing, but it would not have been from me letting that shit continue with a simple, please stop! God damn it, this one has certainly triggered something this time that it has never triggered before! I’m so fucking angry I could just scream or punch something or both!! F—k this shit! I’ve had enough for one day! I’m sorry SP! This is not how this comment was suppose to end up!
FM1T, I also have a very hot temper so don’t apologize, I actually believe my narc loves my negative fuel rather than my positive one because I’m not submissive or subservient but oh boy can I get feisty! I am suuuuuper patient until you get on my nerves and then: run! Now, remember this is just a story, I never let myself get carried away by the protagonists. It’s not you. And you don’t know this person. But if I were the woman in this excerpt, I would have changed my name, my address, and my phone number so that the creepy guy who talks to himself can’t ever find me. Which just reminds me that at this very moment I am changing my phone password because someone has tried to access my account twice today. I was thinking: if you want to get in my account and pay for my international calls, be my guess motherfucker! FM1T, relax, try to think of cool stuff and tomorrow we will laugh together 😘
PS: one of my friends called me in desperation because she confused the hydrocortisone lotion for insect bites with toothpaste and thought she was gonna die poisoned. I couldn’t stop laughing on the phone. I think she got mad. She will survive.
Love you FTM1, hang in there!
Hahaha sweetest, that did make me laugh! Yesterday was just crazy with things going on at home, it was just one thing after another all day long. It takes pretty much for me to get that angry, but when I reach that point there’s no turning back. Thank you for understanding SP, I’m sure today will be much better! 😘😘🙃
Sweetest Perfection
Ha ha ha…I would have laughed, too! Sometimes, I wonder why some people can’t “see” the humor in their actions.
K, right? I told her she had to be thankful it wasn’t something worse, like hemorrhoid cream for example. People don’t have a sense of humor these days…
Sweetest Perfection
Ha ha ha…hemorrhoid cream! Seriously, people need to lighten up.
I think hemorrhoid cream might actually also contain hydrocortisone 😀😀
Abe Moline, I have no idea about that 😝
All I know is a friend’s mom used hemorrhoid cream and it burned, but the itching seemed to subside, so she cream filled herself again only to find the burning increase most uncomfortably.
Turned out it was A535 heat cream for sore muscles. She didn’t flex that muscle for a bit.
Lesson: Wear your glasses.
‘Friend’s mom’ eh NA? If you say so! Did you type this standing up?!
HG
Hahaha. Nothing wrong with my starfish.
Abe Moline
Ha ha ha…I read that it is good for under eye circles/wrinkles.
FM1T, Follow K’s links, you’ll learn Lesley was not a CoD but a narc in empath clothing and the story is in Elated and Eroded. Another past commenter said she was glad Lesley got her comeuppance. Think I’ll read ‘it’ tomorrow.
I hate to see you hurt and angry. You must have endured so much😥 Do not worry FM1T, you will never endure this or anything like ‘it’. You are strong and armored now with HG’s cool logic. You would see ‘it’ for what it is and leave. Save your emotions for those who love you and never provoke for fuel. All that is in your past. Take care of you.
Sorry, FM1T, I did not know you had read it when I wrote the earlier comment. I’m glad you feel better😊
Sweetest, Please read elated and eroded, it will give you answers as to why you should not feel sorry for this girl. I apologize again for my blow up earlier! A lot of things going on in my personal life today and for some reason this post triggered me in a way it never has before! I can’t tell you the last time I felt this angry. 😘🌻
FM1T, I’m glad to read you feel much better, no need to apologize to me at all! Thanks for the suggestion, I will read it, I think it is one of the only two I haven’t read yet. But I feel more worried than sorry for Leslie, I don’t like people that make voices and speak in different persons, redrum redrum…
Ha ha SP I completely understand, but when you read the book I doubt that you will worry about Leslie any longer. I can all most guarantee it! 🥰🤗
There is an addicition that is formed in abusive relationships. Trauma bonds and even Stockholm syndrome can occur. The cognitive dissonance That occurs from from the Golden Period to devaluation keeps victims stuck. Those things are important to understand when thinking about victims and their experience. I watched a loved one of mine defend an abuser for nearly a decade and I could never understand it until I got entangled with an abuser myself. Luckily I never got to the point of defending him necessarily… but I did find it confusing and hard to leave.
With that said, I think all of us suffer from one thing or another. Would I have personally handled it like Lesley? No. I wouldn’t have. I put my foot down when it needs to be put down. But would my method have been much better? In terms of the fuel the narc would be getting? It would be flowing from my veins and likely just Be challenge fuel that would lead to some sort
Of punishment. So in the end…. the victim can never win.
The biggest thing I learnt from
All of this is… setting boundaries is important. And sticking to them. It can be easier said then done.
But with HGs articles I am now at the better half of a year with No Contact. I still struggle some days admittedly.
I hope Lesley has found peace and happiness. And more self esteem ❤️
If only it was that easy Sweetest Perfection… ”I’m getting my butt out of there ASAP, leave aside the objectifying “it”
The reason people find it hard to leave is they have been bonded in the relationship and they have invested a lot of time and money with promises that will never transpire but they don’t know that…
There are invisible chains that hold you from leaving the relationship. Like the person at the slot machine waiting for the win after investing so much money, they are waiting for their payout. And each time the NARC showers them with attention not matter how short the it reaffirms that they are going the big win, maybe this time…
RYS, you left the most important part of my conditional sentence out: “If the person I’m in bed with starts talking to me like Gollum, using first person plural as in this article: “we must not go hungry/ we are going out tonight and it is not invited.” I am not saying I would leave the narc for his treatment of me, in this particular scenario I was pointing out that the narc is acting creepy and behaving like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, that split personality is a little off putting to say the least. If you noticed, at the end of my comment I also apologized and said I did not consider myself to be the bravest person and that I understand that there are a million reasons to not leave. I know you are right I just wanted to let you know I am not pretending to be better.
Good reminder though that the relationship will never become anything but toxic no matter how hard we try 😞 and I become a person I don’t like whilst defending myself.
This one breaks my heart
Oh HG, this brings back some not so good memories! I was raised in a narc home and this brought back memories of how often my mother used to refer to me as ”it”. I’m not sure if working through these memories is part of the healing or just triggering more hurt. So much to work through once one begins to understand what it meant to have a narcissistic parent. It’s as if everything must be re-run through a new filter. Do you think this painful process is part of the healing, ultimately?
Re-running it through the filter of actual knowledge rather than being blind and not understanding will bring with it some pain. The best medicine usually tastes the worst.
I think this nails it—I don’t even dislike my father’s overall “memory” but it was startling to realize what he was. Or is startling—sadly. Narcissism or whatever it needs to be called doesn’t diminish his entire existence. That would be illogical.
You’re right, Claire, on the contrary …!
I knew my partent was abusive. I have had 30 years of recovery. I thought I was doing fine. But then, coming across narcissism? I’ve had to run it all through a new filter. It’s turned everything I thought I knew in it’s head. A marriage of 50 years was not idyllic. It was sick, toxic. All the abuse was deliberate. The family is poisoned so far unto the 4th generation. I’ve had to re-examine the complicity of other family members in enabling, facilitating and perpetuating my abuse.
But it’s healing. I am not alone. It has happened to 1000s of other kids. I owe my toxic parent nothing. I owe my toxic family nothing. I have more than survived, I have thrived – alone, without one ounce of support or validation from them. I am now a doctor after many years of hard work. They always told me I was too stupid. Did I get their validation now? No, of course not. Do I need it? Absolutely not!
You see, they have given me nothing, so there’s nothing I need from them and, more importantly, nothing to lose! You cannot lose what you never had. So they cannot hurt me, at all, ever again. I am indifferent. I am free.
My dad passed years ago. It simply doesn’t alter my feelings—it just is what it is. I love the filter analogy. He used to tell my mom she was an idiot and my brothers, etc. It’s no wonder the behavior of my ex wasn’t as alarming as it should have been. I was acclimated to nonsense—business as usual. That’s about as far as I’ve processed it.
You process it as much as YOU need to. And let it take the time it needs to as well. I’m realising there are no quick fixes, each of may take different times and ways to heal. The world also gaslights us: ‘ Just forgive’; ‘Move on; or ‘ they didn’t mean it, they were hurt themselves!’
Again, only those of us who’ve been thru it truly understand. In this, HG and I are on the same page: the horrors of the Matrinarc. Both abused in similar ways – with that classic, English touch, hey, HG? We just made different choices as to how we were going to deal with it.
I think it’s easy enough to just digest it as having set a platform. I have no hatred or desire to experience it. I do have questions regarding the emotional output but that is already illustrated as emptiness by HG—or the need for attention (all about me) stuff. Changing the script is rather disconcerting but he’s been dead for nearly nine years. He also gave me every reasonable financial advantage and provided some good viewpoints. I cannot dispel the value in these things, although I have every reason to focus on the more unsavory stuff—if I had the bandwidth to do so.
I reckon you nailed it there, HG. Thanks for the affirmation. This painful time is healing time. Few who haven’t been there can truly understand. They do try, but I know they wonder when I’m gonna ‘just get over it, lol!
Pleasure.
Anyone feeling sorry for Lesley should read Elated and Eroded.
I just bought it 😬
HG approves
Ok so NOW I get it. It’s funny because I used to wonder if I was his “Lesley.” Simply because the only articles I’ve come across that mention her say things like “she sends me pleasant messages from time to time but I know exactly what she’s doing” etc (aside from the “it” thing). I figured he keeps me at arms length now because he thinks I’M trying to keep him sweet (ie control HIM). Now I know I’m not a Lesley! 😖
Who cares?
I used to call the narc “you stupid little man.” Each attempt to erode my confidence and belittle me was met with “ you stupid little man, full of jealousy and insecurity. Have you met me? You will never break me.” His anger would turn into deer in headlights confusion. I could almost see him shrinking, as I delved deeper into his psyche, peeling each layer of his mask off until he stood naked. He would start laughing, and call me a witch. “You scare me.” He would say jokingly but we both new the truth.
Narcs are merely bullies. Psychological bullies that feast on the meek. Those who are highly emotional and intense, have the uncanny ability to see through these demons in human form. Our strengths are unparalleled and our sense of right and wrong unwavering. We strike back with the ferocity of the almighty, will never retreat until the narc’s defeat.
Provocation.
My mid-range N always refers to me, to our children as “your mother”. Never Mum. Or “your children/son/daughter”, never “our”. How might this fit with his MO to persecute me?
It is compartmentalisation.
Have you written about compartmentalization much?
I have written about it, yes.
Claire
I don’t know if you have read this article but type: compartment store, into the search function and that should pull up the relevant article.
Thanks K! After looking at it my memory was jogged! Yes and it is like HG knows my ex on a personal level. They really aren’t all that fancy are they? Learning these behaviors really feels about as elementary as a group of chimpanzees rummaging around getting their needs met.
My pleasure Claire!
K—question. (Yes—I’m too lazy to figure it out if you have the answers.) I’m sure there is a YouTube video or two but I have serious ADD. First, if you go to narc site on safari or chrome (whatever browser) you can see recent activity—the most recent posts. You can access the posts clicking on the comments listed but there is not always a “reply”’function present as there is within the app. You get where I’m going? Also—if there is a reply feature to that comment you don’t get notifications via the app.
Also, if there is recent activity on an old post how can one even access it within the app in order to reply/receive notifications? I don’t see a search function etc..
Is there a way to see this “most recent comment” activity within the app?
Yes HG—I’m lazy, I like being spoon fed, and I’m an idiot.
Claire
Just to be clear, I get all my notifications emailed to me and I am able to access all the threads/comments/reply buttons by using WordPress notifications. Do you use an app on your device?
I sign up for the email notifications when functioning outside the app—but only get them when activity is generated from the word press app on my phone. (And when using word press it’s automatic from my settings configuration) Word press is installed on my iPhone yes.
Claire
It sounds like the problem is with the app. Try this link and see if it solves your problem.
https://jetpack.com/support/notifications/
To start using mobile notifications:
1. Install a WordPress mobile app.
2. Make sure the Notifications module is active in Jetpack.
3. Done! Enjoy your new notifications
Thanks K. I did a little something. Maybe my kids should assist! I changed my WiFi code so one of them couldn’t access internet and that little brat was hot spotting off my other one. It’s like little master minds running amok. If this doesn’t do it I’ll take the time to apply the few brain cells that remain functional to deal with!
My pleasure Claire
I don’t use a lot of apps and, when I have problems with them, I delete them and then reinstall them, sometimes that fixes the problem. Children can be quite clever, so by all means enlist their Machiavellian minds.
Yes I admittedly need their assistance at times. Although, they need my checkbook so I retain the upper hand most of the time.
Claire
Ha ha ha…quid pro quo.
Transactional relationship yes..
Claire
compartmentalization is an abstract concept and I tried Googling it but I didn’t find the information helpful. HG explains it very well though.
HG Tudor
NOVEMBER 18, 2018 AT 19:17
Yes. Lessers do not have large fuel matrices (generally) therefore there is less to compartmentalise and their lack of façade management means it is less of a concern. Greaters have larger fuel matrices but have the ability to ease passage smoothly where certain worlds collide owing to ability. Mid Rangers have reasonable-sized fuel matrices but their passive aggressive cowardly nature and reliance of façade means that compartmentalisation is of particular importance to them and is thus an instinctive significant part of the their Devil’s Toolkit.
https://narcsite.com/2018/10/27/why-does-the-narcissist-compartmentalise-appliances/
I need to read that book anyway.. Yes, I actually backspaced over my initial reply to you and had suggested that I assumed the extent was reliant to a degree on fuel matrix. I’m learning! I just didn’t want to write a book that time!
Interesting. Can you elaborate, HG?
Not until you tell me what you would like me to elaborate on please, I do not see the previous comment in moderation.
Then there’s always “the children.”
Stepnarc addressed us as “you people”. Usually, followed by “make me sick”.
Wow, how “Silence of the Lambs!”
Hate finger poibting so rude grrrr lol
Gross, I had a girlfriend that did that a couple relationships ago. I just assumed she had Asperger’s honestly… And I still kind of wonder about that.
Wow HG has anyone ever challenged you on this if someone constantly called me it it would be on no way I would tolerate that
And if you have been called on it did war break out or did you or they leave?
Would this achieve negative fuel if your manhood was snipped off with dull scissors?! I hate this story. Great example but I keep thinking of the lotion in the basket.
Claire
There are clues in this thread (10 comments). https://narcsite.com/2016/05/18/elated-and-eroded/
Read this article, there are clues in this thread, as well (28 comments)
https://narcsite.com/2019/03/31/sting-in-the-tale/
Love this K! So H.G. wasn’t being an asshole entirely just to be an asshole and I need to read the book! It actually bumps him up a notch in my book. It’s been an intellectual day for me all the way around. I think I need some rest.
Claire
Ha ha ha…she had it coming.
Just wait till you read about it. I was pissed at her, too!
Claire, Yes you need to read the book. I don’t think he was being an asshole at all, and neither will you when you read it. 🙃