But Why?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
It really is, that simple….I had to give something to my ex. Narc the other day…we exchanged the item, went for a drink at our usual pub. It was strange, now that I know what I know, I could see him through different eyes. He was fake, he was hollow, he was empty…..it was fine we exchanged pleasantries….the only thing I miss is the sex. He was so good. Unfortunately, in his effort to put on the charm….it makes him a uniquely attentive lover. I didn’t feel “lovey dovey” sensations for him at all….I do still feel sexually attracted to him…& shame for it…
Joanne
Congratulations on your 8 days no contact! To some that may not seem like much, to others who have been involved with them those 8 days are like 8 years. To many getting through a day is a miracle! 😘
Thanks FM1T! 💪🏼😘
Your welcome Joanne. 👏👏😘
It really takes a long time to just accept that it will never make sense in our world, aka the real world. As someone recently pointed out, you can have all the logical answers in front of you, but it takes learning it in so many scenarios (as illustrated on the blog) in order to fully understand. I am 8 days REAL no contact. I feel so much relief knowing there is nothing waiting to trigger me, no new social posts for me to stumble upon, etc. His ways and his world seem so stupid to me now. I really hope I’m able to hold on to this feeling.
Joanne
Good for you on the real no contact. Some things in life are worth trying to figure out and can be rewarding, but his world of constant delusion holds no reward for you, so why continue to look for clues? There is nothing real to see so you are not missing anything. It is all an illusion.
Thanks NA!
You are so right. There is nothing worth decoding and there never was.
“Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?”
No.