Narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) : The Four Classes
I have written before about how there are four cadres of narcissist – the Victim, the Somatic, The Cerebral and the Elite. I have also references on many occasions the three different schools – the Lesser, the Mid-Range and the Greater. Knowing what cadre and school your narcissist belongs to is extremely helpful in enabling you to understand why he or she behaves in the manner that they do and also to enable you to know what you need to do and what you should expect.
It is also worth your while knowing that there are also four classes which are applicable to the interaction between us and our primary sources. There are, effectively, four overarching methodologies which our kind applies to our primary source of fuel. The people who are our primary sources are almost always intimate partners and we operate in a certain way with regard we treat those people. I am not referring to the narcissistic cycle of seduction, devaluation, discard and hoover but instead the interaction over time between us and our primary sources.
Identifying the type you are engaged with or have been engaged with will provide you with insight into his or her behaviour and allow you to understand what you can expect by way of further interaction.
The first is the Nomad. This narcissist will form a relationship and conduct the narcissistic cycle and then as part of that cycle, identify a new appliance. Once with the new appliance, there may be the occasional hoover of the old appliance and there will be intermittent seduction of passing interests whilst with the new appliance and then another new appliance is sought out. The Nomad will triangulate the new appliance that he has and that triangulation will be with both the old appliance and other appliances, but he will only “skirmish” with those old and other appliances whilst with the new. He uses the old appliances and the other appliances naturally for fuel, he uses them to triangulate with the current, new appliance but he will not return to the old appliance to form an ongoing relationship. He may spend a few days with that person, a night together, maybe even a holiday but he will not want to commence the more formal relationship with the old appliance. He will always consider a return, after all hoover fuel is excellent fuel and he will take it but he has no desire, nor the energy, to instigate a long golden period through this hoover. He will connect, charm for a night, a few days perhaps a week or two and then he will return to the current appliance. He may come back to the old appliance much later down the line, when there is a different new appliance, but the pattern will remain the same. There will be no relationship in the formal sense with that old appliance. That has happened once and will not again, but the opportunity for a brief burst of fuel will not be relinquished. As for the other appliances, he will utilise them in the same way. He will spend a night with them, perhaps a few days but there will be no relationship at all. Unlike the old appliance, where there once was a relationship, the other appliances are just passing fancies, to distract him from the current, new appliance and to use for the purposes of triangulation.
Once he tires of the new appliance, he finds someone different and does not return to the old and the other appliances but seeks fresh territory. He will seek out a completely new appliance. He will triangulate this new and different appliance with the recently discarded one, he may even do so with the one before that, the older appliance but he will not form relationships again with the old or older appliances. He is always moving, seeking out new victims, occasionally hoovering old ones, but not to the extent of resurrecting an ongoing relationship with them.
The second is the Ping Pong Player. This type of narcissist will secure his new appliance and he will triangulate her with the old appliance. He will then hoover the old appliance and return to her as part of an ongoing relationship. He will triangulate her with the recently replaced appliance who was the new appliance. He will then vacillate back and forth between these two appliances, leaving one for the other, a lengthy and ongoing tug-of-love as the narcissist bounces back and forth like a ping pong ball between the two same people. There may be interaction with other appliances on an intimate level but they will be one night stands and brief liaisons. He is only interested in the long-term in moving between two particular appliances. He has his two primary sources who he goes back and forth between for as long as he can. Should one eventually decide against continuing with this arrangement then this narcissist will organise a replacement and draw them into this ping pong set-up. The newly escaped former appliance will be hoovered initially in order to maintain the ping pong set-up, but if this fails then a new person will be drawn into the arrangement. There may be intermittent hoovers of the escaped appliance but she will no longer form part of the ping-pong arrangement as the narcissist now has two primary sources to shuttle back and forth between
The third is the Anchor. This primary source is long-suffering. The narcissist will have a long-standing intimate partner, usually a spouse and there will be children involved. The narcissist will seek out fresh appliances and conduct affairs, possibly leaving the long-standing appliance and striking out anew with the replacement. After a period of time, the narcissist will return to the long-standing appliance, often citing missing the children, or doing it for the children, or they realised just how much their spouse truly loves them and they love her. The recently acquired appliance will be cast aside for some time. The narcissist may hoover that discarded appliance at a future point but only for the purpose of one-night stands and infrequent liaisons. He has no interest in resurrecting the relationship again. Instead, he will then seek out a new appliance and leave the long-standing one again as he pursues the dream of potent fuel forever with the newly acquired individual. Once again the affair will end and the narcissist will push her to one side and return to the long-suffering appliance. Time and time again he will leave her, having affairs and leaving home, before returning at a future point. It is often an individual who is regarded as the Anchor, the one who remains in situ and never changes, who is co-dependent to a considerable degree and is unable to want anyone other than the narcissist no matter how many times he has left and come back and no matter how many affairs that he has had.
The final category is the hybrid. This narcissist may operate the Anchor scenario before over time changing to the Nomad and then perhaps back to the Anchor or the Ping Pong arrangement. He will morph and shift between these different approaches, often as a consequence of the disruption to the primary source of fuel, whereby for instance the long-suffering Anchor finally moves on or is helped away from the narcissist, or perhaps both primary sources in the Ping Pong arrangement reject the narcissist and he is forced to adopt a Nomadic approach.
There are numerous reasons why these arrangements are adopted, dependent on the type of victim, the type of narcissist and other factors which I shall elaborate on in a separate article. No doubt you can recognise which methodology was applicable to your entanglement.
32 thoughts on “Narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) : The Four Classes”
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HG, I dated him for two months and he left suddenly saying I was a stressor to his life, affecting his work (which he loves). I begged for one month and somehow triggered him to return, only to finally show his true colors and left again. He has refused to talk to me on the phone for a proper closure. And now he is using online dating app again while being in Thailand. He has said this is the end of it. Does it mean he shall never return?
1. It depends on whether he is a narcissist or not. You should organise a Narc Detector Consultation
https://narcsite.com/narc-detector/
2. If he is one, he will return when there is a Hoover Trigger and if the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. You should organise a consultation to give me more information so I can assist you in answering that.
https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
HG does Narc Detector have a questionnaire part like the Empath consult nowadays
Always has had a questionnaire.
greetings from miles away, Turkey. i want to thank you every word in whole site. they keep me alive.
i can’t access easily to your books, phone contact from here. so i would be greatful if you could reply. sorry for my English. my grammer is horrible 🙁 i hope i can express myself correctly.
i met my married narc in online,2 years ago. i refused to chat with him because i always hate serial cheaters. he convinced to me “just talk”. i’m not proud, but after 3 days we met for “just coffee”. he was nice, talkative. i am very impressed (what a surprise!)
unfortunately couldn’t resist pressure i said “yes” and our relationship started
but i broke up with him almost every week (and ofc he begged me, cried every time and we started again again) . i couldn’t handle with being mistress. and some of him behaviors were disturbed me. i study with special kids (mental retardation, autism…) I am more familiar with psychology than most people. i suspect that he has npd, after 4 months. but of course i am not authorized to diagnose. and of course he rejected problems
i tried to solve our communication problems, i tried to talk about “lack of emphaty ” and many things…sometimes he seemed to accept, talked about his “dark side”. but most of time he was angry with me and he said ” it’s all about my marriage. you don’t believe me. i can’t divorce. i hate her but i must stay because of my daughter”
i didn’t fall in love with him. i never expect a divorce or happy ending for us. he married at early age. he never has a long term relationship. he always miss a “darling” ( he replaced me missing darling) he likes bdsm, he likes cycling, he likes discuss about world etc. his wife loves nothing he likes. she doesn’t know anything about his secret life. they barely share same house (his house, he paid every lira,he often said) he likes this social role
in our country the motto is ; “family comes first” . i could understand his beliefs, his fears. i was unhappy to be other woman of course, but passion was ahead everything 🙁
after countless argumet, my devalue phase started. “fear of break up” passed to me. hot/cold days came. and he blocked me( phone calls-whatssapp) in this February. i only had permission in his secret chat app.(he doesn’t use fb,twitter, insta..) he wrote me everyday, he came once a week (for fight). he brought me gifts in valentine’s day and my birthday. but never be same.
between
“you talk too much. you never respect my authortiy. i thought you were different ”
and
“you are my precious. you are so kind. i love you so much. i know, you think this isn’t love but this is my way. ”
finally he discarded me in this April.
we talked daily routine (at night). i wrote good bye but didnt mean a break up. he wrote in the morning “i said goodbye and you will go crazy” and he’s gone.
after 2 weeks i checked the site that we met. and yes he was reopned his profile. and he is online everyday. he only changed “looking for” part for “hook ups” . he never answered my messages since april. and i quit the persistence.
sorry for this long story,sorry for my miserable writing skills but i wonder you could know
1) am i just an ipss for him? am i in a box now for shelf? ( his answers: some kind psychologist- a lover- like a lovely mother- like his little daughter- like a monster… )
2) i know you often say “there is no such thing like a permanent discard” but can i be most blackest person in his thoughts now? i think he will not return for years
3) i think you met people from other cultures. do you think culturel differences effect supply/fuel matrix?
thank you so much
Hello and welcome Ceycey,
Your English is fine, you made yourself understood. With regard to the books, if you have problems obtaining them email me at narcissist1909@gmail.com and I will be able to assist you. With regard to your other points :-
1. Please see https://narcsite.com/what-am-i-to-the-narcissist-where-do-you-sit-in-the-narcissists-fuel-matrix/
2. This is a matter for a consultation https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
3. Yes, they do.
thank you for your prompt reply
i understand my questions require detailed consultation. but unfortunately PayPal is not more available in Turkey. and our orders from abroad are expensive with shipping and duties. i will ask my friends in US for your books. may be i can solve payment issues with them ,also.
i choose “shelf ipss” for myself, for now 🙂
i know, people read comments too (like me :D) and i would like to say something about my journey to everybody :
i can be ipps or dirty little secret or nobody for him. i can’t control him but i can control myself. i am responsible for myself.
everybody says “this is not about you, he’s a monster” . i don’t agree with them. this is about me.
i studied with many children that have different mental problems. i know npds are not “educable” or “trainable” like them. i know they are manipulative, abuser, liar…ok , they have an extra dark world but they are also part of the our world. i think all this mess is about disharmony between two worlds. and this is not making them the monster.
someday my ex said “if you don’t want to be in this relationship, just leave” i know this was one of his tactics but now i can see that also was a very logical advice 🙂 yelled him, blamed him, cursed him, slapped him once, left his car many times, left the place many times but i never chose my own way. and finally he chose discard 🙂
now it’s time to look outside. he was not my enemy, emotional thinking was. i was Don Quixote, fight against the windmill. i should go “no contact” with my weakness, fears, sensitivies first. and then with him.
god bless him for letting me find myself 🙂 and thank you very much HG Tudor for your articles that change my perspective, i hope we can meet on consult when i solve problems :))
If you want e-books that can be accommodated.
My dear HG 💖 I’m like the ping pong player. Which type of narcissist is that common among?
But you are not a narcissist Whitney!
Thank you HG neither are you. You are a God. You are a magnificent and spectacular person. You enrich people’s lives. You are loved by everyone, especially Shieldmaiden. You are helping millions of people. You are a saviour!
Sorry I forgot genius as well haha
Well I am and I’m clear about what I am and therefore (unlike certain other platforms out there) people know what they are getting. All your other comments are accurate and thank you.
Yes on other platforms they seem off kilter and unsettled under the surface. I cannot watch because of their unpleasant manner.
I have been wondering why a psychopath must also be a narcissist? Can someone have psychopathic traits (lack of empathy, lack of emotion), but not be egotistic and self deluded.
A psychopath does not have to be a narcissist, all have narcissistic traits but some are not narcissists and of course not all narcissists are psychopaths.
I always thought psychopaths were on the npd spectrum at the far end being the most narcissistic. How can a psychopath not be a narcissist? That comment i find surprising HG.
Many are, all are narcissistic.
Thank you HG 🌷 my first partner lacked empathy and emotion. Psycho, but not narcissistic. He had no false self or grandiosity. He didn’t need attention or fuel. He loved me and I was the only person he loved. He needed me to be alive.
What kind of narc says he needs to “cleanse” himself between relationships? As in, take a break between.
Most likely a Mid Range Narcissist.
my hybrid, I’ve gone through these three. He was, an ass’ of bad habit and restless
We all know who the Nomad is here.
You’ve done it again. Thank you.
Very enlightening article.. I’ve always wondered what particular methodology my children’s father took, as far as operation between his many sources–this sums it up very effectively..
I believe the MMRN father of my children is a hybrid of both the Nomad and the Ping Pong player.. He has stated to me himself: “it is all about confidence and balance”, going on to describe to me that it is preferable for him to have at least two people in rotation, getting what he needs from both of them, as a whole, because one lacks in attributes the other has and vice versa.. I made mention to this in a comment on another article in the past, asking HG exactly what my MMRN meant by this analogy of protein and vitamin C he came up with, saying that he needs both, but he can’t get both supplements from the same source, therefore he must indulge in both sources in order to supply all of his needs.. Just based on my MMRN’s explanation, it sounds like he is a Ping Pong player.. But based on my observation of him over these past several years, he also has a bit of Nomad in him too..
When I became the new, current IPPS with the pregnancy of our daughter 3 years ago, I was frequently triangulated with his most recent former IPPS, whom he used to live with in our state capital.. However, he didn’t resurrect their formal relationship–he would just go visit her during random weekends, and then head back home in town to be with me.. But, while he was here in town with me, he also managed to garner other intimate sources, now of which I understand were secondary sources..
When he callously discarded me in 2017 and secured a new IPPS and posted it on FB for all to see, he kinda hampered his own chances of being able to secure new intermittent sources and hoover old sources for a while.. But once he removed that relationship status from FB and began devaluing her, he hoovered me and played Ping Pong for an extended period of time between us, never returning to either of us to resurrect a formal, public relationship.. He was also now not in so frequent contact with the IPPS before me, because his needs were being met between me and the IPPS after me, as well as other secondary sources here in town in his game of Ping Pong/Nomad.. At that point, I was the oldest source.. However, last summer, when the IPPS after me physically assaulted my children’s father, she was disengaged from the fuel matrix (and still is, as far as I know of), and I became the for sure IPPS again.. He hoovered the IPPS before me again and even other old secondary sources, but our interaction was very consistent and kind of “anchored”, compared to his interactions with them.. It was very clear they were “back-ups”..
*sigh* All of that is long and gone away now.. A very vivid, but increasingly distant memory that I am accepting with each passing day.. Gone are the days of me trying to figure out who is who in his fuel matrix and when or not he will interact with them so I can plan my life and days accordingly.. Now, I live my life as I choose and do not have to be concerned about allocating time for my children’s father to make sure I stay relevant in his world.. It is a liberating feeling having been disengaged from my dynamic with him now for almost 7 months and having full No Contact for just shy of 60 days.. The longer this goes on, it feels *REAL* to me that our relationship has ended forever and we will never be together or communicate consistently again.. And I am perfectly okay with that..
Congratulations on your success, Bekah B, and best wishes as you continue to heal. 🌷
Bekah B, that was a great ending to your story. You really show a full understanding of what you went through and where you are now. I’m thrilled and good for you, that you’re perfectly okay and living your life as you choose. That’s huge! Best always
Awww.. Thanks so much for that, Kelly!! That really means a lot to me, especially during this time in my life.. Best to you, too 🙂
Great job, Bekah B. And glad to hear you’re good with never being together with him. After reading your dizzying description of ping-pong and his self-justification, it is more than safe to say that you definitely deserve better.
Awww, thanks Bibi!! It’s been a process and the passage of time has contributed a lot, but I am also glad that I arrived here to this state of mind..
Dizzying to say the least!! Lol.. It was tough trying to describe our relationship dynamic just now in written word.. Just imagine how tough it was to live life like that, trying to stay relevant and maintain the attention of someone who was truly all over the place.. Never again will I compete for the attention and affections of a man..
I can’t believe I’m asking this question on the internet… but here goes…
Is it possible, to limit an interaction with a narcissist to just sex?
This is the lAst peice is the puzzle I’m trying to get over. (I’ve been working out a lot 🤣🤣 which is actually pretty effective haha.)
Anyone tried this ? And what was the result?
No.
And in many cases there is the rest-of-our-lives Anchor, isn’t there HG
Many narcissists don’t ever leave that last spouse/wife/hubs, if they provide Great prime aims? N may of course textmessage others/bolthole/meet others on business trips, but I suspect the spouse never really finds out? And the narcissist will stay married for the rest of his life.