The Grief, The Whole Grief and Nothing But The Grief

Grief. You may think that this is an alien concept to our kind. It is and it is not. On the one hand we do not feel grief but we do understand what it is and what it engenders in other people especially those who are empathic in nature and who have been entangled with us. We have watched with an almost child-like curiosity when you have received news about the passing away of a relative. If this happened during the golden period, you at least received some false empathy in the shape of some fabricated support and understanding to make it look as if we at least cared in some way. If your pet died during the devaluation, a long-loved pet, then we will have watched your display of sadness, longing and grief with contempt and jealousy. We would not have supported you but instead said something to provoke you such as,

“I don’t know why you are so upset, it’s just a dog.”

So that you focused on us again rather than wallow in your own grief. We have witnessed grief in others, observed and learnt how it is displayed. We have listened (when it served a purpose for us) during the golden period as to how it makes you feel and stored all of this information away. We do not feel grief. We may exhibit is for the sake of appearances if this will garner fuel for us and to preserve the façade, but it is never felt. You however experience grief in an intense fashion, given your capacity to feel and to empathise. We have seen your grief over a deceased relative, a friend taken suddenly and violently in a car crash, the celebrity who you adored who has passed away after a long battle against illness. We know just how capable you are of grief and we know that not only does it have the potential to be a potent source of fuel but we recognise its paralytic effect on you. Grief takes a hold and has the capacity to prevent you from functioning effectively. Not only that, its paralysis is such that it can prevent you from escaping this state of grief, keeping you locked-in a grieving mode, unable to move forward. Grief is an intense emotion. We have seen this. From the wailing cries of a parent being told that their child’s body has been found after they have disappeared to the dignified grief of a war veteran stood in silence with a single tear trickling down his or her cheek as they pay tribute to their fallen comrades. Whether noise or silence accompanies this grief it remains a powerful emotion and naturally one that our kind is keen to draw on for the purposes of extracting fuel. We see grief as serving two functions. Keeping you in a state of paralysis and therefore it follows that you will keep pumping out potent negative fuel for us to extract.

Now, I am not suggesting that I will embark on some kind of killing spree slaughtering your pets, taking down your favourite celebrities and murdering your friends and family, in order to create this repeated state of grief. Whilst one might see certain attractions in doing so, the effort involved and moreover the considerable downsides to such a course of action mean that it is not one that we would embark on. No, instead there is an alternative way of looking to create an enduring state of grief on your part. We want you to grieve for us.

This does not involve us taking our own lives. We rarely commit such an act. We will threaten it, certainly, as part of a hoover, but we regard the world as needing us and therefore we will extremely rarely commit suicide. We will however cause you to grieve for us and we do this when we eventually discard you after a harsh devaluation. When this discard takes place we will leave you with three losses over which you will grieve. Your grief will be prolonged because there are three losses and thus this maximises not only the prospect of paralysis but also a longer period of the provision of potent fuel.

The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were. You were seduced and swept off your feet by this charming individual who mirrored everything you liked and disliked. We ticked all the boxes, we professed to be your soulmate, we gave you a perfect love, made every day special and had you excited to see us and hear from us. We created such a wonderful start to the relationship, unlike anything that you had experienced before. We understood you, we cared, we showed you such passion, we listened and engaged in those things which you always wanted to share with someone else. We wrapped ourselves around you, permeated your very core and entwined our lives so that you were never happier and you could never comprehend a time when such delicious rapture would end. But it did and how.

The loss of something so brilliant and splendid hurts you and feels like you have suffered a bereavement so intense and painful is the experience. Even though you hear the words that it was an illusion, that none of it was real and that you need to let go, it is still so hard to accept all of that and you miss us. Oh how you miss us. You miss that wonderful person we were at the beginning and you want that person back. No matter how many times you are told that he or she was just a creation, that it was an illusion designed to fool you and that we never loved you and never meant or felt anything we said to you, it is still incredibly hard to accept. Just like someone who cannot accept that someone who has died will not walk through the door at any minute, you cannot accept for a considerable time that the person you thought we were has gone. We know what you will be thinking (because we have caused you to think and feel this way) and although we may not always see your grief-ridden response to our absence we know what you will be thinking and feeling and this fuels us. Even greater is the fuel from your messages telling us you miss us, that you want the “old me” back and begging for another chance. Your grief for loss of the person that you thought we were, is both huge and prolonged.

The second loss that you sustain and grieve for is the loss of the potential that we showed to you. There was no doubting that we were brilliant at our job. You saw the plaudits and you felt the benefit, for a time, of the accompanying pay cheque. You saw the trophies amassed for our various achievements in different fields and you heard other people speak so highly of our accomplishments. The compassion, kindness and love that we showed to you and to others (although false) still causes you to think that somewhere we are truly capable of this goodness, if only we would harness it and let it be free. You have witnessed two things. The reality of our drive to be the best and the accompanying good that such drive and ambition brings – a surgeon saving lives, a scientist inventing cures, an entrepreneur creating wealth and jobs, a policeman making the neighbourhood safer, a teacher educating so many people to a high degree – means that our rampant desire to be the best has the considerable potential to actually do good for others. You also saw something in terms of the way that we treated you and as an empathic individual you still believe that this goodness can be freed and used to both our benefits so that we are both happy together. You came to regard us as a wounded and hurt person and in conjunction with your innate desire to heal and fix, you felt that if you could heal us then the mutual benefits would be amazing. There was so much potential waiting to be unlocked and utilised and now with our departure and your discard, that potential has been lost. You grieve this loss of opportunity and how things might have turned out oh so different. You want to turn back the clock, do things differently and the inability to do so causes you considerable grief and pain.

The third area of grief which you sustain from coupling with us is not grieving over us, but it stems from being with us and that is grieving the loss of your identity. Before we came along you were happy, independent, strong, bright, well-liked by family, friends and colleagues. You had many interests and you enjoyed life. Yes, there were flaws and vulnerabilities but you handled them as best you could as you forged a path through life knowing who you were. Then we came along.

We subsumed you into us. We eradicated your characteristics as we either stole them for our own construct to show the world or we eroded them through the steady application of our vicious manipulations. Your confidence evaporated, your self-esteem disappeared and your self-worth plummeted. You became steadily isolated, losing friends, neglecting your interests and even become distant with family. You allowed yourself to be fully consumed by us. It was entirely understandable how this happened because we wanted it to happen and we acted in a manner to cause it to happen, but nevertheless your loss of identity was a steady and insidious consequence of the grip we held over you. Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. You no longer recognise that face which stares emptily at you in the mirror each morning. The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth. You have lost yourself and the sense of foolishness from allowing this to happen and the grief arising from such a loss is substantial.

This triumvirate of grief arising from entangling with us provides us with substantial fuel and we know that burdened by not just one or two, but three forms of grief, it will take you a long time, if ever, to escape the effects.

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Zero Impact

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– Recognising why emotional thinking is so powerful and the extent of its effect on you, so you know how to frame your responses to it.

The mechanisms which must be deployed to secure Zero Impact, how you create those mechanisms and apply them

How zero impact occurs as a consequence of the applied mechanisms so you understand and can gauge that it is working

Learning what happens when you have reached Zero Impact and how this benefits you

-Understanding what Zero Impact does to the narcissist

Learning how to maintain Zero Impact once achieved

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Zero Impact Asst Package


Crumbs Of Conversational Comfort

We are experts at providing crumbs of comfort. This is because it is a necessary form of manipulation which has to be utilised as part of plate-spinning activities. As a consequence of the differing fuel matrices which we create, we have a vested interest in keeping certain of our appliances ‘in the game’. Remember, we like to conserve our energy so we have more available for the carrying out of our manipulations over different appliances and therefore at certain stages in the dynamic, we do not want to be forced to apply much or all of our energies towards one appliance, leaving us deficient in respect of the others. We want to keep several people in our fuel matrix because of the need for fuel and also with one eye on what is ahead of us.

When we first seduce our appliances we invariably treat them to a banquet., a feast, a sumptuous meal at Restaurant Narc. This is no drive-thru quicky, no fizzy water and sandwich grab from a street vendor, but a Bacchanalian indulgence of several courses with no expense spared as we cause you to gorge on our largesse, our charm and our illusion. Of course this feast will vary dependent on the type of appliance that we have invited to dine with us and in order of sumptuous extravagance, the pecking order is as follows:-

  1. Candidate IPSS
  2. Embedded IPSS
  3. Shelf IPSS
  4. Dirty Secret IPSS
  5. NISS (Colleague or Friend)

Familial NISSs are already seduced by reason of familial connection. If they have been pushed out into the cold and they must be brought back into the fold, they are treated as if they are a colleague or friend NSS. Tertiary Sources are given something delicious but quick to consume and it does not matter whether they want more or not, the main thing is that what they are given in the instant works for us.

Of those categories at 1-5, the common thread is that they are all treated to a delicious, enticing and magnificent feast which draws them in. It is all impressive and gets more and impressive as one climbs the rankings. This means that the recipients get used to the extent of this feast, how amazing it tastes, how delicious it feels to be at our table and becoming full on such wonderful treats and delicacies. This is how we cultivate the addiction to us, by feeding you such sensational dishes that you keep wanting more. You become used to the sensation of being almost satiated, your senses brought to life by what we deliver and you want to keep dining with us forever and a day.

Of course these delicacies which we send your way give the appearance of being fulfilling but ultimately are not, but you do not notice and instead you want to keep tasting them and therefore once we decide that we no longer need to keep providing you with these feasts, we instead opt to give you the crumbs of comfort.

These are little reminders of what you once had, to get the tastebuds firing again, to cause the saliva to flow, to stimulate the memory of those amazing sensations so you want them all the more and with each crumb you are conned into thinking that it will lead a trail to the groaning table of scintillating tastes once more. These crumbs of comfort are designed to keep you in the game, maintain your interest, stop you losing hope, ensure that you remain bound and loyal to us. Since they are crumbs, they are low maintenance for us, hardly taking any effort or energy at all, but since you are hooked on the taste from when we seduced you, once you allow one crumb to enter your mouth, the desire returns, the memories of delicious tastes and sensations loom large and you want more. You are given another crumb, then another, just enough to keep you from looking elsewhere and just enough to ensure you remain interested in us.

The rise of technology has really caused the conversational comfort crumbs to come into their own. Whilst they can be offered on the telephone or in person, that tends to result in the narcissist being placed under more pressure and their control is eroded to some extent. Instead, most comfort crumbs will be provided through text message, through e-mail or social media message. This allows the narcissist to retain control, compose an appropriate message and it is easier to sneak out a comfort crumb via text than speak with the relevant appliance in certain scenarios.

How then might these comfort crumbs operate with the five categories of appliance detailed above?

NISS (Colleague/Friend)

The comfort crumbs for this category do not need to be used extensively because the level of expectation is not as high. The colleague or friend will only engage with the narcissist periodically and therefore if the narcissist perceives there is a risk that the relevant NISS is drifting, he can throw out a few conversational crumbs and shortly thereafter deliver the ‘meal’ again. Delivery of this meal – namely time with the narcissist – is not a major expenditure of energy since it may just be an evening every month or so, the NISS does not make extensive demands and therefore all the narcissist needs to do is send a message such as

“Not caught up for a while – let’s have lunch next week.”
“Hey, not heard from you in a while, how do you fancy a game of squash a week on Thursday”

“How are you doing? We need to catch up over drinks. Pretty bombed until the 25th, how does that suit you. 7pm yes?”

“We haven’t talked about your promotion prospects recently. Let’s have a breakfast meeting beginning of next month. Please arrange with my secretary.”

“We should look at new marketing opportunities. How about we do so over lunch in a fortnight?”

Note there is the fixing of the ‘meal’ in the future and this crumb of comfort, letting the appliance know the narcissist still values them. This crumb will draw a fuelled response, keep the appliance interested and the narcissist does not have to expend much energy through the crumb nor the eventual ‘meal’.

Dirty Secret IPSS

The Dirty Secret may be content to hold this position or may be content for the time being with an expectancy of being brought forward in the narcissist’s world, to meet friends, be seen with the narcissist in public, meet family and so forth. The DS IPSS provides frequent bursts of fuel through clandestine meetings with the narcissist and therefore the narcissist will find maintenance of this element of the fuel matrix reasonably easy because it is a short-notice demand to meet at a hotel, in a car park, in a bar and the time involved will not be extensive.

Nevertheless, if the narcissist is occupied with other appliances in his fuel matrix (usually the IPPS but possibly an IPSS and NISSs) and is not able to meet up with the Dirty Secret he does not want them going off the boil and therefore he will ensure that she is kept interested with comfort crumbs.

“Last time was amazing, I don’t know how you do it, cannot wait for the next time.”

“We have to meet soon, I am going crazy without you.”

“When we next meet I am going to treat you to an afternoon at that new hotel we were speaking about.”

“Things are hectic at the moment, but I am trying to get things boxed off so we can have at last an overnight stay together, just as I promised.”

Note how we are enthusiastic about the Dirty Secret, praising them, stating how they deserve to be treated well or given more time, but there is no commitment to when this will happen. This is because the demands of the DS are greater than the NISS and given that infidelity is taking place, the ability to commit is not as clear. The comfort crumbs will be thrown around more liberally to entice the DS but there will not be a commitment.

Shelf IPSS

It is this category of appliance which suffers the most with regards to the provision of these conversational comfort crumbs. This is because the Shelf IPSS is picked up and put down, is regarded largely in a favourable light with an extended golden period, is not often devalued (and if so it is a short lived Corrective Devaluation) and the narcissist has made a significant investment in this person and wants the return on that investment.

The narcissist does not want to lose the IPSS and have to find another but when the narcissist is spending time with a different IPSS or is engaged in spending time with the IPPS (be that devaluation or more likely a Respite Period) the relevant IPSS will be placed on the shelf. Predictably, this person will be wanting to know when they can see the narcissist when they are next getting together. They may know about the IPPS but be concerned that the narcissist is spending time with the IPPS.

Note that these comfort crumbs are not used when the narcissist is first seducing this person to make them an IPSS but they are used when the IPSS is placed on the shelf and is angling to see more of the narcissist. The narcissist will use a vast array of conversational comfort crumbs with the IPSS – some will use charm, some seek sympathy or pity, other seeks understanding and others threaten. Examples will include

“Really busy at work at present, but I will call as soon as I am free.”

“Tied up with the children, so will be in touch tomorrow.”

“Schedule is packed for the next ten days,. I am dying to see you but we will just have to be patient.”

“I will tell her but now is not the right time, her father is ill and this has to be done properly, I know you will agree because you are understanding and I thank you for that.”

“I just need to get these next few weeks out of the way and then we can be together. There is no point in rushing it and causing more trouble than necessary is there?”

“I cannot make it tonight. I have to go to this family dinner. I wish you were coming with me though.”

“Look, there is no point getting worked up about this now, I am in the middle of a huge deal. I cannot talk. I have told you this and why are you risking fucking it all up? I said I will sort it and I will, but you have to give me time.”

“When I get through this period we will have a weekend away. I promise. You know it is you that I want, but I need to know I can count on you at this difficult time.”

“You know I have always delivered and the one time where I am under pressure, you start adding to it. I did not think you were like that. Look, I will check my schedule and make some time for us. Let me do that and we can have a good talk when we see one another.”

“Every night I lie there thinking about you and when we can finally be together.”

“I cannot wait for the time I come home and find you there waiting for me. I know we will make it happen together.”

“If you tell her about us, I will never speak to you again and you and only you will bring down this wonderful thing that you and I have together. Please do not do that, you will destroy me and destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Once again these comfort crumbs come with no set time for delivery, no firm and definite time periods but they are designed to keep the IPSS hanging on. There are thousands of different ways that they are phrased and it is the IPSS who finds themselves in the role of Permanently In Waiting, kept interested from these crumbs but never finding their way to the table again, either at all or for some time.

Sometimes there might be a pile of crumbs provided whereby the narcissist engages in a telephone call or skype call instead of meeting up. This will be used to maintain interest, gain fuel and exert control.

The comfort crumb is used as a benign method of control because the narcissist does not want to use harsh and malign methods of asserting control for fear of losing a valuable appliance.

The Embedded IPPS

The comfort crumbs operate in a different way with the embedded IPPS. None of course are needed during their seduction or their embedded stage of the golden period. They will see plenty of the narcissist then.

The comfort crumbs will be doled out during the devaluation of the IPPS for the purposes of keeping them in place so that more negative fuel can be extracted whilst the narcissist works on prospective Candidate IPSSs (either finding them or seducing them).

It is likely (although not always the case) that the IPPS will live with the narcissist and therefore the comfort crumbs will be linked to finding a way to sort things out, achieving a resolution and such like.

“I think we need to sit down and talk things through when things are less hectic.”

“We can sort this mess out. I am determined to do so, but it has to be done at the right time.”

“I just want things to be the way they were.”

“I want us to resolve these problems, but there are too many distractions at the moment. Let me know when we can do this.”

“I will talk to you about our problems but now is not a good time. You know how busy I am with work.”

“We have to see what can be done, but you need to make some changes first for me to see before I can consider how me move forward.”

Again these are vague and amorphous and are designed to be. There is no true intent to resolve the issues but instead these comfort crumbs are provided to enable the victim to think that resolution (something an empathic person relies on and hopes for) is achievable and that the golden period can be returned to.

The Candidate IPSS

The Candidate IPSS is not given comfort crumbs because this appliance is in the ascendancy towards being crowned as IPPS and therefore they will be subjected to the bombardment that is love-bombing.

What have been your crumbs of comfort from the narcissist you entangled with?

 

The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 1

every-dayspent-with-memeans-anotherpart-ofyour-heartdies

The heart of an empath is treasured by our kind. Whilst our own hearts are black and iced, the heart of the empath radiates with fuel. It is capable of love, desire, admiration, compassion, concern, hurt and so many other emotions which radiate from it. The empathic heart is a veritable fuel pump and as such is coveted by us. It has so much more to it than that which we have in our hearts. We are envious of this but recognise how such a heart is there to serve us and cater for our needs.

You, as an empathic individual, also have one further major difference between your heart and ours.

Yours is free.

Your heart is free to choose who it engages with. Who it falls in love with, who it wishes to show joy to, who it wishes to share its innermost desires and secrets with. It is free to show its pain to those that it chooses.

We are jealous of that freedom. Our desire to receive the bountiful fuel which is pumped from you by this delicious heart brings with it our desire to capture it and prevent you exercising this freedom any further.

Our dark hearts are bound to the venom that flows through us, to the vitriol which we spray over those around us and the adherence to hatred, envy, fury and other such dark emotions. Our hearts know no such freedom like yours. The nature of our hearts is that they are pre-ordained in how they will function.

In capturing your heart for the purposes of fuel, we also desire to capture your heart to take away this freedom that you have and the absolute method of removing this freedom is to bring about the effective ‘death’ of your heart.

We are insidious agents, proponents of the salami-slicing approach which enables us to secure our aims through a thousand deft and delicate cuts so that you never notice what is actually happening. We are no different in this modus operandi when it comes to the ‘killing’ of your heart. The death of your heart is effected through the removal of its freedom.

Each and every day we advance our cause to gain fuel and to secure the bondage of your heart, little by little, as we strip it of its freedom. Through the dazzling love-bombing we invade it, taking it piece by piece so that it belongs to us. We permeate your life through our compliments, our apparent love, our fabricated passion for you, our illusory desire as you are gradually over run and conquered. With each passing day as we unleash our charm on you, our legions of text messages, our battalions of telephone conversations and the marching foot soldiers of love, we take a piece of your heart and capture it. Thus a part of it has effectively ‘died’ since it has lost that free will.

Of course, entirely consistent with the notion of romance that you have been indoctrinated with, the capture of your heart in such a way is regarded as a wonderful thing. You are  regarding this capture as one which is healthy, respectful and you do not recognise that it has been predicated on a false premise.

Once we have you embedded your heart is ours. It has been captured. You no longer are afforded the choice of where your emotions can be directed. They must be directed towards us and us alone for the purposes of our fuel provision. The onslaught continues as having captured your heart, we then set about our scorched earth approach through devaluation as our despicable manipulations and horrid machinations are deployed against you for the purposes of maintaining the occupation of your heart and the total hegemonic control of its emotional output.

We captured the good – the love, the admiration, the compassion, the happiness, the joy and so forth.

Now we capture the bad – the pain, the hurt, the fear, the terror, the hatred and all other negative emotions.

Little by little, day by day, we invade your heart and occupy it, making it ours, commandeering its emotional resources for our own use and in so doing we strip away its ability to function in a free manner.

The removal of this freedom is how your heart dies when you are with us.

This happens on a daily basis as we slowly cause your heart to ‘die’ through our polluted control of you.

The Narcissist and Threats

 

threats

Narcissists use threats. They are part of the manipulative armoury that we possess. Do all narcissists use them, if so, is there any difference between the schools of narcissist? What are the purposes of the threats? What is the aim of the narcissist in using a threat? What should you be looking out for? How worried should you be?

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser Narcissist does not use threat extensively. Where the Lesser Narcissist does so, the nature of the threat will be rudimentary and sledgehammer in nature and moreover if a threat is issued then if it is to be executed it will occur pretty soon after the issuing of the threat.

Like all forms of manipulation, we use manipulations in order to exert control over you and primarily to gain fuel. There may be the acquisition of residual benefits (e.g. payment of money, use of equipment, keeping quiet about something) also.

Our need for control is absolute. Constant and utterly necessary. This applies across all schools but manifests in different ways.

This need for control is all about the instant, the here and the now. It is not about last week and it is not about in a month’s time. This is why most manipulations must be instantaneous and why (save for the Greater) they are instinctive and not calculated.

With regard to the Lesser Narcissist, his repertoire of manipulations is the narrowest and the least sophisticated. It is hallmarked by verbal violence, physical and sexual violence and destruction of property. Other manipulations (for example silent treatments, triangulation, word salad and so forth ) are indeed used but are rudimentary in their appearance and application.

All narcissists face two control threats.

  1. Wounding. This causes the ignition of fury which is an instinctive response hard-wired into us. The Lesser will respond usually with heated fury, The Mid Ranger usually with cold fury and the Greater with either albeit the Greater is able to keep the fury response under control in many instances ( thus marking the difference between the Greater and other narcissists); and
  2. The issuing of Challenge Fuel.

In either of these instances, the narcissist will respond with a manipulative response.

Accordingly, in the instance of the Lesser, what is the instinctive response to the need to address this control issue when it comes to the question of issuing threats.

The Lesser does not use threat extensively. This is because he needs a quick fix to the issue of control AND he does not have much in the toolbox to address this issue of control. The lower cognitive function, the lowest control threshold on ignited fury and the Lesser’s toolkit containing mainly heated fury responses results in threat not being the most effective response for the Lesser.

Threat will be used, but infrequently and will appear in such forms as

You had better come home now or I will beat the shit out of you.

You had better stay in tonight you bitch or I will whip your sorry ass.

I am going to smash your face in you ugly fucker.

You had better do as I say or I will slash your tyres.

Note the nature of these threats – verbal insult, physical violence and/or damage to property. They are not sophisticated.

The Lesser will make good on the threat if he or she can do in the immediacy of issuing the threat. Accordingly, if you are trying to go out for an evening with friends and the Lesser decrees that you had better stay in or he will whip your sorry ass and he tells you this as he stands in the bedroom as you are getting ready there also, he will move to execute the threat if you do not back down and become compliant. Accordingly, any threat which is made to you when the Lesser is physically proximate to you presents a clear and real danger. If you are able to remove yourself physically you should do so, if not, you should aim to back down (allowing the narcissist to gain control) so the need for the execution of the threat subsides. If you wound (by making to leave) or issue further Challenge Fuel (‘I am going out you fat slob and you cannot stop me), you can expect the threat to be executed.

If the narcissist is not physically proximate then the likelihood of the threat will reduce. If he is 100 yards away and has telephoned you or messaged you issuing the threat, you can expect a high risk of execution of the threat BUT if the Lesser Narcissist cannot actually get to you (and/or your property) or has to travel some distance to execute the threat (say drive across town) then the likelihood of the threat being executed will be reduced considerably. If necessary, report the threat (particularly if it is contained in credible evidence (someone impartial witnessed it or it is written or recorded). However, the Lesser is far less likely to execute the threat because:-

  1. Lesser’s prefer (instinctively) to expend the least amount of resource and therefore having to do so to execute the threat means it is less likely to be executed;
  2. Their need for fuel means they will seek it from a closer appliance rather than (instinctively) risk no fuel and wounding by trying to get to you when it is difficult to do so.

Accordingly, a Lesser is far more likely to just do something (hit you, smash things up, insult you) than issue a threat. Where a threat is issued expect its execution within a very short time thereafter and if it has not been executed within that time frame it is highly unlikely to be executed. The Lesser will have turned to an alternative appliance and exerted control over you by not engaging with you further, thus withdrawal is an assertion of control. The fuel issue is met by an alternative appliance. Thus your participation in the need for control and fuel becomes redundant – until the next occasion you cause wounding or issue Challenge Fuel.

Thus, expect the Lesser to act immediately. Threats are not often used and if they are action will either follow soon after or not at all. The threat will not be subtle, it will be brutal and obvious. The lack of façade management and rudimentary approach also means that the Lesser (where threat is used) will invariably allow you an opportunity to gather useful evidence to use against the Lesser within the forum of legal proceedings.

The Mid Range Narcissist

The Mid Range Narcissist is the greatest user of threat. It is used often, it may be grandiose in nature, it may be subtle and lack specificity and often contains with it plausible deniability. It often is issued through the application of a third party. Examples would include

You should make sure you come back home because if you don’t I am going to tell all your friends about how you have been mis-treating me.

Bad things happen to people who cross me.

I am going to make your life hell, little lady.

If you don’t do it, I will post those pictures of you so your kids see them.

You should know better than to mess with someone like me. I am dangerous.

That was not very clever. You should watch your back from now on.

Nobody does that to me. I will make you pay.

I am going to get the police onto you for what you have done.

If you don’t give me my possessions back I will tell your parents and what will they think of their little angel then?

 

Note in those examples the lack of specifics in many of them. That is a very Mid Range trait. The Mid Range Narcissist’s grandiosity is such that he wants to cultivate the image of being some manipulative mastermind but there is no actual evidence of them ever having done so and they are unable to state precisely what it is that they will do. Some Mid Range Narcissists claim to be the puppeteering Svengali but when you try to gain specifics about how they operate in this way they will be woefully short on any detail. You are misled into thinking they know what they are, but they do not know. They do not know they are Mid Range, they think they are a Greater and they are not.

Mid Range Narcissists very rarely execute threats. Here is why :-

  1. For the MRN, the power of this manipulation is in the threat not its execution;
  2. Execution takes effort, energy and balls. MRN want to save effort, conserve energy and they have small, shrivelled balls because they are passive, aggressive cowards;
  3. Whilst the execution of a threat is not pleasant, once it has been executed the power has gone. The MRN instinctively knows this. By keeping the threat hanging over you, it is far more powerful.
  4. The lack of specifics works in the MRN’s favour. Again this is instinctive and it causes considerable fear in the victim because this lack of knowledge as to what might happen sends paranoia and fear into overdrive (heightened by emotional thinking) and thus makes it more effective.
  5. Façade management. The MRN believes themselves to be a decent person and therefore by not acting on the threat, the façade is more likely to be preserved.
  6. Wariness of legal transgression. Although the MRN’s sense of entitlement and lack of accountability means he or she believes himself to be above the law and their actions are always justified, their increased cognitive function means that they have an instinctive awareness that issuing blunt threats and carrying out any threats would have negative consequences (damage to façade, interruption to fuel matrix etc – again all instinctively known).
  7. Grandiosity. The MRN likes to think that he is some dark Macchiavellian character and this lends itself to issuing amorphous and grand sounding threats, which are in fact empty.

Again whilst you should always treat a threat seriously and report it if you have independent credible evidence. Note that if you do not have independent evidence the MRN, operating with a façade, some charm and higher cognitive function will, when challenged about the threat on a he said/she said basis :-

  1. Deny it (First Line of the Narcissist’s Defence);
  2. Blameshift by accusing you of being the troublemaker.
  3. Deflect. Suggest that you have made it up, misunderstood, misheard and utilise plausible deniability.
  4. Capitalise on your emotional state if you are presenting in an upset, frazzled ranting manner. The narcissist will invariably be calm and feign horror at such an accusation.
  5. Roll out the façade – rely on their pillar of the community status, friendship with the mayor, standing as a well-regarded professional and use Lieutenants and the Coterie to support this and undermine you making future complaints all the more difficult for you to progress.

You should not waste precious time and energy worrying about a threat from a Mid Range Narcissist being carried out. They are far more likely to want to keep the threat alive. However, never call their bluff as this is Challenge Fuel and might just tip the balance so the necessity of control DEMANDS a move from threat to execution. You are better served reporting it and not reacting directly to it and certainly do not waste time worrying about it. Remember, the aim of the threat is to gain control and fuel. If you do not provide fuel, you do not offer any further challenge then the narcissist will be forced to seek fuel elsewhere and the need for the exertion of control will pass.

The Greater Narcissist

The Greater Narcissist does not issue threats.

We execute instead and invariably quite some time later and out of left field so you do not even realise what has happened.

We do not forewarn you. That hands you power and control and we must not do that.

Instead, we know that you know what we are capable of. We let you create the threats in your mind instead. That is powerful in itself, completely deniable and highly effective and then when you think the risk has passed we carry out the act.

Our ability to control ignited fury means we can seek fuel elsewhere and log your transgression so that retribution is visited at a later juncture.

(If you require assistance in understanding threats issued by an individual, how you should respond and what might happen, this is something I repeatedly address for people through consultations – do use the links below)

Narc Detector Consultation

E-Mail Consultation

Audio Consultation

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 56

ICARUS LETTER

 

My heart aches for you every minute of the day.  I still love you with all of my heart and soul.  You are the sun and I am Icarus. Though I know going back to you over and over again, I am begging to be lied to, used, devalued and discarded.  Because even before I knew what you were, I knew in my heart that this relationship was not a good thing.  Your love engulfed me and consumed me…your constant text messages, your declarations  of love, your words…so powerful, sweet and soothing made me as a lonely woman feel needed, sexy, Desired and beautiful.  You asked me to do so many things that were totally out of my character, like taking sexy or nude pictures, phone sex and sexting, which I had never heard of, putting money on your books, gifts and cards.
Considering myself a logic and intelligent woman, I never thought that this could happen to me in a million years.  On a drunken lonely night I posted an ad on Craig’s List for one hour, where many people responded wanting to satisfy my loneliness and quench the thirst of desire.  In my sober mess, I took the ad down and rebutted all responders.  All back away except you.
You were persistent in telling me that you just needed a friend and someone to talk to.  I also needed a friend and thought this would be perfect…a friend that I would never meet, so I would never betray my marriage to my best friend.  Oh, but you had other plans for me that went far beyond friendship.  You succeeded in you quest to steal my heart with no intention of ever loving me the way that I deserved.
After stealing my heart, that’s when the true test of my love for you began….you told me you were in prison for a 25 year sentence…..my love persisted, you told me that you were married after a year of loving you, my love persisted, then the money, the picture, phone sex, the triangulation……my love persisted.  All the face book pages with all of the female friends, many barely with clothes…my love persisted.  I continue to run from you attempting no contact….it hurts to stay, it hurts to go….I am Icarus and you are the sun.
The last time we spoke, I said I love you.  You response was ” I know baby, I know”.  I said goodbye for for the 100th time, vowing to never return.  Your response, ” why do you keep lying to yourself, you will be back”. When we speak, there is no new or intelligent conversation – we talk about your wife and how you must manage everything from prison because she is not smart enough, we talk about your son who is also in prison following in your foot step, though you claim you raised him from prison, you and your wife get your grand daughter every week, though she is free and your are behind bars, your promises of getting paroled soon so you can choke me, kiss me, cum down my neck and rape me until I call your name. Or we have phone sex or you need money.  I am determined to GOSO this time my love, because , the longer I remain here, the more you will hurt me and we come from two different worlds.  Our ideas of love have two different meaning which is not good for me. When we are together, I lose more and more of myself. When we are together I feel insane….loving someone who was never mine to love.  I lose all sense of self and there is only you and no me.  I am Icarus and you are the sun that will burn me alive and move onto the next victim.
Codependent Icarus – GOSO.