A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 42

 

LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -PRINCESS A'S LETTER

You say you miss me. That’s not really true though is it?  You only said that to get what you wanted. And I let you have it. But this time I knew exactly what you were doing.

And that’s what you say to all of them isn’t it?  That you miss them, that you adore them.  Some days I beat myself up for falling for these lies, for allowing myself to get involved with you knowing you were married. But back then I didn’t know about love-bombing or future faking. I thought you were genuine, that you cared for me.   The fact that you were on your third marriage should have been a warning, but your words suggested that in me you had found ‘the one’.

I was blinded in my need for love and affection, especially after being left heartbroken by a man who had decided he was in love with someone else after knowing her for two weeks and did not want me anymore despite being together for 7 years.  That’s why I accepted your invitation for coffee after you left a note on my computer screen to wish me a happy birthday.

I had liked you even before then, there was something about that I found attractive, but I would never have made the first move and I was shaking like a leaf the very first time we met for coffee.  I never thought I would end up being with you.  I poured my heart out to you and you provided the shoulder to cry on.  I would have been happy with your friendship only. But you had a masterplan didn’t you? To lure me in, to get me hooked on you so that eventually I would fall into bed with you.  My heartbreak was the perfect scenario for you.  I know now that this is your modus operandi when ensnaring women– test the waters by asking about their marriages or relationships.  If everything is less than hunky dory, well you might get your foot in the door.

Invest time over coffees and lunches, get the compliments flowing, get her number, text and message nonstop. How l looked forward to your texts every day, to spending what little time you could give me together.  I fell in love with you, and you knew that.  Your marriage was a perfect excuse to not hang around.  I see that now, but at the time I never questioned it or asked for anything. I was just so happy to be with you. And then slowly things started to change. I saw a different side of you, a callous side that dismissed your wife’s illness, wishing her dead.  You left your wife bewildered when you told her you were divorcing her.  Little did I know that by then you were busy seducing someone else. But I found out.  You even told me her name -S.  Did you play the knight in shining armour with her, there for her in her unhappy marriage?  Was it unhappy before you came along?

You have made me feel so worthless, but I don’t think you care.  You didn’t care about your wife, you don’t care about me and you don’t care about S either as you continued to be intimate with me.  Surely if you loved her as I heard you tell her on the phone, you would not still want to be with me? Does she know about me?  I bet not. Does she know you are trying to ensnare other women?  I bet not.

When someone you love dies, your heart hurts, you grieve, you miss them but you know they are never coming back. There is finality in their death.  With you there is no finality, no closure, because you cannot be honest about what you have done and what you continue to do.  Why can you not tell me why you do what you do? What are you scared of?  If you were just open with me, talked to me, I might be able to understand, that perhaps you cannot help yourself.

I want to forget you, but I can’t.  There is something in me that wants justice for the pain you have caused, and that’s why you are always in my head.

I never asked you for anything. I would have given you everything.  The love I had for you is gone, I’m pretty sure.  Occasionally I feel sorry for you, but because you have not one iota of shame or remorse for the way you have used and treated all of us, mostly I hate you. You are nothing but a man whore. You are empty and rotten on the inside.

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292 Comments

  1. LG, as someone who has been a DLS I would like to tell you that I understand where you are coming from. I adored my ex-narc. Adored him. And I decided to break it off ‘cold turkey’. I knew it had to be done and I did it. I disappeared. Moved, changed my phone number, dyed my hair a different colour, threw sheets and towels away.
    I cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For weeks.The pain was so strong that I was feeling it in my body. It was sharp, intense, overwhelming. But believe me (and the other readers): it does get better with time. It’s like quitting a drug, it really is. Withdrawal symptoms are almost unbearable at first, but they fade, eventually.

    Also, your feelings are VALID. The pain, the frustration, the rage, the bewilderment (and whatever else it is that you are feeling now) are VALID and understandable. I will not preach, or tell you that you have to find a good man, with good values and respect yourself – no offence to anyone. I understand that the advice was given in good faith, but I don’t think it did LG any good – and it probably came across as condescending.

    Anyway, remember: as HG has said, NO CONTACT is key. KEY!!!!!!!

    Give yourself time to process the grief (that is necessary), be patient AND STAY AWAY FROM THE GUY. Accept that you will suffer before you get better. No shortcut here, sorry. You will have to endure some pain.
    There is nothing good for you to be achieved giving the narc ‘a piece of your mind’ or complaining about the injustice of it all. Who cares LG. Think about yourself. YOU come first. You CAN rebuild yourself and your life. Show yourself what you are capable of!!!!! One day you will look back and feel strong and proud.

    1. EMP – Thank you for your validation. Yes, some things being said here sound harsh. All this is only recent and fresh for me so one needs time.

      Why did you decide to disappear?

      1. Because I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.
        One day I woke up and thought: “I’m not wasting any more time on this. It’s over”.

  2. You are right HG my own ET must be up a bit well it sort of is but not like last week thankfully

  3. Dear LG

    HG is correct in his observation

    I am just giving my opinion based on what you wrote here I was incorrect that he is a lesser HG is the only one that can give you a definite answer
    I’m glad you consulted with him

    Now if you can every time you start asking WHY read here
    Play HG at night before you sleep
    You need to shift your focus away from the narc

    To protect yourself lock down your email and set up a new one

    If he bought you anything get rid of it now

    Do not look him up online

    Do not obsess as this will make you weaker

    There are NO WHYs honey he is a Narcissist

    It’s ok to cry get upset do this but never let the narc know how you are feeling EVER🦋

    Kiki

    1. Kiki – I just replied to FYC saying that I seem to be incapable to accept that narcissists operate differently so I keep applying my views on how I would think the narcissist should behave. And I keep making that mistake – telling this guy how I feel.

      Today I just remembered how back in October when he hung up on me and told me it was over, that we would never talk or meet again and then I blocked him, I sent an email to him with many of the things I thought he was (sociopath, lacking empathy, remorse and so much more….all the observations I had made). This was the first time I was telling him this. He very calmly replied to me and said “I understand you are hurt and need a scapegoat. All good with me”.

      1. LG

        never ever expose your feelings to him

        WhyYour feelings are fuel the more intense the better
        Telling him what he is doesn’t work he will switch it back on you and say you are crazy

        Your feelings will swing all over the place for awhile that is normal and ok but you alone are the only one that can help yourself with this

        Notice how you really feel I bet it ranges from hate rage and disgust to missing him and sadness
        Sit through the feelings let them come but remember this is not love for him it simply loss of something you thought was right

        Your logic will start coming out once you self soothe

        1. Logic will come when your ET lowers and that will ONLY happen by imposing and sticking to no contact.

          1. Yes HG I agree but the feelings can be like a tsunami for awhile if she is freshly broken hearted these feelings will be amplified
            It’s a process of grieving

            Yes no contact is the only way I’m just trying to get LG to centre herself and not to become overwhelmed when it hits

            Kiki

          2. She’s already overwhelmed by her ET. If she tackles that the commensurate emotional avalanche will also reduce.

  4. Lost the last batch of posts/reply options to those… but fair point at 18:06, NA…

    I was forever making excuses about the G’s pathological jealousy (“He’s older”/”He’s protective,” yada yada) — that excuse-making must have driven my friends bananas.

    *** My auto-correct kept wanting to turn “yada” into “Yoda.” Yep, Yoda surely could have helped me during that time. Lol

  5. HG – One thing is what I should do and another what I am capable of doing. I am sure you are all right here. The fight between what my heart says and what my head tells me goes beyond. I say “yes, it is not normal, it is crazy, he is an asshole. HG told me he is a narcissist, etc” and then I go “I need to talk to him, I miss him and if only could we solve this”.

    1. LG, you are in a place where we have ALL been to one degree or another. It’s why HG writes about it. It’s why he does consultations. These circular conversations and “best of”/“worst of” loops will play over and over until you decide to take control. You ARE capable of doing it. See yourself from a position of strength, not weakness. You’ve got this. Consult and let HG put you on the fast track to freedom. Don’t allow yourself to settle for less.

    2. You know what’s fun ? NOT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS.

      He’s an asshole. If he wasn’t an asshole you wouldn’t be you wouldn’t be on HG Tudors site and paying for consultations

      NORMAL PPL DONT MAKE YOU GOOGLE THEIR BEHAVIOUR TO FIGURE THEM OUT ( lol that’s one of my own personal boundaries I came up with )
      You just been mindfucked so long (maybe your whole life , I dunno) that you think this is ok or normal

      It’s not

      There’s a life after this shit
      GOSO

      1. “Normal people don’t make you google their behaviour to figure them out.” we need that on a sticky note.

  6. LG hoovering will come later down the line but that is not your worry now

    You need to vanish from that mans life in all ways

    I mean it kindly

    Kiki

    1. Kiki – but why do you say he expects me to contact him?

      I did a few weeks ago and this is what I got:

      I called him to see if we could talk about things and he said that he is not interested in talking to me and hung up.

      Then I received a text saying: “don’t you dare calling again after sending your Nazi email to my daughter or I will nail your dirty hide to the wall”.

      I told him that this was a physical threat I could use as proof. Immediately he said “really??? are you still in this country? because if you are, the lawyer I contacted will do the job for me. The nazi email was your mistake. Even if you are hiding out in your country it will work, it just will take a bit longer”. At the end he said “I will however find out if you are still here only to learn if it will take weeks or months to get the laswsuit going.”

      Is this expecting me to contact him? hmmmm

      And the hoover will come later? For this one I am more than dead, blacker than black. He will never hoover me.

      1. Dear LG

        I know this may not make sense now but trust me .

        The reason he was so nasty is he KNOWS you wanted to talk ,missed him etc .You are available and making him feel like Gods gift to the female population by contacting him.
        His ego is now bursting with his own self importance .

        I feel you are too early in your healing to absorb the full impact of everything here and narcissism I was the same .So little steps might be best .
        You need something positive to grasp to .Something to make YOU feel better.

        You are not dead to him , you are very lucky you came here and I promise in a few months you will see this through a very different lens.

        Now flip it in your mind , at the moment HE is dead to you .
        Switch this back on him .

        Say this every time you get urges to make contact or miss him

        I deserve a man who will fight for me .

        Let him off with the other one ,God help her.

        This bastards ego needs to be deflated and you have the power to do that .Believe me you have .

        You will flip between hating him ,missing him and pining know this is normal and natural .
        It will come in waves of sometimes very contradictory emotions.
        This is okay it is needed for healing ,it sucks I know .

        Avoid checking him up online
        Avoid looking at pics
        Stop listening to all music for awhile

        I had to replace my phone as it had to much association with him and I grew to hate the sight of my phone.

        You have so much to learn sweet LG but stay here you will get there
        You must read as many of HGs articles as possible ,

        Kiki

        1. Kiki – he reason why I contacted him a few weeks back is because I wanted my job back. I feel I made a mistake by leaving that job. Not only did I lose him but I also lost my job. I resigned myself and I am regretting it. He himself gave me time to think before I left my job, told me not to rush things and he was right in that because now I have no job and the reason I accepted it when he offered it to me is because I had not job. I did not want to talk anything personal but just the job. That is when he replied saying don’t dare call me or I will nail your dirty hide on the wall……”

          1. Forget that job

            You are best away from all this horror

            I’m guessing this job wasn’t a professional job you got yourself so fuck it not worth the hassle

            Never depend on ANY man for jobs etc
            You now go and seek a new job for YOU something you do for yourself will always feel better and build your self worth up
            Always guard your own independence finances and identity in this world or a man can take it all just like that

            Kiki

        2. Kiki – you say I am not dead to him but how? if I wasn’t dead he would talk to me, he would contact me and at the very least he would listen to what I have to say. If he is clearly telling me “don’t dare call me again” that is being more than dead, that is not wanting to know I exist and he even said “I would love to keep it that way” when I told him that he knows nothing about my life. It is crystal clear I am dead. Please, can you explain how I am not dead to him? I am lost

          1. He’s in the golden period with his new target and wants nothing to do with you. You’re messing it up. He wishes you were dead just at this moment . Just cuz you’re effing up what he’s onto and bugging him. You’re worthless right now. Just go away , is basically what he wants.
            He’ll be back to hoover eventually but HG would say take this opportunity to disappear off the map and get a head start on your healing (amiright HG?)

          2. Wokeaf – I just can’t understand the “he will hoover eventually”. Why will he? Will he?

          3. He will hoover. Whether it succeeds depends on how effective your no contact regime is.

            Forget about him. Focus on your no contact regime. If you do not do this, you will fail to move forward and you WILL remain confused, bewildered and hurting. You cannot control him – you can control you.

          4. What is the hoover about? Yes, I sort of know what hoovering is but which kind of things can you expect when he hoovers? him contacting or doing what? not sure.

            I don’t want anything personal with him.l I just wanted my job back

          5. The hoover is primarily to gain fuel, possibly character traits and possibly residual benefits.

            Do not concern yourself with why he is hoovering you, you will not be able to apply the understanding because your emotional thinking is too high. The ONLY thing you need to focus on is no contact, nothing else.

          6. When he needs fuel.
            Could be next week or in ten years
            It’s not even personal . You’re a source of fuel. That’s it.
            Consult with HG
            Read his work
            Listen and re listen to his YouTube videos.
            And defin buy ebooks on kindle .those really are helpful
            And if and when you actually want to get over him,, stay total NC

            In time it’ll all start to make sense.

            Consider yourself lucky you are t married to him or have kids.Youre FREE. That’s a gift.

          7. You are always an appliance to him He can put you down or throw you back in the box when it suits HIM
            This has nothing to do with your worth as a woman please believe that
            The other one is not better etc she is just more fuel
            Guess what most likely he has a few other women in the woodwork also
            You are not seeing her get the fairytale and you tossed to the side that is an illusion
            Do you know what narcs are very predictable once you learn
            Validate yourself now take care of you treat yourself
            stay here and READ HG he is the one capable of helping you most
            If you need to vent talk ask questions that are highly emotional myself and the Ladies are here to help there

            I can see you want a Hoover please read HG s work about this A Hoover doesn’t mean he cares it’s about him his ego

            I’m not sure of article name but HG posted it a few days ago about an ex contacting him and the brutal mindset of a narc

            It’s I remember the name

            Kiki

          8. Because he is a narcissist and a very vile charmless one at that

            Kiki

      2. LG he loves all this drama , a normal person would just chalk it up to you being hurt .

        It’s all low class threats and Bullshit .Does he not have better things to attend to.

        Yes yes yes he is expecting you to contact , he sees you as a weakling crazy about him .Remember he is Gods gift to women.
        Of course he is expecting

        what he doesn’t expect is LG to vanish .

        This however may trigger a Hoover so be on guard this is NOT a good thing .

        Kiki

        1. Kiki – when you say “he loves all this drama , a normal person would just chalk it up to you being hurt .” what you mean is that he should (if he were a normal person) know all this is because I am hurt, right?

          I tried to explain to him, despite having thrown me out of the office in the way he did, that I realised that I miss my job and that I need one. I explained to him how he was right in that I would regret leaving my job but I explained too that at the time I couldn’t make it because of what he had done to me personally. I explained that my retaliation calling him nazi and other things like I knew he is a sociopath, etc copying his daughter in the email was a consequence of the way he threw me out of the office and humiliated me in public when he could have told me to go but in private.

          Not only did he reply saying the comment about nailing my hide on the wall if I dare call him again but when I said I could use that violent comment as proof he said straight away “really, are you in this country still or hiding out in your country? ” “because I have contacted my lawyer and she will do the work for me”. He added “now it makes sense that story you told me about your previous relationship” (this was a relationship where the guy lied to me big time too) and he barely knew what had happened in it, he just wanted to use this relationship to hurt me even more. I told you that he knows nothing about me or my relationships. He then said “and I would love to keep it that way”. Every sentence he wrote was breaking my heart more and more. Then he said “I will stop writing now, however I will find out if you are here or in your country just to know if the lawsuit will take a few weeks or a few months”

          I told him I don’t want anything personal with him anymore, that I am not interested, that I only wanted my job back.

          1. LG he is bluffing

            He won’t do anything all you did was send an email
            Not the best idea but it’s done

            Lawsuit yeah right just ignore this it’s rubbish

            Just disappear
            I’m not the expert but he sounds like a Lesser Narc to me due to his low class crass behaviour not an ounce of charm there

            To say those things to you was disgusting

            Kiki

          2. Kiki – HG told me he is Upper Mid Range Somatic
            I just got quite upset about someone else’s comments here telling me he will do a restraining order, killing or violence

          3. Focus on your no contact regime. You are failing to action this, hence why you are getting upset.

          4. LG: You are still trying to apply your world view on a narcissist. This man is personality disordered. He can only view the world through his distorted lens. He is motivated solely by serving his own desires and he does NOT and will NEVER care, whatsoever, about your needs or desires. Full stop. It is time to move on.

            Do not contact him further. Work on accepting he never meant anything he said. No matter what you did, or said, or do, or say, NOTHING will change the outcome to a favorable conclusion.

            Get Out. Move near someone who cares and will be supportive (even if that is out of country). Stay Out. Never contact him again. When you feel the urge to reach out to the past, contact HG our the blog instead. We are here for you, but you must do the hard part. When we delay GOSO, we delay healing. Please GOSO today.

          5. FYC – I think you are very right and that is a big problem for me, i.e. I am applying my world view on the narcissist. I don’t seem to be able to accept or I am not capable to even imagine for one minute that someone can be careless, heartless, emotionless, lacking empathy and being so evil. This is alien to me and thinking that there are people like this out there is nearly impossible for me to accept.

          6. Apply No Contact. You’re failing to do so. Until YOU apply no contact these feelings won’t diminish.

          7. That’s really the bottom-line truth: no contact, to lower the emotional thinking. It’s hard to even think clearly/process/begin any healing otherwise.

            Everyone is being so kind & trying so hard to help LG, but maybe she’s on “information overload.” Or maybe I am, Lol

            In any case, I will shushy up now…I mean *now* I will (my quiet will start soon… wait for it, wait for it…) ;-)

          8. I agree with you, Caroline. I think we may be overloading LG.
            I gave her some links to articles that may help her,and hope she will read and absorb the information at her own pace.

          9. LG
            Well now you know there are. HG has confirmed that there are and that he is himself one, and we all here have confirmed that there are and we have experienced it. I think what you mean is that you cannot believe that it happened to you. Well it did, and the sooner you accept that and take HG’s and everyone else’s advice to have no further contact with this abuser, your recovery can begin. You do want that don’t you?

          10. LG: Yet you must accept the truth. Your happiness depends upon it and you do not want to waste your life living a lie. It will be difficult at first, but you will grow and be very glad you did. It is far better to live in the real world than try to conform the world to your fantasies and be consistently disappointed. You deserve better, LG. Accept the facts and move on. GOSO, and you will find the fulfillment you seek when you do not seek it in another who will NEVER give it. Note: I mean never as in, not possible, no matter what you say or do, no matter what he says or does, nor what you hope for. NOT possible. Not ever. That kind of never. ;-)

      3. Lg many of the Ladies here have given advice .
        Now I do get that some of us are much further along in our healing and have been here studying HGs works for awhile .

        It is easy to look in and see this for the cruel horrible situation it is .

        However I do see it from your perspective , you were in this ,you believed you were important to this man , it’s fresh , you slept with him and probably fell for him in some way .Your heart is broken it doesn’t matter whether he was a narc your heart is still broken .
        That is okay , your emotions are running high and you are a bit in denial I think .

        That is the reason you reached out ,sent emails etc because you have a broken heart and wanted validation that you meant something.

        You are at the beginning ,the hardest time .
        I want you to focus on you .
        Journaling helps write all the rage down all the feelings .
        Vent here ,believe me I do this a lot here .

        I’m not going to tell you get over it , you cannot AT THE MOMENT ,but you can apply damage control to protect your already shredded self esteem .

        Promise you will stay no contact for now.

        Kiki

  7. Caroline – you stated “It doesn’t surprises me that he’s a Mid-Ranger, but it does surprise me a bit that he’s an Upper Mid-Ranger… until I remembered where you are in his fuel matrix (DLS). This is what makes him especially capable of ditching/punishing/being cold/cruel to you as he did, in the end.”

    Could you please further explain why you say this makes him especially capable of ditching/punishing/being cold/cruel as he did in the end? So he only did this with ME? he won’t do it with others?

    1. No, he will do it with others. You need not be concerned with what he does towards others anyway, you need to focus on your no contact regime. Your emotional thinking is extremely high and this is causing you to focus on the wrong things. He is a narcissist – you must apply GOSO.

      1. Your statement here is quite logical HG and applies to all narcissists—not just DLS dynamics. The piece about how he will do it to others and not to concern ourselves as it’s related to ET. I have actually been frustrated by this whole, “what if he is forever good to her..” I feel like it would make me look even crazier, (as he likes to portray) and yet it is none of my business as you repeatedly communicate—he doesn’t know why he does what he does so inevitably he will screw up. I also worry that his “full effect”
        takes a lot of time and that she will be miserable in ten years. It’s nuts—to ponder that if she is forever treated well I’ll look crazy which alternates with a sadness for her because I know how bad it gets. Bottom line—none of his/her scenarios are my concern.

    2. LG,
      I see HG answered you, and I just wanted to add that with your emotional thinking, you’re probably seeing this as a competition, in terms of how important you are to the narcissist/how you can get his attention back…

      But it’s more abusive behavior (from him) you are fighting for, with this type of thinking, so you really need no contact to clear your mind… also, try to remember that no matter what the position in a fuel matrix, a narcissist has no true empathy for anyone. All will suffer, in one way or another.

      I was an IPPS…and now “my” narcissist is trying to get me back to that position again. At times, in the formal relationship I had with him & after I left him, he’s had the ability to make me so emotionally upset (not overt abusive — in insidious ways) that I’ve lose my appetite for lengthy stretches of time and/or have throw up.

      Not so wonderful, is it?

      All suffer… one way or another.

      1. Caroline – Yes, your comment made me think that because I was DLS then he could be more cruel to me. You mentioned you understood when you realised I was a DLS so clearly, I thought that if I was the primary source then he wouldn’t have been as bad.

        1. It would be bad in a different way — but narcissists are narcissists, so you just don’t want it.

  8. Caroline – you said “until I remembered where you are in his fuel matrix (DLS)”. What is that? What is DLS?

    So which this type of narcissist there is no chance of hoovering?

      1. If you’re no contact, you’ll not know if they die. But does it really matter?

        Yes, it does to me. I suppose that’s ET. Or a sign I’m not Zero Impact. Not being pessimistic, but I don’t think I’ll ever get to ZI. And not really sure I want to.

        1. Me neither, MB. “My” narcissist is significantly older than me, so more guilt for me on that one too! Like RIGHT NOW, feelin’ that concern… and he wants me to feel it, believe me — yet, there it is, I have the care…even when I know everything.

          We can’t *not* be empaths, MB. Personally, I’m glad I care. I just need to watch myself…Sometimes a lot. ;-)

          HG tells is it straight from a logic standpoint, at all times. We expect no less from him; we take that and apply it all that we can… but IMO, we can’t apply it ALL the way.

          A dog can’t be a cat, after all.

          #GoodEnoughForMeIsGoodEnough

          1. Caroline, you get me. N is 10 years older than me and far away and not in my network at all. He could easily die and I’d never know. Once he asked me if I’d come to his funeral and cry. I found that an odd question. Knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn’t be the only random woman there crying! I can’t help but care about him even though I know he’s toxic for my health. No contact does help lessen that however.

          2. Oh, gawd, MB! *I* would even come to his funeral, just with that one question for you, lol…. not totally kidding/I can’t be fixed/I am who I am. :-)

            Um, 15-year difference, for me & the G. I like older men – just do…AND I don’t have Daddy issues… go figure. I’m a mystery, sometimes even to myself.

            You keep on your NC…I know you care, as your heart is so pure with love… but you can’t let a toxic situation harm you, sister.
            #YouAreWorthEverythingAndAGardenofPinkRoses

          3. Caroline, and a bag of chips ha ha. Not sure if I have daddy issues or not. AW never would have happened if he hadn’t been a narc. Of that I am sure! #addict #innateweakness

          4. MB,
            I LOVE my Dad… wait, is that an issue?

            #IsItWrongToAdoreYourDad?

          5. Caroline, I’m not the one to ask. If your Dad is lovable, you are fortunate. I am apathetic where mine is concerned. No love or hate or anything in between. Pretty much the way I sense his feelings toward me.

            #MaybeIDoHaveDaddyIssues

          6. I’m so sorry, MB… it’s probably of little comfort, but that is about him, as I know you are aware, but it should be said repeatedly: it’s not about anything missing in you. I wish every daughter could have a loving, emotionally available Dad. I know it’s just not always the case…

            So you take a little extra care in parenting yourself in the most kind way, ok?
            XO

          7. Thank you Caroline. You don’t have to be sorry. I can’t miss what I never had. If HG had a ND questionnaire tailored toward a parental narcissist, I would def do it.

          8. Really? One that doesn’t ask sex questions and stuff of a romantic nature? I didn’t know that.

          9. Hi mb…my N is 14 years older than me. I have thought of the funeral scenerio or if he ever got sick and i think itd tear me apart emotionally. I hate thinking of it bc its a situation where id want and need to be there but not be able to.

          10. NA “DLS who is a Dirty Empath Utter filth? I think not. It’s like fusion cuisine” first off-
            Fusion cuisine made me lol
            Also- U got that right
            But further – are we referring to a DEMB that’s D bc she’s knowingly a DLS or bc she’s also married herself?
            Not that I suppose it matters lol

      2. Thanks, HG…I didn’t want to write out “Dirty Little Secret.”

        I really am an empath, lol

          1. NA,
            I like it! That is SO much better…I mean, the “dirty” label is kind of shaming for those in that dynamic, right? It’s so 2005, yes? And HG *is* all about empath empowerment, right?

            HG: What say you – name change for the tryst folks?

            “Delicious Little Sip” — a winner…no judgment, yet acknowledgement of the dynamic.

          2. No. A sip is little, therefore little is superfluous and more importantly (1) the fuel provision of the DLS is more than a sip AND (2) the DIrty Little Secret is how we see that particular appliance (unconsciously) within the Fuel Matrix.

          3. HG Tudor – So the dirty little secret is seen by your kind at a lower level than a primary source or main partner? I am just wondering why when he met the new one so recently and left his family for her and asked him if he was seeing us at the same time he told me “but at different levels”. That is because he saw me as the dirty little secret as opposed to someone more important?

          4. 1. The DLS sits beneath the IPPS in the fuel hierarchy.
            2. I don’t follow what you are saying in your second sentence – who asked him? What do you mean by ‘seeing us?’.

          5. HG Tudor – what I meant in my in my second sentence when asking about the DLS is: he met the new woman so recently and he left his family for her. I asked him also if he was seeing us both at the same time (me and the new woman) and he said “but at different levels” (clearly implying he did see us at the same time). I am wondering if the “at different levels” is because he saw me as the DLS and therefore I was at a lower level as opposed to the new woman who was serious and therefore at a higher level. All this is related to me being DLS?

            I hope I made sense now.

          6. Caroline.
            I knew it wouldn’t fly, but what I took away from HG’s response was that the DLS DOES have more importance than the name infers and that it’s their secret that’s dirty and not us, so I’m taking that as a win.

            #Iamdeliciousnomatterwhattheycallme

          7. Ha ha, but then think on the DLS who is also a Dirty Empath? Utter filth!

          8. DLS who is a Dirty Empath Utter filth? I think not. It’s like fusion cuisine. Your kind SAYS ewww to the combo but can’t get their jaws around it fast enough.

            #fingerlickingood

          9. Nobody says EWWWW to it because:-

            1. We are not Britney Spears; and
            2. It’s filthy, but we like it.