Mother Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
64 thoughts on “Mother Knows Best”
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I have a question regarding this one.
If a child is conditioned to this sort of abuse, is it possible they could turn inward, never expressing emotion or talking about feelings as a defense mechanism… therefore not making them desirable candidates to become someones IPPS later in life. As they are permanently “grey rock” ?
That is potentially possible.
I think I know someone who is like this. Explains a lot. Thank you.
Claps
Dear Presque Vu,
I’m very much looking forward to season 2 of “What If” … I would luv Mr Tudor to critique these series and perhaps have an open discussion … food for future thought Mr Tudor
If you’re looking for another eye opener, check out
“When they see us” …true story
Words literally fail me
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I started watching ‘What If’. It is an appalling piece of television. Renee Zellweger has one expression throughout (and is far too thin). The actress playing Lisa is terrible. The dialogue is cliché-ridde, ham-fisted and unnatural. The pacing is all over the place. The subplots seem to have no real bearing on the main ‘plot’ and it is painfully inclusive. It is not a recommend from HG.
I agree. It is truly dreadful. Welcome back x
Thank you.
Tells us how you really feel HG! 🤣🙃
Speaking of film, I recently watched RocketMan, what a stunning movie. I find I watch characters through different eyes after being through a relationship with a narc. And gaining insight as to how they think.
Elton John got mixed up with a narcissist manager/boyfriend… this relationship was a key driver into his heavy addictions with drugs and alcohol.
The way the movie portrayed it (and I’m not one to naturally beleive Hollywood “true stories”… as they obviously will protect celebrities reputations etc) but the way the movie portrayed it… Elton was an empath. I felt connected to his character and how emotional thinking led to key decisions in his life (both his demise and recovery) Obviously he portrayed a lot of narc traits as well. Being a powerful celebrity I would imagine it would be hard not too… and also being an Addict.
Just curious if you have an opinion on Elton John and whether he is an empath or not?
Either way, the film was great, worth a viewing.
Elton is not an empath.
He’s like the King (or Queen) of all narcs!
It’s so funny how Hollywood always has to portray them as “the good guy” on screen… sigh. Oh poor Elton was taken advantage of. Lol. He did raise a lot of money for hiv/aids foundations though. So at least he did some good things.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Haha …. I totally 100 % agree with you
However, we are empaths, we are female and we luv that kinda stuff (I was actually more interested in her outfits)
Would you care to recommend something worth viewing perhaps ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
The Planets on the BBC.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thank you kindly, Mr Bubbles n I will definitely check it out
It will be a nice alternative to Sir David Attenborough
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thanks Bubbles, my sister told me about ‘when they see us’ she said what happened to them was truly dreadful! It’s on my list.
I’m at the part in ‘What If’ of finding out who she really is – I was shocked and never expected that! But since Tude has offered his critique (damn you) I cannot help but notice his points now *sigh*
But yes I recommend Planets on the BBC too, ‘Into the darkness: Ice worlds’ is coming up soon – I wonder if HG resides there lol.
Professor Brian Cox is so interesting, intelligent and charismatic, love him.
No, I am on all worlds and I am all worlds.
Dear Presquer Vu,
Mr Bubbles couldn’t sleep well, right after finishing watching “When they see us ”
I won’t spoil it for you …. but, boy oh boy !!
We will check out the Planets for sure, I know we will luv it, we hate watching commercial TV
Thank you Presquer Vu and enjoy your viewing
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
HG, Did you watch The Virtues? Astonishing acting. This reminds me of one of the final scenes.
No, I do not know of that.
Loved this too SMH! I love all Shane Meadows work
Alexissmith2016, I’ve only otherwise seen This is England (brilliant). Stephen Graham blew me away in The Virtues.
He is a very good actor.
You should watch The Virtues then, HG. It’s only four episodes but what episodes they are.
Thank you SMH, I shall look into it.
Do me know what you think if you watch it. It should still be streaming on 4.
I’ll probably watch it but never tell you as I’ll just disappear.
Hahaha. And I’ll forget I ever asked you to tell me.
I mean it was 15 hours ago already!!
Love Stephen Graham too, he is an incredibly versatile actor! Just brilliant!
I do wonder whether he is an N? I don’t know. I hope not.
Shane Meadows – possibly?
Thinking of celebrities, it’s pretty hard to have a crush on a celebrity post HG. Because you realise many are Ns and if they’re not, well they’re not so attractive either lol.
Maybe HG has another hidden agenda Hahahha
Although like every other woman in the UK, I would still have sex with Andrew Scott? Especially if he was wearing his vicar outfit hahah
Oh Andrew Scott in his vicar outfit yes!
One of my very first crushes was our catholic priest during confession…. yes indeed I do see the appeal!!
Stephen Graham was great in line of duty which I love!
Shane Meadows went through a troubled childhood through bullying.. something to do with his dad finding someone dead and was suspected of murder for a while. He was badly bullied at school as a result. I don’t think he is a narc though.
Hahahha vicars all over the country are having it large now!
As for Shane, I’m not terribly good with celebs, I need the interaction to be certain whether someone is an N or not. Most of the time I can pick this up quite quickly, sometimes I need to wait for that first silent treatment, whether that’s a new friend, colleague or whatever. I need not be a long one, but you can feel the coldness in what they’re doing somehow. It feels very different to someone who simply does not reply within a given period of time. Very different.
Back to Shane, it’s the eyes for me. I hope I’m not being harsh and I very much hope I’m wrong.
Does HG have a view? I feel an ST on its way…hahha
Alexissmith2016, The one I never got was Benjamin Cumberbatch. In any case, I am a sapiosexual and more attracted to intelligence than looks, though looks don’t hurt by any means.
The one you never got was BC? What do you mean SMH?
sapiosexual hmmm I don’t think I am although I do find intelligence coupled with confidence incredibly attractive.
I’m not big on physical appearance it’s all about the vibe and connection for me which I now realise is just being attracted to Ns (not victim ones though – this scene from human traffic reminds me of a victim N attempt at seduction hahaha https://youtu.be/O35uSaQRZk0 )
HG, if a sapiosexual is someone who is attracted to intelligence, what do we call someone who is attracted to Ns? An addict? Idiot? Total muppet? Lol
An empath.
hahahah yes of course!
Alexissmith, Ewww that clip. BC meaning women swoon over him. I hear you about confidence, which I liked about Excel, though of course it was all an act. He was more cocky than confident. HG, is it possible to be an empathic sapiosexual?
It is.
Thank you!
SMH, intelligence is always attractive. Any woman would prefer (or be turned on by) an intelligent man over a less intelligent one (all other traits equal of course). It warrantees a better “product”, if I can put it like that. A more intelligent and therefore more apt to survive human being.
Lou, I’ve been with some dumb guys! Ha. Just kidding. But I have to say that MRN was so smart that I was in awe of him. Of course I was only seeing what he wanted me to see.
Hahahaha I know it’s so gross! Yes cocky can easily be mistaken for confidence at first sight.
Cool, calm, collected and … cocky! That was MRN.
Lou, I’m not sure that’s always the case many women prefer looks over intelligence.
I did date someone on and off (which suited me at the time) who was what I now know to be somatic but he was also fully deserving of the title / grade A! He was of average intelligence. Not someone I would ordinarily engage with but Jees id go there again!
True, many women give more importance to looks than intelligence. Good looks are related with health, strength and better chances of survival too. I personally have a problem with the term sapiosexual because I have the impression it pretends to be a label for something supposedly special when it is not. Intelligence has always been a major trait women find attractive, specially nowadays when “survival” depends more on mental capacity than physical strength. It is also a matter of ego, status and emotional connection.
I don’t know. Maybe I have always been a sapiosexual and have always assumed all women are (Yes, I did find many of my teachers in college very sexy).
But I will give it more thought. 🙂
Lou
It sounds like a term used as an excuse to fuck ugly dudes.
That gave me a good laugh, NA.
Hey, I like ugly dudes!! And I know lots of beautiful women who are with ugly dudes. MRN is conventionally handsome but to be honest he was not my physical type. Not because he wasn’t ugly but because he was really white and preppy. It was his brain that was incredibly sexy to me.
Lou, I know it is a pretentious term but for me attraction is rooted in the mind, not in the body. That is all I am saying. It might not be intelligence per se because how is that measured? And of course I have my ‘ugly’ or ‘yuk’ boundaries. But it has to be someone with whom I can play mental tennis.
SMH, yes it is a pretentious term, IMO too. And yes, intelligence cis vast, can take different forms and is difficult to measure.
However, I do understand the idea of some women placing priority or being sexually attracted to men with a well-developed intellect. But there are so many other elements that come into play in sexuality and attraction that I find the term shallow and, again, kind of snob. A trend maybe.
But I understand that to have sexual intercourse, some women need to have intellectual intercourse too. I get it.
Lou, I wish there were a better term but our language and culture locate sexual attraction in the physical and we put a huge amount of emphasis on looks. Yet we know that there is something to chemistry that cannot be seen or measured. At least that is my experience, including with MRN. You could take two great looking people and put them together and they might not be attracted to each other at all. One sees it in films, for instance, when there is no ‘chemistry’ between two movie stars. What makes two people have chemistry? I know that dullness is a turn off for me. There are certain physical characteristics that turn me off too. But then there is that mysterious thing called chemistry that can’t be predicted. One of the reasons I stayed with MRN was because his brain fascinated me. Had he been ugly but had that brain I might have stayed too. But had he been dull, I would have left or never been attracted in the first place, even though he is a good looking guy.
SMH, it seems that a big part of (sexual) chemistry between two people is a matter of two different immune systems that complement each other and could therefore produce a fitter human being. But I know there are many other aspects that play a role in chemistry (social ones). Human beings are complex.
The perception of beauty is also very subjective. I, for instance, don’t understand why women find Brat Pitt so attractive. I can see he has regular facial features, but his beauty is not attractive to me. So I understand that Excel’s good looks was not what attracted you mainly, although I am sure they did not hurt at all. It all adds up.
Lou, interesting idea about the immune systems. However, I wonder how that squares with the narc’s seduction abilities and intensity of focus. I mean partly it’s what they do and partly who they are. Hmmm. And I know MRN could turn it on or off because the two times we mutually decided to end it, we both turned it off – sat next to each other on the sofa with no desire to touch. But he was relentless whenever I decided to end it and I couldn’t resist him until the final go round, when I escaped. So partly it was about his maintaining power over me. I read somewhere that narcissists keep you in such a state of high anxiety that it’s as if all of your nerve endings are alive all the time, which is why the attraction is so intense. If you lower your anxiety, as I did with six months NC, the narc loses his power over you.
SMH, you are right, part of the narcissist’s seduction is what they are and part what they do. As I said, there are many factors that come into play in the seduction game. I was just speaking of sexual attraction in a more general way.
The thing you read about narcissists keeping you in a heightened state is totally correct in my opinion, it makes you feel alive and therefore addicted to them. Also the ego boost they give you and the promise to cater for your needs. All that makes them very attractive.
Lou, Yeah, but the weird thing to me about my attachment was that it was visceral – very physical (or maybe chemical). It’s like a form of somatization – with the impact of the psychological games manifesting bodily.
SMH, I don’t know the details of your relationship with Excel, but I do know you were IPSS and I have the impression that it was kind of a long distance relationship. If that is correct, I was wondering if what you describe above was the product of he keeping you addicted to him through his mind games from a distance and you experiencing the frustration/ craving of having him physically close to you.
Lou, Warning – long! The story is convoluted.
What you wrote is partially correct but he had it too, though the meaning might have been different. In the end, I told him that if the rest of the relationship was so messed up, the sex was just a sideshow. I broke from him, not the other way around.
In any case, it wasn’t really long distance though I did once say to him ‘you might as well be in X country now!’ when he was sitting right next to me. Haha.
We both travelled a lot and lived in two different countries, me for long stints and him for shorter ones. But our base and our jobs were in the same city. We met there, our kids went to the same school there (as did I eons ago) and we lived a few miles from each other. He once came over to meet my son so we were pretty close in some ways.
Backstory – I did not know I was IPSS until 8 months in. I suspected but because I was away for part of that time, I couldn’t investigate. I had no expectations at that point except to be treated properly. He kept popping up to keep me in his fuel matrix.
Later I told him I was happy as IPSS. I thought he would be relieved but his tone changed and things took a turn for the worse. I think to his mind I should have been causing drama and fighting for him, though I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. Of course had I fought for him he would have rejected me and/or ping ponged even more. He only wanted drama (fuel) and I think I had this really romantic (idealized) view of what could be.
Anyway, it took HG to make sense of it for me, and I did not find HG until after my final escape a year later. Before that escape, I was in our homebase for two months before I let MRN know where I was. I could hide too when I wanted to.
He moved over a year ago and I am about to move too. Different country, but close. Conceivably we could carry on much as we always did!! In fact, I long ago joked to him that since he was moving, I guessed I would be moving with him, since he owned me! But my move has nothing to do with him – we have been NC for over a year. It is about family stuff and really isn’t much different from how I lived when I was with him anyway. I don’t have to give up my job, though I am looking for another one.
What a triggering too-close-to-home post.
And there is the:
“You used to look great when you were little, you know”
“You used to be so smart before you went to uni”
“You were such a clever child!”
as well. All said in an angry tone.
Sometimes it was the other way around: “i’m so glad you finally gained a few kilos. You used to look horrible”
cb,
I’m very sorry your mother said things like that to you. That is just sheer cruelty. No child should hear things like that from anyone, let alone their own mother.
It sounds to me like your mother was transferring all her own (self-viewed) ‘faults’ onto you. In other words, she was projecting. She probably saw all your good qualities, (i.e. you are probably good-looking, intelligent and well-educated), and your good qualities made your mother (consciously or unconsciously) jealous and they triggered her own insecurities. So, not being able to tolerate feeling ‘less than’, she needed to off-load those negative emotions and dump them onto the external ‘source’ of whatever threatened her own grandiose ‘self-view’. That source happened to be you. In order to reinstate her own positive (but unstable) self-view, she needed to devalue you. Her narcissism made her do that even to her own child.
On the negative side, it’s very sad and difficult for you that she did this and made you feel unworthy. You didn’t have the honest and nurturing love that every child should have from their mother.
On the positive side, flip it around and just keep reminding yourself that every time she ‘devalued’ you, it was because in reality, you had a very positive attribute that made her insecure. So, she was actually letting you know that you were very worthy, but in a convoluted, roundabout ‘unobvious’ kind of way.
If something triggers you, it may help to change the perspective in your own mind and to see it in this way instead.
I’m in the middle of watching ‘What If’ on Netflix (Renee Zellweger’s character is the female version of an upper elite I feel)
She suffered a childhood of horrific abuse from her mother (there are flashbacks throughout) which has resulted in how she reads people.
There was a part in it where one of the characters said she can read and analyse science the same way Renee’s character analyses human behaviour and manipulates them in incredible fashion! She said some people are born to please, she identifies this, uses it for her own agenda but also insists it makes them feel good doing what they do best – pleasing so it’s a win win situation.
I felt incredibly sad when she said she has only felt love once – when she was 7 or 8 and the handy man showed her kindness – the rest of the time she was on edge and would watch, listen and be invisible to avoid abuse from her mother. Fast forward to now, and she gave an ex-addict needles and drugs and left her to kill herself despite being clean for months (she used her – got her clean – to lure in someone and then had no further need for her so got her to commit suicide).
*If your mother said all of these things to you and made you feel like the boy in this picture she deserves all she has coming to her.
My boys are precious! You are precious and she never deserved you.
My feeling was that „I am proud of you“ was supposed to be a substitute for „I love you“.
She never told me she loved me but would proclaim her pride when I had achieved something remarkable or been especially compliant.
This also implied that her „love“ was dependent upon me being an excellent student and statisfying her every whim.
I was pushed to meet impossible demands and made to feel horribly guilty when I failed.
She would win either way.
Your mother was a cruel woman you should really Have been shown love was or is But she was wrong not right none of that cruelty is right
Dearest HG: Unbelievable. Hahaha. Of course I do not know, but I personally can just imagine you quietly translating these particular quotes below, quite easily, while you were growing up: ~“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
~“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
~“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
~“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
~“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
~“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.” ~“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.” HG, I hope you did not here the last quote, of not being loved. If you did, I do not want to know. Seriously.